Daniel left a voice mail for Selena and told her he’d be unavailable for meetings for a couple of days. He made it plain to Paige that he was going to stay with them for the next little while. He’d make himself comfortable on her sofa, but he wanted to be close by in case Jason needed to be taken to the hospital. He also planned to be the liaison with the Karlsen Center about Jason’s condition.
Paige didn’t argue. Truth be told, she was relieved. Having Daniel there was a comfort. She didn’t want to think about how much she was coming to rely on him. Her fierce need for independence after she was free of Mark’s controlling ways seemed to have diminished in the last few months. All that mattered was Jason and doing everything she could—they could—for him.
The go or no-go deadline for surgery was Thursday, just three days away. If Jason didn’t get an all-clear by noon on Thursday, the hospital would cancel his surgery and reallocate the slot to another patient. It might have sounded callous, but operating-room time was at a premium, and there were other patients who could be scheduled for life-saving surgery.
Mrs. Bennett dropped by with homemade chicken soup. Chelsea brought down her laptop and played a couple of games with Jason. When he got tired, she simply left the computer with him to use when he was up to it. She even loaded a couple of movies for him to watch.
Mr. Weatherly stopped in and asked if he could have a friend join him. “I imagine everyone knows by now anyway,” he said awkwardly. He and Laura brought Jason a miniature replica of his buttercup-yellow 1965 Mustang. In addition, he gave Jason one of his prized bonsai trees, which Jason had always been fascinated by. He explained that the little tree, no taller than five inches, was actually about the same age as Jason.
Daniel brought sketch pads, pastels and paints, and a small easel specifically designed to be used in a bed.
Through it all, Paige made Jason some of his favorite meals, the ones that would be easiest on his tummy, and did all she could to keep his spirits up.
Wednesday evening, he still wasn’t feeling appreciably better. All their neighbors visited at some point during the evening. As upbeat as everyone tried to be, there was a general sense of gloom that was hard to mask.
Long after Jason fell asleep, Paige sat on the sofa, leaning against Daniel, his arm protectively around her shoulder. They were on their second movie, both black-and-white classics from the fifties, but neither of them was paying much attention. Paige dozed periodically. When she could no longer keep her eyes open, Daniel insisted she to go to bed. It was past two in the morning, and she’d need her strength later, regardless of what the day would bring.
“I can’t. I just can’t sleep. There’s so much that keeps circling around in my mind.”
Daniel kissed her forehead. “I can imagine. But you need sleep. Now go.”
She finally obliged, falling into a fitful sleep around three o’clock.
In the middle of a troubling nightmare, she felt something brush her face and swatted at it. When she felt it again, it roused her. Utterly exhausted, she slowly opened her eyes.
Jason stood beside her bed, one arm cuddling his teddy, the other resting beside her face on her pillow.
She bolted upright and reached for Jason. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, Mom. I was thirsty. I wanted to tell you, I think I’m feeling better. I’m hungry, too.”
That was the best sign of all. Paige drew Jason into her arms. “Oh, sweetie. I’m so glad.” She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, glanced at her bedside clock. It was well past her customary wake-up time of six in the morning. “Let’s go take your temperature, okay? Then I’ll make you some breakfast.”
He nodded. She put on her bathrobe and they went to the kitchen.
Daniel had again slept on the sofa. He was already up and in the bathroom, and she couldn’t wait to share the great news with him.
Jason’s fever had, indeed, broken. His eyes were clear, his color good and his throat no longer irritated. Just to be certain, they drove Jason to the clinic, and the doctor they’d seen on their previous visit gave them the all-clear.
Daniel not only called the hospital but, to ensure there was no mix-up, he also had Selena prepare a letter and fax it to the Karlsen Center’s administrator. The confirmation came back almost immediately. Jason’s surgery would proceed as scheduled.
*
JASON’S SURGERY WAS four days away. With the passing of each day, Paige became more and more jittery. She tried to put on a brave face for Jason, but there was no denying that she was progressively more anxious about what would come.
Was she doing the right thing? Had she made the right decision and picked the right hospital? There were so many variables. So many things that could go wrong.
Just thinking about them all was driving her to the verge of panic.
Jason had to be okay. He just had to be.
How could she live without him? How could she go on?
Jason had to make it through the surgery, and he had to make it through whole and free of cancer. Life couldn’t be so cruel as to take her son away from her.
Restlessly pacing her bedroom, she stopped in front of her dresser mirror and stared at her own reflection. Her eyes looked huge in her pale face. They were red rimmed from lack of sleep. She could see the frown lines between her eyebrows and at the sides of her mouth. When had those appeared? Her hair was without its characteristic luster and in need of a wash.
What was happening to her? She couldn’t fall apart. She had to keep it together for Jason’s sake.
She pushed her hair away from her face. A brilliant flash drew her eye to her left hand. Her engagement ring had caught and refracted the light.
She lowered her hand and stared at the ring. She backed up slowly until she bumped into her mattress and lowered herself onto the bed.
The ring was beautiful—stunning, really. She’d never asked, because it wasn’t important to her, but it had to be at least a carat. She adjusted it with the thumb and forefinger of her other hand to center it on her ring finger. They were getting married the day after tomorrow.
The panic rose again, threatening to choke her.
What was she thinking? Daniel would make a wonderful husband and father. She knew that without a doubt. She loved him and so did Jason. But how could she marry him? And now?
Her priority was Jason. No question. Daniel understood that.
But what if the unthinkable happened? What if the surgery wasn’t successful? If she lost Jason? She knew she’d die inside. She wouldn’t be a fit wife for Daniel. And if Jason survived the surgery but there were consequences—those horrible, unimaginable risks the doctors kept reminding her about? She’d spend the rest of her life taking care of Jason. Again, what kind of wife would she be then?
She twisted the ring again and watched the diamonds sparkle. “Oh, no. Oh, no, what am I doing?”
She felt a stab of pain in her chest. It built and built until it brought tears to her eyes. She drew up her knees, hugged them to her, rested her forehead against them.
She couldn’t go through with the wedding. She shouldn’t be preoccupied with it when her entire focus had to be Jason right now. And it wasn’t fair to Daniel. She had no idea what the future held, and she could offer him no guarantees of happily ever after.
Throwing her head back, she stared up at the ceiling.
And what about her? Hadn’t she once thought she’d have a happily-ever-after with Mark? She wouldn’t have married him otherwise. Mark had left her and left Jason because he couldn’t deal with Jason’s illness.
Her eyes darted around the room, and her breath came fast and shallow.
What about Daniel? He’d already proven he didn’t deal with personal conflict all that well, hadn’t he? What would happen when they argued? What if it was about something really important? Something to do with Jason? Would he just shut down? Or would he, like Mark—and the guy she’d dated briefly—walk out on her? She didn’t want to think
about a third strike.
That insistent little voice in her head said she shouldn’t compare Daniel with Mark, but she couldn’t help it. She hadn’t realized that the fear was still lurking in the dark corners of her mind, along with all her other worries. It wasn’t the primary consideration behind her decision, but it was a factor.
Tears flowed down her face, and her chest was so tight she could barely breathe, but she pulled the ring off her finger.
She rose on unsteady legs and walked back to her dresser. Opening the top drawer, she took out the little gold velvet box and nestled the ring back in its slot. She bit her lip as she closed the lid and replaced the box.
She nearly went back to bed but she couldn’t. She had to think of Jason, and be strong.
She also had to figure out how to break the news to Daniel...and to Jason.
She didn’t want to hurt Daniel, especially after everything he’d done for her and Jason. She’d understand if he didn’t want to have anything to do with her once she told him, but she’d be so grateful if they could at least remain friends. Just the thought of not seeing him again caused the pain in her chest to sear through the rest of her body, bringing more tears to her eyes.
No longer having him in her life, just when she’d come to rely on him so much, was unimaginable. No, she wouldn’t consider that a possibility. She’d find a way to tell him, a way that didn’t upset him, and they’d be able to remain friends.
“Yeah, right,” she murmured. Who was she kidding? Daniel had been very understanding, but she knew this would test him. She knew he’d be upset, but she couldn’t imagine going through with the wedding at a time like this, with Jason’s future—and hers—so uncertain. Not to mention the persistent fear that he, too, would leave her.
Daniel would understand. He had to. And if he didn’t...there was nothing she could do about that. Jason was her priority.
It would be just as hard telling Jason. Daniel meant so much to him.
Paige’s resolve wavered. The last thing she wanted to do was distress Jason, especially so close to his surgery. But she had to think long-term, not just about tomorrow or the day after.
Jason would be disappointed, but he’d have to understand her decision, too.
*
DANIEL TOOK PAIGE in his arms and dropped a light kiss on her lips when he arrived that evening. “How was your day?”
“Hard.”
He glanced around the apartment. “Where’s Jason?”
“With Mrs. Bennett.”
He drew back and searched her face, looked deep into her eyes. He was about to ask her if she was all ready for their wedding, but her expression caused him to hold back. He felt a wave of apprehension. He knew that now was not the time to get into any sort of confrontation with her. Whatever she needed, he loved her, and he was here to provide it.
Paige led Daniel into the living room, sat next to him on the sofa and lifted her face to his. Her eyes were clouded but earnest. “There’s something I need to say, and I don’t think you’re going to like it.” She continued to meet his eyes. “I...I love you, Daniel. Please know that.”
“I do. I love you, too. You’re my world. You and Jason.” As calm as he sounded, the wave turned into a torrent. “Can’t we just leave it at that?” he asked, hoping to forestall the “but” he knew was coming.
Her eyes were huge, her face chalk white. “I...I can’t go through with the wedding. Not right now.” She was shaking visibly as she reached for his hand and placed the velvet box in his palm, curling his fingers over it.
It was impossible. She was backing out of their wedding? He wanted to disagree, to argue, to yell. But looking at her, seeing how completely broken and defeated she was, he didn’t have the heart. Regardless of the hurt and disappointment he was feeling, he didn’t have it in him to add to her pain, sorrow and worry.
“Okay.” He could hardly believe that he’d managed to get a word past the constriction in his throat. “If that’s what you want. I can’t force you to marry me. But I think you’re making a big mistake. Whatever happens won’t change that I love you and want you.” He realized he must appear remarkably calm, but she couldn’t know that his heart was shattered and an intense anger was brewing—not at her but at fate—threating to overtake the hurt and anxiety.
“You can’t say that,” she cried out. “Things change. People change. I’ve already experienced it.”
His eyes were hard, his lips compressed into a straight line before he spoke, softly, emphatically. “So, that’s what this is about? You still think I’ll desert you like your ex did?”
Paige shook her head. “No! That’s not it.” She wanted to take his hands in hers, slip into his arms and have him hold her until the hurt subsided. But she knew she had no right. Not any longer. She didn’t sound convincing to her own ears, and with everything else to consider, she couldn’t lie to him. “At least not all of it,” and she tried to explain her reasons. She couldn’t read his face, his body language, but a little twitch in his left eye made her realize how tense he must be. She raised her hands, let them fall back on her lap. “I’m sorry, Daniel. I don’t know what else to say.”
He rose and fiddled with the small velvet box before shoving it in his pocket. “I’m sorry, too. No, you don’t need to see me out,” he added when she moved to rise as well. “I can find the way.”
Paige was relieved to stay where she was. She was terrified her legs would buckle if she tried to stand.
Daniel retrieved his jacket from the closet. His hand on the doorknob, he turned back to Paige. “I understand what you’ve said, but I want to be there for Jason’s surgery. I still want to take you, and I want to be there.”
Her mouth opened, but before she could say anything, he continued.
“I’ll let you do what you want, but don’t argue with me on this. I need to be there. You know I love Jason, too. I will pick you up Monday as planned and take you to the Karlsen Center.” He opened the door and pulled it shut behind him. She’d expected him to slam it, but somehow that unflappable control of his as he walked out the door just added to the intensity of her pain.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
PAIGE AND DANIEL had very little contact over the following days. Just enough to confirm that Daniel was taking them to the Karlsen Center and would be picking them up at home.
She had to inform her parents and friends that the wedding had been called off. Hardest of all was explaining it to Jason. As she’d expected, he was distraught. Paige knew how important it was to keep up his spirits for surgery, and she did everything she could to lift his mood, without success.
The day of the surgery, Paige opened the door to Daniel. “You’re early,” she said. “Hours early.” She’d just awakened, and she was dressed in black yoga pants and a blue T-shirt. Paige ran her hand self-consciously through her sleep-tousled hair. She knew she was a mess.
“I am. Yes.” In contrast, Daniel was impeccably dressed, as always. He wore a gray sweater over a white button-down shirt and indigo jeans. Just looking at him made her heart ache. “May I come in?”
“Sure.” Paige stepped aside so he could enter. “Would you like some coffee?” She was astonished by how calm she was being, when her heart had broken into a million small fragments.
“No, thanks. I’m okay for now.” He glanced toward the bedroom where Jason was still sleeping. “Why don’t you get yourself a cup of coffee and sit down with me? I have something I’d like to discuss with you.”
Not knowing what else to do, she did as he asked.
Soon they were both seated on the sofa. Paige had her hands wrapped around her coffee mug.
“Remember our first dinner, at Pietro’s?”
Paige drew her brows together, not because she didn’t remember—how could she forget that magical evening?—but because she had no idea where the conversation would lead. Hesitantly, she nodded.
“Okay.” A small smile played across Daniel’s lips. “That’s good. Then
you might remember that one of the things I said I admired about you was your positive attitude. Your unwavering optimism.”
She recalled that she’d laughed it off at the time. Her brows knit more tightly together. “Uh-huh.”
“I’m counting on that optimism right now. Jason’s going to have the surgery, and he is going to be perfectly fine and free of cancer. Do you believe that like I do?”
She was squeezing her mug so tightly, her knuckles were turning white. “Daniel, where are you going with this?”
He waved her objection away with one hand. “Just humor me. Yes or no?”
“Of course. I have to believe that.”
“Fine. Next, consider your parents. How long have they been married?”
“What?” She wasn’t following him. What did her parents’ marriage have to do with Jason’s cancer?
“Just humor me,” he repeated. “How long?”
“Nearly fifty years now.”
“And they’ve had some notable hardships, but they’re still together and still in love.”
“Yes, but—”
“No buts. Not yet, at least. Being the eternal optimist and knowing, knowing—” he emphasized the word “—that Jason will be fine, and that everlasting love is possible...” Daniel paused, she presumed to give her a chance to object. She remained silent.
“Believing those two things, what possible reason could you have for not marrying me?”
Paige covered her forehead with the palm of one hand and exhaled. “You don’t want to discuss this today of all days, do you?”
“Yes. Today is the day to discuss this.”
Paige smacked her mug down on the table. “You can’t be serious!”
Daniel reached for her hands and folded them in his own. He only held them more tightly when she tried to pull free. “Just hear me out. No,” he said when she started to speak. “Listen for a minute longer, please. When you told me you wouldn’t marry me, you gave me two reasons. First, the risk of Jason’s surgery and how it might impact us. Second, you admitted that you couldn’t help being concerned about what happened with your ex and how it could happen again. Correct?”