“Everybody out! I need the room.”
“Come on, man.” It’s Keyon, a true freshman running back, and he’s holding a Ping-Pong ball, ready to throw. “You said we could play.”
“I know. I’m sorry. But now you can’t, so get out.”
I know my voice is stern, and I probably seem like the biggest asshole around, but I don’t care. The people grumble as they leave, and Nell pulls her hand out of mine to retreat to the far side of the room. The longer it takes for people to leave, the more pressure builds in my head that has nothing to do with my recent injury. Two girls on my bed are the last to leave, and they linger at the door, looking at me.
One look at my hard face, though, and they disappear. I shut the door, and with my back still to Nell, I take a deep, fortifying breath.
I turn, and take in the red plastic cups scattered around the room, which looks like a damn tornado has moved through it.
“Sorry about that. The Ping-Pong table is mine, so whenever we have parties, I let people use my room to play.”
“You didn’t have to kick them out for me,” she says
“If I hadn’t, you would have disappeared without saying another word to me, right?”
She shrugs in answer.
I cross to the table and start stacking empty cups just so I’ll have something to do with my hands. I’ve been thinking about talking to Nell all day, but now that she’s here, I don’t know how to start.
I can’t screw this up.
When I go too long without talking, she says, “Listen, I’m sorry about showing up like this. Stella and I were just planning to get in, check a couple things off my list, and be on our way.”
That snaps me out of it. “She knows about your list?”
She’s leaning against my far wall, a few feet to the left of my bed, and the sight is messing with my head. Especially because her hands are pressed up against the wall behind her like she needs it to keep her from falling.
“I told her today. We’re going to finish tonight. In fact, I’ve just got one item left.”
“What is it?” I ask, and she hesitates. “Come on, you already cheated me out of two firsts today, at least tell me this.”
If it’s something sexual . . . if she’s planning on checking it off without me . . . Fuck.
“I didn’t cheat you out of anything. They’re my firsts.”
Before I know what I’m doing, I’m crossing the room and planting my hands on the wall right beside her head, caging her in. She sucks in a breath, like she’s trying to take up less space so we won’t touch.
“We’ve covered this before. I called those firsts. You were supposed to do them with me.”
“Oh my God, do you hear yourself?” She tries to shove me away, but I don’t budge. “The world does not revolve around you, Mateo Torres.”
“Oh, so first I was a puppet, now I think the world revolves around me.”
“You don’t get to call my firsts. They’re mine. And why should I let you be first in anything when I’m just a second for you? It’s not fun being second choice, is it?”
She pushes on me again, but I reach up and grab her wrists, holding her hands on my chest. “You’re not my second choice, Nell.”
“My bad. I forgot about football. I guess that really does make me third, doesn’t it? Excuse the mistake in my math.”
“Nell,” I growl.
“I’m glad to see you’re doing okay, though. You know, silly girl that I am, I actually came to your football game today.”
That rattles me. “You were there?”
“I was. But I left before the game started. I just didn’t feel like having to endure hours of watching you endanger yourself, to watch you put a sport above me, above yourself, above everything.”
“I didn’t.”
“You can justify it however you want, but I don’t want to listen to it.”
“Nell.” I drop her wrists to clasp her cheeks and force her eyes up to mine. “I didn’t play.”
She frowns, and that indentation between her brows pops up, and she lifts her chin stubbornly. “I saw you. You were in your uniform. Warming up. You were going to play.”
“I was going to, yeah. I had planned to play, and then as soon as the game was over, I was going to come find you. But then I realized that I couldn’t expect you to listen to what I had to say if I wasn’t willing to listen to what you said. That fight . . .” I shake my head and drop my hands from her face. Taking a step back, I say, “It was my fault. I wasn’t really listening to you. I was hearing what I wanted to hear. Things between us were getting real, fast. And it scared me. And then you were trying to tell me to be realistic about playing with a concussion, but I just heard Lina telling me to be realistic about football. About my dreams.”
Nell crosses her hands over her chest, and with her chin tilted up, she looks strangely vulnerable despite the fire in her eyes.
“So I have her to thank for why we got together, and why we broke up.”
“No.” I shake my head, fighting the urge to press her against the wall again. This would be so much easier if I could just kiss her, and that kiss could tell her all the things I’m doing such a shitty job of getting out of my mouth. “It’s not like that. You might have reminded me of Lina in the beginning, but not anymore. And what we have, what I feel, it’s not because you’re like her. It’s because you’re not. I should have known that you would never say that kind of thing, but that word . . . ‘realistic’ . . . it’s some kind of trigger for me. And all I could think was that you were going to end it, just like she did, because you’re so much better than me, Nell. And I don’t fucking deserve you. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop wanting you.” I do cross to her then because I need to touch her, have to. I run my knuckles over her cheek, and her eyes flick down to the floor. “I didn’t play today. I was on the field for a handful of seconds before I walked off and told Coach Cole everything. I didn’t play, and I should have listened to you, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Nell.”
My voice is raspy by the time I finish, and I’m barely fighting off all the emotions clamoring for control.
When her eyes don’t lift to mine, I start to panic. I back away and pace along the length of the Ping-Pong table for a few moments, dragging my nails over my shorn head. I cross to the closet where I’d deposited my bag as soon as I came into my room and saw Nell. I unzip my duffel, and the spiral is lying there on top of my clothes and shoes and other junk. I pick it up and turn back to her.
“Ah, hell. I’m not good at this kind of thing, Nell. I know how to joke and flirt and screw around, but I haven’t had much practice being serious in a while. I don’t know how to get the words out, how to find the right ones. Not when there’s so much I want to say, and so many ways I could screw it up. I’m sorry that I yelled at you and started that stupid fight. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen about the concussion. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Lina. But mostly, I’m sorry that I let you go at all. I should have stopped you when you walked away or pulled you into my lap again in my truck or followed you back into your apartment. Anything but what I did.”
She lifts her chin, not quite to its normal haughty heights, but enough that I can tell she’s still holding back.
“Okay,” she answers.
“Okay?”
“Yes, okay. I accept your apology.”
But she doesn’t look like it. I’d thought if she accepted my apology, we’d be kissing by now. Why aren’t we kissing now?
“Damn it. I’m fucking this up, aren’t I? Just . . . read this, okay? I wrote it during the game, and it says it better than I can.”
I shove the spiral at her, no finesse, no charm, just fear and panic and desperation. She opens it to the first page, and her eyebrows furrow.
“Oh, not that one. That’s the only notes I ever took in my Spanish class. It starts on the next page. Sorry.”
She flips the page, and I can’t help but feel like she?
??s holding my heart in her hands, and it’s just as fragile as the paper between her fingers, just as easy to tear in two.
Chapter 29
Nell’s To-Do List
• Yeah . . . I’ve got nothing.
His handwriting is messy. Slanted and hurried, and it’s nearly as hard to decipher as he is. My hands are shaky, and my heart won’t work properly no matter how many calming breaths I take.
Ways to Prove that you love Nell De Luca
1. Tell her. Every day. Three times a day. As many times as it takes.
2. Never choose anything else over her. Not football. Not your own stubbornness. Nothing.
3. Be there whether she wants to go skinny-dipping or wants to study. Make sure she knows that she’s the adventure, not anything else.
4. Always tell her how amazing her food is (okay . . . that one is partly for you, too, because it means you get to keep eating her food).
5. Give her the best sex of her life (also works out pretty well for you).
6. Teach her whatever she wants to know, and learn from her, too. She’s a fucking genius.
7. Tell her she’s a fucking genius. All the time. When she doubts it and when she doesn’t. Just tell her.
8. Never walk away after a fight. Don’t. Fucking. Do it.
9. Prove you love her (preferably in bed, but that’s optional) once a day. Three times a day. As many times as it takes.
10. Be worthy of her. Not by playing football or pretending to be something you’re not. By being the man she makes you feel like you are. Strong and smart and kind and so damn lucky to have her.
I don’t know whether to cry or laugh or both as I read his words. And the fist around my heart is shaking, or maybe that’s just me. I look up at him, and he has his hand tucked behind his head, watching me from over by the Ping-Pong table. Longing and fear are etched all over his face. He’s terrified of what I’ll say.
And he didn’t play today, and he wrote me a list, and he says he loves me. Or he wrote it anyway.
“Well,” I say, my voice scratchy with pent-up tears. I take a few steps toward him. “Let’s hear number one, then.”
He crosses to me in two strides and pulls me up into his arms. His muscles wind tight around my middle, and he presses his forehead into mine like he can’t get close enough. “I love you. I’m so sorry, Nell. You might have reminded me of Lina in the beginning, but what I feel for you is so much bigger than that. So much better. I love you. You’re a fucking genius. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” The words shake coming out of my mouth, so I repeat them. More for me, really, than him. I love him. This is not beyond me. This feeling, the way something in me feels too big for my body, the need to bring him closer and closer . . . that’s normal. I’m normal.
He turns and sits me right on the edge of the Ping-Pong table beside us, and covers my mouth with his.
Okay, maybe we’re not entirely normal. But I like our kind of normal.
His mouth pushes and pulls and dances with mine, and he promises against my lips, “As many times as it takes. You’re not gonna doubt me, sweetheart. I’ll make sure there’s no room for doubt, not when I’m done.”
I drag my hands over his back, tracing the muscles, reminding myself that he’s here. That this is real. He drops his face into the crook of my neck and groans. His big hands run the length of my thighs, to my knees, and then back to the curve of my behind. He cups me there, squeezing and pulling until I’m right at the very edge of the table, and then he presses his hips into mine.
His hands glide up to grip the bottom of my shirt, and he starts tugging it up.
“Mateo, there are people outside. A lot of people.”
He kisses me hard, driving his tongue between my lips a few times before he says, “Don’t care.”
“Mateo—”
“Keep saying my name. It’s only going to make me more determined to have you.”
He gives my shirt another tug, and then he’s pulling it up and over my head. He groans and bends farther to drag his lips over the swells of my cleavage. I fight to keep him from distracting me, but it’s hard, especially when he tugs down one cup on my bra and sucks the tip of my breast into his mouth. My back arches involuntarily, and I clutch the back of his head.
“You kicked all those people out. If we don’t open the door soon, everyone is going to know what’s happening in here.”
“Good. I want them to know.” He slides my bra straps down to my elbows and peels both cups down. His fingers dance over the newly revealed skin, stroking softly enough that it tickles and my skin tightens, and oh God, who knew that light, simple touch would go straight to my sex? “I nearly went crazy when I saw that guy holding your ankles outside. If I hadn’t been so worried about getting you alone, I would have tackled him.”
“That would not have been smart. Your concussion—”
“You can be the smart one in this relationship. I’ll settle for being the one that gets to worship these.” He cups both of my breasts, lifting and kneading. He replaces one hand with his mouth and skims down my stomach to flick open the button on my jeans. “I’ll settle for being the one who gets to peel these off of you. You don’t know how badly I want to touch you. I need it.”
I want to resist. It’s barbaric and embarrassing to do this with everyone outside. But he’s not the only one who needs to touch.
“We have to be quiet,” I say. “It’s bad enough that they know I’m in here. I don’t want them to hear it, too.”
“I’ll keep your mouth occupied,” he promises.
My pulse is so wild that I can feel it everywhere. And his words make me think of his promise to teach me whatever I want to know, how to use my mouth on him included. I try to clench my legs against the ache, but his position between them stops the impulse.
“Not that,” he says, and I frown.
“Why not?”
“I fucked up, Nell. Let me apologize. Tonight is about you. Let me take care of you.”
“I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. I should have let you explain. But I was so ready to believe that I’m not made for this kind of thing. That I’m not made for love. I’m just as much at fault here.”
“No. You’re not.”
“I don’t just want to let you take care of me. I need to be an active participant in this.” I reach a hand down between us and ghost my fingers over the tented front of his sweatpants. “I want to feel like I’m made for this. For you.”
I drag my fingers over him a little more surely, and he groans.
“There are probably guys out there who are good enough to turn that kind of offer down.” He hooks his hand around the nape of my neck and pulls my mouth up to his. “I’m not one of them.”
I push him back, and with his hands on my hips, I slip off the table.
“So this is your room?” I say as we shuffle toward his bed.
“This is it. Get used to it. Because you’re not getting out of it until morning. Maybe not even then.”
I nudge him backward until he sits on the bed. He leans over to pull off his shoes and socks. Before I can climb up next to him, he hooks his fingers into the open band of my jeans and tugs me forward. My bra is still trapped awkwardly around my waist, and I reach around to unhook it while he lowers my zipper.
I expect him to push my jeans off my hip, but he surprises me by dragging my underwear along at the same time. In seconds, I’m standing before him naked, while, except for his shoes and socks, he’s still completely clothed.
I clutch his shirt, and he helps me pull it up over his head. The fabric catches on his broad shoulders, and I suck in a breath at the sight.
He hooks an arm around my waist and pulls until I’m standing between his knees, my belly pressed against his chest. His face is level with my chest, and he drags his cheek over the curve of my breast. “I like the idea of you being made for me.”
The short hair on his head tickles my palm as I hold him to me.
“You do?”
“I like it so damn much, sweetheart. This . . .” His hands sweep over my backside, then grip tight. “Made for my hands. Makes me feel incredibly lucky.”
I laugh and press at his shoulder, and reluctantly he lets go to scoot back on the bed. I climb up on my knees, and he groans before I ever even touch him.
“You don’t have a headache?” I ask.
“No.”
I crawl a little closer and prop my hands up on either side of his hips.
“Still experiencing blurred vision?”
“No.”
I lean down toward the trail of hair that descends from his belly button and place a kiss right beside it.
“Sensitivity?” I ask, not moving away from his abdomen.
He growls, “Not to light and sound, no. Symptoms are gone, Nell. I promise.”
“Hmm,” I say, and draw a finger along the band on his sweatpants. His ab muscles clench under the touch, and I smile. “This is going to be fun for me.”
“You’re killing me, you know that?”
“What?”
“That you want to—that you’re so fucking eager . . .”
He hisses out a breath when I hook my fingers under his waistband. I take a cue from him and pull his sweats and underwear down in one movement, and his erection springs free, thick and long and dark.
I start with touching him, matching the strength and speed he’d taught me that one time in the shower.
“Ah,” he breathes, tilting his hips up toward me.
“Tell me what to do.”
He wets his lips and takes a ragged breath before instructing, “Lick the tip.”
I do as he says, and I can’t even put into words how gratifying his groan is. He directs me through the first couple of movements, telling me where he’s sensitive, where to pay special attention, but by the time I take him into my mouth, he’s barely getting out one-word replies.