“So that was the last time you…” I start to say. I bring my hand up to my mouth. I can’t even bring myself to finish the sentence.
Nina nods. And takes a deep breath. She wipes her face quickly with her hands, because she’s crying a little, and I wipe my face with my hands because as it turns out, I am crying a little, too. “The next morning I called Jason and he kept not picking up his phone and I was figuring he left his phone on vibrate or something. So I just kept calling and calling. And then finally his mom answered.”
Nina looks up at me. My heart squeezes in my chest. “She sounded really weird on the phone, it was like I was talking to this robot or something who’d been programmed to sound like her. I was trying hard to be extra friendly because I always had the feeling she didn’t like me. I was saying something about the wallet she’d gotten for Jason for his birthday, how nice it was and everything but she just cut me off. And she just asked me if I’d seen Jason the day before and I said yeah, that I had. And that we’d had a birthday party for him. And then she said, and I remember, these are her exact words, she said, ‘Well, Nina, your little birthday party killed him.’ And at first I somehow didn’t even think she meant literally, I thought she just must have meant she thought he was really hungover or something, which didn’t even make any sense because he’d been driving and he would never drive if he’d had anything to drink. But then she started saying all this stuff about the preliminary autopsy reports and how they suggested a heroin overdose. And it was obvious from the way she said it that she thought it was my fault.”
“But how could she even think that at all!” I say. I feel my face growing hot. I’m getting mad now.
“Her son had just died, Belly,” Nina says. “I’m not sure you can blame someone for anything they’re thinking in a situation like that.”
And I stop and I nod, because I suddenly remember that I’ve had the tiniest taste of what that might feel like when I thought Nina was dead, and I don’t think I’d even begun to really feel it yet.
Nina goes on. “So here was Jason’s mom telling me he was gone, and I still somehow didn’t even understand what she was saying. I kept thinking that they must have made a mistake and maybe he was just sleeping! And then finally she just said that she had to go and she hung up. My head basically exploded then and I don’t remember much of what happened for a while. I stayed at the Mothership basically catatonic until the funeral.
“It wasn’t until after the funeral was over that I started to think about some things. Like how I knew Jason would never, ever, ever, ever, ever have done heroin, and how Sean had gotten some up at school that time. And then I started thinking about how weird Sean was acting at the wake. I just had this vivid memory of him sitting next to me on the couch, rubbing my back, and telling me how he and I needed each other now that Jason was gone. And that Jason would have wanted us to go through this together. And even though I felt like something weird was definitely going on, I still couldn’t even imagine that Sean would have done what he did.
“But then something else happened. There was this girl named Jeannie who I’d met at the Mothership. She was this funny girl from Texas with a thick Texas accent and was just in town for a few days. But she was there the night of Jason’s party, and after Jason died, she came to his funeral. So she was hanging out with me at the Mothership the day after and the two of us were sitting out front and she was comforting me and I guess she had her arm around me or something. And I just remember looking up and there was Sean walking up the driveway, and he was just glaring at her with this hatred. The next day she was driving back to Texas and she got in a car accident and the insurance company investigator said someone had fucked with her brakes. Thank fucking God she was wearing her seat belt so she was basically fine, but that’s when it all finally clicked in my head. When I found out about Jeannie, I suddenly realized what had happened.”
Nina leans back in her seat. My heart is pounding. “So what did you do?” I say.
“Well, as soon as I realized what happened I went to the police. But all they said was that they’d ‘look into it’.” Nina makes air quotes with her fingers. “It was obvious that they thought I was crazy and weren’t taking me seriously and probably weren’t going to do a damn thing. So I went to his mom and stepdad and tried to explain but they wouldn’t even talk to me. Meanwhile, I was still staying at the Mothership then. I didn’t feel like I could leave or come home, I was just too messed up. Sean kept coming by to see me and finally I just hid in the basement so everyone would think I wasn’t there anymore. But then I just kept thinking about you and about Mom, and how if Sean was capable of killing his own brother to get to me, and would slice some girl’s brakes just because she had her arm around me, then what would he do to the other people I cared about the most? Wouldn’t killing you guys make me need him? And isn’t that what he wanted? So I decided the only thing I could do that would make everyone safe would be to leave…” Nina pauses. “So that’s what I did.”
She turns toward me, her eyes look wet. “I am so, so, so sorry for what you must have gone through. But I know you, Belly, and I knew if you had any idea about what was going on, you’d have insisted on trying to help me.”
Nina looks at me.
“But I knew if you tried to help me at all, you weren’t safe. So I decided it was much better for you to miss me and still be around to miss me…So before Max left and went back home, he’d invited me to come stay with him in Denver for a while if I wanted to. And I didn’t know what else to do with myself, so I got on a bus and I went. I’d written his phone number down on this little cardboard credit card thing that I’d been using as a bookmark but then I ended up forgetting it back at the Mothership, so when I got to Denver I didn’t even know where to go at first and I had no money and I lost my credit card on the bus and had to cancel it. I ended up at this tattoo place and I got this, in honor of Jason.” Nina leans forward and pulls the neck of her tank top down slightly, revealing three tiny numbers inked in black right over her heart. “Jason’s birthday,” Nina says, tapping it. “The way he was on this day, this is how I want to remember him.” Nina lets go of her shirt and takes a deep breath. “And then I ended up staying with the woman who owned the tattoo shop for like a week before I was able to get in touch with Max. After that I worked for her for a while. But it’s like here I was in Denver, pretending my head was screwed on to my body when it was floating a hundred miles up in the sky. I’d wake up every morning and forget where I was and who I was and that Jason wasn’t with me anymore. I just felt like I needed to do something, you know, like to really say good-bye. And I had the snowboard I’d given him with me, because I didn’t know what else to do with it. So I thought about how excited Jason had been to bring the snowboard to Big Sur and give it a trip down the mountain and how he’d always wanted to teach me to snowboard, so I decided that was something I could do for him, give the snowboard just one run, and then go live in San Francisco because he and I had talked about living there together one day, and it seemed like a good place to start over. So finally I made it all the way out to Big Sur. And it was this really perfect gorgeous day and the snow was pure white, just like the snow on the first night I met him. And I stood up at the top of the mountain on Jason’s snowboard looking down at all the trees I was somehow going to have to navigate my way around and I thought, I am insane, this is going to fucking kill me, I mean, I still had never even been on a snowboard before. But I said fuck it, and I just pushed off the top of the mountain, and I know this sounds crazy, but I swear, I could feel Jason with me, holding me up the entire way down. And by the time I reached the bottom, I felt him let me go. And I let him go then, too.” Nina breathes out. She reaches out and puts her hand over her heart. “I went to San Francisco after that. And I’ve just been there ever since.” Nina turns toward me again. “Belly,” she says. She’s staring at me. “Don’t think for even a second that I ever forgot about you or Mom. I thought about you guys every day and
every time Max went to check up on you I just asked him to…”
“Wait,” I say. “What? ”
Nina looks at me, like she’s confused by my confusion. And then she nods. “Oh, right, I haven’t told you that part yet,” she shakes her head. “Max, Jason’s best friend and the guy whose number you found, has been checking up on you and Mom. You’ll probably recognize him when you meet him later.”
I stare at her, blinking. “You had someone check up on us?”
“Every month for the last two years.” She nods. “Max was surprised you didn’t recognize his voice on the phone when you called him, actually. He said you’ve talked to him at least ten times.”
I stop and look at Nina while I try and take all this in.
“So you really didn’t forget about us,” I say.
Nina shakes her head. “Of course not, not even for a second. And all along, I was planning on coming back, I just wanted to make sure I waited long enough that it would be okay for everybody. It’s funny, because just a couple weeks ago I started thinking that maybe it was time. And then Max called me and he told me what was going on, that you’d called him. It wasn’t until later that we realized who you were with, but by then it was too late. When I finally heard you talking to Sean in that motel room, that was the most relieved I’d ever been in my entire life, but then when I heard him almost…” Nina looks at me and just exhales deeply. “How did you pull that off?”
“It was open under the desk,” I say. “I kicked it there and then tried to talk as loud as possible so you’d hear us.”
“Well, it worked. As soon as I heard you through the phone telling him that you were going to look for me on Haight Street, I got my friends to go stand and wait for you guys at Golden Gate Park since I figured you’d have to end up there.”
“Did they follow us? After they told us your address? When we were walking over I had this feeling someone was behind us the entire time…”
“Of course.” Nina nods. “They followed you up the hill and then you guys came into my apartment and then, this guy pointed a gun at me and my amazingly brave little sister tackled him. And I guess you pretty much know the rest.”
And then Nina nods and she collapses back into her seat, like someone who’s been running and running for years and has just finally stopped.
I turn toward her. I have waited so long for this, for this story, for this moment, and I want to tell her I’m sorry, for ever doubting her reasons for leaving, for being angry, for not trusting her, for everything that she’s been through. But when our eyes meet, she just smiles, this bittersweet smile, sad and wise, and I know I don’t have to say anything at all because, in this moment I can tell she already knows. And I know something right then, too, this Nina, this person sitting next to me, is the sister I grew up with, but she’s not quite the same person she was when she left. Then again, neither am I.
“Hey, Belly,” Nina says. “I still want to hear your whole story, too, you know. I mean, there’s a whole lot of what happened that I still don’t understand.” And then she stops and smiles. “But I guess there’ll be plenty of time for that later.”
“Plenty of time for that later,” I say. And I smile, too.
Then Nina goes back to her drawing, and I go back to staring out the window. We’ll be home soon.
Forty-four
I see her before she sees us, my mom, standing by the baggage claim holding two bouquets of yellow flowers.
Nina spots her a second after I do. “It’s her,” she whispers. And then she takes off running.
“Mom!” she shouts. “MOM! MOM! MOOOOOOM!”
Our mom turns when she hears Nina’s voice and then her entire face just lights up. And she just stands there beaming in this light blue sleeveless dress and makeup and the little gold earrings Nina and I got her for Mother’s Day like ten years ago. This is the first time in I don’t even know how long that I’ve seen her in anything other than a nurse’s uniform or a bathrobe and pajamas. She looks beautiful.
When Nina reaches her they throw their arms around each other, and there’s hugging and crying and laughing and when I reach them I get roped in to the hug, too. Out of the corner of my eye I see that everyone who passes is staring at us and smiling. I feel like if we wanted to we could grab every single passerby, one by one, and pull them into our hug until the entire airport is sharing in our happiness. Such is the power of a moment like this one.
Finally, after a very long time we let go and stand there still huddled in the chilly airport air. Nina’s eyes are twinkling, just the way I remember them doing before she ever left. And my mother is just staring at us, looking so soft and pleased and proud, it’s like the drawing of her on Nina’s wall is a portrait of her from just this moment. And then she glances down at her hands like she just realized she’s still holding onto the bouquets of yellow flowers which have now been completely crushed by the fury of our hugs. She thrusts them out toward us. The remaining petals flutter to the floor.
“You’re both grounded,” she says. And the three of us burst out laughing.
Forty-five
A week ago at this time is when it all began. I had just left Mon Coeur with a bag of broken cookies in my hand, and was about ten minutes away from finding Nina’s drawing, and about four hours away from going to a party at the Mothership, and about seven hours away from leaning against a wall and meeting what I thought was just a friendly stranger in a mask. A week ago at this time, I could not have even begun to imagine all of the insane things that were about to happen. But now, sitting out here on lawn chairs on the sidewalk in front of Mon Coeur, I know that even if I could, I wouldn’t change a single moment of the last week. Because if it had somehow gone differently, things might not be exactly the way they are right now.
“Shouldn’t be too long now,” Brad says. He squints at his watch. “The fireworks usually start ten minutes after sunset.”
“You usually start ten minutes after sunset,” Thomas says, poking him in the side.
Brad grins. “I have no idea what that means, sweetness, but you’re too cute to have to make sense.” And he leans his head on Thomas’s shoulder.
It’s just the seven of us, stretched out on the best piece of sidewalk in all of Edgebridge, on the blue and white lawn chairs that Brad found in the back room. To my right, Brad and Thomas are messing with Brad’s digital camera. To my left, Amanda is chatting with Adam, the new guy she’s been seeing, and Adam’s cute best friend Cody, who smiles shyly at me whenever he catches my eye.
And right there in the middle, Nina and I are eating the last bites of our ice cream sandwiches.
Nina licks her fingers, stands up, and tosses both of our wrappers in the trash. “I hope he gets here before they start,” she says. And then she twists her head around, looking at the heavy crowds of people on either side of the street.
“Who?” I say. But she doesn’t hear me because she’s up on her tiptoes waving her arms and yelling.
“Max!” she calls out. “Maxie! We’re over here!” A lanky guy, with red hair and an earring in each ear, is walking towards us through the crowd, grinning.
“Hey, girl,” he says. He’s laughing. “Hey! Hey! Hey!” They hug and he spins her around.
“Maxie,” Nina says. “This is…”
“Hey, I know you,” Brad says suddenly. “You come into Mon Coeur! You always order something quirky…” He starts snapping his fingers, trying to remember.
“Two Earl Grey tea bags in a small to-go cup with extra room for milk!” I say suddenly. This is Earl Grey!
“Girl deserves a raise,” Max/Earl Grey says grinning at me. “Sorry I had to lie to you when you called me last week.” I notice his slight Southern accent now. “That was, uh, kind of necessary at the time.”
“No problem,” I say, grinning back. “Just drop a couple bucks in the tip jar next time you’re at Mon Coeur and we’ll forget all about it.”
“Wait!” Amanda says suddenly, disentangling
herself from Adam’s giant arms. She stands up. “You’re the Southern guy, who we called from Attic! The one who used to date Deb…”
“Well, except there is no Deb,” Max/Earl Grey says. He rocks back on his heels. “That was just some quick thinking on my part.” He taps his temple and winks.
“I am so confused,” Amanda says. And I look over at her and she grins at me like this-is-all-so-crazy.
“I’ll explain later,” I say with a wink.
To her right, Cody is smiling at me again, I smile back.
It’s almost time now.
Women are putting little cardigans on over their dresses and couples are holding hands and leaning against each other. Directly across the street two little girls, one older, one younger, are running, running, running around their parents’ legs.
I turn toward Nina. She reclines a little in her seat and something white falls out of her pocket onto the grass below. I can still just barely make it out under the fading light. It’s the napkin Nina was sketching on during our flight home. There I am, curly hair curling in all directions, one dimple, and a crooked smile. And there she is, straighter hair, matching dimple, big smile that takes up half her face. I reach out for it, but stop myself. I will leave this one here for someone else to find.
“Belly.” Nina pokes me in the arm. “Look up! They’re starting!”
And I tip my head back just in time to see the dark summer sky fill up with light.
Acknowledgments
Thank you so very much…
To Liesa Abrams, Andrea Byler, Tigerlili Cavill, Mary Crosbie, Diego Hernandez, Melanie Altarescu Jafar, Sarah Lee, Greg Matherly, Micol Ostow, Christopher Prince-Barry, Lizzie Schechter, Christina Sfekas, Jill Santopolo, Daniel Shaw, Bob Smith, Siobhan Vivian, and Elise West for helping me with this book in a variety of ways, some that you know about and some that you don’t. You are very special and very precious and of course very, very pretty!