Zeke was quiet a moment as he pondered the fable. His forehead was furrowed in concentration, and Jillian waited patiently. Of all the children, Zeke was the cleverest at isolating the moral. “I have it!” he exclaimed. “I shouldna hesitate. I should grab things boldly. If you’re undecided, things may sting you.”
“Whatever you do, Zeke,” Jillian counseled, “do it with all your might.”
“Like learning to ride,” he concluded.
“Yes. And loving your mama and working with the horses and studying lessons I give you. If you don’t do things with all your might, you may end up being harmed by those things you try halfway.”
Zeke gave a disgruntled snort. “Well, it’s not the Berserker, but I guess it’s all right, from a girl.”
Jillian made an exasperated sound and hugged Zeke close, heedless of his impatient squirm. “I’m losing you already, aren’t I, Zeke?” she asked when the boy raced from the solar in search of Grimm. “How many lads will grow up on me?” she murmured sadly.
Jillian checked on Quinn and Ramsay before dinner. The two men were sleeping soundly, exhausted by the return trip to Caithness. She hadn’t seen Grimm since their return; he’d settled the patients and stalked off. He’d been silent the entire journey and, stung by his withdrawal, she had retreated to the wagon and ridden with the sick men.
Both Quinn and Ramsay still had an unhealthy pallor, and their clammy skin was evidence of the fever’s tenacious grip. She pressed a gentle kiss to Quinn’s brow and tucked the woolens beneath his chin.
As she left their chambers, her mind slipped back in time to the summer when she’d been nearly sixteen—the summer Grimm left Caithness.
Nothing in her life had prepared Jillian for such a gruesome battle. Neither death nor brutality had visited her sheltered life before, but on that day both came stampeding in on great black chargers wearing the colors of the McKane.
The moment the guards had sounded the alarm her father had barricaded her in her bedroom. Jillian watched the bloody massacre unfolding in the ward below her window with disbelieving eyes. She was besieged by helplessness, frustrated by her inability to fight beside her brothers. But she knew, even had she been free to run the estate, she wasn’t strong enough to wield a sword. What harm could she, a mere lass, hope to wreak upon hardened warriors like the McKane?
The sight of so much blood terrified her. When a crafty McKane crept up behind Edmund, taking him unawares, she screamed and pounded her fists against the window, but what meager noise she managed to make could not compete with the raucous din of battle. The burly McKane crushed her brother to the ground with the flat of his battle-ax.
Jillian flattened herself against the glass, clawing hysterically at the pane with her nails as if she might break through and snatch him from danger. A deep shuddering breath of relief burst from her lungs when Grimm burst into the fray, dispatching the snarling McKane before Edmund suffered another brutal blow. As she watched her wounded brother struggle to crawl to his knees, something deep within her altered so swiftly that she scarce was aware of it: the blood no longer horrified Jillian—nay, she longed to see every last drop of McKane blood spilled upon Caithness’s soil. When a raging Grimm proceeded to slay every McKane within fifty yards, it seemed to her a thing of terrible beauty. She’d never seen a man move with such incredible speed and lethal grace—warring to protect all that was nearest to her heart.
After the battle Jillian was lost in the shuffle as her family fretted over Edmund, tended the wounded, and buried the dead. Feeling dreadfully young and vulnerable, she waited on the rooftop for Grimm to respond to her note, only to glimpse him toting his packs toward the stable.
She was stunned. He couldn’t leave. Not now! Not when she was so confused and frightened by all that had transpired. She needed him now more than ever.
Jillian raced to the stables as swiftly as her feet could carry her. But Grimm was obdurate; he bid her an icy farewell and turned to leave. His failure to comfort her was the final slight she could endure—she flung herself into his arms, demanding with her body that he shelter her and keep her safe.
The kiss that began as an innocent press of lips swiftly became the confirmation of her most secret dreams: Grimm Roderick was the man she would marry.
As her heart filled with elation, he pulled away from her and turned abruptly to his horse, as if their kiss had meant nothing to him. Jillian was shamed and bewildered by his rejection, and the frightening intensity of so many new emotions filled her with desperation.
“You can’t leave! Not after that!” she cried.
“I must leave,” he growled. “And that”—he wiped his mouth furiously—“should never have happened!”
“But it did! And what if you don’t come back, Grimm? What if I never see you again?”
“That’s precisely what I mean to do,” he said fiercely. “You’re not even sixteen. You’ll find a husband. You’ll have a bright future.”
“I’ve already found my husband!” Jillian wailed. “You kissed me!”
“A kiss is not a pledge of marriage!” he snarled. “And it was a mistake. I never should have done it, but you threw yourself at me. What else did you expect me to do?”
“Y-you didn’t want to k-kiss me?” Her eyes darkened with pain.
“I’m a man, Jillian. When a woman throws herself at me, I’m as human as the next!”
“You mean you didn’t feel it too?” she gasped.
“Feel what?” he snorted. “Lust? Of course. You’re a bonny lass.”
Jillian shook her head, mortified. Could she have been so mistaken? Could it truly have been only in her mind? “No, I mean—didn’t you feel like the world was a perfect place and … and we were meant to be …” She trailed off, feeling like the grandest fool.
“Forget about me, Jillian St. Clair. Grow up, marry a handsome laird, and forget about me,” Grimm said stonily. With one swift move he tossed himself on the horse’s back and sped from the stables.
“Don’t leave me, Grimm Roderick! Don’t leave me like this! I love you!”
But he rode off as if she hadn’t spoken. Jillian knew that he’d heard her every word, though she wished he hadn’t. She’d not only flung her body at a man who didn’t want her, she’d flung her heart after him as he left.
Jillian sighed heavily and closed her eyes. It was a bitter memory, but the sting had eased somewhat since Durrkesh. She no longer believed she had been mistaken about how the kiss had affected them, for in Durrkesh the same thing had happened and she’d seen in his eyes with a woman’s sure knowledge that he’d felt it too.
Now all she had to do was get him to admit it.
CHAPTER 15
AFTER SEARCHING FOR OVER AN HOUR, JILLIAN TRACKED Grimm down in the armory. He was standing near a low wooden table, examining several blades, but she could tell he sensed her presence by the stiffening of his back.
“When I was seventeen, I was near Edinburgh,” Jillian informed his rigid back. “I thought I glimpsed you while I was visiting the Hammonds.”
“Yes,” Grimm replied, intently inspecting a hammered shield.
“It was you! I knew it!” Jillian exclaimed. “You were standing near the gatehouse. You were watching me and you looked … unhappy.”
“Yes,” he admitted tightly.
Jillian gazed at Grimm’s broad back a moment, uncertain how to vocalize her feelings. It might have helped immensely if she’d understood herself what she wanted to say, but she didn’t. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because he turned and brushed past her with a cool expression that dared her to humble herself by following him.
She didn’t.
She found him later, in the kitchen, scooping a handful of sugar into his pocket.
“For Occam,” he said defensively.
“The night I went to the Glannises’ ball near Edinburgh,” Jillian continued the conversation where, in her mind, it had recently ended, “it was you in the shadows, wasn’t it? The fall
I turned eighteen.”
Grimm sighed heavily. She’d found him yet again. The lass seemed to have a way of knowing where he was, when, and if he was alone. He eyed her with resignation. “Yes,” he replied evenly. That’s the fall you became a woman, Jillian. You were wearing ruby velvet. Your hair was uncurled and cascading over your shoulders. Your brothers were so proud of you. I was stunned.
“When that rogue Alastair—and do you know, I came to find out later he was married—took me outside and kissed me, I heard a dreadful racket in the bushes. He said it was likely a ferocious animal.”
“And then he told how grateful you should be that you had him to protect you, right?” Grimm mocked. I almost killed the bastard for touching you.
“That’s not funny. I was truly frightened.”
“Were you really, Jillian?” Grimm regarded her levelly. “By which? The man holding you, or the beast in the bush?”
Jillian met his gaze and licked her lips, which were suddenly dry. “Not the beast. Alastair was a blackguard, and had he not been discomfited by the noise, the saints only know what he might have done to me. I was young and, God, I was so innocent!”
“Yes.”
“Quinn asked me to marry him today,” she announced, watching him carefully.
Grimm was silent.
“I haven’t kissed him yet, so I don’t know if he’s a better kisser. Do you suppose he will be? Better than you, I mean?”
Grimm did not reply.
“Grimm? Will he be a better kisser than you?”
A low rumble filled the air. “Yes, Jillian.” Grimm sighed, and went off to find his horse.
Grimm managed to elude her for almost an entire day. It was late at night before she finally managed to intercept him as he was leaving the ill men’s chambers.
“You know, even when I wasn’t sure you were really there, I still felt … safe. Because you might be there.”
The hint of an approving smile curved his lips. “Yes, Jillian.”
Jillian turned away.
“Jillian?”
She froze.
“Have you kissed Quinn yet?”
“No, Grimm.”
“Oh. Well, you’d better get on it, lass.”
Jillian scowled.
“I saw you at the Royal Bazaar.”
Finally Jillian had succeeded in getting him all to herself for more than a few forced moments. With Quinn and Ramsay confined to bed, she’d asked Grimm to join her for dinner in the Greathall and had been astonished when he’d readily consented. She sat on one side of the long table, peering at his darkly handsome face through the vines of a candelabrum that held dozens of flickering tapers. They’d been dining in silence, broken only by the clatter of plates and goblets. The maids had retreated to deliver broth to the men upstairs. Three days had passed since they’d returned, during which she’d tried desperately to recapture the tenderness she’d glimpsed in Durrkesh, to no avail. She hadn’t been able to get him to stand still long enough to try for another kiss.
Nothing in his face moved. Not a lash flickered. “Yes.”
If he answered her with one more annoyingly evasive “yes,” she might fly into a rage. She wanted answers. She wanted to know what really went on inside Grimm’s head, inside his heart. She wanted to know if the single kiss they’d shared had tilted his world with the same catastrophic force that had leveled hers. “You were spying on me,” Jillian accused, peeping through the candles with a scowl. “I wasn’t being truthful when I said it made me feel safe. It made me angry,” she lied.
Grimm picked up a pewter goblet of wine, drained it, and carefully rolled the cold metal between his palms. Jillian watched his precise, controlled motion and was overwhelmed with hatred for all deliberate actions. Her life had been lived that way, one cautious, precise choice after another, with the exception of when she was around Grimm. She wanted to see him act like she felt: out of control, emotional. Let him have an outburst or two. She didn’t want kisses offered on the weak excuse of saving her from bad choices. She needed to know she could get beneath his skin the way he penetrated hers. Her hands fisted in her lap, scrunching the fabric of her gown between her fingers.
What would he do if she quit trying to be civil and collected?
She drew a deep breath. “Why did you keep watching me? Why did you leave Caithness, only to follow me all those times?” she demanded with more vehemence than she’d intended, and her words echoed off the stone walls.
Grimm didn’t take his eyes from the polished pewter between his palms. “I had to see that all was well with you, Jillian,” he said quietly. “Have you kissed Quinn yet?”
“You never breathed a word to me! You’d just come and look at me, and then I’d turn around and you’d be gone.”
“I took a vow to keep you from harm, Jillian. It was only natural that I should check on you when you were nearby. Have you kissed Quinn yet?” he demanded.
“Keep me from harm?” Her voice soared with disbelief. “You failed! You hurt me worse than anything else ever has in my entire life!”
“Have you kissed Quinn yet?” he roared.
“No! I haven’t kissed Quinn yet!” she shouted back. “Is that all you care about? You don’t give a damn that you hurt me.”
The goblet clattered to the floor as Grimm lunged to his feet. His hands came down with unbridled fury. Trenchers flew from the table, untouched pottage stew showered the room, chunks of flatbread bounced off the hearth. The candelabrum exploded into the wall and stuck like a cleft foot between the stones. Soapy white candles rained down upon the floor. His rampage didn’t stop until the table between them had been swept clean. He paused, panting, his hands splayed wide on the edge of the table, his eyes feverishly bright. Jillian stared at him, stunned.
With a howl of rage, he crashed his hands into the center of six inches of solid oak, and Jillian’s hand flew to her throat to smother a cry when the long table split down the middle. His blue eyes blazed incandescently, and she could have sworn he seemed to be growing larger, broader, and more dangerous. She’d certainly gotten the reaction she’d been seeking, and more.
“I know I failed!” he roared. “I know I hurt you! Do you think I haven’t had to live with that knowledge?”
Between them, the table creaked and shuddered in an effort to remain whole. The wounded slab tilted precariously. Then, with a groan of defeat, the ends slumped toward the center and it crashed to the floor.
Jillian blinked as she surveyed the wreckage of their meal. No longer seeking to provoke him, she stood dumbfounded by the intensity of his reaction. He knew he’d hurt her? And he cared enough to get this angry at the memory?
“Then why did you come back now?” she whispered. “You could have disobeyed my da.”
“I had to see that all is well with you, Jillian,” he whispered back across the sea of destruction that separated them.
“I’m well, Grimm,” she said carefully. “That means you can go away now,” she said, not meaning a breath of it.
Her words evoked no response.
How could a man stand so still that she might think he had been cursed to stone? She couldn’t even see his chest rise and fall as she watched him. The breeze blowing in the tall window didn’t ruffle him. Nothing touched the man.
God knows she’d never been able to. Hadn’t she learned that by now? She’d never been able to reach the real Grimm, the one she’d known that first summer. Why had she believed anything might have changed? Because she was a woman grown? Because she had full breasts and shiny hair and she thought she could entice him near with a man’s weakness for a woman? And since he was so damned indifferent to her, why did she even want him?
But Jillian knew the answer to that, even if she didn’t understand the how of it. When she’d been a wee lass and tipped her head back to see the wild boy towering above her, her heart had cried welcome. There had been an ancient knowing in her child’s breast that had clearly told her no matter what heinous th
ings Grimm stood accused of, she could trust him with her life. She knew he was supposed to belong to her.
“Why don’t you just cooperate?” Frustration peeled the words from her lips; she couldn’t believe she’d spoken them aloud, but once they were out, she was committed.
“What?”
“Cooperate,” she encouraged. “It means to go along. To be obliging.”
Grimm stared. “I canna oblige you by leaving. Your da—”
“I am not asking you to leave,” she said gently.
Jillian had no idea where she drew her courage from at that moment; she knew only that she was tired of wanting, and tired of being denied. So she stood proudly, moving her body exactly the way it felt whenever Grimm was in the same room: seductive, intense, more alive than at any other time in her life. Her body language must have signified her intent, for he went rigid.
“How would you have me cooperate, Jillian?” he asked in a flat, dead voice.
She approached him, carefully picking her way over broken platters and food. Slowly, as if he were a wild animal, she reached her hand, palm out, toward his chest. He stared at it with a mixture of fascination and mistrust as she placed it upon his chest, over his heart. She felt the heat of him through his linen shirt, felt his body shudder, felt the powerful beating of his heart beneath her palm.
She tilted her head back and gazed up at him. “If you’d truly like to cooperate”—she wet her lips—“kiss me.”
It was with a furious gaze that he watched her, but in his eyes Jillian glimpsed the heat he struggled to hide.
“Kiss me,” she whispered, never taking her eyes from his. “Kiss me and then try to tell me that you don’t feel it too.”