“I am, I have a husband who loves me so much he doesn’t see anyone but me and we have two children who know they are safe and can rely on us day and night. We have this house that is always warm and has something cooking in the oven and all the lights are on because the kids keep running from room to room as they play with their toys.”
I have to stop; my wishful future is so vivid in my mind I can almost reach out and snatch it.
“I guess you’ve thought about this often?”
I nod, “Many, many times,” I say, and drain half my beer.
“It’s a humble wish, Alice and it’s fucked up that something everyone takes for granted isn’t possible for you.”
“I’d love for my wish to come true, but as it stands, you’ve made Joel’s wish come to life and that’s all I need to see him happy.”
For now, but I don’t say that out loud.
“What’s your plan for when you return home?” he asks and that is an answer I don’t want to deal with right now.
I am getting used to life here for now, and as temporary as it is, I am starting to see a light shining in Joel that didn’t shine so bright at home.
“Tell me about your wish,” I say, ignoring his last question.
“I would wish that I got to know Joel before I did…and you.”
Raising one eyebrow, I’m soon to let him know how cheesy he sounds, but he carries on and a part of me is eager to hear more.
“I know there are many people out there who’ve had shitty childhoods, but you and Joel have used it to further yourselves, you haven’t let it break you.”
“That’s an understatement, I feel broken a lot of the time,” I admit.
“You’re not broken, Alice, you’re more together than most people I know.”
I pick at the label on my beer bottle, careful not to look at him and smile when I think of something to say.
“You have to elaborate, Mr Coleman.”
Throwing the same words he used on me back at him.
“What would happen if you had met us long ago?”
“I would’ve sorted Joel out with a job around the band, he’s talented. There’s no way he would want to return to England after living life here in the states, so I’d make sure he was looked out for. And you…” he muses, thinking of what say next, “I would wish that you found every happiness you deserve and every happiness that has been taken away from you and returned to you tenfold. With you and Joel having had relied on each other for so long, I’d make sure you had something to occupy your time with while Joel was working. If it so happened to be me you were occupying your time with, I wouldn’t mind.”
“Is that right?” I burst out with a laugh.
“Hey, it’s my wish, and that’s how I wish the past played out.”
“And how would we occupy our time together?”
I’m feeling brave and I desperately want to hear his answer.
He turns his head towards me and the corner of his mouth pulls up into a mischievous grin.
“We would get up to all sorts, Alice, beyond anything you could dream off.” His voice drops to a whisper and he begins to lean in.
I could kiss the lead star in the biggest rock band on the planet and let go off all my worries and stresses, I could let him show me a good time, as the rest of them say, and I could enjoy being twenty-two years of age. But, the only reason I’m here is because the man who is leaning in closer is Joel’s idol and I’m here for him.
Sitting back, I drain the last of my beer, and say, “It’s a pity our wishes will never come true.”
He releases a short sigh and sits back. He isn’t angry about being rejected, he laughs and finishes his beer.
“Like I said, I’ve never met anyone quite like you and your brother.”
“That’s because most people want the world, all I want is for my brother to get better and I’d sell my soul to see it happen.”
“You’re amazing, you really are. I don’t know anyone who would sell their soul for me.”
I’m sure that’s not true, he’s Damon bloody Coleman, I’m sure he has an army of fans who would do anything to save him.
Chapter Seven
Even when the band aren’t doing anything, they’re still moving around. There are hotels to check out of, flights to take, new hotels to unpack in. We arrived in Chicago late last night and it hasn’t stopped raining. Joel and I couldn’t go for our morning walk because of it, and it’s made me grouchy. Over the last week I’ve come to love our walks alone in the mornings. Freddie and Baz showed up a few hours ago and River showed up an hour ago. I guess the rain keeps them all in. None of them noticed when I slipped into my room for a breather. I thought I’d have five minutes to myself as I laid down on the bed. That was two hours ago. I’ve never been this tired, but I haven’t been able to sleep. I lay here listening to the rain beat against the window and think of nothing. Sometimes I hear the guys shout and laugh, and I wait for it to quieten down again, going back to the rain.
There’s a soft knock at the door. If it were Joel, he would walk straight in, because whoever it is are waiting for me to answer, I ignore it.
Hopefully they’ll think I’m asleep and leave me alone. My life isn’t that lucky, the door opens and closes, and Damon is walking across the room when I lift my head to see who is disrupting me.
“I’m sleeping,” I mumble when he’s standing before me.
“Yeah, looks like it,” he smirks.
Ever since our chat he is a lot more intense around me. It’s like he’s seen an opening from me to be besties or something. Don’t get me wrong, I do like him, I think.
“We’re putting a movie on, Joel asked me to ask if you want to join us?”
“Sure.”
He offers his hand, and I’m reaching out before I’m thinking it through. He is so warm under my touch and he pulls me up in one swift movement. I land on my feet and come face to face with his chest. I daren’t look up at him being this close and take my hand back. He gets the message and steps away.
Sweeping his arm between us, he motions for me to leave the room first and I gladly do. Joel is propped up in the armchair and Freddie is sat, leaning against Joel’s chair. Baz sits on the second armchair with one of his legs draped over the arm. I join River on the couch and Damon sits beside me.
“Is this what your life has become?” Baz asks Damon, full of shock and with a tint of disgust.
The movie they chose is about to begin. It’s nice being altogether, usually Baz and Freddie are too busy with women or sleeping off the drink. River does his own thing most of the time but always makes the effort to check on me each day, asking if I need a time-out. This will be the longest we’ve been around all four members of the band.
“The point of watching a movie is that you shut up and watch it,” Damon growls.
Flying popcorn comes hurtling towards Damon and because I’m sat next him, I get hit too.
“Both of you shut up,” Freddie says, threatening to throw his own popcorn.
The shock on Damon’s face that Freddie would throw food at him makes me laugh and his neck nearly snaps when he turns to look at me.
“You find that funny?” he asks me.
I can’t help it, I nod, and I receive a handful of popcorn thrown at me. He only makes me laugh harder.
It turns into a full-fledged food fight and as I lean over for another bowl of chips to use, arms wrap around my waist and I’m being pulled backwards.
I instantly know it’s Damon, his cologne and his natural scent are a combination only he owns. I stop laughing when his breath hits my neck and I catch my breath only to lose it to him. He needs to stop doing this to me. There’s thousands of women he can do this too.
“You can’t hide behind a chick, that ain’t fair,” Baz whines, trying to aim for Damon.
“Looks like the fight is over,” River says seriously, looking over at Joel.
Both Damon and I go still. His eyes are glazed over and
he’s a deathly shade of pale.
“I’m going to be sick,” he manages to say and before I can move, Damon has let me go and is across the room. He doesn’t think twice, he picks Joel up and takes him through to the bathroom. I follow closely behind them and stay in the doorway. Damon doesn’t hesitate, he kneels beside Joel hovering over the toilet and rubs his back.
He cares so much about Joel and I keep treating him like an annoying fly always buzzing around us. It’s a beautiful sight to see someone taking care of Joel besides me.
When he’s finished, Damon helps him stand and holds him up, so he can brush his teeth. Joel splashes water on his face and Damon grabs a towel and dries him off.
“I need to lay down.”
His voice is scratchy, and Damon helps him into the bedroom and I pull the covers back ready for him.
I tuck him in and kiss him lightly on the forehead.
“I’ll be right outside,” I tell him, but his eyes are already closed and he’s drifting off to sleep.
I can’t sit or stand around. I go back into the living area and start tidying up. If I don’t keep busy, I’ll worry about Joel, and I’ll end up having thoughts about Damon that I shouldn’t be having just so I don’t think about Joel, and I certainly don’t want to think about how Joel is getting worse. Everything is whirling around my head, it takes a minute to notice the guys have left.
“Leave that, I’ll call someone up to clean it up.”
“I want to keep busy,” I snap, using my hand to sweep the popcorn off the sofa.
“Leave it.”
I stop, his authority grounds me and my shoulders sag under the weight of the exhaustion.
He walks over to me and slides one hand around the back of my neck, and the other in my hair. I don’t fight him when he presses his lips against mine.
He moves slowly at first, until I deepen our embrace. I need more. I need his touch.
I grip onto his arms and his muscles strain against my skin. Kissing Damon Coleman is like a rare balm for the soul.
“I’ve wanted to do that every day since New York,” he pulls back to say, then leans back in and captures my mouth.
His hands leave my hair and drop to my hips. He picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist. My back hits the couch a moment later and his erection presses into my thigh as he lays upon me. I am so turned on I’m going to combust at any moment.
Then like a cold shower, it’s gone.
Joel coughs.
I hear it as clear as church bells.
Damon assaults my neck with his lips and trails them down to my shoulder. I push against his chest, but he doesn’t feel me.
“Get off me, Joel needs me,” I scream into his hair covering my face.
He springs off me and I rush over to Joel’s room. I throw open his door to find him still asleep, he must’ve been clearing his throat.
I shut the door and turn to a dark eyed Damon watching me like he’s ready to pounce a second time. He moves closer to me and the early need to be near him fades.
“We shouldn’t…”
He cuts me off, “We should.”
“No…”
“No one kisses like that if it’s not meant to happen again…and again,” he says, huskily and needlingly.
“It shouldn’t have happened in the first place, I got carried away...”
“You’re pushing me away and I know you don’t want to, not deep down. You’re allowed to feel good sometimes, Alice.”
He’s not listening, as usual.
“I’m not going to lay on my back for you while my brother is sick in the next room.”
My words slice through him like shards of ice and he backs away. How can he wind me up and then make me feel guilty when he pushes too far?
“Fuck you for thinking so highly of me,” he growls and grabs his jacket from his room.
He doesn’t say another word and slams the door on his way out. I sink onto the chair and close my eyes.
Hopefully there is one day I won’t mess everything up. I push Joel too far, I wrap him in cotton wool and over protect him. I take my pain out on Damon when all he does is care. I’m such a bitch and I’m bloody tired of it.
Chapter Eight
Damon
Slamming the door after me does nothing but echo around me. It doesn’t relieve the frustration or dowse the humiliation. I got so carried away with her in my arms, I wasn’t thinking properly, fuck, I wasn’t thinking at all. I was lost in the moment with her, I needed her more than I needed my next breath.
I make it halfway to the elevator before I stop and backtrack to the door to the suite. I wrap my hand around the key card in my back pocket and freeze. I want to go in and apologise, but I’m learning fast how Alice thinks, if I push her too far, too fast, she’ll go back to shutting me out completely. Then again, if that’s what she really thinks about me, then there is no chance of going back to getting to know her.
I push away from the door and stride over to the elevator, I have to stop myself from punching the button for the lobby but still, I press it harder than necessary.
I call Harry on my way down and when the doors open, he is waiting for me.
“Where is everyone?” I ask.
“They went to Rockers ‘n’ Rollers.”
Perfect.
Loud music, alcohol, and masses of people to distract me.
“Take me to them,” I instruct him.
Throughout the drive, I burn to have the car turn around and take me back to her, just being near her sets my soul on fire. She’s sad, uptight, stubborn, and protectively sarcastic, and yet, from the minute we landed in LA, all I’ve wanted to do is break through her barriers, and get closer to her.
Fuck.
I’ve become accustomed to women coming to me, falling over themselves to please me, it’s made me lazy when it comes to the opposite sex.
The club is bouncing and the queue to get in is up the street and around the corner. Harry brings the car to a stop outside the doors, and climbs out, coming to open my door. I hear my name being called by the people in the queue, but tonight, I can’t focus on them. The music inside soon drowns them out, and Harry sticks to my side as I push through the crowds. I don’t have to guess where the guys will be, I’ll find them in the VIP area.
I spot Baz first, standing on one of the tables, holding a bottle of something in the air. Freddie is busy hooking up with a chick in the corner, not giving a shit about everyone around them. River is the only one who notices me and pours me a drink. I fall onto the chair next to him and neck the shot in one go.
“I’m surprised to see you here, how’s Joel?”
I pour myself another drink and down it in one. Slamming the glass down on the table, I reach for the bottle and swig straight from the source.
“Damon, what’s going on?”
“I’ve ruined everything,” I admit, sinking a large gulp of burning whiskey, “When I first saw her, I forgot how to breathe. I wasn’t ready for this, but I’ve got used to it real fast and I’ve already fucked it with her.”
“You’re talking about Alice?” he sighs and takes the bottle from me.
“Who else would I be talking about?” I grunt, leaning over to take the bottle back.
He moves it out of my reach. I look around the table and find a full bottle of champagne. Anything will do tonight, I’m not fussed.
“What happened?”
Tipping the bottle back, I pour the cold bubbles down my throat. I’ll drink as much as I must to forget the disgustful remark she threw at me.
“I kissed her.”
“So? How’s that ruined anything? Isn’t she into you?”
“I think she is, but with Joel as sick as he is, I reckon she feels bad about having a good time occasionally.”
“Tell me exactly what happened,” he says.
I sink another large mouthful of champagne and tighten my grip around the neck of the bottle.
“Joel went to sleep, and sh
e started cleaning up, I told her to leave it but I could see that she needed a distraction and I’ve wanted to kiss her since we were in New York, so I did, and she was into it until she heard Joel coughing. When she came back from checking on him I was hoping to pick up where we left off, but she had already closed herself off.”
“And then what happened?” he pushes.
“And then she said, she wasn’t going to lay on her back for me while her brother was sick in the next room. Like I said, I pushed her too fast.”
Fuck this.
I chug back the remainder of champagne and shove the bottle back in the ice bucket. I eye the bottle of whiskey River took from me sat on his lap, and take it back.
“You don’t have to know her for too long to know she hides behind Joel, Damon. Give her time and I imagine it will work itself out.”
River is more like a brother to me and while I usually take all his advice, tonight, I just want to wallow.
“Hey, Damo, watch out,” Baz hollers, and as I turn around to see what he’s going on about, a blonde beauty falls onto my lap.
Her perfume attacks my senses and her skin feels like sandpaper brushing against me. She winds her arm around my neck and leans in to speak in my ear.
Before she can say a word, I jerk my leg, and she stands, looking down at me.
I don’t want to be rude to her, I’m sure she’d stick with me all night, laugh at my jokes if I were in the mood, and she’d jump at the chance to go home with me, but I can’t open my mouth.
I just ignore her, just like I should’ve done with Alice. She gets the message and walks away from the table and I check my phone.
Alice hasn’t tried calling or sent any messages.
“I can’t deal with this,” I admit.
“You know what she’s been through, and the only guy she needs is her brother. She’s the type who wants a guy, not needs them, the only thing she needs from you is to be there for Joel. You’re treading on a fine line if you’re falling for her.”
The mixture of champagne and whiskey is starting to hit me, and I lean my head in my hands on the table.
“You are falling for her, aren’t you,” he says.