“Where … where did that come from?” I can hardly find my voice.
“I bought it for you in Bruges.” He clears his throat, as though embarrassed to admit it. “I was walking along the street one day. Saw it in a window, thought of you.”
I can’t believe it. Magnus bought a ring for me. Specially for me. I can hear Wanda’s voice in my head: When he really wants to commit to someone, he’ll find a ring for himself. He’ll choose something carefully. Give it some thought.
But I can’t relax.
“Why did you choose this ring?” I probe. “Why did it make you think of me?”
“The strands of gold.” He gives an abashed smile. “They reminded me of your hair. Not the color, obviously,” he amends quickly. “The shine.”
That was a good answer. Quite romantic. I raise my eyes and he gives me a hopeful, lopsided smile.
Oh God. When Magnus is sweet and puppy-doglike, he’s almost irresistible.
Thoughts are still spinning round my head. So he made a mistake. A big, big mistake. Am I going to throw away everything for that? Am I so perfect myself? Let’s face it, twenty-four hours ago my arms were wrapped around another man in a wood.
I feel a tiny pang in my chest at the thought of Sam and give myself a mental shakedown. Stop. Don’t go there. I got carried away by the situation, that’s all. Maybe Magnus did too.
“What do you think?” Magnus is watching me eagerly.
“I love it,” I whisper. “It’s amazing.”
“I know.” He nods. “It’s exquisite. Like you. And I want you to wear it. So, Poppy …” He puts his warm hand on mine. “Sweetest Poppy … will you?”
“Oh God, Magnus,” I say helplessly. “I don’t know….” My new phone is flashing with messages and I pick it up to buy myself some time. There’s a brand-new email from samro
[email protected] white globe consulting. com.
My heart skips a beat. I sent Sam my new number this afternoon, just so he had it. And at the last minute I added, Sorry about this afternoon, with a couple of kisses. Simply to clear the air. Now he’s answering me. At midnight. What does he want to say? With trembling fingers, my thoughts veering onto wild possibilities, I click on the message.
“Poppy?” Magnus sounds a little affronted. “Sweets? Could we focus?”
Sam is delighted to have received your email. He’ll get back to you as soon as he possibly can. Meanwhile, thanks for your interest.
I feel a sting of humiliation as I read the words. The brush-off email. He got his PA to send me the brush-off email.
I suddenly remember him, that time in the restaurant: You must have a brush-off email. They come in pretty useful for fending off unwanted advances too. Well, he couldn’t be any clearer than that, could he?
And now there’s more than a tiny pang in my chest—there’s a real wrenching pain. I was so stupid. What did I think? At least Magnus didn’t delude himself that he and Lucinda were anything more than a casual fling. In some ways he stayed more faithful than I did. I mean, if Magnus even knew the half of what’s been going on these last few days …
“Poppy?” Magnus is peering at me. “Bad news?”
“No.” I toss the phone onto the sofa and somehow find a dazzling smile. “You’re right. We all make stupid mistakes. We all get carried away. We all get distracted by things which aren’t … which aren’t real. But the point is …” I’m running out of steam here.
“Yes?” prompts Magnus gently.
“The point is … you bought me a ring. Yourself.”
As I say the words, my thoughts seem to come together and consolidate into something firm. All my deluded dreams fall away. This is reality, right here in front of me. I know what I want now. I take the ring out of the box and examine it for a moment, the blood beating hard in my head. “You chose it for me yourself. And I love it. And, Magnus … yes.”
I meet Magnus’s gaze head-on, suddenly not caring about Sam, wanting to take my life forward, away from here, to somewhere new.
“Yes?” He peers at me as though not sure what he’s hearing.
“Yes.” I nod.
In silence, Magnus takes the ring from me. He lifts up my left hand and slides it onto my ring finger.
I can’t quite believe it. I’m getting married.
95 Artistic license.
96 Even the fact that its name reminds me of the very person I want to forget doesn’t put me off.
97 I might as well stick to the regimen.
98 Which rules out most of my DVDs, it turns out.
99 Weepfest.
100 Total weepfest.
101 What kind of movie starts with a mother fish and all her little glowy eggs being eaten by a shark, FFS? It’s supposed to be for children.
102 NB: Shouldn’t it be irrelevant anyway what I look like?
103 Because I’ve eaten them all.
Magnus doesn’t believe in superstitions. He’s just like his father. So even though it’s our wedding day today—even though everyone knows it’s bad luck—he stayed at my place last night. When I told him he should go to his parents’ house, he got all sulky and said I couldn’t be so ridiculous and why would he pack up all his stuff for one night? Then he added, “Surely the only people who believe in that kind of stuff are people with—”
At which point he stopped himself. But I know he was going to say “weak minds.” It’s a good thing he didn’t continue, or there would have been a major bust-up. As it is, I’m still feeling quite stroppy with him. Which isn’t exactly ideal on your wedding day. I should be feeling all starry-eyed. I shouldn’t be leaning out of the kitchen every five minutes, saying, “And another thing you always do …”
I now know exactly why they started the tradition of being apart the night before your wedding. It’s nothing about romance, or sex, or being chaste, or whatever. It’s so you don’t have a row and stomp up the aisle seething at your bridegroom, planning all the home truths you’re going to tell him as soon as you get this wedding bit out of the way.
I was going to make him sleep in the sitting room, but Toby and Tom were in there in sleeping bags.104 At least I’ve made him promise to leave the house before I get into my wedding dress. I mean, that would be the limit.
As I pour myself a cup of coffee, I can hear him declaiming in the bathroom, and I feel another flinch of irritation. He’s practicing his speech. Here. In the flat. Isn’t his speech supposed to be a surprise? Does he know anything about weddings? I approach the bathroom door, ready to give him an earful—then pause. I might as well listen to a snippet.
The door is slightly ajar, and I peer through the gap to see him in his dressing gown, addressing himself in the mirror. To my surprise, he looks quite worked up. His cheeks are red and he’s breathing heavily. Maybe he’s getting into the part. Maybe he’s going to make a really passionate speech about how I’ve completed his life, and everyone will cry.
“Everyone said I’d never get married. Everyone said I’d never do it.” Magnus pauses for so long, I wonder if he’s lost his way. “Well, look. Here I am. OK? Here I am.”
He takes a swig of something, which looks like a gin and tonic, and gazes belligerently at himself.
“Here I am. Married, OK? Married.”
I peer at him uncertainly. I don’t know quite what’s wrong about this speech, but something is. There’s some small detail that feels wrong … something amiss … something that jars….
I’ve got it. He doesn’t look happy.
Why doesn’t he look happy? It’s his wedding day.
“I’ve done it.” He lifts his glass at the mirror, glowering. “So all you people who said I couldn’t can fuck off.”
“Magnus!” I can’t help exclaiming in shock. “You can’t say ‘fuck off’ in your wedding speech!” Magnus’s face jolts, and his belligerent air instantly vanishes as he whips round. “Poppy! Sweets! I didn’t know you could hear me.”
“Is that your speech?” I demand.
“No! Not exactly.”
He takes a deep swig of his drink. “It’s a work in progress.”
“Well, haven’t you written it yet?” I eye his glass. “Is that a gin and tonic?”
“I think I’m allowed a gin and tonic on my wedding day, don’t you?”
The belligerent air is creeping back. What is wrong with him?
If I was in one of those glossy luxury-kitchen American TV dramas, I’d go up to him now and take his arm and say gently, “It’s going to be a great day, honey.” And his face would soften and he’d say, “I know,” and we’d kiss, and I would have diffused the tension with my loving tact and charm.
But I’m not in the mood. If he can be belligerent, so can I.
“Fine.” I scowl. “Get pissed. Great idea.”
“I’m not going to get pissed. Jesus. But I’ve got to have something to take the edge off the—” He stops abruptly, and I stare at him in shock. Where exactly was he heading with that sentence?
Off the ordeal? Off the pain?
I think his mind is working the same way, because he quickly finishes the sentence. “—the thrill. I need to take the edge off the thrill, or I’ll be far too hyper to concentrate. Sweets, you look beautiful. Gorgeous hair. You’ll look spectacular.”
His old engaging manner has returned in full force, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud.
“My hair hasn’t even been done yet,” I say, with a grudging smile. “The hairdresser’s on his way.”
“Well, don’t let him ruin it.” He gathers the ends together and kisses them. “I’ll get out of your way. See you at the church!”
“OK.” I stare after him, feeling a bit unsettled.
And I’m unsettled for the rest of the morning. It’s not exactly that I’m worried. It’s more that I don’t know if I should be worried. I mean, let’s look at the facts. One moment Magnus is all over me, begging me to marry him—then he gets stroppy, as though I’m forcing him into it with a shotgun. Is it just jitters? Is this what men are always like on their wedding day? Should I tolerate it as normal male behavior, like when he gets a cold and starts Googling nose cancer symptoms discharge nostrils?105
If Dad were alive, I could ask him.
But that’s a thought path I really can’t let myself go down, not today, or I’ll be a mess. I blink hard and scrub at my nose with a tissue. Come on, Poppy. Brighten up. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist. I’m getting married!
Toby and Tom emerge from their cocoons just as the hairdresser arrives. They make monster cups of tea in mugs which they brought themselves,106 then instantly start bantering with the hairdresser and putting rollers in their hair and making me fall about with laughter. I wish for the zillionth time that I saw more of them. Then they disappear off to have breakfast at a cafe, and Ruby and Annalise arrive two hours early because they couldn’t wait, and the hairdresser announces he’s ready, and my aunt Trudy rings from her mobile, saying they’re nearly here and her tights have laddered, is there anywhere she can buy a new pair?107
And then we’re into a blur of hair dryers blasting, nails being painted, makeup being done, hair being put up, flowers arriving, dresses being put on, dresses being taken off to go to the loo, sandwiches being delivered, and a near spray-tan disaster (it was actually just a blotch of coffee on Annalise’s knee). Somehow, it’s two o’clock before I realize it, and the cars are here and I’m standing in front of the mirror in my dress and veil. Tom and Toby are standing on either side of me, so handsome in their morning coats that I have to blink away the tears again. Annalise and Ruby have already left for the church. This is it. My last few moments as a single girl.
“Mum and Dad would have been so proud of you,” says Toby gruffly. “Amazing dress.”
“Thanks.” I try to shrug nonchalantly.
I suppose I look OK, as brides go. My dress is really long and slim, with a low back and tiny bits of lace on the sleeves. My hair’s in a chignon.108 My veil is gossamer light, and I’ve got a beaded headdress and a gorgeous posy of lilies. But somehow, just like Magnus this morning, something seems amiss….
It’s my expression, I suddenly realize with dismay. It isn’t right. My eyes are tense and my mouth keeps twitching downward and I’m not radiant. I try baring my teeth at myself in a broad smile—but now I look freaky, like some kind of scary clown-bride.
“You OK?” Tom is watching me curiously.
“Fine!” I pull at my veil, trying to bunch it round my face more. The point is, it doesn’t matter what my expression is like. Everyone will be looking at my train.
“Hey, sis.” Toby glances at Tom as though for approval. “So you know, if you did change your mind, we’d be totally cool. We’d help you do a getaway. We’ve discussed it, haven’t we, Tom?”
“Four-thirty from St. Pancras.” Tom nods. “Gets you to Paris in time for dinner.”
“Do a getaway?” I stare at him in dismay. “What do you mean? Why would you plan a getaway? Don’t you like Magnus?”
“No! Whoa! Never said that.” Toby lifts his hands defensively. “Just … putting it out there. Giving you the option. We see it as our job.”
“Well, don’t see it as your job.” I speak more sharply than I meant to. “We’ve got to get to the church.”
“I got the papers when I was out, by the way,” adds Tom, proffering a stack of newspapers. “You want to have a read in the car?”
“No!” I recoil in horror. “Of course not! I’ll get newsprint on my dress!”
Only my little brother could suggest reading the newspaper on the way to my own wedding. As if it’ll be so boring we’d better have some entertainment.
Having said that, I can’t help flicking through the Guardian quickly as Toby goes for a quick final bathroom break. There’s a picture of Sam on page 5, under the headline SCANDAL ROCKS BUSINESS WORLD, and as soon as I see it, my stomach clenches tightly.
But less tightly than before. I’m sure of it.
The car is a black Rolls Royce limousine, which looks pretty amazing in my nondescript Balham street, and a small crowd of neighbors has gathered to watch as I come out. I do a little twirl and everyone claps as I get into the car. We set off, and I feel like a proper, glowing, radiant bride.
Except I can’t look that radiant and glowing, because as we’re driving along Buckingham Palace Road, Tom leans forward and says, “Poppy? Are you carsick or something?”
“What?”
“You look ill.”
“No, I don’t.” I scowl at him.
“You do,” says Toby, peering at me dubiously. “Kind of … green.”
“Yeah, green.” Tom’s face lights up. “That’s what I meant. Like you’re about to hurl. Are you about to hurl?”
That is so typical of brothers. Why couldn’t I have had sisters, who would tell me I looked beautiful and lend me their blusher?
“No, I’m not about to hurl! And it doesn’t matter what I look like.” I turn my face away. “No one will be able to see through my veil.” My phone beeps, and I haul it out of my little bridal bag. It’s a text from Annalise:
Don’t go up Park Lane! Accident! We’re stuck!
“Hey.” I lean forward to the driver. “There’s an accident on Park Lane.”
“Right you are.” He nods. “We’ll avoid that route, then.”
As we swing around into a little side road, I’m aware of Tom and Toby exchanging glances.
“What?” I say at last.
“Nothing,” Toby says soothingly. “Just sit back and relax. Shall I tell you some jokes, take your mind off it?”
“No. Thanks.”
I stare out the window, watching the streets go by. And suddenly, before I feel quite ready, we’ve arrived. The church bells are pealing with a single, rhythmic tone as we get out of the car. A couple of late guests I don’t recognize are running up the steps, the woman clutching her hat. They smile at me, and I give a self-conscious nod.
It’s for real. I’m actually doing this. This is the happiest day of my
life. I should remember every moment. Especially how happy I am.
Tom surveys me and grimaces. “Pops, you look awful. I’ll tell the vicar you’re ill.” He barges straight past me into the church.
“No, don’t! I’m not ill!” I exclaim furiously, but it’s too late. He’s on a mission. Sure enough, a few moments later Reverend Fox is hurrying out of the church, an anxious look on his face.
“Oh my goodness, your brother’s right,” he says as soon as he sees me. “You don’t look well.”
“I’m fine!”
“Why don’t you take a few minutes to compose yourself alone before we begin the service?” He’s ushering me into a small side room. “Sit down a moment, have a glass of water, perhaps eat a biscuit? There are some in the church hall. We need to wait for the bridesmaids anyway. I gather they’ve been held up in traffic.”
“I’ll look out for them on the street,” says Tom. “They won’t be long.”
“I’ll get the biscuits,” chimes in Toby. “Will you be all right, sis?”
“Fine.”
They all head out and I’m left alone in the silent room. A tiny mirror is perched on a shelf, and as I look into it I wince. I do look sick. What’s wrong with me?
My phone dings and I peer at it in surprise. I’ve got a text from Mrs. Randall.
6-4, 6-2. Thank you, Poppy!
She did it! She got back on the tennis court! This is the best thing I’ve heard all day. And all of a sudden I wish I were at work, away from here, absorbed in the process of treating someone, doing something useful—
No. Stop. Don’t be stupid, Poppy. How can you wish you were at work on your wedding day? I must be some sort of freak. No other brides wish they were at the office. None of the bridal magazines carry articles on “How to Look Radiant Rather Than Like You Want to Vomit.”
Another text has dinged into my phone, but this one is from Annalise.
Finally!!!! We’re on the move! Are you there already?