CHAPTER XVII
_Showing that an Attack of Rheumatism, in some cases, acts as a Quickener to Inventive Genius_
The constitution of Mr. Pickwick, though able to sustain a veryconsiderable amount of exertion and fatigue, was not proof against sucha combination of attacks as he had undergone on the memorable night,recorded in the last chapter. The process of being washed in the nightair, and rough-dried in a closet, is as dangerous as it is peculiar.Mr. Pickwick was laid up with an attack of rheumatism.
But although the bodily powers of the great man were thus impaired,his mental energies retained their pristine vigour. His spirits wereelastic; his good humour was restored. Even the vexation consequentupon his recent adventure had vanished from his mind; and he could joinin the hearty laughter which any allusion to it excited in Mr. Wardle,without anger and without embarrassment. Nay, more. During the two daysMr. Pickwick was confined to his bed, Sam was his constant attendant.On the first, he endeavoured to amuse his master by anecdote andconversation; on the second, Mr. Pickwick demanded his writing-desk,and pen and ink, and was deeply engaged during the whole day. On thethird, being able to sit up in his bed-chamber, he despatched his valetwith a message to Mr. Wardle and Mr. Trundle, intimating that if theywould take their wine there, that evening, they would greatly obligehim. The invitation was most willingly accepted; and when they wereseated over their wine, Mr. Pickwick, with sundry blushes, produced thefollowing little tale, as having been "edited" by himself, during hisrecent indisposition, from his notes of Mr. Weller's unsophisticatedrecital.
THE PARISH CLERK
A TALE OF TRUE LOVE
"Once upon a time, in a very small country town, at a considerabledistance from London, there lived a little man named Nathaniel Pipkin,who was the parish clerk of the little town, and lived in a littlehouse in the little High Street, within ten minutes' walk of thelittle church; and who was to be found every day from nine till four,teaching a little learning to the little boys. Nathaniel Pipkin wasa harmless, inoffensive, good-natured being, with a turned-up nose,and rather turned-in legs: a cast in his eye, and a halt in his gait;and he divided his time between the church and his school, verilybelieving that there existed not, on the face of the earth, so clever aman as the curate, so imposing an apartment as the vestry-room, or sowell-ordered a seminary as his own. Once, and only once, in his life,Nathaniel Pipkin had seen a bishop--a real bishop, with his arms inlawn sleeves, and his head in a wig. He had seen him walk, and heardhim talk, at a confirmation, on which momentous occasion NathanielPipkin was so overcome with reverence and awe, when the aforesaidbishop laid his hand on his head, that he fainted right clean away, andwas borne out of church in the arms of the beadle.
"This was a great event, a tremendous era, in Nathaniel Pipkin's life,and it was the only one that had ever occurred to ruffle the smoothcurrent of his quiet existence, when happening one fine afternoon,in a fit of mental abstraction, to raise his eyes from the slate onwhich he was devising some tremendous problem in compound addition foran offending urchin to solve, they suddenly rested on the bloomingcountenance of Maria Lobbs, the only daughter of old Lobbs, the greatsaddler over the way. Now, the eyes of Mr. Pipkin had rested on thepretty face of Maria Lobbs many a time and oft before, at church andelsewhere; but the eyes of Maria Lobbs had never looked so bright,the cheeks of Maria Lobbs had never looked so ruddy, as upon thisparticular occasion. No wonder then, that Nathaniel Pipkin was unableto take his eyes from the countenance of Miss Lobbs; no wonder thatMiss Lobbs, finding herself stared at by a young man, withdrew herhead from the window out of which she had been peeping, and shut thecasement and pulled down the blind; no wonder that Nathaniel Pipkin,immediately thereafter, fell upon the young urchin who had previouslyoffended, and cuffed and knocked him about, to his heart's content. Allthis was very natural, and there's nothing at all to wonder at about it.
"It _is_ matter of wonder, though, that any one of Mr. NathanielPipkin's retiring disposition, nervous temperament, and mostparticularly diminutive income, should from this day forth, havedared to aspire to the hand and heart of the only daughter of thefiery old Lobbs--of old Lobbs the great saddler, who could havebought up the whole village at one stroke of his pen, and never feltthe outlay--old Lobbs, who was well known to have heaps of money,invested in the bank at the nearest market town--old Lobbs, who wasreported to have countless and inexhaustible treasures, hoarded up inthe little iron safe with the big key-hole, over the chimney-piecein the back parlour--old Lobbs, who, it was well known, on festiveoccasions garnished his board with a real silver tea-pot, cream-ewer,and sugar-basin, which he was wont, in the pride of his heart, to boastshould be his daughter's property when she found a man to her mind. Irepeat it, to be matter of profound astonishment and intense wonder,that Nathaniel Pipkin should have had the temerity to cast his eyesin this direction. But love is blind: and Nathaniel had a cast in hiseye: and perhaps these two circumstances, taken together, prevented hisseeing the matter in its proper light.
"Now, if old Lobbs had entertained the most remote or distant idea ofthe state of the affections of Nathaniel Pipkin, he would just haverazed the school-room to the ground, or exterminated its master fromthe surface of the earth, or committed some other outrage and atrocityof an equally ferocious and violent description; for he was a terribleold fellow, was Lobbs, when his pride was injured, or his blood wasup. Swear! Such trains of oaths would come rolling and pealing overthe way, sometimes, when he was denouncing the idleness of the bonyapprentice with the thin legs, that Nathaniel Pipkin would shake in hisshoes with horror, and the hair of the pupils' heads would stand on endwith fright.
"Well! Day after day, when school was over, and the pupils gone, didNathaniel Pipkin sit himself down at the front window, and while hefeigned to be reading a book, throw sidelong glances over the way insearch of the bright eyes of Maria Lobbs; and he hadn't sat there manydays, before the bright eyes appeared at an upper window, apparentlydeeply engaged in reading too. This was delightful, and gladdeningto the heart of Nathaniel Pipkin. It was something to sit there forhours together, and look upon that pretty face when the eyes were castdown; but when Maria Lobbs began to raise her eyes from her book, anddart their rays in the direction of Nathaniel Pipkin, his delight andadmiration were perfectly boundless. At last, one day, when he knewold Lobbs was out, Nathaniel Pipkin had the temerity to kiss his handto Maria Lobbs; and Maria Lobbs, instead of shutting the window, andpulling down the blind, kissed _hers_ to him, and smiled. Upon which,Nathaniel Pipkin determined that, come what might, he would develop thestate of his feelings, without further delay.
"A prettier foot, a gayer heart, a more dimpled face, or a smarterform, never bounded so lightly over the earth they graced, as didthose of Maria Lobbs, the old saddler's daughter. There was a roguishtwinkle in her sparkling eyes, that would have made its way to far lesssusceptible bosoms than that of Nathaniel Pipkin; and there was sucha joyous sound in her merry laugh, that the sternest misanthrope musthave smiled to hear it. Even old Lobbs himself, in the very height ofhis ferocity, couldn't resist the coaxing of his pretty daughter; andwhen she, and her cousin Kate--an arch, impudent-looking, bewitchinglittle person--made a dead set upon the old man together, as, to saythe truth, they very often did, he could have refused them nothing,even had they asked for a portion of the countless and inexhaustibletreasures which were hidden from the light in the iron safe.
"Nathaniel Pipkin's heart beat high within him, when he saw thisenticing little couple some hundred yards before him one summer'sevening, in the very field in which he had many a time strolled abouttill night-time, and pondered on the beauty of Maria Lobbs. But thoughhe had often thought then, how briskly he would walk up to MariaLobbs and tell her of his passion if he could only meet her, he felt,now that she was unexpectedly before him, all the blood in his bodymounting to his face, manifestly to the great detriment of his legs,which, deprived of their usual portion, trembled beneath him. When theystopped to gather a hedge-flower, or listen
to a bird, Nathaniel Pipkinstopped too, and pretended to be absorbed in meditation, as indeed hereally was; for he was thinking what on earth he should ever do, whenthey turned back, as they inevitably must in time, and meet him faceto face. But though he was afraid to make up to them, he couldn't bearto lose sight of them; so when they walked faster he walked faster,when they lingered he lingered, and when they stopped he stopped; andso they might have gone on, until the darkness prevented them, ifKate had not looked slyly back, and encouragingly beckoned Nathanielto advance. There was something in Kate's manner that was not to beresisted, and so Nathaniel Pipkin complied with the invitation; andafter a great deal of blushing on his part, and immoderate laughter onthat of the wicked little cousin, Nathaniel Pipkin went down on hisknees on the dewy grass, and declared his resolution to remain therefor ever, unless he were permitted to rise the accepted lover of MariaLobbs. Upon this, the merry laughter of Maria Lobbs rang through thecalm evening air--without seeming to disturb it, though; it had such apleasant sound--and the wicked little cousin laughed more immoderatelythan before, and Nathaniel Pipkin blushed deeper than ever. At length,Maria Lobbs being more strenuously urged by the love-worn little man,turned away her head, and whispered her cousin to say, or at all eventsKate _did_ say, that she felt much honoured by Mr. Pipkin's addresses;that her hand and heart were at her father's disposal; but that nobodycould be insensible to Mr. Pipkin's merits. As all this was said withmuch gravity, and as Nathaniel Pipkin walked home with Maria Lobbs,and struggled for a kiss at parting, he went to bed a happy man, anddreamed all night long, of softening old Lobbs, opening the strong box,and marrying Maria.
"The next day, Nathaniel Pipkin saw old Lobbs go out upon his oldgrey pony, and after a great many signs at the window from the wickedlittle cousin, the object and meaning of which he could by no meansunderstand, the bony apprentice with the thin legs came over to saythat his master wasn't coming home all night, and that the ladiesexpected Mr. Pipkin to tea, at six o'clock precisely. How the lessonswere got through that day, neither Nathaniel Pipkin nor his pupilsknew any more than you do; but they were got through somehow, and,after the boys had gone, Nathaniel Pipkin took till full six o'clock todress himself to his satisfaction. Not that it took long to select thegarments he should wear, inasmuch as he had no choice about the matter;but the putting of them on to the best advantage, and the touchingof them up previously, was a task of no inconsiderable difficulty orimportance.
"There was a very snug little party, consisting of Maria Lobbs and hercousin Kate, and three or four romping, good-humoured, rosy-cheekedgirls. Nathaniel Pipkin had ocular demonstration of the fact, thatthe rumours of old Lobbs's treasures were not exaggerated. There werethe real solid silver tea-pot, cream-ewer, and sugar-basin, on thetable, and real silver spoons to stir the tea with, and real chinacups to drink it out of, and plates of the same, to hold the cakes andtoast in. The only eyesore in the whole place was another cousin ofMaria Lobbs's, and a brother of Kate, whom Maria Lobbs called 'Henry,'and who seemed to keep Maria Lobbs all to himself, up in one cornerof the table. It's a delightful thing to see affection in families,but it may be carried rather too far, and Nathaniel Pipkin could nothelp thinking that Maria Lobbs must be very particularly fond of herrelations, if she paid as much attention to all of them as to thisindividual cousin. After tea, too, when the wicked little cousinproposed a game at blindman's buff, it somehow or other happened thatNathaniel Pipkin was nearly always blind, and whenever he laid hishand upon the male cousin, he was sure to find that Maria Lobbs wasnot far off. And though the wicked little cousin and the other girlspinched him, and pulled his hair, and pushed chairs in his way, andall sorts of things, Maria Lobbs never seemed to come near him at all;and once--once--Nathaniel Pipkin could have sworn he heard the soundof a kiss, followed by a faint remonstrance from Maria Lobbs, and ahalf-suppressed laugh from her female friends. All this was odd--veryodd--and there is no saying what Nathaniel Pipkin might or might nothave done, in consequence, if his thoughts had not been suddenlydirected into a new channel.
"The circumstance which directed his thoughts into a new channel wasa loud knocking at the street door, and the person who made this loudknocking at the street door, was no other than old Lobbs himself, whohad unexpectedly returned, and was hammering away like a coffin-maker;for he wanted his supper. The alarming intelligence was no soonercommunicated by the bony apprentice with the thin legs, than thegirls tripped upstairs to Maria Lobbs's bed-room, and the male cousinand Nathaniel Pipkin were thrust into a couple of closets in thesitting-room, for want of any better places of concealment; and whenMaria Lobbs and the wicked little cousin had stowed them away, and putthe room to rights, they opened the street door to old Lobbs, who hadnever left off knocking since he first began.
"Now it did unfortunately happen that old Lobbs, being very hungry, wasmonstrous cross. Nathaniel Pipkin could hear him growling away like anold mastiff with a sore throat; and whenever the unfortunate apprenticewith the thin legs came into the room, so surely did old Lobbs commenceswearing at him in a most Saracenic and ferocious manner, thoughapparently with no other end or object than that of easing his bosomby the discharge of a few superfluous oaths. At length some supper,which had been warming up, was placed on the table, and then old Lobbsfell to, in regular style; and having made clear work of it in no time,kissed his daughter, and demanded his pipe.
"Nature had placed Nathaniel Pipkin's knees in very closejuxtaposition, but when he heard old Lobbs demand his pipe, theyknocked together, as if they were going to reduce each other to powder;for, depending from a couple of hooks, in the very closet in which hestood, was a large brown-stemmed, silver-bowled pipe, which pipe hehimself had seen in the mouth of old Lobbs, regularly every afternoonand evening, for the last five years. The two girls went downstairsfor the pipe, and upstairs for the pipe, and everywhere but where theyknew the pipe was, and old Lobbs stormed away meanwhile, in the mostwonderful manner. At last he thought of the closet, and walked up toit. It was of no use a little man like Nathaniel Pipkin pulling thedoor inwards, when a great strong fellow like old Lobbs was pullingit outwards. Old Lobbs gave it one tug, and open it flew, disclosingNathaniel Pipkin standing bolt upright inside, and shaking withapprehension from head to foot. Bless us! what an appalling look oldLobbs gave him, as he dragged him out by the collar, and held him atarm's length.
"_Open it flew, disclosing Nathaniel Pipkin_"]
"'Why, what the devil do you want here?' said old Lobbs, in a fearfulvoice.
"Nathaniel Pipkin could make no reply, so old Lobbs shook him backwardsand forwards, for two or three minutes, by way of arranging his ideasfor him.
"'What do you want here?' roared Lobbs. 'I suppose _you_ have comeafter my daughter, now?'
"Old Lobbs merely said this as a sneer: for he did not believe thatmortal presumption could have carried Nathaniel Pipkin so far. What washis indignation when that poor man replied:
"'Yes, I did, Mr. Lobbs. I did come after your daughter. I love her,Mr. Lobbs.'
"'Why, you snivelling, wry-faced, puny villain,' gasped old Lobbs,paralysed by the atrocious confession; 'what do you mean by that? Saythis to my face! Damme, I'll throttle you!'
"It is by no means improbable that old Lobbs would have carried thisthreat into execution, in the excess of his rage, if his arm had notbeen stayed by a very unexpected apparition, to wit, the male cousin,who, stepping out of his closet, and walking up to old Lobbs, said:
"'I cannot allow this harmless person, sir, who has been asked here,in some girlish frolic, to take upon himself, in a very noble manner,the fault (if fault it is) which I am guilty of, and am ready to avow._I_ love your daughter, sir; and _I_ am here for the purpose of meetingher.'
"Old Lobbs opened his eyes very wide at this, but not wider thanNathaniel Pipkin.
"'You did?' said Lobbs: at last finding breath to speak.
"'I did.'
"'And I forbade you this house, long ago.'
"'You did, or I should not have
been here, clandestinely, to-night.'
"I am sorry to record it of old Lobbs, but I think he would have struckthe cousin, if his pretty daughter, with her bright eyes swimming intears, had not clung to his arm.
"'Don't stop him, Maria,' said the young man: 'if he has the will tostrike me, let him. I would not hurt a hair of his grey head, for theriches of the world.'
"The old man cast down his eyes at this reproof, and they met those ofhis daughter. I have hinted once or twice before, that they were verybright eyes, and, though they were tearful now, their influence was byno means lessened. Old Lobbs turned his head away, as if to avoid beingpersuaded by them, when, as fortune would have it, he encountered theface of the wicked little cousin, who, half afraid for her brother,and half laughing at Nathaniel Pipkin, presented as bewitching anexpression of countenance, with a touch of shyness in it too, as anyman, old or young, need look upon. She drew her arm coaxingly throughthe old man's, and whispered something in his ear; and do what hewould, old Lobbs couldn't help breaking out into a smile, while a tearstole down his cheek at the same time.
"Five minutes after this, the girls were brought down from the bed-roomwith a great deal of giggling and modesty; and while the youngpeople were making themselves perfectly happy, old Lobbs got downthe pipe, and smoked it: and it was a remarkable circumstance aboutthat particular pipe of tobacco, that it was the most soothing anddelightful one he ever smoked.
"Nathaniel Pipkin thought it best to keep his own counsel, and by sodoing gradually rose into high favour with old Lobbs, who taught himto smoke in time; and they used to sit out in the garden on the fineevenings, for many years afterwards, smoking and drinking in greatstate. He soon recovered the effects of his attachment, for we findhis name in the parish register, as a witness to the marriage ofMaria Lobbs to her cousin; and it also appears, by reference to otherdocuments, that on the night of the wedding he was incarcerated in thevillage cage, for having, in a state of extreme intoxication, committedsundry excesses in the streets, in all of which he was aided andabetted by the bony apprentice with the thin legs."