He snatched the keys from me. “There was nothing pretty about my Ute. It was manly and loud.”
It must’ve nearly killed him to give up his beloved Ute in favour of a more family friendly car. It didn’t stop me teasing him though. “Unlike this girly thing,” I mocked. “Before you know it, you’ll be trading it in for a minivan.”
He threw open the driver’s door. “Get in the girly car, Charlotte,” he ordered. “And put your seatbelt on.”
We were well out of town before I braved the subject of Gabrielle and Jack. Unlike the day before, Alex wasn’t snappy at the mention of their names. If anything, he was optimistic. “Hopefully, she’ll be much better today,” he told me. I glanced across at him and smiled. “Today will definitely be better.”
As far as I was concerned, it already was.
***
There was a lot going on when we stepped out of the elevator on the maternity floor. Yesterday it was quiet and orderly like a hospital should be. Today it resembled a busy hotel lobby. A big pile of luggage was stacked up near the desk at the nurse’s station and Wade Davis stood at the counter. I was hopeful that meant that Jasmine and her new baby were checking out.
I muttered to Alex from the corner of my mouth as we walked toward the nursery. “Be nice.”
Wade’s whole beefy body went rigid at the sight of him. “Alex,” he muttered, greeting him with a stiff nod.
Alex surprised both of us by replying. “How are you Wade?”
I couldn’t blame him for the look of terror on his face. From what little I knew, my father had threatened to knock him out the day before.
“I’m okay,” he replied. “We’re going home today.”
“Nice.” Alex almost managed to sound sincere. “Good luck with everything.”
Wade’s mouth fell open as if he was going to return the sentiment, but thought better of it. Alex wouldn’t have heard him if he had. He’d already disappeared into the nursery.
“I’m very sorry about yesterday. Alex is too,” I embellished.
“No worries, Charli,” he replied, relaxing in an instant. “I understand.”
I wasn’t sure that he did, but I smiled and thanked him anyway. I then excused myself and followed Alex into the nursery before he had a chance to speak again.
My heart dropped a little bit at the sight of Alex standing over the cot, peering down at the baby. I’d been hopeful that he was over admiring him from a distance.
“Pick him up,” I ordered.
Alex glanced up at me. “No. He’s sleeping. He’s fine.”
My eyes darted around the room; looking for any excuse I could find to make him lift his son out of the crib. “He needs a bath.” I walked over to the baby bath in the corner of the room and wheeled it over to the sink. “You get him ready and I’ll fill it.”
“Stop it, Charli,” mumbled Alex. “There’s no problem here. Stop looking for one.”
All of my breath escaped me in a frustrated huff. “Fine,” I replied stubbornly. “I’ll bathe him myself.”
Alex stepped aside and motioned toward the baby with his hand. “Up to you.”
If there was an award given for mean sister of the year, I was a serious contender. Jack was truly asleep. Disturbing him to give him a bath was unkind, but I did it and he didn’t go quietly.
His tiny little cry travelled all the way through me, and when I glanced up at Alex and noticed him chewing his bottom lip, I knew it was affecting him too.
“He doesn’t like the water, Charli,” he muttered.
I lifted the baby to my shoulder and covered him with a towel. “He’s a Blake. How could he not like the water?”
Alex didn’t speak again. He didn’t need to. Jack was protesting enough for the both of them. As I lowered the tiny boy into the water, his cry amplified. “Jack, please,” I begged. “I know I’m a bit out of practice, but you’re making me look bad.”
He obviously wasn’t listening. The heartbreaking little trill continued. After just a minute, Alex had reached his limit. Rather than step in and take over, or demand that I hand him his son, he decided to leave. “I’m going upstairs to see Gabi,” he muttered. “I’ll be back soon.”
He didn’t give me a chance to tell him what a coward I thought he was. He practically bolted for the door.
I lifted the clean but wailing baby out of the bath and bundled him up in a towel. “Don’t take it personally, Jack,” I whispered. “Dad doesn’t do crying.”
***
Settling the baby was easier than I thought it would be. As soon as he was dressed and comfortable, he quietened down. I spent a long time cradling him in my arms as we wandered around the nursery. I would’ve ventured further but didn’t want to push my luck. According to Hannah, I was already breaking rules by being in there unsupervised to begin with. Fortunately, I had a good view of the reception area from the doorway.
Micky was the nurse on duty that morning, and she had her work cut out for her trying to discharge the Davis family. Wade stood at the counter, presumably taking care of the paperwork while Jasmine sat on the small sofa surrounded by their army of mini Beautifuls.
I hadn’t seen the twins in a long time, and was surprised by how much they’d grown. Cheynie was bouncing around on the cushion beside Jasmine – who seemed oblivious to the fact that her daughter was coming dangerously close to whacking her newborn baby in the head with the kiddy size umbrella she had in her hand. Lincoln was standing to the left of the couch, stripping the leaves off a decorative pot plant.
“Is your name really Micky?” Wade asked, leaning over the counter to get a better look at her nametag.
“Yes.” Her dull reply sounded nothing like the upbeat girl I’d met the day before. “It really is.”
Wade flashed her his best beefcake grin. “Oh, Micky, you’re so fine you blow my mind.”
Wade’s mind had been blown long before that moment. Perhaps Micky realised it too, which is why she didn’t call security and have him ejected from the building. “Like I haven’t heard that before.” She shoved a stack of papers at him. “Sign these, please.”
“Hurry up, babes,” demanded Jasmine, bouncing Lachlan far too roughly on her knee. “I’ve got a nail appointment at eleven.”
Slightly appalled and extremely amused, I turned around and headed over to Jack’s cot. “You’re going to grow up with those monsters,” I whispered to him. “I hope you’re ready for that.”
27. LIMITS
It was a long morning. I was bored, but determined to stay put. I hated that Jack spent so much time alone but on the plus side, it didn’t seem to bother him. It brought comfort that he was so quiet. Gabrielle was probably going to need a lot of recovery time, and a placid baby would probably make things easier.
Hannah came on shift at twelve. We chatted for a little bit, mainly about the Lost Boys. “Don’t take any nonsense from them, Charli,” she warned. “Tyler takes a few too many liberties at times.”
“Oh, I don’t know.” I grinned at her. “Urging me to leave my husband, dump my kid and move back to the Cove seems perfectly reasonable.”
Her head lolled back as she slapped her palm against her forehead. “Oh, my God. He really said that?”
“Yeah.” I laughed. “He really did.”
The phone on the desk beeped and Hannah excused herself to answer it. I checked on Jack, sat back down on the chair and continued reading the not-so fascinating brochure I’d found about breast-feeding techniques.
I didn’t get through much of it before Hannah reappeared at the doorway. “You’re needed upstairs, Charli.”
I’d been quite relaxed until then, but nervousness quickly kicked in. “Is Gabi okay?”
Her rigid nod wasn’t very believable. “Everything is fine, but your dad needs you,” she replied. “Give me a minute and I’ll take you up there.”
Hannah disappeared down the corridor, returning a minute later with Nurse Nasty in tow, presumably to hold the fort while she was
gone.
I followed Hannah into the elevator and demanded information as soon as the doors closed.
“Nothing has changed,” she assured me.
Ordinarily, that would’ve been good news, but change is what the doctors were hoping for. Gabrielle wasn’t responding to treatment.
“They’re going to remove her breathing tube and replace it with a tracheal tube,” she explained.
“I don’t know what that means,” I replied, shaking my head.
Hannah had an uncanny knack of explaining things simply and thoroughly in just a few sentences. By the time the doors opened, I knew more about tracheal intubation than I wanted to, and I understood exactly why she was taking me to Alex.
“The doctors have tried to explain the process to him, but he’s freaking out a little bit.”
I knew why. Of all the medical intervention Gabrielle had endured, seeing the tube down her throat is what hurt Alex the most. Intubating her was going to be far worse. “Of course he is, Hannah,” I muttered. “He’s just been told that they’re going to put a hole in her throat.”
We passed through two sets of double doors to get to a tiny room that reminded me of a holding cell in a jail. In fairness, it was probably slightly more welcoming. There was a small sofa, two small chairs and a few crappy generic prints hanging on the light blue walls.
Alex was there too, sitting on the edge of the sofa with his face buried in his hands.
“I’ll leave you alone for a minute,” murmured Hannah.
When she pulled the door closed, the room got even smaller. I quickly concluded that this was the bad news room. This was where relatives were sent to freak out and grieve in private.
I sat down next to Alex, hooked my arm through his and pressed my face against his upper arm. I didn’t dare speak. I just waited for him to say something.
“They’re going to cut a hole in her throat,” he finally mumbled.
Word for word, his coarse breakdown of the procedure was exactly what I expected. It was all he would’ve heard while they were explaining it to him.
“She’ll be more comfortable,” I quietly reasoned. “They’re doing it to help her.”
Alex shrugged me away and stood up. Moving to the other side of the room was pointless. It was so small that I could have reached out and grabbed him from where I sat.
“They keep telling me they’re helping her,” he told me. “Why are they putting her through this?”
I had no answers for him and knew better than to pretend otherwise. “You just have to trust that they know what they’re doing.”
“She’s not getting better, Charli.” He turned around and rested his head against the wall. “She’s dying.”
No one had ever told him that. He’d drawn that horrible conclusion on his own because every time he dared to hope, he was knocked down with more bad news.
Everyone has a limit, and Alex had reached his. He let out the most gut-wrenching moan I’d ever heard and slammed his fists into the wall. Then he went silent and still, which was even harder to watch. I made my way over to him and wrapped my arms around his middle.
His head and hands remained pressed up against the wall as if he was trying to push his way out of the room.
I pressed my cheek against his back and held him tightly as silent sobs invaded his body. I closed my eyes, thinking back to the conversations we used to have when I was a kid.
Alex had spent more than his fair share of time standing at the bottom of the big tree in our front yard over the years. He’d try and coax me down, and I’d order him to go away.
“Never going to happen, Charli,” he’d say. “You need me to stand here. You just don’t realise it.”
I had needed him, which is why I was prepared to hold my position indefinitely. He needed me now. He just didn’t realise it.
The nightmare we were stuck in was impossibly slow moving. It gave Alex too much thinking time, and it wasn’t doing him any good. In a sure-fire sign that he wasn’t thinking clearly, he finally broke my hold, turned around and huffed out a few ridiculous instructions. “Tell them no,” he ordered, pointing at the door. “Go out there and tell them they’re not to touch her.”
He sounded so desperate that I found myself nodding in reply. Alex mimicked me, nodding in return as if that somehow sealed the deal.
“I’ll talk to them,” I promised. “I’ll tell them.”
It was a big fat lie, but it was necessary. Alex calmed in an instant. I even managed to talk him into going back downstairs to spend time with Jack so when it came to lying to my father, it was one of my more successful efforts.
I walked him to the elevator and then went in search of Hannah. ICU wasn’t her territory so not surprisingly; she wasn’t at the nurse’s station. After quickly explaining the situation to the nurse behind the desk, she kindly picked up the phone and tracked her down.
The next time the elevator door opened, Hannah was in it. The woman was like an angel. Every single time we needed her, she was there.
I wasn’t sure where she was leading me as we walked along the corridor. I used the time to fill her in on Alex’s dreadful mindset.
“At the end of the day, Charli, nothing has changed,” she reasoned, pushing through a set of double doors. “Gabi’s condition hasn’t deteriorated. We would’ve hoped to see improvement by now, but she’s certainly not worsened.”
“Alex doesn’t see it that way,” I replied. “He’s struggling. I need you to tell the doctors to hold off intubating her for a while – just a few hours.”
No amount of extra time was likely to change Alex’s mind, but at least it would give me a chance to try and calm him down.
Hannah stopped walking, halting both of us. “I can’t tell them that, Charli,” she said sympathetically.
“I’ll tell them,” I offered desperately. “Take me to a doctor.”
I spent the rest of the long walk down the corridor steeling myself to deal with an uppity old doctor in a white coat – a suitor for Nurse Nasty perhaps. The reality was much different.
Doctor McCane was young and female – probably younger than Gabi. Hannah gave her a quick rundown, but completely omitted my reason for wanting to talk to her.
I prayed I was articulate enough to explain. I’d already decided to call Adam and get him to plead our case if I failed. “Just until morning,” I begged. “My dad just needs a bit of time to get his head around it.”
Her mouth formed a tight line and I instantly knew I wasn’t winning. The woman had iced water running through her veins. “Ms Décarie will be more comfortable once the tracheal tube is in place,” she explained. “It will also aid in keeping her lungs clear.”
I was shaking my head the whole time she spoke. “She’s not Ms Décarie,” I said sourly. “Her name is Gabrielle. You don’t know anything about her. You don’t know anything about us. You don’t know that I’ve just spent the last twenty-four hours desperately trying to hold my father together because he thinks she’s dying.”
Hannah stepped to the side and grabbed my arm. “Calm down, Charli,” she quietly urged.
I jerked my arm free, just as hot tears began trickling down my cheeks. “I will not calm down,” I growled. “I know a small delay won’t be detrimental to Gabi’s treatment.” I’d shamelessly stolen that line from Hannah, which is why I managed to say it with the utmost of confidence. “All I am asking for is a few hours. If you deny me, it’s only because you’re pulling rank.”
“You’re asking me to delay treatment.” There was a hint of condescension to her tone now, which made my reply extra sour.
“No, I’m asking you to set your God complex aside for a minute and show some compassion.”
After a long moment of deliberation, Doctor McCane grew a heart and yielded. “I’ll reschedule the procedure for first thing in the morning. I’m not prepared to delay it any further.”
I swept my hands through my hair, trying to pull myself together. “Thank you,” I
breathed. “I’m just asking for a few hours.”
The nod she gave was aimed squarely at Hannah, and she didn’t look pleased.
I studied Doctor McCane closely as she walked away. She went about her business as if the last few minutes of conversation had never happened.
I, on the other hand, felt as if I’d just gone ten rounds in a boxing ring.
“Nice work,” praised Hannah once she was out of earshot. “I’m amazed that went your way. Doctors usually don’t like being called out on their God complexes.”
I looked across at her, immediately noticing her sly smile.
“I’m used to it,” I muttered. “My brother-in-law thinks he’s God too.”
She let out a quiet chuckle. “Do you want to visit Gabrielle before you go?”
“No.” I didn’t even need to think about it.
I’d been unwittingly forced into the position of taking charge. Historically, that had been Alex’s job. I’d always believed that he could fix the whole world when I needed him to, but my eyes had been opened in the most brutal of ways. He wasn’t quite that powerful.
I declined Hannah’s offer of visiting Gabi before leaving ICU because I was scared. That meant I wasn’t powerful either.
Hannah didn’t push the issue, because Hannah doesn’t push. Instead, she escorted me back to the maternity ward to continue the mammoth task of trying to hold my family together.
***
I spent a long time spying on Alex and Jack through the viewing window, which was pointless. Nothing ever changed. My dad sat beside him, gripping the edge of his cot. He’d occasionally pat his back or fuss with his blankets but gave the poor kid nothing else.
Just pick him up, I silently willed a hundred times.
He didn’t. And the sad, disconnected moment they were stuck in continued.
28. WALKING AWAY
It was becoming harder and harder to talk to Alex. The late afternoon drive back to the Cove was a repeat of the day before; only this time the long lulls in conversation didn’t bother me.