Mick sighed, softening because neither of them wanted to see her hurting. “Angel, I made half-assed choices for years. All the while trying to find some middle ground. Long enough to know it’s not possible. So, I made my choice and I haven’t regretted it. Have you?”
Jessi got to her knees to kiss Mick and then Adam before sitting once more. “My family loves you both. They already assumed that since we were all together again as friends it was something more. I don’t have to give them up. They’d never expect me to, maybe. Hopefully. No one has uninvited me from anything. Family is important.”
Adam agreed. “Family is incredibly important. And you come from one that’s fantastic. Close. Loving. Your family greets you every time you walk in. They’re genuinely pleased to see you and spend time with you. The loss of that would be a terrible thing indeed. You must know as you’ve been out in the world that your family isn’t what a lot of people have. It’s not what I have with my father and most of my sisters. So what am I missing out on? Huh? You said you stole something? You can’t steal what’s freely given. Moreover, far from theft, you’ve brought me everything, even Mick.” He smiled Mick’s way and closed their circle once more. “You are my family. Mick is my family. Losing you two would fell me. Not going to a party I never wanted to attend to start with? With people who don’t know me and have no desire to? Fuck that. Sometimes you have to make hard choices in life. But this one wasn’t even mildly difficult.”
Part of him was relieved that he had a reason to just let all that go and sever ties totally.
Mick broke in. “As for my family.” He was silent awhile. “Your mom and dad have been there for me a million times more than mine ever have been. I don’t have to give anything up. Being with you is a plus, not a minus. I put a lot out of my head, things my father did and said to me over the years. To survive.”
Adam cupped the back of Mick’s neck. Steadying.
“But since you and I had that talk at your studio week before last, I’ve been letting the memories free.”
Jessi scooted closer to Mick, taking his hand. “And how are you dealing with it all?”
Given what Adam knew and what he’d suspected given the things Mick had said and done over the years, the memories of something like that coming back in a short time could cause havoc.
Mick sighed, letting the tension go. “I’m working on it.”
“Which is why you’ve been at Twisted Steel twelve hours a day and when you’re not there you’re working out or punching something?” Adam had been watching Mick’s energy amp up over the weeks since Jessi had confessed to them about what his father had done.
“What did I tell you about that?” Adam tightened his grip at the back of Mick’s neck. And as he’d expected, Mick’s gaze went glossy. “You come to me when you need this burned from you.”
Mick turned his heat to look at Jessi. “You want to know why I was back for a year without contact?”
“Only if you want to tell me right now.”
“Oh, sweet, sweet Jessi.” Mick smiled. “You were so ferocious about knowing when you first asked. But now you’d let it go?”
“To save you heartache? Yes. Of course. But eventually, if you don’t give it words and release it, it’s going to eat you alive.”
Mick sucked in a deep breath. “Right before I came home the first time I had some trouble with pills. Okay, a lot of trouble.” Mick ran a palm over his head, the scratch of the close-cropped hair at the back sent a shiver through Adam.
“I ended up in the hospital. Then I had to accept what had happened and why and get my shit together.”
Adam noted Jessi’s shock. So Mick hadn’t told either one of them.
“I came back and we all got together and then my dad came in and I ran. I ran because I was afraid to fall again. I was afraid I couldn’t keep it together. I wasn’t strong enough. And I know you, Jessi. I can tell you’re thinking right now that you were right not to have told me about my dad.”
She sighed. “I contend that if I had, given that you’d run back into a war zone and Adam was back to living on his own, it would have felt manipulative. And once we started the contact we did have, I loved it so much, wanted more of it, missed you so much I wasn’t going to ruin it. I’m not sorry I didn’t tell you while you were in the army, and knowing all this stuff about the pills only underlines that.”
“All those glimpses, the cards, and letters you sent, they kept me going.”
“Which is why I never put anything negative in them. I worried nonstop about your safety. I said a lot of prayers for you. I sure as hell wasn’t going to load you down with anything else when you needed all your wits to survive.” She had that defiant set to her mouth that Adam knew well enough to understand she’d have done the same thing over again.
“That last tour wasn’t so dangerous. Not as bad as it’d been before. Most of it I wasn’t even in Iraq. After about a month or so I knew I’d have fucked up seriously if I’d stayed in Seattle. I also knew I’d left wrong and that I had to fix it. But I needed to fix myself first.
“I had to know I could do it on my own. Be healthy. I had to find a strong enough sense of who I was. I’m not saying this right. I’m not eloquent. But I didn’t feel strong enough to be anything other than a soldier. I knew I could do that and not fuck it up. I knew the routine. I knew how to get along. So I did. I built myself back up. Each time I’d stumble a little, I’d get a card from you, Jessi. I learned about myself. That I was good at running projects and with supervising others. I’m excellent with my hands.”
Jessi hummed her agreement and Adam smiled her way.
“When I came back I was steadier. But I had a stumble at first with PJ and Asa. It fucked me up, made me seriously question my judgment. In the end it was what was supposed to happen because I realized I was only partially okay when I got back here. I couldn’t come back to you or ask you to come back to me until I got my shit straight.”
“Pain,” Adam said.
Mick nodded. “I tried with fucking. I wasn’t an angel when I was away from you both. But I’d given my heart away to Jessi, and it wasn’t ever more than fucking. Pain, though? I need it to hurt. When it hurts, when it’s fast and hard and dangerous, I’m alive. They’re things I can feel that are okay to feel. I’m not harming anyone. I’m not victimizing anyone, least of all myself.”
“But it’s not enough,” Adam said.
“Sometimes it feels desperate. I don’t want it to be desperate. I wanted us to be back together without that. It’s why I stayed away.”
“You make bad choices when you’re desperate,” Adam agreed. “So, from now on you get what you need here. From me. You can keep on punching people and racing. That’s part of you. But the kind of pain you need, I can deliver. I like delivering it. It doesn’t always have to be sexual. But it’s always what you need.”
Mick stared at him for long moments, as if afraid to believe.
“So we get what we need here, right? Jessilyn? You too. People like Mick’s dad and my sister, they want you to feel bad. They want you to be unhappy. Are you going to let them decide when I’m telling you otherwise?”
“You think you can handle us both, mister?” Jessi’s mouth quirked up at one corner.
“I think it’s exactly what I’m meant to do. So the choices have been made. Not because you insisted, but because other people put that choice out there. We’re all here. Like we’re supposed to be.”
CHAPTER
Eighteen
I’m really glad you came out with us this weekend,” PJ said to Jessi. Asa and Adam were building a fire with Mick and Duke looking on.
Carmella handed Jessi a soda and joined them in the ring of seating clustered around the fire pit.
Duane’s vacation cabin—ha, if cabins had six bedrooms—was only ninety minutes outside Seattle but it felt a million miles away. It was surrounded by forest on all sides but the rear of the house, which faced the lake about three miles down the hill
.
It was cold up in the mountains in late October, so they’d put on some layers and headed out to enjoy some time by the fire.
“How are things?” Carmella asked.
“We just hit our one month back together. So much has happened. It’s very fraught. I’m not a fraught person. But I love them. Both of them. I’ll deal with fraught if it means I come home to them every day.”
“That’s hella romantic. Also, exhausting. Adam and Asa are starting a friendship. At least I think it is, since neither of them says much other than to give imperious looks and gestures to order everyone else around. I don’t know how you deal with Adam and Mick both. Don’t get me wrong, I bet it’s pretty awesome when it comes time to be naked.”
They all three laughed at that, and the men turned their way to see what was going on.
“Damn,” PJ whispered. “Look at all that. So much fine-ass man over there it’s sort of stupefying.”
“God, I hope they aren’t comparing tips.”
PJ waggled her brows at Jessi. “I bet Adam’s got some tricks up his sleeve Asa hasn’t tried yet. I’m all for Asa trying new things on me. Unless of course Adam likes something like being puked on.”
“What? You don’t think that’s hot? You never know until you try it,” Jessi said, managing to sound totally serious.
PJ appeared caught between wanting to apologize and wanting to be horrified. “Nuh-uh. He’s kinky, that much is written all over him. But not that kinky. He smells too good and has great teeth.”
“So do you look for a puke smell and bad teeth in a potential guy?” Carmella asked.
They all laughed again. Jessi missed girlfriends. She had several in Portland, but it had been hard coming back to Seattle because it was Mick and Adam who’d been her best friends there. They were who she’d turned to for so long.
But Carmella and PJ were fun. Open. Friendly. Being around them reminded Jessi she had a life to build too. With Mick and Adam, but also friends for her own emotional health.
God knew that two men kept her busy enough. Being able to talk about men with friends was a good thing.
“So you don’t think it’s weird that I’m in a threesome? I mean, that’s not normal.”
Carmella snorted. “Normal isn’t the aim, is it? And I’d say normal is a relative term anyway. I can tell you in the last month Mick has been happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen him. I obviously know him better than I know you, so maybe you’re always like this. But you seem pretty happy every time I see you. Are you?”
Was she?
Jessi nodded as she looked over the scene. Men and fire. Good lord.
“I am. I love them both—have loved them both—a long time. I feel like I’m meant to be where I am right now.”
The sky above was dark and they were far enough away from the city to see the stars in their glory.
A sign.
“If you don’t mind my asking—and please tell me to butt out if I overreach—how does your family feel about all this?” PJ asked.
Carmella nearly choked. “She will totally back off if you tell her to. Then again, she’s super nosy so she’ll be back to it in a while once she thinks you’ve forgotten.”
“I’m an enthusiastic friend.” PJ gave a bright smile. “It’s just that Mick mentioned they were religious. When I met them at the grand opening they seemed lovely, and clearly they had deep affection for Mick. But I didn’t know if they were…”
“They’re good-hearted people whose faith is central to pretty much everything they do and who they are. They met in the Peace Corps. My mom and her friends spend a few hours every week knitting and sewing things to give out to shelters and homeless along with food and hygiene kits. So, they love me and my boys, and they want me to be happy.” She shrugged.
“Your parents sound amazing,” PJ said.
“It didn’t occur to me how amazing until I was living a few hours away. I realized how much time I spent with them on a regular basis until I couldn’t.” She’d learned a lot about herself in those years in Portland. “I do a lot less taking them for granted these days.”
“Sometimes you have to be without something before you understand its importance,” Carmella said. “I’m envious. My parental situation is… not like yours, so it makes me happy to see what I always thought was the ideal.”
Jessi laughed. “I don’t know if I’d say ideal, but it’s pretty close. I just wish their families were more open.”
“Asa gets so tense any time he mentions Mick’s family his jaw actually clicks,” PJ said.
It was hard not to gossip or reveal too much about Mick’s and Adam’s families, but she was relieved that Asa had the same opinion of the Robertses as she did.
“The nice thing about being in love and building a relationship is that you can do things better when it’s your turn, you know?” PJ said as she never took her gaze from Asa. “You can make your own family and hopefully screw up less. I know Asa makes me feel a million things at once, and not one of them is unsafe or unloved.”
Jessi reached over to hug PJ quickly. “Thank you.” She hugged Carmella next. “You both made me feel better.”
Mick called her name and held up a bag of marshmallows.
“S’mores!” Jessi hopped up. “Let’s get some.”
“Duane has official marshmallow roasting forks.” Duke handed them out and Mick impaled Jessi’s for her while Adam got her chair and moved it closer.
“No offense, but we’re stealing Jessi back,” Mick told PJ and Carmella as he sat on one side of Jessi, while Adam took the other side.
“Did you just lure me with chocolate?”
“Dash it all. Jessi’s figured out our ruse.” Adam’s voice was dry but he winked, making her snort-laugh.
“I haven’t had s’mores over a fire in two years. I went camping with my oldest sister, Charlie. Our last trip before she started popping out kids.”
Carmella leaned into Duke for a moment, clinking her beer to his. “If this is what camping was like, I’d find myself available the next time Duke asked me to go. But he likes tents and cooking over a campfire. It’s fucking cold out here. Camping means my only solution to cold is a tent. Ugh. Here? I can go inside and be warm in three minutes. Indoor plumbing too. No peeing in the woods.”
“There are four bathrooms. All have heated floors,” Duane called out.
“See? Duane knows how to do things. Am I right?” Carmella looked to them both.
“I prefer campers or cabins. But I like being out in the woods like this. It’s so peaceful and it smells good.” PJ took a deep breath.
“I like to camp. Like in tents and cooking over a camp stove. Campfires are nice, but a camp stove is easier. I also like air mattresses.” Jessi was glad it was dark so her blush wouldn’t be that evident.
“Here’s a fun fact about Jessilyn. She’s a camping freak. I’ve never had more fun camping than when it’s with her.” Mick smushed the marshmallow and chocolate together into a melty, gooey sandwich with graham crackers and handed it her way.
“Dude. You just made her a sandwich.” PJ tipped her head back and laughed. “I love that.”
Jessi grinned over at Mick. “Once, when I was nine, my sister’s freshly toasted marshmallow dripped onto the back of my hand. I still have a scar from where I tried to brush it off because it was so hot, but it got several layers of my skin too. So Mick always does my s’moring for me.”
Mick kissed the top of her head. “Her designated smusher.”
“I should get a plaque for your door at work. Jessilyn Franklin’s designated smusher, so back off.” Jessi nodded. “Yeah, I like that.”
“It’s no secret I’m your designated everything, angel.”
“Good. I’d hate to have to embarrass someone by wiping the floor up with them after getting grabby with you.”
“Maybe so. But I’d pay to see it.” Duane laughed. “Mainly because you’re a tiny badass. It’s always the nice ones or the quiet ones.
Also, because I think people need to see that not only is Mick taken, but by someone worthy. And you are.”
Jessi stepped over to hug Duane. “You have an awesome heart.”
Adam and Asa shared a look, and Jessi groaned internally, wondering if they’d be sharing alpha male tips and if she should be excited or scared by that.
PJ always looked happy, so Jessi supposed it was fear but in a good way.
“This place is fantastic, Duane. How long have you had it?” Jessi asked.
“I bought the land ten years ago. It was a gift for my girlfriend. A wedding present.”
Since there was no wife or girlfriend in his life now—she’d asked early on, and Mick had told her not to be a matchmaker—Jessi braced herself for the rest of whatever he was going to say.
“Took another few years to get the structure up as we built on weekends and during the warmer months. The house has been mine longer than she ever was by this point.”
“And it’s here for you when you come by, which is also more than she ever did,” Duke said. He was so rarely negative or even mean-spirited. Even when he fought he did it with humor. But he clearly didn’t much care for Duane’s ex.
Duane guffawed. “Yes, well. The sex was fucking magnificent.”
“Which is always why relationships with women like her last way longer than they should.” Duke raised his beer.
Carmella gave him side-eye, but he kissed her quickly, hugging her to his side. “Not that I know anything about that because my lady is wonderful in every way.”
“PJ, I had a dream with you in it,” Jessi said.
Mick slid an arm around her shoulders.
“Was it a sex dream?” Asa asked, and Adam raised a brow her way.
“It wasn’t a sex dream! Jeez. One-track minds. In the dream you had purple gloves on. After I woke up I’ve been thinking about those gloves a lot.”
“Were they awesome? Purple is my favorite color. Now I think I need purple leather gloves for winter.” PJ held her hands out like she was already seeing it.