At that, I jump, because Dad doesn’t do much yelling or swearing.
“Don’t swear because of me. Just—don’t.”
He pulls me into a tight hug. “Stay here, with us. Don’t go back, Tera. Please, don’t go away again.”
“I can’t. It’s just too much. Only for a little while.”
He sniffles, then whispers, “Okay, baby girl. Okay.”
He gets up and hugs Sandy tight. They’re murmuring to one another. He heads for the door—to deal with the “disaster”.
“Dad?”
“Yeah, Tera?”
“Tell Ethan I’m not mad at him.” Dad looks at me in surprise. “He showed up, Dad. He showed up when none of the others did. Not even my… husband.”
That pain slices through the void. My husband. My best friends. My family.
“I’ll tell him,” he answers, then closes the door behind him.
Sandy comes over and wipes my face.
“Am I crying?”
She makes a sound in her throat. “Yes. You’re crying.”
“He’s going to need you out there. Dad. He’ll need your help.”
She looks conflicted.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Did you want to take something to help you sleep?” she asks.
“No. I want to watch the movie. They’re a good family.” I used to have that and it all went to hell in one day. How does that happen?
“Okay, honey. I’ll come check on you.”
“M’kay. Thank you.”
“I love you, Tera,” she tells me.
“I love you, too.”
I may call her Sandy, but to me, she’s my second mom.
“Can you call my mom?” I ask.
“I already did. Rest now.”
The door opens and the dull roar of heated voices turns into an explosion of raised, angry voices. When it closes, I’m once again cocooned in the solitude of my room. I press play on the remote and pretend that’s my family on screen—that it hasn’t just shattered.
4
XANDER
I fucked up. I knew it. I know it—but how do I fix it? Can it be fixed?
“What the fuck just happened?” Kennedy asks, dumbstruck. He walked up the stairs to see Linc smash his ham-sized fist into my face. I’m pretty sure my nose is broken, but I don’t care. All I care about is Tera.
I shake my head. “That look on her face. I’ve seen it before.”
“Fuck,” Ben mutters.
I run my bloody fingers through my hair and tug.
“I fucked up so bad. I knew better. I knew and I partied anyway.”
“Dude, you didn’t fuck anyone. What’s the big deal?” Jesse asks.
“You broke your promise to her, you motherfucker!” Linc yells and gives Jesse a shove.
Jesse doesn’t break a sweat. “You may be bigger. You may be able to kick my ass, but I’ll get a couple good ones in. Push me again, Fucker. See what happens.”
Jesse’s a scrapper. He’s been known to fight with the toughest of them. He’s also been known to get down and dirty. It’s no surprise he’s not afraid of Linc—even if the guy can pound him into a pile of mush.
“How the fuck long have we been standing out here?” Ben asks.
“Who cares? We’ll stand here as long as it takes,” Kennedy replies.
Finally, after what feels like hours, Dad opens the door, but he doesn’t let us inside.
“There will be no fist fighting—no physical fighting of any kind in this house. Do you understand?”
Everyone mumbles.
Dad leans forward. “Do. You. Understand?”
Now everyone is quick with their “Yes, Sir”. My dad demands respect. He deserves it. He raised us all—hell, he still is.
“Jesus. Who’s the worst of you?” Dad asks as he takes in our battered appearances.
“Xan,” Ethan answers.
Dad shakes his head. “Christ. You’re worse than when you were teenagers. Are you ever going to grow up and realize there are better ways to deal with things than with your fists?”
Damn. Not a place to go while Linc is pissed off, but Lincoln doesn’t even blink.
“No, Sir. I’ll fight and get all the aggression out in the ring—unless someone fucks with my family. That’s what happened today.”
Linc paces back and forth.
“Seeing her like that, on the floor, so broken. The light in her eyes is gone again. It’s fucking gone and if you fuckers had done what you promised her you’d do, it’d still be there,” he accuses, accentuating it with a pound of his fist against the table.
“You’re not wrong,” Kennedy agrees.
“No, I’m not. I hate that I’m not—for her sake. You’re my brothers, but she’s my sister. My twin. I will protect her with my last breath. She’ll always be standing next to me—even if it means you aren’t,” Lincoln tells us flatly. “It’s not how I want it, but it’s how it is.”
“This is bullshit,” Ben growls. “All we did was have one night of fun without worrying about all the shit. We deserved that! We hit number one, for fuck’s sake. That’s huge!”
Ethan sighs. “Yeah, it’s huge, man; but at what cost? Tera—our sister? Xander’s wife? We didn’t think that through—shit, we weren’t thinking at all.”
“Don’t we get to do that? Not think—for just one night?” Ben asks.
“You saw Tera. You tell me,” Jesse answers. “That’s too high of a price to pay.”
Ben scoffs.
Kennedy cuffs him on the back of the head.
“The fuck, man?” Ben scowls.
“Just trying to help you get your head on right,” Kennedy replies.
“I’m going out for a smoke,” is Ben’s response—well, that and a slight door slam.
“What’s going on with him?” Dad asks.
“He’s going through some shit. Nothing we can’t handle, Pops,” Jesse answers.
“You sure?”
Jesse nods. “Yeah. If not, I know your number.”
“Good. Now…”
Pain lances through my face unlike anything I’ve ever felt before—even worse than Lincoln’s fist. It works its way up into my brain, my skull, my jaw. Fuck!
I let out a howl.
“Yeah, yeah,” Dad says. “Let’s get this set before it heals like that.”
“Shit, Dad. Isn’t there a less painful way?”
Jesse snickers. “You don’t want to ruin your pretty face, do you?”
I give him the finger.
“You didn’t hear me wailing like a girl when he set my nose—”
“Three times,” Dad interjects.
“Whatever. I’m not as badass as you. I can admit that.”
“Son, this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you,” Dad tells me with a smirk.
“Lies!”
Snap, crackle, pop. That’s what it sounds like as he manipulates my nose, bringing tears to my eyes and my bladder threatening to let loose.
“There. All done,” Dad comments as he wipes his bloody fingers on a dishtowel. Thankfully, not Tera’s fancy ones. “That wasn’t so bad, was it.”
Not a question. I just scowl.
“Here.” Sandy cuts a tampon in half and inserts one half in each nostril. She then hands me an ice pack. “You’re going to need this. It won’t stop the black eyes, but it’ll help with the swelling enough that you’ll be able to breathe.”
I look at her, then Dad. They’re silently communicating—laughing at my pain.
“Thanks,” I reply blandly.
Now, Dad lets out the laugh. “You fight, you pay the price.”
“I didn’t even start it—”
Lincoln glares at me, arms the size of my thighs folded across his chest. “Don’t even go there, man.”
I look down and collapse into the kitchen chair in defeat.
“What the hell were we thinking?” I ask aloud, to no one in particular.
“I don’t know, but you
all screwed the pooch with this one,” Sandy berates.
“I don’t even know what to do.” I’m helpless.
Sandy grabs my hand. “Leave her be, Xan. She needs time to heal.”
“Heal? Did something—”
“Her heart,” she answers quickly—too quickly.
“Is there something else going on here?”
“She just needs time,” Dad replies.
That’s not an answer.
“She’s gone, man,” Lincoln says aloud. “She went back there.”
“What?” Jesse asks.
“She went back to that space inside herself, the one where no one can reach her,” Lincoln informs him.
“Damn it. I’m so fucking sorry for last night, but sorry isn’t enough this time,” Jesse mutters. “I knew she was fragile. She’d just found her way back to us.”
“Don’t beat yourself up, brother. We were all there. None of us were thinking clearly,” Ethan placates.
“No, we weren’t. We were too wrapped up in ourselves to remember there are people who can and will—do—get hurt when we’re careless,” I add. “The question now is: How do we make things right?”
Dad shakes his head. “You can’t. Not right now. She needs space.”
“But, Dad, her description of space felt like a thousand miles between us,” I tell him. “She sounded so final—like it was over. Everything was over. I can’t let it be over. Without her…” I drop my head into my hands, dropping the ice pack. Who fucking cares about my nose? Who fucking cares about anything when Tera’s not there?
“I should talk to her,” Jesse announces.
“That’s not a good idea,” Sandy replies.
“This sucks,” Jesse bites out, then looks at Sandy. “Yeah, I know. We made our own bed.”
She nods.
“Ethan,” Dad begins, “Tera wanted me to tell you she’s not mad at you.”
“Really?” Ethan asks, hopeful, eyes glistening.
Dad nods. “She said you came here, for her, first. Before anyone else.”
Ethan swallows thickly and nods. “I did. I knew what… I called Linc last night and caught the first flight out.”
“She knows that. She appreciates you, Ethan,” Dad tells him.
I want to kick my own ass. I should have hopped on the plane. I should have left that party when I wanted to instead of letting Ben and the guys talk me into staying. I keep saying it, but I fucking knew better.
“I can’t live without her. I don’t know how. I don’t want to learn how, either. She’s my heart,” I whisper.
“We’ll fix this, man. Somehow, we’ll fix this,” Jesse encourages.
Maybe for them… but it’s different for me. It’s meant to be different for me. She’s my wife and I didn’t show her the respect she deserves. It wasn’t just a “deal”. I promised her… we all did.
“I think keeping Ben away from her right now would be a good idea,” Kennedy tells us. He gives us all pointed looks and we all nod. Ben’s not in the best place right now. He’s still drinking heavily, smoking weed. Hell, we all drink and smoke a little weed here and there, but Ben’s doing it like he’s on a mission.
“He’ll level off,” Jesse assures us.
I give him a look. He knows what I’m thinking. Ben hasn’t leveled off so far, what’s going to get him to do so now? He’s a ticking time bomb, going off on anyone who he thinks so much as looks at him wrong. He’s wound tight and it’s pretty fucking frightening watching Ben drink himself stupid every night.
“What do we do now?” I ask.
Silence is my answer. This is going to get so much worse before he shapes up.
5
TERA
I knew I’d have to talk to him before he left. I just haven’t had enough time to steady myself.
“Tera. Open your eyes. I know you’re awake,” Xander coaxes softly.
So I do, and I look anywhere but at him.
“I need to pee,” I announce, then push him out of my way as I stalk to the bathroom.
That didn’t take long enough. I wash and dry my hands, take a steadying breath, and walk back out there.
“Tera…” he begins.
I cock my head to the side. What’s he going to say that’s different from what he’s already said?
“I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I’ll be honest with you. I’ve become so accustomed to chicks hanging on me, I don’t even realize they’re doing it anymore. I just let them get their five minutes of rockstar time while I hang with the guys,” he confesses.
I pull my sweatshirt over my head. I’m beginning to smell. Eww.
“I know all of that, Xander. I just never thought I’d have to see it. Ever.”
“I wish I could go back and undo it, T, but I can’t. I’m sorry you’re hurt. I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry I let my guard down. I’m—”
“Sorry you were caught. On film. For the entire world to see.”
He nods.
“This is what I was afraid of, Xander. I knew that if—when—the time came that you were caught in photos, it would explode. And it did. It did because you’ve never been photographed like that before. No one’s seen you like that, so it’s being made into a bigger deal than what it is. Even I know that,” I admit.
He nods again.
“But… You’re my husband. They’re my brothers. You all made me a promise to keep you out of those photos, those tabloids, off TMZ. I know the groupies are part of the gig,” I nod, “but you know I never wanted to see it. It’s why we have the deal. It’s why the guys agreed to help keep you out of the spotlight.”
“I know, Tera.”
“But you’re in it now. Jesus, Xan. Can you imagine if we’d have had that sit down with Rolling Stone already? Can you imagine how that would make me look? How it would make me feel? I’d be a laughing stock. This is why we both agreed to keep our relationship to ourselves—to keep it private. It’s the only thing we’ve got left.”
“I’m sorry. I won’t ask you to do anything you’re not ready for. I just miss you so fucking much and I’m proud of you. I’m proud you’re my wife, which is why I was excited to do the interview. I see now how exposing our private life could hurt you.” He groans and tugs on his hair, much the same way his father does when he's frustrated.
“I want this life for you, Xander. I want you to live your dreams. None of that has changed.”
“But…” he prods.
“But,” I turn around and face him. “But, I can’t be a part of it. You need to live your life and I’ll live mine.”
“What?” he whispers.
“You’re living your dream! Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Live it,” I encourage.
“I want you, Tera. You’re a part of it all, you’re a part of me.”
Tears begin to fall and I close my eyes, only to see images of him and the band, the girls draped over them, the alcohol, the fun, while I was here losing our baby. My heart is shattered. My womb possibly too damaged to give him children. He deserves better.
I want to tell him. I should tell him. But I don’t. I won’t. He doesn’t need to go through more anguish. The level of guilt he has now is too much. I can’t imagine how much worse he’d feel if he knew… well, if he knew.
“Xan,” I say softly. “I will always be a part of you and you will always be a part of me, but I think we need to take a break.”
He flinches, shock evident. “A break? No. I don’t want a break.”
“Xander.”
“No. I don’t want a break. I don’t need a break. All I need is you,” he pleads.
“If that were true, Xander, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in right now.”
He recoils as if I’d slapped him. I don’t blame him. It was harsh—deliberately so. I need to push him away. I need him to go live. I’m too broken. Everything about me is broken.
“You don’t mean this. You’re just upset.”
“No, Xan. I mean every word. We need a br
eak.”
“Who are you right now?” he asks.
“I’m Tera. I’m just showing you the broken parts I usually hide. These broken parts are all I have left. I’m not whole, and I don’t think I ever will be again. You deserve everything this life can give you,” I tell him as I hold both of his hands in mine.
He’s shaking his head in denial.
“No. Tera, don’t do this. I don’t want this.”
I sigh inwardly and bite the inside of my cheek so I don’t sob. This is going to hurt so badly.
“Did you ever stop to think about what I want?”
Xander just looks at me, his eyes filled with despair, anguish. “You want this?”
I have never lied to him. I hate that I’m going to right now.
“I think it’s best. You can go live your life and I’ll live mine,” I tell him, my voice hollow, even to my own ears.
“You want to see other people, you mean,” he says, his lip curling a bit.
“Maybe. If that’s what life brings. We were too young to know what we were doing, too young to realize that life was larger than we were and it had other plans than the ones we made.”
“You don’t mean this,” he says, getting up to pace. “I know you don’t. You can’t.”
I take a deep breath, look him square in the eyes, and lie. I lie my ass off. For him.
“But I do. I think we settled too young in life for what we thought was right for—”
“Settled? You settled for me?” he bites out.
I shrug a shoulder. “I don’t know.”
He drops his head and breathes deeply though his mouth—his nose still too swollen to breathe through. When he raises his head, the look in his eyes isn’t a kind one.
“You settled for me. Is that right? I gotta tell you, Tera. I didn’t see this one coming.”
There he is. The pissed off Xander. The Xander who will make this easier for me—for us. I love him with everything inside of me, but this man deserves everything his life has to offer—not some broken reject who can’t even give him children. No. He deserves everything.
“Settled,” he chuckles, and I wait for it. Oh, this is going to hurt so much. He won’t mean it, but I pushed.
He leans in so his face is right in mine. “I’m the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to you, Tera Louise Ramirez Mackenzie. Settled. Are you fucking kidding me? I’m a catch, baby. I’m a fucking rockstar! I could have as many women as I want every night of the week. Settled. Give me a fucking break.”