112 By someone who found it appropriate to snap her gum for six straight hours, and my God, do you know how hard it was not to smack the Dentyne right out of her?
113 Bless their hearts.
114 See? I’m stealing made-up words from The Simpsons again.
115 Calgon?
116 Yeah, I bought more than one donut.
117 Strangely, my publicist does not consider canceled interviews “miraculous.”
118 To get the full effect, he’d really need to smell them. You may think creatures who spend their lives in water wouldn’t stink so much. You’d be wrong.
119 Bet they’ve never heard that before.
120 Or spend time with my brother.
121 Serving coffee, maybe. But not tea.
122 Laugh if you want, but ANTM Cycle Eleven is all about petite models. Old and fat is coming, mark my words.
123 One of the other donuts I got was covered in Froot Loops. It was good, but it was no maple-bacon bar.
124 I remember laughing at ANTM’s Norelle in Cycle Three when she said how she expected the food in Asia to be like what you’d find at Panda Express. It’s not so funny now.
125 FYI, this is also why I’m not having children.
126 And now I’m never going to be America’s Next Top Model.
127 Now I don’t have to face the shame of her Google-Mapping my coordinates.
128 But FAIL. Massive fail.
129 I think.
130 Suddenly I have a lot more compassion for all those terrible shots of Britney’s weave. It’d be impossible to take care of all that hair and two kids, y’all.
131 Because it bears repeating, Nevada needs a coastline!
132 And possibly a little dirty.
133 Seriously, does she not need to write a memoir about this?
134 Read: drunk on California Coolers.
135 You ladies who tailgated at my Atlanta event? You come in a very close second.
136 When Stacey invited me to join her crime family, I named myself the Lacoste Accoster.
137 Want to know more? Buy Bitter Is the New Black, available at fine booksellers everywhere.
138 You’d be surprised how fast a crackhead with a shopping cart can move when properly motivated.
139 Which shaves off the ten-year benefit I get from the frigging extensions. I can’t win.
140 And orange soda to a nice, citrus-y sauvignon blanc.
141 Even her scars are sexy.
142 Read: safe.
143 Is there anything Wikipedia can’t tell us? I mean, if you’re somewhat flexible on accuracy?
144 Yay!
145 In somewhat related news, the house took almost three years to sell.
146 Suck on that, PETA.
147 Driving While Ingesting.
148 I’m the biggest sucker in the world for palm trees.
149 I haven’t seen a Viking helmet yet!
150 First I need to get a ball gown.
151 Then I need to get funky little binoculars.
152 Sure they let you bring drinks into the opera, right?
153 Or made the actual drink.
154 Perhaps if Match.com had been around when I was single, I’d have already known this.
155 And yes, this makes me a tiny bit nostalgic for the old house.
156 Yeah, you read that right. Stapled.
157 Memoir! Memoir! Memoir!
158 LOVE!
159 She told me where to find the argyle socks for the cover of Pretty in Plaid!
160 At least not out loud.
161 During which I made a note to schedule an angioplasty.
162 They like puns. Which are funny, when they don’t reference the size of my backyard.
163 Somehow every stray cat on the South Side finds its way to Gina’s yard. Maybe because she’s yet to not rehome them?
164 And yes, I was paying for school myself at the time and living at home. Don’t get me started.
165 Amish puppy mill? Yes, please!
166 And WAY longer then the life expectancy of most of the Lancaster dogs.
167 And yes, I overtipped. I’m a pathological overtipper. It’s one of my few saving graces.
168 AKA Upstairs Cat.
169 Emotional blackmail—I plays it.
170 Come on, it’s the perfect name for a one-eyed cat. And if we ever get a three-legged dog, we’re naming him Tripod.
171 Thundercat One was named Angus once his swelling went down enough to determine his sex.
172 Read: old money.
173 It’s from Target, but it’s totally adorable.
174 A lot of women have their actual handbags up by the pool. I find this very odd.
175 Screw up one sorority rush and it stays with you for the rest of your life.
176 And why would you carry it to the pool? This still has me scratching my head. The lockers here seem quite secure.
177 And bitter.
178 And bitter.
179 Really, they should advertise the floor show in the membership brochure.
180 Next up? Orwell, lots and lots of Orwell.
181 P.S. I kind of miss Winona Ryder. Come back!
182 Seriously, cover your mouth. Were you raised in a barn?
183 James Dean is so the original Robert Pattinson.
184 Jackass.
185 And the pigeon.
186 Yes, courtesy of a late-night Ambien shopping spree.
187 And replaced in 1997.
188 Martha Stewart’s book on cupcakes, I’ll be back for you!
189 See, Stacey? I totally pay attention to you.
190 I wonder if that’s its selling point?
191 Make a panini out of this cheese, adding a slice of Granny Smith apple and some Dijon mustard. You’ll totally thank me.
192 To think I did all that surreptitious cheese-wiping for nothing.
193 One Ambien-induced night I tiptoed down to the kitchen and melted cheese, toasted bread, and coated the whole thing in sanding sugar. I dubbed it “swavery” because it was both sweet and savory. And it was delicious! (I think.)
194 Which also makes me giggle.
195 The “sweat” is actually expressed oil.
196 Deeply yellowed because it’s aged five years.
197 Or most of my family.
198 Oh, come on. Every marriage can use a little mystery, right?
199 I vaguely recall swallowing the wax from time to time. This is probably why I can’t do long division.
200 I can’t bring myself to drink anything with a n-i-p-p-l-e on it. This is why I almost drown every time I get a bottle of Evian Sport water. I tend to aim it at my mouth and then squeeze too hard, and it hits my throat like a garden hose.
201 DO NOT BASH THE OLIVE GARDEN.
202 Bite me, Wikipedia. And don’t tell him I was wrong.
203 Or maybe a Rice Krispie.
204 Damn! Should have gotten the twenty-course dinner!
205 Cooking, not stabbing.
206 Thanks to delicious German wine and parents on the other side of the earth.
207 Probably mostly French fries.
208 Except for the bread. The bread was spectacular there, as it is here.
209 That’s what she said! Argh! I did it again!
210 Heh.
211 See: Flavored vodka, flights of.
212 Once on January 21, 1986, she said three mean things before lunch, and it was so out of character, we all marked the event on our calendars.
213 Seriously, my team is not without compassion. And we’re not all out hunting moose or bombing abortion clinics, either.
214 Coincidentally, both entailed a distinct lack of effort on my part.
215 I had talent. Algae scrubbing is a skill, yo.
216 If you want something to complain about, children, then try doing data entry for nine hours a day.
217 Possibly to understand the plight of herpes and poor choices?
218 These authors are dead. They don’t
need my dollar.
219 Fletch made me take my car in for detailing at the shop across from my usual B&N as I accidentally spilled a whole container of kebabs in there. He said my car smelled like Afghanistan.
220 Feel free to insert a “Jen continues to be a philistine” footnote here; it’s justified.
221 This last bit sounds better if you say it in a Scarlett O’Hara accent.
222 And yes, I know she won a Pulitzer. But I’ve been in People magazine. Twice. Suck on that, Eudora Welty.
223 Get it? You(dora)? Like Eudora? Get it? Yeah, well, fine. SHE wasn’t funny, either.
224 Or possibly the result of having watched a Cribs rerun earlier in the day.
225 This is where a certain fancy book-prize winner would take four pages to describe all the shades and would never, ever get to the Real World conversation.
226 I’m hoping it’s just the extensions.
227 To me, at least.
228 Italy, maybe?
229 Owned by Ralph Lauren’s daughter.
230 Even if they did come in plus sizes.
231 Yet I appreciate living in a country where the ability to disagree with your government is an inalienable right. So there’s that.
232 Mostly to smoke, but it’s still nice.
233 And that one episode of The Simpsons.
234 Mostly because there’s a cupcake on the cover.
235 My friend Heather used to work with Howard Dean, and she says he has an amazing sense of humor. But I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.
236 I have a splash-proof cover, which makes it fine for the beach and pool, but not for the bathtub.
237 I have love for the Mill House Inn.
238 By Bret Easton Ellis.
239 Also Bret Easton Ellis.
240 Because he did.
241 Except when Fletch snuck off to smoke.
242 Again, despite having checked it on both Google Earth and Google Street View.
243 Had Baldwin been wearing a belt, that is.
Jen Lancaster, My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict's Attempt to Discover
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