CHAPTER IX
We was jogging along one afternoon not fur from a good-sized town at thetop of Ohio, right on the lake, when we run acrost some remainders ofa busted circus riding in a stake and chain wagon. They was twofellers--both jugglers, acrobats, and tumblers--and a balloon. Thecircus had busted without paying them nothing but promises fur monthsand months, and they had took the team and wagon and balloon byattachment, they said. They was carting her from the little burg theshow busted in to that good-sized town on the lake. They would sell theteam and wagon there and get money enough to put an advertisement inthe Billboard, which is like a Bible to them showmen, that they had aballoon to sell and was at liberty.
One of them was the slimmest, lightest-footed, quickest feller you everseen, with a big nose and dark complected, and his name was Tobias. Theother was heavier and blonde complected. His name was Dobbs, he said,and they was the Blanchet Brothers. Doctor Kirby and them got real wellacquainted in about three minutes. We drove on ahead and got into thetown first.
The doctor says that balloon is jest wasted on them fellers. They can'tgo up in her, not knowing that trade, but still they ought to be someway fur them to make a little stake out of it before it was sold.
The next evening we run acrost them fellers on the street, and they wasfeeling purty blue. They hadn't been able to sell that team and wagon,which it was eating its meals reg'lar in a livery stable, and they hadbeen doing stunts in the street that day and passing around the hat, butnot getting enough fur to pay expenses.
"Where's the balloon?" asts the doctor. And I seen he was sicking hisintellects onto the job of making her pay.
"In the livery stable with the wagon," they tells him.
He says he is going to figger out a way to help them boys. They is likeall circus performers, he says--they jest knows their own acts, andtalks about 'em all the time, and studies up ways to make 'em better,and has got no more idea of business outside of that than a rabbit. Weall went to the livery stable and overhauled that balloon. It was anawful job, too. But they wasn't a rip in her, and the parachute was jestas good as new.
"There's no reason why we can't give a show of our own," says DoctorKirby, "with you boys and Danny and me and that balloon. What we wantis a lot with a high board fence around it, like a baseball grounds,and the chance to tap a gas main." He says he'll be willing to take achancet on it, even paying the gas company real money to fill her up.
What the Doctor didn't know about starting shows wasn't worth knowing.He had even went in for the real drama in his younger days now and then.
"One of my theatrical productions came very near succeeding, too," hesays.
It was a play he says, in which the hero falls in love with a pair ofSiamese twins and commits suicide because he can't make a choice betweenthem.
"We played it as comedy in the big towns and tragedy in the littleones," he says. "But like a fool I booked it for two weeks ofmiddle-sized towns and it broke us."
The next day he finds a lot that will do jest fine. It has been used fura school playgrounds, but the school has been moved and the old buildingis to be tore down. He hired the place cheap. And he goes and talks thegas company into giving him credit to fill that balloon. Which I keptwondering what was the use of filling her, fur none of the four ofus had ever went up in one. And when I seen the handbills he had hadprinted I wondered all the more. They read as follers:
Kirby's Komedy Kompany and Open Air Circus
Presenting a Peerless Personnel of Artistic Attractions
Greatest in the Galaxy of Gaiety, is
Hartley L. Kirby
Monologuist and minstrel, dancer and vaudevillian in his terpsichoreantravesties, buoyant burlesques, inimitable imitations, screamingimpersonations, refined comedy sketches and popular song hits of theday.
The Blanchet Brothers
Daring, Dazzling, Danger-Loving, Death-Defying Demons
Joyous jugglers, acrobatic artists, constrictorial contortionists,exquisite equilibrists, in their marvellous, mysterious, unparalleledperformances.
Umslopogus The Patagonian Chieftain
The lowest type of human intellect
This formerly ferocious fiend has so far succumbed to the softer wilesof civilization that he is no longer a cannibal, and it is now safe toput him on exhibition. But to prevent accidents he is heavily manacled,and the public is warned not to come too near.
Balloon! Balloon!! Balloon!!!
The management also presents the balloon of
Prof. Alonzo Ackerman The Famous Aeronaut
in which he has made his
Wonderful Ascension and Parachute Drop
many times, reaching remarkable altitudes
Balloon! Balloon!! Balloon!!!
Saturday, 3 P. M. Old Vandegrift School Lot
Admission 50 Cents
Well, fur a writer he certainly laid over Looey, Doctor Kirby did--morecheerful-like, you might say. I seen right off I was to be thePatagonian Chieftain. I was getting more and more of an actor rightalong--first an Injun, then a wild Borneo, and now a Patagonian.
"But who is this Alonzo Ackerman?" I asts him.
"Celebrated balloonist," says he, "and the man that invented parachutes.They eat out of his hand."
"Where is he?" asts I.
"How should I know?" he says.
"How is he going up, then?" I asts.
The doctor chuckles and says it is a good bill, a better bill than hethought; that it is getting in its work already. He says to me to readit careful and see if it says Alonzo Ackerman is going up. Well, itdon't. But any one would of thought so the first look. I reckon thatbill was some of a liar herself, not lying outright, but jest hinting alie. They is a lot of mean, stingy-souled kind of people wouldn't neverlie to help a friend, but Doctor Kirby wasn't one of 'em.
"But," I says, "when that crowd finds out Alonzo ain't going up theywill be purty mad."
"Oh," says he, "I don't think so. The American public are a good-naturedset of chuckle-heads, mostly. If they get sore I'll talk 'em out of it."
If he had any faults at all--and mind you, I ain't saying Doctor Kirbyhad any--the one he had hardest was the belief he could talk any crowdinto any notion, or out of it, either. And he loved to do it jest furthe fun of it. He'd rather have the feeling he was doing that than themoney any day. He was powerful vain about that gab of his'n, DoctorKirby was.
The four of us took around about five thousand bills. The doctor saysthey is nothing like giving yourself a chancet. And Saturday morning wegot the balloon filled up so she showed handsome, tugging away there ather ropes. But we had a dern mean time with that balloon, too.
The doctor says if we have good luck there may be as many as three, fourhundred people.
But Jerusalem! They was two, three times that many. By the time theshow started I reckon they was nigh a thousand there. The doctor andthe Blanchet Brothers was tickled. When they quit coming fast the doctorleft the gate and made a little speech, telling all about the wonderfulshow, and the great expense it was to get it together, and all that.
They was a rope stretched between the crowd and us. Back of that was theBlanchet Brothers' wagon and our wagon, and our little tent. I was jestinside the tent with chains on. Back of everything else was the balloon.
Well, the doctor he done a lot of songs and things as advertised. Thenthe Blanchet Brothers done some of their acts. They was really fineacts, too. Then come some more of Doctor Kirby's refined comedy, asadvertised. Next, more Blanchet. Then a lecture about me by the doctor.All in all it takes up about an hour and a half. Then the doctor makesa mighty nice little talk, and wishes them all good afternoon, thankingthem fur their kind intentions and liberal patronage, one and all.
"But when will the balloon go up?" asts half a dozen at oncet.
"The balloon?" asts Doctor Kirby, surprised.
"Balloon! Balloon!" yells a kid. And the hull crowd took it up andyelled: "Balloon! Balloon! B
alloon!" And they crowded up closte to thatrope.
Doctor Kirby has been getting off the wagon, but he gets back on her,and stretches his arms wide, and motions of 'em all to come close.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he says, "please to gather near--up here,good people--and listen! Listen to what I have to say--harken to theutterings of my voice! There has been a misunderstanding here! There hasbeen a misconstruction! There has been, ladies and gentlemen, a woefullack of comprehension here!"
It looked to me like they was beginning to understand more than he meantthem to. I was wondering how it would all come out, but he never losthis nerve.
"Listen," he says, very earnest, "listen to me. Somehow the idea seemsto have gone forth that there would be a balloon ascension here thisafternoon. How, I do not know, for what we advertised, ladies andgentlemen, was that the balloon used by Prof. Alonzo Ackerman, theillustrious aeronaut, would be UPON EXHIBITION. And there she is, ladiesand gentlemen, there she is, for every eye to see and gladden with thesight of--right before you, ladies and gentlemen--the balloon of AlonzoAckerman, the wonderful voyager of the air, exactly as represented.During their long career Kirby and Company have never deceived thepublic. Others may, but Kirby and Company are like Caesar's wife--Kirbyand Company are above suspicion. It is the province of Kirby's KomedyKompany, ladies and gentlemen, to spread the glad tidings of innocentamusement throughout the length and breadth of this fair land of ours.And there she is before you, the balloon as advertised, the gallant shipof the air in which the illustrious Ackerman made so many voyages beforehe sailed at last into the Great Beyond! You can see her, ladies andgentlemen, straining at her cords, anxious to mount into the heavensand be gone! It is an education in itself, ladies and gentlemen, a moraleducation, and well worth coming miles to see. Think of it--think ofit--the Ackerman balloon--and then think that the illustrious Ackermanhimself--he was my personal friend, ladies and gentlemen, and a truefriend sticketh closer than a brother--the illustrious Ackerman is dead.The balloon, ladies and gentlemen, is there, but Ackerman is gone to hisreward. Look at that balloon, ladies and gentlemen, and tell me if youcan, why should the spirit of mortals be proud? For the man that rodeher like a master and tamed her like she was a dove lies cold and deadin a western graveyard, ladies and gentlemen, and she is here, a uselessand an idle vanity without the mind that made her go!"
Well, he went on and he told a funny story about Alonzo, which I don'tbelieve they ever was no Alonzo Ackerman, and a lot of 'em laughed;and he told a pitiful story, and they got sollum agin, and then anotherfunny story. Well, he had 'em listening, and purty soon most of thecrowd is feeling in a good humour toward him, and one feller yells out:
"Go it--you're a hull show yourself!" And some joshes him, but theydon't seem to be no trouble in the air. When they all look to be in agood humour he holds up a bill and asts how many has them. Many has. Hesays that is well, and then he starts to telling another story. Butin the middle of the story that hull dern crowd is took with a fit oflaughing. They has looked at the bill closet, and seen they is sold, andis taking it good-natured. And still shouting and laughing most of thembegins to start along off. And I thought all chancet of trouble was overwith. But it wasn't.
Fur they is always a natcheral born kicker everywhere, and they was onehere, too.
He was a lean feller with a sticking out jaw, and one of his eyes was ina kind of a black pocket, and he was jest natcherally laying it off toabout a dozen fellers that was in a little knot around him.
The doctor sees the main part of the crowd going and climbs down off'nthe wagon. As he does so that hull bunch of about a dozen moves in underthe rope, and some more that was going out seen it, and stopped and comeback.
"Perfessor," says the man with the patch over his eye to Doctor Kirby,"you say this man Ackerman is dead?"
"Yes," says the doctor, eying him over, "he's dead."
"How did he die?" asts the feller.
"He died hard, I understand," says the doctor, careless-like.
"Fell out of his balloon?"
"Yes."
"This aeronaut trade is a dangerous trade, I hear," says the feller withthe patch on his eye.
"They say so," says Doctor Kirby, easy-like.
"Was you ever an aeronaut yourself?" asts the feller.
"No," says the doctor.
"Never been up in a balloon?"
"No."
"Well, you're going up in one this afternoon!"
"What do you mean?" asts Doctor Kirby.
"We've come out to see a balloon ascension--and we're going to see it,too."
And with that the hull crowd made a rush at the doctor.
Well, I been in fights before that, and I been in fights since then. ButI never been in no harder one. The doctor and the two Blanchet brothersand me managed to get backed up agin the fence in a row when the rushcome. I guess I done my share, and I guess the Blanchet brothers donetheirn, too. But they was too many of 'em for us--too dern many. Itwouldn't of ended as quick as it did if Doctor Kirby hadn't gone cleancrazy. His back was to the fence, and he cleaned out everything in frontof him, and then he give a wild roar jest like a bull and rushed thathull gang--twenty men, they was--with his head down. He caught twofellers, one in each hand, and he cracked their heads together, and hecaught two more, and done the same. But he orter never took his backaway from that fence. The hull gang closed in on him, and down he wentat the bottom of a pile. I was awful busy myself, but I seen that pilemoving and churning. Then I made a big mistake myself. I kicked a fellerin the stomach, and another feller caught my leg, and down I went. Fura half a minute I never knowed nothing. And when I come to I was allmashed about the face, and two fellers was sitting on me.
The crowd was tying Doctor Kirby to that parachute. They straddledlegs over the parachute bar, and tied his feet below it. He was stillfighting, but they was too many fur him. They left his arms untied, butthey held 'em, and then--
Then they cut her loose. She went up like she was shot from a gun, andas she did Doctor Kirby took a grip on a feller's arm that hadn't letloose quick enough and lifted him plumb off'n the ground. He slewedaround on the trapeze bar with the feller's weight, and slipped headdownward. And as he slipped he give that feller a swing and let looseof him, and then ketched himself by the crook of one knee. The fellerturned over twicet in the air and landed in a little crumpled-up pile onthe ground, and never made a sound.
The fellers that had holt of me forgot me and stood up, and I stood uptoo, and looked. The balloon was rising fast. Doctor Kirby was trying topull himself up to the trapeze bar, twisting and squirming and havinga hard time of it, and shooting higher every second. I reckoned hecouldn't fall complete, fur where his feet was tied would likely holdeven if his knee come straight--but he would die mebby with his headfilling up with blood. But finally he made a squirm and raised himself alot and grabbed the rope at one side of the bar. And then he reached andgot the rope on the other side, and set straddle of her. And jest as hedone that the wind ketched the balloon good and hard, and she turned outtoward Lake Erie. It was too late fur him to pull the rope that sets theparachute loose then, and drop onto the land.
I rushed out of that schoolhouse yard and down the street toward thelake front, and run, stumbling along and looking up. She was gettingsmaller every minute. And with my head in the air looking up I wasrunning plumb to the edge of the water before I knowed it.
She was away out over the lake now, and awful high, and going fastbefore the wind, and the doctor was only a speck. And as I stared atthat speck away up in the sky I thought this was a mean world to livein. Fur there was the only real friend I ever had, and no way fur me tohelp him. He had learnt me to read, and bought me good clothes, and mademe know they was things in the world worth travelling around to see, andmade me feel like I was something more than jest Old Hank Walters's dog.And I guessed he would be drownded and I would never see him agin now.And all of a sudden something busted loose inside of me, and I sunkdown there at the
edge of the water, sick at my stomach, and weak andshivering.