“Like what?” My heart rate picked up.
“I don’t know. A sort of a vendetta. Us versus them with no thought, no planning. A path that will lead us down a dark hole that we can’t come back from. I’m just not convinced that we’re running this. I think they are.”
“I have to tell you a secret. I was going to. You and Micah. I just never got around to it or maybe I didn’t want to deal with what it all meant….” My whole body ached.
“Tell me now.”
“I think Jason’s father may have been involved in this. Don’t you think it’s strange they left right before the wolves came attacking?”
He nodded. “We all think that. No one wanted to tell you. I didn’t anticipate you’d believe me.”
“Great. So now everyone is keeping things from me?”
“You’re a little blind when it comes to Jason.”
“This isn’t Jason. This is his dad.”
“Rachel.” He threw his hands in the air. “You’re an odd one sometimes. Jason is involved in this whether you want to believe it or not. Anyone with half a brain would question their father….”
I interrupted him as I always did whenever the subject of Jason came up. At this point, I wasn’t sure if I defended him simply out of habit. “They’re wolves. They behave differently. Andon’s their Alpha.”
“Well, good luck with that. Sounds like a real healthy relationship for you to be in.”
“You’re just jealous.” As soon as I said the words, I wished I could take them back. If I had uttered that statement before Keith told me Deacon loved me, it would have been bad enough. Now? Inexcusable. So why had I done that?
“You’re damn right I’m jealous.”
I opened my mouth to answer but no response came to me.
“I’m so jealous of him I can’t see straight. Why does he get to be so special? He’s never done one thing for you, as far as I can tell, that ultimately didn’t end in you getting hurt. If you were mine….” He turned his back on me without finishing that thought.
My cheeks burned. I wanted to ask him to finish what he said but that would have been horribly selfish.
“Are you able to go for a walk to go find Micah or do you want me to bring him back here?”
I blinked rapidly because I had no idea what he talked about. “What?”
“I just assumed you’d want to take back control of the revolution.” He turned back around, his Deacon mask planted back on his face. Stubborn, removed, sarcastic. The guy who had been so vulnerable in front of me moments earlier now nowhere to be found. “Unless I’m wrong. If you’re done with helping me bring down the vamps and potentially find my family. That’s fine too, I guess.”
Yep. Deacon had returned. The one I wanted to whack over the head.
Chapter Ten
I sat across from Micah in the almost-darkness and found myself, for the first time in a long while, at a complete loss of words for him. In the past, it had been a problem that I had held such a large, unending crush on him. Now, I just wasn’t sure how to tell someone I cared about that they’d gone off the path of sanity into the abyss.
“You can’t just keep going down and blowing things up. We had a plan. At the very least, the elder Warriors are more likely to catch us if we aren’t careful.”
The fire pit between us spat and crackled over a wet stick. The flames were mostly gone and black smoke traveled from its depths like a snake slithering into the sky.
Micah rubbed his temples as he regarded me. His dark eyes said nothing I could interpret.
“I owe you my life,” he said.
I shook my head. After the display I’d made with Deacon, I’d had all I could take of gratitude. I hadn’t walked on very unsteady feet to find Micah to be thanked.
“You don’t owe me anything. We keep each other alive. That’s how it works. Or did you forget?”
He shook his head. “I never forget anything. Like the fact that you also saved Tia last year.”
“And I got Chad killed. Yes, I know.”
The words burned on my tongue. I knew that no matter how long I lived I would never be able to undo what happened with Chad. I could save the entire Lyons family a million times, and it would never bring him back.
“I didn’t say that.” He swore. “I was trying to give you gratitude, not place blame on your shoulders. I actually spend most of my time trying not to think about Chad. I don’t bring him up in conversation, if I can help it.”
How much he did or did not remember his dead brother meant little to me unless it drove him to do stupid things, which might now be the case.
“Listen, I need to know what you think you’re doing. Can you explain it to me?”
He sat back in his chair. “Why do I have to tell you anything?”
“Um. Because I asked you.”
I don’t have much of a temper but when it gets riled, it’s not pretty. I could feel my blood start to pump harder in my veins. My hands shook slightly, not so much that anyone else would notice.
“And you’re in charge, is that it?”
“Weren’t you the one who, just last week, lectured me about being in charge? Told me I had started this, and I had to run it? Wasn’t that you, Micah?”
He stood and walked to the other side of the fire. “You nearly died. That was my fault, and I took over in your absence in the way I thought you would want me to.”
In the way he thought I would want him to? “Does that line make you feel better? You’re risking people’s lives. They trusted me to handle this in a way that would work for all of us. That’s not what you’re doing.”
“I haven’t heard anyone complain.”
We were officially shouting at one another. I stumbled to my feet. If I was going to have a fight with Micah Lyons, I wanted to at least be on the same playing field.
“Why would they? They trust you, too. Of course they do. Up until this point you’ve been steady in how right on you were with everything. They’d have no reason to see that overnight you’ve become a lunatic.”
“Maybe I’m just seeing things more clearly than I ever have before.”
I put my hands on my hips. “Maybe you need downtime.”
“Look.” He took three steps away from me. “You want me to back off this and let you run it again?”
“It’s not like I’ve been gone for a month. I took a week off to recover from major injuries. I think you could have cooled your heels during that time and waited to see what would happen instead of becoming a crusader dishing out justice to the vamps when you have no idea—none—of the ramifications.”
“It was your idea to blow things up in the first place.”
“Yes, it was. I still think it’s a good idea. If we are slow, calculated, and careful about it.”
Micah slumped down onto the ground. “We did almost lose Sloane at the last raid. A vampire came up behind her. Fortunately, I got to it before it could damage her.”
I sighed. He’d raged, and now he’d deflated. For the usually stoic Micah, his emotions seemed all over the board. I limped over to him and sat on the ground beside him. “You and Sloane? Romance brewing?”
His head shot up. “No. What makes you think that?”
“The way you just said her name. You sighed it instead of speaking it.”
He rubbed at his jaw. “Did I?”
“Yep.”
“Should you even be out of bed?”
I patted him on his shoulder. “Now you ask me that? You’ve just gotten done shouting at me, and you’re suddenly concerned with my health?”
“All right. I’m a jerk.” He paused for a second. “But are you seriously okay?”
“I’m going to live.” Was I okay? No. It had been years since I’d been okay. Micah, however, didn’t need a whole speech on the nature of my problems. I didn’t even like thinking about them.
“That’s good. We’ll wait for you for the next raid. You’ll say when, you’ll say where.”
&nbs
p; “Thanks.”
I hadn’t wanted to be the leader anymore. Now, I knew I had to be. Especially if those around me—the people I’d trusted most in the world—were ill equipped for handling the job.
“Tell Deacon I don’t need him tattling on me.” Micah threw a rock into the fire.
“Tell him yourself. I’m not the messenger.”
“I will, trust me.” He sighed. “I have to go. I’m fighting tonight. You are, obviously, not.”
“Give me a week or so.”
“Okay.” He stood up. “Did you start a relationship with Deacon now?”
“No. I’m still with Jason…whatever else happens.” I couldn’t tell him the truth. Jason had the right to know my feelings had shifted before anyone else did.
“Why? He’s gone. Why bother with him? He left you here.”
“Because he’s mine.” I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. “I don’t have people. My father is…well, you know what he is. Jason belongs to me. You do. Your whole family, in fact. You’re all so important to me I can hardly breathe when I think anything is wrong with you. All of you. Tiffani. Keith. And Deacon.”
Just a year earlier, Deacon wouldn’t have been on that list.
Micah put his hand on my arm. “You’re ours, too. Don’t ever think otherwise. We’re all screwed up together.”
***
Micah kept his word. No one went down to blow anything up and gradually I felt my strength start to return. Sometimes I could even get through the night without waking up in pain.
And still Jason did not return.
But the Lyons did. My little speech to Micah seemed to have spurred them forward. Carol, Tia, Patrick, Davis, and Tad took it upon themselves to never leave me alone, which I loved more than I thought I would. Apparently, they’d thought I hadn’t wanted to be alone with them since Chad’s death. The closer I came to being better, the sooner I knew I would have to fight again.
Carol had left me a loaf of bread and ham for lunch. I’d made myself a sandwich.
Keith stuck his head in my tent flap, his eyes closed. “You decent in here?”
When we lived below, we had doorbells. Up here we were still working out the kinks of how to enter each other’s homes.
I laughed and stood up. “I am. Come on in.”
“Good.” He opened his eyes and walked inside my home. “Looks goods in here.”
“Thanks to you guys.”
He stepped further inside. “I came to make sure you were really up for going out tonight. You could take more time.”
“I need to get back out there. The longer I wait, the harder it will be. I might start to feel like a non-Warrior and think that I have the right not to get killed. What would happen to the world if I started to believe that?”
He raised his hands up in surrender. “Wow, Rachel. You’re getting downright political on me.”
“No, I couldn’t be less interested in politics.” Particularly since that would put me in the realm of the Turtle, a person who’s unpleasantness I’d managed to avoid since I’d come out of the medic tent.
“You keep talking like that and people are going to accuse you of having unpopular ideas. Dangerous thoughts.”
“Since when is it not okay to think so-called bad things?” Of course I knew the answer—it had never been okay to go against Icahn. Why was I the only one who knew we had to change?
“In the few places I’ve lived, which are significantly more places than most people will even see, I’ve found that if you want to live a happy life it’s best not rock the boat.” He sighed. “Don’t be subversive.”
That was a word I didn’t hear very often.
I just thought we should have a choice about whether or not we continued to fight.
“I will fight tonight, Keith. I’ll fight tomorrow. I’ll fight every day until I die or until we come up with a better way to handle things.”
He grinned. “Sounds good to me. See you there then. It’ll be good to have you out there fighting the good fight with us again.”
The good fight?
***
The early morning sun lit up the horizon. This was my favorite time of the day. The hour the vampires had been driven back to their holes and the fight, for the most part, had ended for the night.
“Not too bad for your first night back?” Micah came up behind me to stare off at the forest coming alive in front of us.
“Nope.” I stretched my arms out in front of me. “The vampires were worthless, and I didn’t see a single wolf. Did you?”
He shook his head. “Nope.”
“Did anyone?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t take a poll. Why all the questions about the wolves all the time? It’s a good thing when we don’t encounter them. End of story.”
He turned to me; the light making him look so much like Chad, it caused pain in my chest. His brother would have understood my questions. He would have had his own. I wanted to shake Micah with frustration as I screamed, “nothing is right.”
“No, it’s not the end of the story. Other than the night where I got hurt, we haven’t seen them with the vampires. They’re not even down below. We need to take note of this. Immediately.”
“So, we’ve taken note. I’ve taken note. You’ve taken note. Deacon has. Are you suggesting we cancel tonight’s raid on the Lair 23?”
“No.” I never thought of the lairs as numbers. Deacon and Micah had gone around labeling them one day. I still thought of each lair by where they were located, like tonight’s was five miles northwest of Genesis. “Let’s just be careful, okay?”
“I’m always careful. Ready to go now?”
“Yep.” I smiled. I couldn’t help it. Micah had a way of disarming everyone around him. Maybe it came from growing up in such a big family. He knew how to get along.
We walked in silence through the cold toward the vampire lair we would hit today. I wondered if we had lived in a past time, before Armageddon, if we would have traveled this way together for different reasons. Two friends after a night of partying, sneaking home through the woods together.
“Let me ask you a question.”
Inwardly, I groaned. If he started that way, he knew I wasn’t going to like what he said.
“If you have to.”
He elbowed me in the shoulder and I flinched. Of all the places on my body he had to jab, why did it have to be that one?
“Do you think it’s possible that your obsession with the lack of wolves has to do with your lack of one wolf?”
I shook my head. “I think it’s easy to dismiss me that way. Let’s just assume Rachel is always perpetually obsessed with her boyfriend, that she isn’t capable of seeing anything past Jason. Everything she says and does must have to do with him.”
“So that would be a no, then?”
I refused to dignify that with an answer.
“You could get rid of Jason, marry me, quit fighting, and be part of my family. It would give you all you wanted.”
I stopped. “Micah, do not tell me you’re in love with me. Even if you are, please lie to me. I can’t have it. I just can’t. I’m not even pretty. Before I got scratched by the vamp, I wasn’t much to look at. Now I am a big, giant redheaded mess.”
Micah laughed, a long jovial sound. “I’m not in love with you, and that is not a lie. It’s just a thought. The ease of the whole thing. It would be simple. Like you and Chad would have been. Easy.”
“There was nothing easy between me and your brother. I wish it had been. He was always very intense, and I was always very confused.” I wanted to change the subject, immediately. “Do you have everything you need to set the explosives? Have there been any other incidents with the explosives not working the way they should?”
“They’ve all been fine.”
“That’s good.” So why didn’t I feel better?
“Maybe you should hang back on this one. Let me and someone else go in first. You’re not one-hundred percent yet.??
?
“The thing about having partners, my friend, is that you have to be with them whether they are in good shape or bad shape. If I have to hang back, you have to hang back.”
“Then you’re fine to go forward?” He didn’t even sound slightly ironic when he uttered those words to me.
I shook my head. “Are you addicted to this?”
“Yes, probably.”
“And proud of it, I see.”
We finally reached our destination. I wasn’t surprised to see Deacon, Sloane, and the others waiting there already. Micah and I hadn’t exactly hoofed it fast.
Glen motioned us over to where he waited. “Hey guys.” He bounced from foot to foot.
“Excited?” I didn’t really understand why everyone got so happy about this. Had this become entertainment for adrenaline-addicted Warriors with nothing better to do with our days?
“Yes. Very. And we’re all really excited to have you back.”
Sloane stood up next to Glen. Her blonde hair flowed down her back in ringlets. She had always been a quiet girl in class, had never given any of us any trouble, and had mostly kept to herself. On the field, she’d proven to be brutal to the vamps. I liked her a lot. But I had no idea how to make friends. The ones I had I’d gotten when I was really young, and Deacon had inflicted himself on me whether I liked it or not.
Jason…well…that had been another complicated mess.
“Hi, Rachel. You look great. I don’t know what I expected but you looking so healthy wasn’t it.”
“Um, thanks.” People, particularly women, were always chatty. Somehow in the midst of taking care of my father and trying to figure out how I could get by in school, I’d missed girl-talk instructions. “I really like your hair. How do you keep it doing that thing it does where it flows down your back?”
“Oh.” She seemed surprised by my question as she scratched her head. “My mom’s hair does the same thing. I almost don’t do anything with it at all and—”
Deacon interrupted. “Is this for real? Hair? Ladies, we have bombs to explode.”