I vowed in front of my mirror that I would change my appearance. I would replace this sickly, weak and pitiful look with a vibrant, hopeful one. I could be pretty again. Austin wasn't just saying nice things to make me feel better. I saw it in his eyes, in the way he looked at me when he thought I wasn't watching him. He did treasure me. I'd lost my ability to walk, but not to be attractive.
I couldn't deny that I wasn't somewhat afraid of being in charge of my own bathing. I had done most everything else for myself at one time or another. but Mrs. Bogart had always been around when I bathed. I ran the water for my bath and I set out my clothes and then I got undressed and manipulated myself out of the chair and into the tub, but once I was in. I suddenly had this terrible fear I wouldn't be able to get myself out. It made enjoying the bath impossible. In minutes I needed to get out, just to be sure I could. What if I was still here when Austin arrived? How embarrassing.
In my panic and haste to get out, I slipped and banged my arm so hard against the ceramic tile it took my breath away. I started to cry, but then I got myself under control and went about getting out of the tub with more purpose. Moments later. I was sitting on the side, drying myself. I got back into the chair and wheeled myself to the bedroom. With the pain in my arm, it took at least three times as long to put on my clothes, but at least I could do it. However. when I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw how twisted and creased my dress was. I did what I could to straighten it, and then I worked on putting on my shoes. By the time I started on my hair. I was exhausted.
A noise in the bathroom startled me. In shock. I saw I had left the water trickling in the tub and it had finally begun to run over.
"Oh no!" I screamed and wheeled myself back as quickly as I could. I struggled to turn the chair in the small puddle that had already formed. When I reached over to shut off the faucet completely, in my haste. I slipped. Before I could prevent it, I fell into the puddle, soaking one side of my dress.
I screamed and pounded the side of the tub until my right hand ached. Then I caught my breath and pulled myself back into the wheelchair. The wheels tracked water into the bedroom. For a long moment I just sat before the mirror gazing at my rumpled dress and tousled hair. Exhausted, aching and disgusted with myself. I dropped my arms down the side of my wheelchair and lay my head back, feeling a wave of defeat and nausea wash over me. It didn't bring tears: it brought an ugly fury. I lunged at my cosmetics and flung lipsticks and eye shadow tubes in every direction. I swept the vanity table clean and then, in an even wilder rush of madness and frenzy, I hurled my hair brush at the mirror and the blow cracked the glass from top to bottom. Then I let my head fall forward and sat there like a twisted sack of potatoes.
I never heard the doorbell, Finally. Austin who had been ringing and ringing came around the house, looked in the window, saw me and tapped. When I didn't wake up immediately, he opened the window and climbed in.
"Rain, Rain," he cried, shaking my shoulder. "What happened here? What's wrong?" he said gazing around the bedroom in disbelief. Even I was a little shocked, forgetting for a moment all I had done. A cake of perfumed body talcum was spread over some of the therapy machinery and the floor. A bottle of cologne was shattered, its contents spilled near the wall. Everything that had been on the vanity table was scattered and, of course, the mirror was cracked.
"I was doing so well," I began, my lips trembling. "I got myself in and out of the tub and I got dressed and I worked on my hair and... I left the water running."
"What?" He looked back and saw the puddle. "Oh." He went to the bathroom and looked in. "The faucet's off."
"I know. I did that. but I fell out of the chair and I ruined my dress and everything! "
I couldn't stop the tears, my body shaking with their flow. Austin tried to comfort me, laughing and pretending it was all nothing.
"Boy, now I know I better not get you angry,'" he said. "If you did this over a wet dress, who knows what you would do to me?"
I smiled through my shower of tears and he kissed some of them off my cheeks..
"We'll clean this up in a few minutes," he said starting to gather up the things I had flung every which way. "You'll change your dress, brush your hair, and we'll go," he added calmly.
"Oh. I can't go out in public. Austin. I'll look terrible and embarrass you."
"I doubt it," he said. "Go on. Choose something else while I do this. I'll mop up the water in the bathroom."
He left to fetch a mop and pail. I sighed and looked at myself in the cracked mirror. That's really me now, I thought. This image in the glass is really me. I've got a crack running through me just as deeply and as long. I can try to ignore it all I want, but that's the truth. That's what I am.
More out of a desire not to disappoint Austin, who worked so hard and quickly to repair my room, I found something else to wear. I brushed out my hair. but I was not satisfied with my looks. Nevertheless, I let him smother me with compliments.
"You don't need any makeup, nothing on those eyelids could make those eyes any prettier than they naturally are," he insisted. "You're fine. You look terrific. C'mon. I'm starving," he said and after I put on a light jacket, he wheeled me out of the house and into the van as quickly as he could, probably out of fear I'd change my mind. Moments later we were on our way to the restaurant. Austin acting and talking as if nothing unusual had occurred. He was so exuberant and happy, he almost had me believing it.
The restaurant he'd chosen was truly a beautiful place with thick dark wooden beams in the ceiling, eighteenth-century colonial art and furnishings, thick cranberry-red tables and chairs and brass candelabra on every table. He had reserved a table by the window that looked out over a lake. The lights of homes around the lake were reflected in the water, making it dazzle and glitter in the darkness. We had candlelight and wine and a delicious lobster dinner followed with a dessert of orange creme brillee that was so good, it was sinful. Before long, my mood had indeed changed, and we were laughing, holding hands, occasionally exchanging kisses and just simply enjoying each other's company.
When a musical trio began to play in the lounge, however. I grew silent and moody thinking how wonderful it would be if I could get up and dance with Austin. He saw the sadness in my eyes and quickly decided it was time to pay the bill and get me home.
"You've had an exhausting day," he insisted.
I put up no resistence. He tried to keep my spirits up by talking continuously during our ride back, drawing up scenarios for fun days to come, places we would visit.
"We should consider taking a real vacation," he said, have two weeks off in a month. We could take the van and go someplace. What do you think?"
"Sure," I said. I would have agreed to anything, even a trip to the moon. He looked at me and saw that, too, but it didn't stop him from going on and on about it in a desperate attempt to restore my confidence and hope.
Back at the house, he helped me prepare for bed. "Get a good night's rest tonight. Rain," he said.
"Are you going to leave?"
"I'll stay, if you want,"
"Of course. I want you to stay. I'll never be the one to tell you to leave. Austin," I promised. He smiled, brushed back some strands of hair from my forehead and kissed me.
"Close your eyes. I'll be back," he promised and left.
I was so tired I didn't hear him return and get into the bed beside me. The phone woke us in the morning. For a moment I regretted forcing Aunt Victoria to have it installed.
"Hello," I said, clearing my throat. "Is Austin there?" a man asked,
"What? Oh. Yes," I said.
There was a moment of silence and then he said in a very stern voice. "Please put him on."
I turned in the bed. Austin wiped his eyes and sat up. "What?"
"It's for you." I said.
"Me?" He grimaced, then he got out of bed and came around to take the phone. 'Hello?"
Watching him listen I saw his face turn crimson. His eyes flitted from my face to the fl
oor. He turned his body so that I couldn't look directly at him.
"Okay. I understand,'" he said. "I'll be right there."
He hung up and for a moment just stood there in silence, "What?"
"That was my uncle," he said. 'I've got to go."
He hurriedly began to dress.
"What is it? Austin?"
"I don't want to upset you," he said buttoning his shirt.
"What?" I demanded.
"Your aunt's attorney called my uncle and threatened to make a formal complaint to the state about me. That would mean my uncle would have to appear at a hearing and I would have to go. too." He hesitated and then he added. "If she goes through with it, he could lose his license and his entire business."
"Oh. Austin. I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," he said. "I should have told my uncle about us. Naturally he wants to know what's been going on. I don't want to do anything that would hurt him. He's been more like a father to me than my real father."
"I feel terrible."
"That's why I was reluctant to tell you. Rain. Don't go blaming yourself now," he warned, "We'll straighten it out."
"In the meantime, stop worrying about me," I told him. "I'll be fine. I won't do anything stupid like last night. I promise. Just take care of your uncle and yourself."
"You are going to get someone else to help here. aren't you?"
"Yes."
"I'll see about helping you do that and..."
"Austin. I said for you not to worry about me right now. You told me to be independent so let me."
He nodded.
"You've got my pager number if you need me." he said shoving his feet into his shoes. "I'll call you as soon as I can."
He gave me a quick kiss and then hurried out. The pounding of his footsteps down the hallway was almost as heavy as the pounding of my heart.
As soon as I was up and dressed. I called my aunt. I was so angry, my hand trembled holding the receiver. Her secretary said she was away at a meeting in Richmond. She asked if there was any message for her should she call in.
"Tell her that any agreements between us, any compromises, are null and void and that she shouldn't bother bringing any paperwork of any kind to this house. Tell her not to call me about it either," I dictated. I could practically see her secretary writing furiously.
"Oh. Yes," she muttered.
"Tell her if she wants to talk to me she should call my attorney first," I said in a sweet voice, but a voice that also dripped with acid. I hung up.
"If she wants a war," I said to the phone, "I'll give her a war."
.
I didn't hear from Austin until midafternoon. From the tone of his voice. I knew immediately that things were even worse than we had thought.
"Your aunt isn't just threatening to start a complaint process with the state, she's threatening to release all the bad publicity and drive my uncle to ruin if I don't stay away from you. I've explained to him, that I really and truly love you. Rain, but for the moment, until this all calms down, it won't matter. I thought if I just resigned from his company, he'd be fine, but if I did I doubt that I'd ever work as a therapist again."
"Stop talking foolishly. Austin. You know how terrible that would make me feel,"
"I know," he said, his voice so low and full of defeat it brought tears to my eyes. "I hate the thought of you being there all alone while all this is going on. This had to happen just after Mrs. Bogart's leaving."
"You don't believe for one moment that it's just a coincidence, do you?" I asked.
"What a cruel woman your aunt is."
"She'll be sorry," I said.
"I promised my uncle I'd stay away from you. but I'll be there after dark. It's just disgusting that I've got to sneak around."
"Maybe you shouldn't come back, even after dark. Austin. At least, not until things calm down."
"I wouldn't sleep a wink knowing you're all alone in that house at night. Rain. It'll be all right. She can't be having the place watched, can she?"
"She's capable of doing just that," I had to admit. He was quiet.
"I'll be all right tonight," I assured him. "Just call me later," I said.
"We'll see,"
"Austin. if I become the cause of just one more person's unhappiness..."
"All right," he said. I could tell he was frightened, not only for us, but for his uncle. "I'll phone you tonight. Tomorrow, we'll think of something," he said. "Maybe, we'll get you out of there," he added, his voice recuperating from its dark and defeated tone.
"Yes, maybe that would be something to do," I said.
"I love you. Rain. I really do. I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it with all my heart."
"And I love you. It's because I believe you that I can say it. Austin."
"I'll call you in a few hours. Take care."
"You take care." I held the receiver for a long moment after he had hung up.
How dreary the world was again. As if to prove me right clouds rolled in and made the day dark and foreboding. I kept myself busy, cleaning and making dinner. The rain began just as I began to eat. It fell hard and heavy right from the start, pounding on the roof and windows. When the lights flickered. I held my breath. The thought of losing the electricity and making my way about in the dark was frightening.
Lightning slashed through the darkness right near my dining room windows and that was followed with a boom that made the whole building tremble. It rolled away like a dying growl, only to be followed by another flash and another crash of thunder. This time, the lights flickered and went out. I waited, my heart pounding, hoping they would come right back on, but they didn't.
It was as if a curtain had been pulled down in all the rooms and the hallway. Except for the occasional flashes of lightning, darkness ruled, turning each and every piece of furniture into a silhouette of itself, a shadow here and shadow there. I rolled back into the kitchen to look for candles and, feeling about the panty shelves awkwardly. I finally found some. I melted some wax at the bottom of a dish the way I had seen Mama do it and inserted the candle so it stood straight and firm. Then I lit it and placed it on the dining room table. but I had little or no appetite left.
Because there was not enough light, I decided to leave the dishes for later. I put anything that would spoil in the refrigerator, hoping that the electricity would soon come back on. Almost an hour passed and nothing changed. I decided to call the electric company to at least see if they were aware of it. but I was shocked to discover the phone was dead. too.
Truly shut off now from the outside world. I felt myself start to tremble. I tried to comfort myself, to calm myself down and finally decided that the best thing I could do was return to my bedroom and wait. These things could take hours. I thought, and there wasn't much else I could do. The storm didn't seem to be diminishing. In fact, the wind was whipping the torrents over the house, slapping the sides of the building and the windows so hard, the glass rattled and shutters knocked. I couldn't remember a storm as bad as this one during my time here. My luck, it had to happen tonight of all nights.
Suddenly. I heard what sounded like a small explosion and realized that somehow, the rear door had blown open. Perhaps I hadn't closed it tightly enough when my aunt had arrived. I heard the door slam against the wall and I rolled myself down the corridor as quickly as I could. The door was being blown so hard, it would soon be ripped off its hinges, I thought and reached for the handle. The rain seemed to have been waiting for me. A deluge of cold drops slapped my face and soaked my hair and clothes. I got hold of the door handle. Then. I had to struggle with the wind and hold onto the wheelchair at the same time. It was a losing battle. I didn't have the strength and I was getting soaked to the skin. Finally, I gave up and let go of the handle. The door flew back and then came back at me and slammed the side of the chair. I screamed. It had nearly smashed my arm and hand. Quickly, I retreated and then turned and wheeled myself away as fast as I could.
For a moment or
two. I just fought to catch my breath. Shivering more from my own fear than the cold. I carefully wheeled myself into the bedroom and started to remove my wet clothes. I had to get a towel to dry myself off. After that. exhausted. I got into bed and there I lay, waiting, feeling miserable. Despite my fatigue. I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I heard more noise. The periodic boom of thunder echoed through the open rear door, up the corridor and into the house. My teeth chattered. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could.
Why did I convince Austin not to come? I should have been more selfish.
The thunder seemed to get lower and farther away finally. I stopped shivering and felt myself start to relax. The rain didn't seem to be falling as hard either. Maybe it was over at last and the storm had moved on. I waited and listened and hoped and then I was sure I heard the front door open and close.
Austin. I thought. He did come. Good. I couldn't wait to throw my arms around him and hold him closely to me. We'll do what he said. We'll run off together.
Quickened footsteps could be heard. I sat up in the darkness and looked toward the open door. A flashlight's beam appeared and moments later. Aunt Victoria appeared. The disappointment nearly caused my heart to stop.
"What is going on here!" she screamed. "The rain is coming right into the house. Why did you leave the backdoor open?"
She turned the flashlight on me and I covered my face. "Why are you naked? Are you expecting him? Is he here?"
"No one's here," I cried. 'Take that light off me,"
She lowered it to the floor.
"You're a mess," she said. "It's lucky for you I've come just in time
"I don't want you here after the trouble you have caused Austin and his uncle. I told your secretary to tell you. Now get out of here." I screamed at her.