“Too dangerous. For the next few months every action against the English is going to be laid to Mary’s execution. I have no desire for anyone to link my marriage to any sudden interest in avenging her.”
“I wondered why you were so quick to distract Angus.” He frowned. “But we can trust him, Robert.”
“He’s curious and curious men speculate. Speculations are dangerous.” His gaze went back to the stairs. “How did she look?”
Gavin shrugged. “You saw her.”
“That’s no answer,” Robert snapped. “Dammit, how does she look? Was she any better?”
“She looked as though she were seeing phantoms.” Gavin paused and then added, “But we all have to face our phantoms alone. You can’t fight them for her.”
“Why the hell should I want to try?” Robert strode to the table in front of the hearth. “Bring that whiskey. I feel in need of warming.”
“Or blurring.” Gavin set the bottle on the card table and sat down opposite him. “I’m sure this isn’t what you planned for tonight. You were so hot for her, I thought you’d give in a dozen times on the journey here.”
“So did I.” He was still hot for her. He had never been in such a fever for a woman as he was for Kate, and frustration was tearing him apart—frustration and that aching tenderness he had been fighting since the moment he had seen her. Why could he not set that softness aside and take what he wanted?
“She’s a brave lass. It’s hard to see her suffer, isn’t it?”
Robert didn’t look at him as he reached for the bottle. “Deal the cards.”
• • •
Mermaid!
She couldn’t breathe! Her lungs were filling with water. Smothering! “Wait, please, wait …”
“What the hell is wrong?” She was being shaken hard, being torn from the blue depths. “Wake up!”
Kate opened her eyes to see Robert’s face above her.
Safety. Harbor. Home.
She hurled herself into his arms, her heart beating so hard, it felt as if it were going to leap into her throat and choke her. Her arms closed frantically, desperately around him. “She’s gone!”
“Shh …” Robert buried his fingers in her hair. “You must have had a bad dream.”
What was she doing? Instinct had brought her into this embrace, but Robert was no safe harbor. She tried to break free, but he quelled her struggles “Stop it.”
She collapsed back into his arms. She would have to rely on instinct; she was too weak to do battle now.
“She’s gone.” She was sobbing so hard, she could barely get the words past her lips. “Mermaid. Mermaid …”
“Easy.” Robert began stroking her hair. “It can’t be that bad. It was only a dream.”
The tears were pouring down her cheeks. “That’s what I tried to tell him. Not a sin—only a dream.”
“Told who?”
“Sebastian. He wouldn’t listen. Martha got … the whip.”
He went still. “The whip?’
“Because of the dream. Mermaid …”
“What does a mermaid have to do with this?”
“It’s her. Don’t you see? It’s her.”
“Mary?”
“My mother.” The frantic words tumbled out wildly. “He said to dream about her was wicked. But it never felt wicked. It wasn’t wicked.”
“Christ.”
She was silent a moment, trying to control her trembling. She mustn’t be this weak. “You can let me go now.”
“Hush.” His arms tightened around her. “I’ll do what I want to do.”
She was thankful he hadn’t wanted to do what she asked. She felt as if he were the only stable rock in a stormy sea. But the mermaid ruled the sea.…
“You don’t mind? It will only be for a little while. When you hold me, I feel—”
“Safe,” he supplied dryly. “I know.”
“Yes, it’s strange, isn’t it? When sometimes I’m almost afraid of you …”
“I’m surprised that you admit it.”
“So am I. I believe I’m not myself. Dear God, I hate to feel this weak. It makes me want to vomit with disgust.”
“I pray you restrain yourself. I can bear tears, but the other is completely beyond me.”
She closed her eyes and let the waves of strength and security he emitted sink into her. She became aware of the scent of leather and spice and whiskey surrounding him.
“Why mermaid?” Robert asked.
She shouldn’t tell him. She had told Sebastian and suffered the consequences. But he was not Sebastian, and she needed to tell him. She could not stand the loneliness any longer. “Because of the posters.”
“Posters?”
“You know what a mermaid is the symbol for?” she whispered.
“Aye, prostitute. But it’s not something you should know about.”
“I’ve known since I was a small child. Sebastian told me. He told me everything about her.”
“For instance?”
“After her husband Lord Darnley was murdered, the townspeople of Edinburgh suspected her of complicity. They thought she murdered her husband so that she could marry her lover Lord Bothwell. They put posters everywhere, on every house and wall in Edinburgh.” She paused. “A mermaid with a crown on her head.”
“And that’s what you dream?”
She nodded jerkily. “But it’s not about murder or lust.” Her voice softened. “I’m somewhere deep in the sea. The water is blue and silky and beautiful, and I’m happy. I feel free and safe, as if I belong there.” She paused. “Then she comes.”
“And you’re not happy any longer?”
“At first I’m very happy. She’s so beautiful. Her hair flows about her like brown-gold seaweed, and she smiles at me.”
“And then?”
“She leaves me,” she said desolately. “She swims away and leaves me behind. I try to swim after her, but she’s too fast and the water grows darker and I can’t see around me. I see glimpses of strange creatures with huge teeth, and I know they’ll devour me if I don’t swim very fast and catch up with her. But I can’t. The sea isn’t safe anymore, and suddenly I can’t breathe under the water. The mermaid looks over her shoulder and smiles at me.” The tears were falling again, and she wiped her cheek on his shirt. “You see, it’s not a harmful dream.”
“Except to you.”
“Except to me,” she repeated. “I’m getting your shirt wet.”
“It will dry.”
“She’s gone for good this time. She’ll never come back.”
“No, she’ll never come back.”
“It seems strange. She was such a big part of my life, and yet I never knew her. When I was little, I used to think someday she would come and take me away. I thought if I could get to know her, get to learn everything about her, that I could do something to make her love me. But she never came. Children are very stupid, aren’t they?” She swallowed. “I’m still being foolish. Gavin said you were going to play cards. Did I disturb you?”
“No, and stop making polite conversation.”
“Was that what I was doing?” She laughed tremulously. “How odd. No one has ever taught me that art. Do you suppose it’s my royal breeding emerging?”
“Perhaps.”
Her smile faded. “I was joking. I’m not like her. No matter what anyone says, I’m not like her.”
“How do you know? What do you know of her?”
“Everything.”
“Everything Sebastian wanted you to know.”
“She was selfish and willful and an adulteress.”
“So I’ve heard.” He paused. “I’ve also heard that she was gay and charming and brave. Half of Scotland was willing to fight under her banner.”
“But not you.”
“I fight only under Craighdhu’s banner.”
“But you would never choose to fight for her,” she persisted.
He hesitated. “No.”
She smiled sadly.
“You see?”
“I would not follow her because a leader who acts on impulse is a leader who will lead you to destruction. Mary was ever ruled by her emotions, not her mind.”
“And I’ll never be like her.”
“Which is why you jump out of windows to rescue nags not worth tuppence.”
“That was different.” She lifted her head to look at him in sudden horror. “Wasn’t it? I’m not like her?”
“It’s different,” he said quickly. “Of course it’s different.” He went on slowly, searching for words. “We can’t escape where we come from, but we can choose where we’re going. Take what you want and leave the rest. Take Mary’s bravery and leave her lack of vision. Accept her gift of laughter and reject her lust for power.”
“Sebastian would say that’s not possible.”
“And I say it is. You can always control what you become, what you are.”
She was again aware of that air of inflexible resolution that was always with him. “Because you do?”
At first she didn’t think he was going to answer. Then he said, “Aye, because I do.”
“It’s not that easy. I can choose while I’m awake, but when I sleep …” She had a sudden thought. “Do you ever dream?”
“Everyone dreams.”
“Bad dreams?”
He was silent a moment. “Not anymore.”
But at some time his dreams had not been pleasant, or he would not have been willing to lower his guard to give her comfort. She opened her lips to ask what those dreams had been about but shut them without speaking.
He lifted a quizzical brow. “No more questions?”
“If I probed and dug, I would be as bad as Sebastian. You don’t want to talk about your dreams.”
“No, I don’t want to talk about them.” He paused. “But I’ll tell you how I rid myself of them. I’d wake in the night in a cold sweat, unable to go back to sleep. One night I could stand it no longer. I went to the stable and saddled my horse and left the castle. I rode aimlessly for a while and then went to the barrens.”
“The barrens?”
“The north side of the island is nothing but black rocks and steep cliffs. We call it the barrens.”
She had a sudden picture of him, alone and tormented, the night wind lifting his hair as he rode along that desolate shore. “Why did you go there?”
“I don’t know. But I sat on the cliff all night and watched the seals and the sea lions on the rocks below. Every spring hundreds of them come to the barrens to have their young. Life …” He was silent, remembering. “After that night, every time I woke from the dream, I’d go to the barrens. By the end of the summer I no longer had the dreams.”
“You think it healed you?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps.”
“You do think so. Seals and sea lions …”
“But no mermaids,” he said softly. “I never once saw a mermaid.”
“Will you take me there?”
“Someday.”
She wanted to pursue the matter and get a firmer commitment, but he had already given her more than she could have hoped. He had shared his memories and his pain, and that was not an easy thing for Robert.
And he had done it for her, she realized with joy. He had given her a glimpse of his own past to ease her pain and provide comfort She did not question why the act meant so much to her; it was enough that it filled her with a happiness and contentment she had never known. “I feel very strange … as if I were naked inside. It’s most unsettling.” Something closed and tight was uncoiling within her, but it was all right to let go. She did not have to hold Robert at bay with all the others.
She relaxed against him. “You’re being kind to me.”
“Am I?”
She nodded. “And I’m not Gavin.”
He smoothed her hair back from her temple. “I agree, you don’t resemble him in the slightest.”
“No, I mean I don’t belong to Craighdhu.”
“I very much fear you’re wrong. I wish the hell that you didn’t, but I’m afraid you do belong to Craighdhu now.”
“You mean, for the next year?”
There was only the slightest pause. “Aye, that’s what I mean.”
“And that means you’ll be kind to me, just like you are to Gavin?”
She felt him stiffen against her. “I don’t think of you in the same way.”
“You could, if you gave up this foolishness of wanting to bed me.”
“I’m afraid that foolishness will continue.” He paused and then said roughly, “But if it will make you happier, I promise I will not attempt you until you come to me and say you wish it.”
“And you will treat me as you do Gavin?”
He hesitated. “If possible.”
The falcon enfolding her with warmth, protecting her. What a wondrous thing that would be. “That will be … pleasant.”
“Not for me.”
“Why not?”
“Because it means I lose two pounds to Gavin.”
She couldn’t see what a wager had to do with this, but she was so emotionally drained, she might not be thinking clearly. “Sebastian says gambling will destroy the soul.”
“I don’t give a damn about Sebastian or his opinions.”
“Neither do I. That was very stupid of me. I guess I just couldn’t think of anything else to say.”
His hand stroked her hair. “Then don’t say anything at all.”
The suggestion seemed very good, and she relaxed against him and closed her eyes. She could hear the strong beating of his heart beneath her ear, rhythmic and powerful, like the sea washing against the shore. Strange, always before, after the dream fear had made her avoid all thought of the sea, but she felt safe tonight. There might come dreams of seals and sea lions and Robert’s dark presence on the cliff looking down at them, but somehow she knew there would be no desolate loneliness and no mermaids.
She woke alone at dawn the next morning. The moment she opened her eyes, she was aware something had changed, something was different. Memory rushed back to her. Seals and sea lions and Robert holding her through the long night and that feeling that she was safe at last. Robert had gone, but it made no difference. Joy rippled through her like sunlight. He had made her a promise, and Gavin said he always kept his promises. She jumped out of bed and ran over to the washbasin.
As she started down the steps, Robert was striding across the hall toward the front door. “I was just going to send Gavin to wake you. We should be on our way.”
She stopped on the stairs as a wave of panic swept through her. Dear God, he was as cool and remote as if last night had never happened. He was closing her out, walking away from her like all the rest. Sickening disappointment was immediately followed by a flare of anger. By Judas, he couldn’t take away what he had given her. She had opened herself to him, and she would not go back. Only loneliness awaited her if she gave up now. She ran down the rest of the stairs and marched up to him. “No! I won’t have this. Do you hear me?”
His expression remained impassive as he gazed into her blazing eyes. “Go to the kitchen and get something to eat. Angus is still asleep, but last night I gave him our thanks for his hospitality and we—”
“Why are you so different? You said—you know what you said.”
“And I will keep to it. I will guard you as I do Gavin.”
“But that’s not enough.” She had to make him understand. “I know I behaved in a weak fashion, and I can understand your disgust, but that’s no reason for you to—You need not offer me protection. I can care for myself, but there’s no reason for you not to be my friend as you are Gavin’s. Carolyn says I always demand too much of people, but no more than I’m willing to give. We could talk and … and laugh and—It would make our time together more harmonious, and I think—”
“Hush.”
“I won’t hush. You cannot push me away again. I tell you that—”
Robert covered her lips with hi
s hand. “I know what you’re saying. You’re saying I don’t have to shelter you under my wing, but I must coo like a peaceful dove whenever I’m around you.”
“I could not imagine you cooing, but I do not think peace and friendship between us is too much to ask.” She blinked rapidly as she moved her head to avoid his hand. “You promised that—”
“I know what I promised, and you have no right to ask more from me. You can’t expect to beckon me close and then have me keep my distance,” he said harshly. “You can’t have it both ways, as you would know if you weren’t—” He broke off. “And don’t weep.”
“I’m not weeping.”
“By thunder, you are.”
“I have something in my eye. “You’re not being sensible.”
“I’m being more sensible than you know,” he said with exasperation. “Why the devil is this so important to you?”
She wasn’t sure herself, but it had something to do with that wondrous feeling of rightness she had experienced last night. She had never known it before, and she would not give it up. She tried to put it into words: “I feel as if I’ve been closed up inside for a long time. Now, I want … something else. It will do you no harm to be my friend.”
“That’s not all you want,” he said slowly as he studied her desperate expression. “I don’t think you know what you want. But I do, and I can’t give it to you.”
“You could try.” She drew a deep breath. “Do you think it’s easy for me to ask this of you? It fills me with anger and helplessness, and I hate that feeling.”
She wasn’t reaching him. She had to say something that would convince him. Suddenly, the words came tumbling out, words she had never meant to say, expressing emotions she had never realized she felt. “I thought all I’d need would be a house, but now I know there’s something more. I have to have people too. I guess I always knew it, but the house was easier, safer. Can’t you see? I want what you and Gavin and Angus have, and I don’t know if I can find it alone. Sebastian told me I couldn’t have it, but I will. I will.” Her hands nervously clenched and unclenched at her sides. “I’m all tight inside. I feel scorched … like a desert. Sebastian made me that way, and I don’t know how to stop. I’m not … at ease with anyone.”