“Thank you.” She smiled. Being with him felt so good. “Whatever happens tomorrow . . . I will always be with you. Until we see each other again. However long that takes.”
He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. The love in his eyes said it all.
“Okay.” She sniffed and the seriousness of the moment lightened. “And I promise the rest of our days I won’t be as difficult.”
He tilted his head back and laughed. Then he shook his head and kissed her again. “That’s good.”
For the rest of the evening and into the night, Marcus stayed by her side. They didn’t tell anyone about his proposal or their plans to marry. He would tell them tomorrow. For now it was just the two of them, dreaming about a future that until today had not seemed possible.
After tomorrow her heart would no longer beat inside her chest. Instead a machine would keep her alive. There would be no swimming, no escaping the cord that would come from her chest to her battery pack. But she would be alive.
Finally around nine o’clock, he stood. “I want you to sleep.”
She couldn’t find the words. It hurt just thinking about telling him goodbye.
He reached for her hand. “Let’s pray.”
“Okay.”
And with that Marcus prayed the most beautiful prayer Mary Catherine had ever heard. He asked that God would get her through the surgery and that the mechanical heart would take perfectly, and that the Lord would give them a life together.
And something that gave Mary Catherine a peace that passed understanding.
Marcus asked that God would keep His angels around her until they saw each other again.
21
LEXY LOOKED OUT THE apartment window just as the car pulled up. In all her life she had never felt more scared and sick and unsure of what she would even say. This was all still a shock. First the news that Mary Catherine almost died.
Then this.
Just yesterday Sami had gotten news that Lexy’s mother was being let out of prison today. Today. With no warning. Her mama’s sentence had been cut short a year and now she was free. She was going home to live with Lexy’s grandmother. But first she wanted to come here and talk to Lexy.
Sami had picked her up from the bus stop fifteen minutes ago.
Lexy watched her mom step out of the passenger side. Her clothes hung on her and she held just one small plastic bag of things. She looked nothing like the mama who had gone to prison when Lexy was just a little girl. Her eyes were tired and her face and arms were skinny.
Like she was more dead than alive.
Lexy closed her eyes for a moment and held her breath. She wasn’t ready for this. Sami would tell her to pray, so she tried. God, it’s me. Lexy. I feel sick, so maybe You could help me get through this. Thanks.
She stepped back from the window and opened the door. As soon as their eyes connected, her mom looked down for a long while. She seemed embarrassed. Like it might be easier to go back to prison than face Lexy now.
Finally she lifted her head. Her eyes looked a million years old. “Hi, baby girl . . . I’m back.”
Lexy didn’t speak or move. What was she supposed to say?
Sami followed Lexy’s mother into the apartment. She pointed to the couch and chair a few feet away. “Maybe we could all sit down for a bit.”
“Yes.” Lexy’s mom nodded. “Thank you.”
Lexy couldn’t imagine sitting next to her mom. Like nothing had happened. Lexy took the chair and waited while her mother sat on the sofa. They were facing each other but it felt like there was an ocean between them. Her mom folded her hands neatly on her lap and cleared her throat. “Sami tells me you’re . . . pregnant.”
Lexy nodded. It took her a minute to look at her mother after that. “Yeah. I am.” Lexy had asked Sami to tell her mom about the baby before they got here. It was too awkward for Lexy to do it herself. She stared at her fingers and nodded. “I’m two months along.” She looked at her mother. “Not how you hoped I’d turn out, right?”
“Nothing is how I hoped.” Her mom shook her head and then slowly, like water from a breaking pipe, she began to cry. She covered her face with her hands. “I’m sorry, baby girl.” Her words were hard to understand through her tears. “I’m so sorry.” She held her hand out. “Please . . . can you come sit by me?”
The distance between them felt good. Her mama didn’t deserve to sit near her. She was the one who did drugs and got sent to prison for most of Lexy’s childhood. She leaned her head back, defiance in her heart. “I wouldn’t be like this if you’d been here!” Tears filled her voice before they leaked into her eyes. “You didn’t love me enough to be a good mama!”
“I did love you.” Her mother’s crying was softer now, more painful. “I never wanted the drugs. I’m an addict, baby girl. I couldn’t help it.”
She could help it. If she loved me enough, she would’ve stayed clean. The response shouted at her on the inside. But on the outside, Lexy didn’t say anything. She put her hand over her flat stomach, over the place where her own little baby was growing.
And for a moment she imagined keeping this child, and how nothing could ever get in the way of her love for her baby. She lifted her eyes to her mother and gradually Lexy saw things differently. At some point her mom must’ve loved her like this, the way Lexy loved the baby inside her.
Lexy felt her defenses falling like broken glass, dropping in sharp invisible pieces at her feet. Her mother hadn’t moved, hadn’t taken her hands from her face. But Lexy was seeing a different picture from the one in front of her. Her mama standing next to her before her first day of kindergarten. All of life ahead of them.
She would probably never be close to her mother again, not the way she had felt that long-ago school day. But Lexy wasn’t the only one who had suffered. They had both lost. They had missed out on the mother-daughter talks and times together that other little girls and their mothers got to have. She didn’t want to lose any more time.
“Mama . . .” Lexy stood and took a step toward her.
Her mother lowered her hands and blinked a few times, her eyes red and swollen. “I’m sorry.” Her mom’s voice was just a whisper. “I’ve been sorry every day I’ve been away.” Her face was so sad and lost, it hurt to look at her. She stood and faced Lexy. “I don’t know what else to say.”
Like a wave crashing on the ocean shore, Lexy’s heart broke. She could do nothing to stop herself from rushing into her mother’s arms. “Mama!” Lexy clung to her as if she might die if she let go. “I needed you, Mama. I needed you every day.” She held on, her voice choked up. “I missed you so much.”
Her mother hugged her tight. She kissed the top of Lexy’s head the way mamas are supposed to do. “I missed you, too. Every day, baby.”
There was no going back, no way to live again the days they’d lost. And yes, Lexy would be a different girl if she’d had her mom. But this was what they had. It was who they were. If she stayed angry at her mama now, then they’d lose this, too. And Lexy couldn’t stand the thought of that.
Lexy noticed that Sami had left the room, which was good. For the first time in a long time she wanted to be alone with her mother. They sat next to each other on the sofa and her mom reached for her. Like when she was very little, Lexy reached out and tucked her hand into her mother’s. The feeling was better than Christmas.
She had her mama again. Lexy leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder. “Sometimes I want to keep this baby.” She paused. “But I won’t. I’m giving it up for adoption.” She turned slightly and looked into her mom’s eyes. “I’m not ready to be a mama.”
Her mother brushed the hair from Lexy’s eyes. “I understand.” She looked sad again, but she nodded. “It’s the right thing to do.” The look in her eyes changed. “I need to tell you something, baby.”
Her mother drew back a bit and looked at her hands for a few seconds. When she looked at Lexy again, her eyes seemed nervous. Her voice, too. “I’m working on a
plan for you.”
“For me?” Lexy had no idea what her mom meant. “I’m good, Mama. I’m here with Sami . . . away from the gang.”
Her mother looked around the apartment living room. “It’s real nice here, Lexy. I can see that.” She waited. “But Sami’s getting married. And your other friend—Mary Catherine—she’s sick.”
Lexy felt uneasy. The sickness from the pregnancy seemed worse all of a sudden. “I like it here.”
“I know.” Her mom took hold of both her hands. “Just listen to me, okay?”
So much of her life she hadn’t had a mother’s advice, a mother’s kind words. Lexy pushed her fears to the back of her mind. “Okay.”
“All right.” Her mom looked like she was holding her breath. “So there was this janitor in prison. The one who helped me write that letter to you. Aspyn. That was her name.” Her mom relaxed a little and, a few lines at a time, the story spilled out.
Aspyn had come to visit her again—she didn’t work at the prison all the time. Just once in a while. “This time Aspyn wanted to talk about you.”
Lexy listened, trying to be patient.
“She asked me if I had a plan for you, a place for you to live so you didn’t have to be near the gangs in LA. A way for you to go to college and find a different life.” Her mom looked almost dizzy. “So many questions. And I didn’t have answers for any of them.”
Her mother explained how that’s when Aspyn mentioned Lexy’s uncle in Texas. “I still got no idea how Aspyn knew I had a brother.” She thought for a minute and then focused her attention on Lexy again. “But I do. Your uncle.”
Lexy blinked a few times. Then she remembered. “Grandma talks about him sometimes. Her son. The one who escaped the drugs and gangs.”
“Yes.” Again her mom looked sad. “He’s married. Two older kids in college. He and his wife are good people. Christian people.”
Where is this going? Lexy released her mom’s hands and folded her arms. “The janitor lady knew about him?”
“Yes.” Her mom looked confused. “Maybe I told her about him and I just forgot.”
Lexy wanted her mom to get to the point. “So why did the janitor bring him up?”
“She asked me if I ever wrote back to my brother.” Another sad look came into her mom’s eyes. “Your uncle wrote me every month or so. One of the girls always helped me read his letters. But I never . . . I never asked anyone to help me write him back.” She looked at her hands again. “What could I say? I was in prison.”
Of course. Lexy understood.
“Aspyn said maybe my brother would be willing to take you.” Hope flickered in her mother’s voice. “Maybe your uncle could give you a new start.”
“In Texas?” Lexy wanted to run out the door and keep running. “I don’t want to go to Texas, Mama. I like living here.”
A few seconds passed and Lexy’s mother didn’t say anything. Finally she took a slow breath. “Aspyn, the janitor, helped me write to him and ask.” She paused. “I haven’t heard back.”
“Good.” Lexy didn’t know what to think. Her mom had no right trying to send her off to Texas. After so many years apart, how could her mother know what Lexy needed? “I told you, I like living here.”
Her mom nodded. “Maybe we should pray about it. You and me both. Then God can show us what we’re supposed to do.”
Lexy hated the idea. She didn’t want to pray about leaving her new life here, and she certainly didn’t want to live halfway across the country in Texas. But every day since she’d moved in with Sami, the two of them had read the Bible together. One thing that stood out was this—God wanted people to be humble. The reason Lexy had gotten pregnant was because she was running her own life. The Bible said when people gave up their old ways and let God run their lives instead, good things would happen.
She gritted her teeth and tried to hear what God might say. Sometimes He actually seemed to talk to her. And just like that she could hear His voice in her soul. I love you, daughter . . . I have good plans for you. Trust me.
Lexy looked at her mother and tried not to feel scared or angry. “Okay. I’ll pray about it. But as long as my . . . as long as your brother doesn’t write back I guess we have the answer.”
They sat in quiet and this time Lexy reached for her mom’s hand. She couldn’t be angry at her mother for trying to help her. The uncle in Texas obviously didn’t want anything to do with Lexy or her mom. There was no reason to wreck the time with her mom over this. “Sorry for getting mad.”
“I understand.” Her mom looked deep at her. “I’m sorry about you being pregnant.”
Lexy nodded. “Me, too. I’ll never know her. Or him.” Her eyes stung because of the sadness. She would miss her first child, and her mom would miss her first grandchild. She put one of her hands over her stomach again.
The missing would last forever.
Sami popped back into the living room. “I’m going to make dinner.”
“We’ll help.” Lexy stood and helped her mom to her feet. Then in a voice just for her mother, Lexy whispered, “Thank you. For coming here.” She leaned up and kissed her mom’s cheek. “For saying you’re sorry.”
Her mom dried her eyes again. “Thank you.” She kissed Lexy’s cheek. “For letting me. All I want is to be your mama again.”
They worked with Sami and made chicken salad with tiny pieces of grapes and strawberries and almonds. Sami washed the spinach, spread the dried leaves on three plates, and topped them off with a scoop of the chicken mixture.
The air between Lexy and her mama felt lighter now. Just making dinner together and talking about the beach and Sami’s upcoming wedding and Mary Catherine.
Like normal daughters and mamas.
They sat at the table with their salads and Lexy’s mother smiled at Sami. “You’re teaching my girl about health.” She pointed her fork at the salad. “This is the best kind of food. God’s food.”
“It is.” Sami smiled. “We eat too much sugar in this country. My friend Mary Catherine taught me that.”
“It’s true.” Lexy’s mom shook her head. “That’s one thing I’m looking forward to. Eating better.” She put her hand on Lexy’s shoulder. “So I can live long enough to be a better mother to this girl.”
Sami prayed over the meal, and the subject turned to Mary Catherine. Lexy still wanted to go see her at the hospital. But it was too soon. Lexy turned to Sami. “Is she any better today?”
“She is. Tyler and I were just there at the hospital. The surgery is tomorrow. They had to wait a day to be sure her fever was gone.” Sami looked a little worried. “It’s a serious operation.”
“You told her? About me living here?” Lexy felt sick again. She pushed her fork around her salad.
“I did.” Sami’s eyes were soft and kind.
“So she’s mad at me?” She hated that Mary Catherine knew how bad she’d messed up. She never should’ve gone back to the gang. “I mean, of course she’s mad. I messed up bad.” She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear what came next.
“Mary Catherine’s not mad.” Sami stopped eating long enough to look right at Lexy. “She’s sorry for you. But she can’t wait to see you after the surgery.”
Lexy could’ve cried. Mary Catherine wanted to see her. It was the best news ever. She cleared her throat. “You’ll be there tomorrow, right?”
“I will.” Sami poured them each a glass of water.
Lexy took a deep breath. “Tell her I can’t wait to see her, too.” She stared at her plate. Thank You, God. Please help Mary Catherine get through her operation. When they were finished eating and doing the dishes, Sami checked the time on her phone. She looked at Lexy’s mom. “I need to get you back home.”
Her mother nodded. She turned to Lexy. “I got something to say.”
Lexy came closer. “Okay.”
Her mom took hold of both her hands. “I used to dream about a day like this.” Her voice was quiet. “Today . . . was the best day of my life.
”
Lexy smiled. “For me, too.” She slid her arms around her mom’s neck and they held each other for a long time. Then she walked her mother to the door. “I’ll pray about the Texas thing.”
“Thanks.”
Lexy could tell they were both sad, she and her mama. They’d missed so much time together. The losses were still there—no matter how well they’d gotten along for the last hour. But today was something neither of them had expected, and Lexy could only credit God and Sami for bringing it about.
A new beginning.
22
THE LAST FACE SHE SAW before the anesthesia took her was that of her beloved Marcus. He held her hand and stood beside her bed until the last possible moment.
“You’ll be okay. I believe that.” He bent down and kissed her lips, soft and brief. A team of surgeons and medical personnel stood by, ready for the operation. After today she would have a man-made heart with a dozen serious restrictions.
But she would be alive.
Marcus hadn’t left her side for the last two days, while doctors pumped her full of antibiotics and made sure her body was free of infection. Now, in her waning moments before surgery, she savored the feel of Marcus’s hand around hers. She felt safe and sure and full of life around him. God, please . . . give me more days with this man. Give us a life together. Please, Father. She looked up at Marcus, at his warm, caring brown eyes.
Of all their many goodbyes, this one was the hardest.
“I’m not afraid.” She spoke straight to his eyes, to his soul. “Ask everyone to pray.”
“I will. You know that.” He remembered something. “The Waynes told me to tell you they have their whole church praying.”
Mary Catherine nodded slightly. “Good.”
“Yes.” It didn’t matter how many people were waiting for this moment to wrap up. Marcus looked at her as if she were the only person in the room. “I love you.”