“Yes, on that we most certainly agree,” Schmidty said. “Speaking of which, would you care for a touch-up before entering the tent, Madame?”
“Dear man. Of course I would like a full reapplication of all makeup. This is the big comeback I have been waiting for. That burglar just may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Madame; it’s been quite some time since your last real pageant. The ones we held in the ballroom with you and the cats don’t count.”
“Oh, don’t be such a ninny! I’m a born winner. The spotlight has always loved me.”
And with that, the students stared as a nearly blind old man reapplied thick layers of pink eye shadow that perfectly coordinated with Mrs. Wellington’s fluffy tutu. While clearly weak in the vision department, Schmidty was extremely quick. Why, he reapplied the makeup in under five minutes. Of course, speed and precision have very little to do with each other.
As Mrs. Wellington and company approached the tent, many crazy noises and scents took them by surprise. Not only was there the requisite odor of eyelash glue and hair spray in the air, there was also a rather pungent eucalyptus smell. As for the sounds, there were bells ringing and whistles blowing. It was all very much as one would expect at an actual circus.
Theo took a few deep breaths before shaking his head in disappointment. “I was kind of expecting perfume and baby powder, not… what is that?”
“The smell of denture cream and hearing aids,” Lulu remarked drily. “These are Mrs. Wellington’s peers, after all.”
“This is probably going to scar me,” Garrison muttered to Madeleine. “I may never be able to look at my grandma the same way again.”
“Highly probable,” Madeleine agreed, while continuing to flail her arms about. “I don’t mean to be pushy, Mrs. Wellington, as I know you haven’t been part of a pageant in ages, but I am more than ready to get out of the great outdoors and away from its many creepy-crawly creatures. I’m rather certain I can hear insect wings flapping and spiders’ pads sticking right this second…”
Mrs. Wellington completely ignored Madeleine while once again straightening out her tutu and running her hands over her wig.
“Contestants, before we enter, I must, as your teacher, prepare you for the wide range of emotions you will be confronted with. Some of you may feel jealous or envious while watching me in my full glory, with the crowd cheering loudly, perhaps even chanting my name. Please make mental notes of said experience, since I would love to hear about it on the car ride home as well as every day for the rest of my life. Others may go into absolute shock, stunned by the sight of so many gorgeous women in one place. No need to make mental notes about anyone else’s beauty, though.” Mrs. Wellington smiled largely while pulling back the tent’s flap.
The group was greeted by a scrawny woman with long noodlelike arms. Rather surprisingly, she was dressed in a red top hat, thick black veil, corseted dress, and a belt of bells. It certainly wasn’t the traditional pink dress with rhinestones they were expecting from a pageant woman.
“Welcome. I’m Finca, the master of ceremonies,” the top-hat woman said in a gravelly voice. “Is this your first time?”
“I won’t even dignify that with a response.”
“Very well,” Finca said as she walked, bells jingling, toward another tent flap.
She pulled back the thick red-and-white plastic drape and motioned for the group to enter. Mrs. Wellington placed her right hand on her hip and led Schmidty, Macaroni, and the children into the tent.
The instant they entered, they stopped, mouths agape. This was not what they were expecting.
CHAPTER 17
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Wiccaphobia is the fear of witches or witchcraft.
The tent bustled with people and animals pushing to and fro as the students remained paralyzed in shock. The sound of bells, whistles, and barking filled the densely crowded space. But most notably, the people were dressed as dogs and the dogs dressed as people. Grown men and women walked around with face paint, furry ears, and plastic snouts while their dogs wore lipstick, wigs, and a variety of outfits.
“It’s a beauty pageant for dogs!” Mrs. Wellington expounded enthusiastically as she pointed to a sparkly sign that read THE PAGEANT OF POOCHES!
“Madame, you look a tad manic. Is everything all right?”
“Old man, this is it! This is where I belong. These are my people,” Mrs. Wellington said as she surveyed her surroundings.
Awash in euphoria, Mrs. Wellington literally skipped into the adjoining room, which housed a large circular stage. French bulldogs costumed in tall white wigs and corseted dresses proudly pranced around the stage. This was the height of French fashion circa the late 1700s, only worn by dogs.
Schmidty, Macaroni, and the children crowded around Mrs. Wellington in an attempt to get the old woman’s attention.
“Excuse me,” Madeleine said firmly as she tapped on Mrs. Wellington’s arm. “We must stay focused! Mrs. Wellington, the fate of the school depends on your finding this burglar.”
“But there are dogs in wigs,” Mrs. Wellington mumbled as if under a spell.
“That doesn’t matter! We need to find this burglar. Don’t you realize that if you lose the school, we lose any chance of getting better?” Madeleine pleaded. “Look at me! I am wearing a shower cap in public! Clearly, there is much work to be done!”
“Dogs… wigs… dresses… earrings… lipstick…” Mrs. Wellington uttered inarticulately, all the while never taking her eyes off the stage.
“Maddie’s right,” Garrison said. “Whoever is behind this has the power to ruin the school and us. I don’t want to spend my life as a pretend surfer. I don’t want my whole identity to be based on a lie, you know?”
“I know how you feel; I’m getting pretty tired of all the fake trips to the bathroom when I go out with my family,” Lulu admitted. “School of Fear is the only thing that’s ever helped me. Hypnosis, therapy, bribery… nothing else has worked.”
“I hate to admit it, but it’s only a matter of time before my brothers and sisters catch me spying on them… and then they’ll pelt me with pickled eggs from the Korean deli… and I don’t even like eggs… and frankly, I’m more than a little tired of worrying about them twenty-four–seven. If this keeps up I’ll need Botox by high school,” Theo said dramatically as he shook his head.
“Celery says this is better than Oprah. Besties having emotional breakthroughs! It’s bonding at its finest,” Hyacinth said proudly.
“And now it’s been ruined,” Lulu snapped at her.
“With Mrs. Wellington in her current state,” Madeleine said as she looked at the elderly woman pushing through the crowd with Macaroni on her shoulders, “finding the burglar falls to us. We must move quickly and efficiently, so I suggest we break up into groups and do our best to find this burglar. Seeing as this person has intimate knowledge of the school, I wouldn’t be surprised if they found us. Plus, we are rather conspicuous, being the only people not dressed as canines.”
“I’ll go with Maddie, since Theo and Garrison seem rather attached to Hyacinth,” Lulu said with a smirk.
“Oh my gosh! Celery and I are going on a double friend date with Theo and Garrison!”
“Celery better not be my date,” Theo huffed. “This isn’t the first time someone has tried to set me up with a ferret.”
“Schmidty, are you all right on your own?”
“Of course, Miss Madeleine,” Schmidty said honestly. “Working for Madame has prepared me to handle almost anything pageant-related.”
Ahead of the group was a literal maze of rooms. Unsure where to start, Garrison decided to go with the closest. The young boy pulled on Hyacinth, who in turn pulled on Theo, and with that the train of kids and one ferret was off. Past barrels, hay bushels, and under a twinkling arch the three did go, never once looking back to see which direction their friends had gone.
> The next room was vastly more crowded, causing enormous navigational problems for the three. While Garrison, Hyacinth, and Theo were pushed and batted by humans and dogs alike, the audience erupted in a chorus of oohs and ahhs.
“I can’t see the stage. What’s happening?” Garrison asked Hyacinth and Theo.
“My guess is a dog making a sandwich, or maybe some sort of pasta dish. Yes, a dog cooking show! Why hasn’t someone thought of this before? It’s genius!”
“Celery doesn’t think that is even remotely possible. Actually, Celery never agrees with anything you say, Theo.”
“Well, isn’t that charming—a judgmental ferret,” Theo said gruffly as the crowd erupted in a storm of clapping.
“For all we know, Mrs. Wellington is up there applying makeup to Macaroni,” Garrison said as he scanned the crowd for anyone suspicious. This was no simple feat; after all, the crowd did consist of eccentrics dressed as canines.
“Celery thinks that sounds more likely than the dog cooking show,” Hyacinth said smugly.
Theo gave Celery a distasteful look. He was fed up with the rodent’s insults. After all, he hadn’t even mentioned that the ferret had crooked yellow teeth and a nail situation almost as questionable as Schmidty’s.
Garrison led the threesome to the edge of the room, where they pushed and prodded their way along the tent’s walls. After more than a few bumps and bruises, they were able to catch a glimpse of the stage. A nimble-footed golden retriever pranced from side to side, tossing a long white bone in the air, only to catch it seconds later. The dog was costumed in a small red-and-gold cap that reminded Theo of a bellhop’s, with red bands around each paw. It really was rather spectacular how much the dog could accomplish while the bone was up in the air, and then manage to catch it. There was simply no denying it; this dog was exceptionally talented. He could roll over, walk on his hind legs, and leap like a ballerina, all before catching the bone from a seated position.
For a moment Theo, Hyacinth, and Garrison were entirely absorbed by the show and completely forgot the task at hand. It wasn’t until Finca appeared that they were reminded of their purpose. The woman’s belt of bells jangled as she shuffled across the stage, her octopus arms dangling by her side.
“Barclay the Bone Baton Boy,” Finca said in a raspy voice. “A talented dog if I do say so myself. And now for the next contestant—Pierre the Pug!”
“OK, we need to keep moving,” Garrison whispered. “We have a lot of ground to cover.”
“Fine,” Theo lamented, “although I am a little curious about this pug.”
With a quick shake of the head, Garrison continued leading Hyacinth and Theo through the crowd, often getting pushed and kicked along the way. Just as the threesome neared the perimeter of the large mass of people, Pierre released a high-pitched howl that frightened Celery. The small ferret’s gray fur stood on end as her beady little eyes raced around the room. Clearly in an extreme state of panic, the ferret leapt from Hyacinth’s shoulder and instantly disappeared into the swarm of people.
“Celery!” Hyacinth screamed, causing a murmur to run through the crowd. “Don’t leave me! You’re my number one bestie! Please!”
On her hands and knees, the petite girl dove after Celery. As Hyacinth crawled at warp speed, calling the ferret’s name incessantly, people attempted to hush her for Pierre’s sake, but she simply couldn’t be stopped. By now Theo and Garrison had completely lost sight of the girl in the dense crowd and could hear her voice only faintly over the cheers and hollers of the pageant. Both boys massaged their hands as they looked at each other, unsure what to do next.
In a nearby room Madeleine and Lulu moved stealthily through the crowd, scanning each person carefully. If it hadn’t been such a serious situation, Lulu would have quite enjoyed playing detective for the afternoon. After all, she had always fancied the notion of a career in the intelligence field.
“I simply don’t understand why the people are dressed as dogs,” Madeleine whispered to Lulu as the two scoured the room with their eyes. “The pageant is for the dogs, not the people.”
“They’re probably humiliated that this is their idea of a good time. Think about it. What kinds of people enjoy dressing their dogs in formal wear?”
“Formal wear?” Madeleine asked, prompting Lulu to nod her head toward the back of the tent. On a small stage in the corner, under a red-lettered banner proclaiming DACHSHUND DIVAS, were three dogs in wigs, lipstick, and multiple pearl necklaces.
“You know the sick thing? I bet those are real pearls,” Lulu said as she continued through the room.
Poor Schmidty really shouldn’t have been left on his own, as his vision in the faint lighting was quite diminished. It had taken him an entire ten minutes to realize that the man looking at him was actually his own shadow.
Following the shadow incident, Schmidty headed into the next room, bumping into quite a few men, women, and dogs along the way. He had never been very fond of crowds, but the current situation made him even more nervous. The scene was far too chaotic for the burglar to be able to find them. In addition, Schmidty worried about what sort of burglar would choose such a location for a meeting. He had watched enough films to know that this should have taken place in a deserted parking garage or a dark alley.
Oh, the whole thing was simply ludicrous, Schmidty thought as he shimmied toward a stage filled with miniature pinschers. Schmidty had never been fond of min pins, as they are known. Their bossy nature reminded him far too much of Mrs. Wellington.
As the min pins’ martial marching came to a close, Finca stepped onto the stage and began assessing each of the dogs. The strange woman’s spindly arms were so long that she could pet the dogs from a standing position.
“Based on form, fierceness, and fur, I declare Charles the winner,” Finca proclaimed hoarsely. “And remember, in a few short minutes, Bulldog Ballerinas will begin in the main tent.”
If ever a lightbulb were to appear above Schmidty’s head, it would most certainly have happened now. If this burglar knew as much about Madame as Schmidty believed, there would be no better place to find him.
CHAPTER 18
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Xanthophobia is the fear of the color yellow.
Theo and Garrison had stood still without uttering a word for over three minutes. On the edge of a bustling crowd of people and dogs, the two boys looked at each other, unsure what to do next.
“Hyacinth didn’t want us to follow her, did she?” Garrison asked, pretending not to know the unbelievably obvious answer to his question.
“I doubt it,” Theo played along. “I actually think Celery wanted some alone time with Hyacinth and that’s why she ran off. It would have been rude if we had gone after them, kind of like crashing a date.”
“Totally. Plus, she wouldn’t want us to forget about Mrs. Wellington and the burglar. I mean, someone needs to stay on track, right?”
“Right,” Theo agreed as he continued to massage his hand. “Now, what do you think the likelihood is of finding a snack cart or food court in here?”
“Theo, has anyone ever checked to make sure you don’t have a worm in your stomach?”
“Tons of times,” Theo responded casually. “I’d say a minimum of twice a year.”
Garrison trailed Theo into the next room, all the while wondering if it were possible for this chubby boy ever to feel full. Fortunately, Lulu and Madeleine entered the main tent at the same time the boys did. As the girls were the only other noncostumed people, they were rather easy to spot.
“Where’s Hyacinth?” Lulu blurted out as the boys approached.
“Um, she and Celery wanted some alone time to catch up, or something like that. You know ferrets; they are so secretive,” Theo explained.
“Yeah, right,” Lulu said with a laugh. “I’ve got to hand it to you, Theo. I didn’t think you had it in you to ditch the little bugger.”
“There was no ditching, Lulu. Don’t try to besm
irch my good name!”
“That sounds like a line you stole from a movie.”
“That doesn’t make it any less true.”
“All right, enough,” Madeleine said firmly. “Did either of you see anything suspicious? Or perhaps Mrs. Wellington and Macaroni?”
“Nope,” Garrison responded.
“I think the burglar will most likely approach only Mrs. Wellington, so we ought to locate her, then keep a very keen eye on her.”
“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem,” Lulu said as she pointed to the main stage, where Finca stood beneath a BALLERINA BULLDOGS sign.
“Hello, everyone. As most of you already know, I am Finca, master of ceremonies, and it is my great honor to announce Ballerina Bulldogs, my favorite event of the night.”
As the woman spoke, Madeleine spotted Schmidty across the stage, squinting at the crowd. While the old man could clearly not see them, Madeleine was grateful to have located at least one of the missing members of the party.
“This is just wrong—those dogs are humiliated,” Garrison said as owners led their tutu-clad English bulldogs onstage.
“What kind of name is Finca?” Theo asked no one in particular. “It has a real star quality to it, kind of like Cher or Madonna. I could definitely see myself naming my daughter that.”
“You are worse than Hyacinth, talking about your kids. Um, wake-up call? You haven’t even hit puberty,” Lulu said, rolling her eyes.
“Well, you don’t have to rub it in. And why are you mentioning Hyacinth? Just to torment me? The guilt is suffocating me!”
“Look! There she is,” Madeleine whispered to the others. “In the name of the Queen, what has Mrs. Wellington done to herself?”
“Wow, that is intense,” Garrison said, averting his eyes in embarrassment.
“It’s just not pretty,” Lulu stated honestly.
“For either of them,” Theo said, shaking his head.