‘And how well do you assess your abilities in your role as her father?’ he said, anger in his voice. He was protecting me but he didn’t know what he was up against. He’d barely met me but I felt he knew me better than anyone at this table. My eyes widened. I can’t believe he said that. I couldn’t look at anybody, I didn’t know what anybody was thinking.
‘How dare you speak to me like that,’ Father shouted and stood up. He was a tall man, and he seemed to be a giant beside us all at the table now that he was standing.
‘Samuel,’ Mum said quietly.
‘Lucy left her job because she wasn’t happy,’ Don continued. ‘I don’t see any harm in that.’
‘Lucy is never happy with work. Lucy is lazy. Lucy will never find anything to which she will feel the need to apply herself. She has never applied herself. She has walked away from everything which, and everyone who, has ever been of any use in her life. She wasted the good education we provided for her, she is living like a pig in a home the size of this room, she is a disappointment and a disgrace to the family name – as, clearly, seeing as you are her life, are you.’
Silchesters don’t cry. Silchesters don’t cry. Silchesters don’t cry. It was a mantra I had to repeat in my mind after each nasty word was spoken but I knew my paranoia was right, it was everything that I thought he felt about me and now he was saying it. To me and to the person he thought was my life but was actually a man that I had feelings for. It was beyond humiliating, it was beyond hurtful, it was the worst thing I think I had ever heard or endured. Worse than Blake leaving me, worse than losing every job I’d ever worked at.
‘I am tired of her behaviour, her constant failure to apply herself. We come from a long line of successes. Here in this very room Philip and Riley have shown themselves to be competent men and hard workers, whereas Lucy here has failed, time and time again, to reach the heights that we have given everything within our abilities for her to reach. Sheila, I have stood back and let the course which you have so believed to be right be carried out, but it is clear to see that when left to her own devices Lucy cannot find direction, so it is left to me to find it for her.’
‘Lucy isn’t a child,’ Don said. ‘She’s a grown woman. I think she’s well able to make her own decisions.’
‘And you, sir,’ my father raised his voice even more, so that I was sure it must be echoing through the valley, ‘are no longer welcome in my home.’
Silence. I could barely breathe.
His chair scraped across the wood as he pushed it back from the table. ‘It was lovely to meet you,’ he said gently. ‘Thank you for your hospitality. Lucy?’
He was asking me to leave with him and I wanted nothing more than to get out of the room but I couldn’t look up. I just couldn’t face anything or anyone. If I stayed still, maybe they’d forget I was there. I felt hot tears about to fall and I couldn’t do it, not in front of him, not in front of anybody, not ever, ever, ever.
‘I’ll show you out,’ my mother said, her voice a whisper. Her chair didn’t scrape on the wood, she lifted it just the appropriate amount in order to prevent that and she quietly left the room. When the door opened I saw Life in the hallway, ashen faced. I had let him down too.
‘Lucy, in my office now, we need to make a plan for you.’
I couldn’t look at anybody.
‘Your father is talking to you,’ my grandmother said.
‘Father, I think you should allow Lucy to finish her dinner and you can discuss it after,’ Riley said firmly.
Allow Lucy. Allow me.
‘Edith can warm it, this is of importance.’
‘Actually, I’m not hungry,’ I said quietly, still looking down at my plate.
‘You’re not a disappointment, Lucy,’ Riley said gently. ‘Father is worried about you, that’s all.’
‘I meant what I said,’ Father said, but he was sitting down now and his voice was no longer booming.
‘None of us think you are a disgrace. Lucy, look at me,’ Riley said again.
I couldn’t. Mum returned to the room but she didn’t sit down; she stayed at the door testing the environment, sticking her toe in to feel the temperature before diving in again.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, my voice trembling, ‘if I have been such a disappointment to you. Edith, thank you for dinner, sorry I can’t stay.’ I stood up.
‘Sit down,’ my father hissed. It was sharp, like a whip. ‘Sit down at once.’
I paused, then continued to make my way to the door. I couldn’t look at Mum as I passed her by and gently closed the door behind me.
Life and Don stood beside one another in the hallway staring at me.
‘Sorry I’m late,’ Life said. ‘The taxi got lost. Did I miss anything?’
‘Should I tell him where the Persian rug is?’ Don asked.
They both had wicked glints in their eyes but gentleness in their tone. They were trying to cheer me up. They at least made me smile.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
‘Don, I’m so sorry,’ I said straight away, ignoring my life for now. ‘It was a stupid stupid idea of mine.’ I was still shaken up. ‘I have no idea why I thought that would work.’
‘Relax,’ he said and I felt his hand on my back, rubbing me comfortingly. ‘Right after this you’re coming to my parents’ for dinner to pretend to be the long-term currently pregnant girlfriend that I’ve been pretending to have.’ I looked at him with fear. ‘Just joking,’ he smiled. ‘Though that would make their lives.’
The door to the Oak Room opened and all our heads turned. Mum appeared, her hand still on her chest as if that motion alone would bring her breath back, as if it was keeping all her emotions in check, caging her heart in so that it wouldn’t move, wouldn’t feel, would only pump to keep her alive and expressionless, and emotionless, and appropriate. ‘Lucy, sweetheart,’ she said, then took in the two men standing before her and after all her practising she said to Life, ‘Oh, hello. You must be the cleaner.’ The irony.
‘Actually, I’m the cleaner,’ Don said, remembering then to take off Riley’s jacket which was covering the magic carpet emblem on his T-shirt. ‘He’s Lucy’s life.’
‘Oh,’ she said taking him in, hand still on her chest. She didn’t seem embarrassed for mistaking Life for the carpet cleaner but she must have been.
‘Mum, this is Don,’ I said. ‘Don is a friend. He’s a kind friend who decided to step in at the last minute because our guest couldn’t make it and I didn’t want to let you all down. I’m sorry, Mum, I didn’t want to tell you that he couldn’t make it today, I could sense that you were excited.’
‘I’m sorry about that in there,’ Don said, humble and contrite.
‘It was my idea, I’m sorry,’ I apologised, still feeling shaky, feeling a little bit faint, wanting to just get out of there but not knowing how.
‘We should get you some tea,’ Edith said, suddenly at my side, which meant she’d been standing listening.
‘Yes, that’s a good idea.’ Mum finally spoke and I wasn’t sure if she needed it more for her or for me. ‘I’m Sheila, Lucy’s mum,’ she said, holding her hand out to my life. ‘It’s a pleasure to meet you. And Don,’ she smiled warmly, ‘it’s been lovely to have you in our home. I’m sorry the welcome was not warmer as it should have been, but you are still cordially invited to the wedding renewal ceremony.’
It was unbearable having to listen to the polite chit-chat that was now taking place. Edith was shaking hands with Life and Don and offering them tea and discussing biscuit types and from the way that Mum was talking I knew that she was trying to figure out if it was appropriate for Don actually to clean her carpet or if she should let him go. Then Life and Mum were talking about flowers for the ceremony and Don was looking at me. I knew this not because I was looking at him but because I could sense it from the corner of my eye. And all the while these conversations were going on I could hear my father’s words, loud and succinct in my head.
Life came cl
oser to me. ‘You told a really big lie.’
‘I’m not in the mood,’ I said quietly. ‘And anything you can say can’t make this moment any worse.’
‘I’m not trying to make it worse. I’m trying to make it better.’ Life cleared his throat and sensing something important Mum ended her conversation with Don and Edith.
‘Lucy feels that she’s never good enough for any of you.’
There was an uncomfortable silence and I felt my face flush but I knew I deserved it. A big lie deserved a big truth. ‘I have to go.’
‘Oh, Lucy.’ Mum looked at me, devastated, but then something snapped in her; the Silchester switch was flicked and she gave me a bright smile. ‘I’ll see you to the door.’
‘You didn’t deserve that,’ Life said from the passenger seat as we drove through the Wicklow mountains and back towards the motorway.
It was the first thing he’d said in the fifteen minutes we’d been in the car, in fact it was the first thing either of us had said since we’d got in the car. He hadn’t even tried to turn on the radio, which I appreciated because there was already enough noise in my head. It was mostly the sound of my father’s voice, his words being repeated over and over again and I was very sure there was no way that he and I could ever come back from that. He had said all that he said without difficulty, without emotion; sure, there was anger but it wasn’t driven by anything like hurt that would lead him to say things he didn’t mean. He meant every word of it and I bet he would back it up until the day he died. There was no going back. I hadn’t wanted Life to travel with me but he had insisted and I had wanted to get of there so urgently, I didn’t care if a Bengal tiger was in the back seat.
‘I got what I deserved, I told a lie.’
‘You deserved that alright, I mean, you didn’t deserve what your father said.’
I didn’t respond.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m not in the mood for deep psychological conversation, please.’
‘How about geographical then? You missed the turn for the motorway.’
‘Oh.’
‘I assume we’re going to Wexford now?’
‘No, we’re going home.’
‘What happened to finding the love of your life?’
‘Reality happened.’
‘Meaning …’
‘He’s moved on and I need to too.’
‘So are you going to call Don?’
‘No.’
‘Oh, so now you’re not good enough for anybody.’
I didn’t answer but I was shouting yes in my head.
‘What your dad said isn’t true, you know.’
I didn’t say anything.
‘Okay so I may have lost my temper with you earlier and I also may have said some unfair things.’
I looked at him.
‘Okay, I definitely did say some unfair things but I meant them.’
‘What kind of an apology is this?’
‘It’s not one. I’m just saying you shouldn’t have left your job before you had secured another one but that’s all, anything else your father had to say was untrue.’
‘I can’t pay my rent. I don’t even know if I have enough money to get us to Wexford in this heap of crap even if I did want to go. I haven’t got enough money to pay Don, which I most certainly am going to do. I should have stayed in the job for financial stability. I should have been looking for other work while in that job. That’s what I should have done. That would have been the responsible thing to do.’
He was silent which meant he agreed. I hadn’t been paying attention to the road, I took a wrong turn and found myself on a road I didn’t recognise. I did a U-turn and took the next right. Again it was unfamiliar territory. I turned in someone’s driveway, went back to the road. Looked left and right. I rested my head on the steering wheel.
‘I’m lost.’
I felt Life’s hand on my head. ‘Don’t worry, Lucy, you’ll find the right path, I’m here to help you.’
‘Well, have you got a map? Because I mean, geographically, I’m lost.’
He quickly removed his hand from my head and looked left and right. ‘Oh.’ Then he glanced at me. ‘You look tired.’
‘I am. I didn’t get much sleep last night.’
‘Too much information. Let me drive.’
‘No.’
‘Let me drive. You can lie down in the back seat and I’ll drive us home.’
‘I can’t stretch my arm in the back seat, never mind lie down.’
‘You know what I mean, have a rest. Switch off your mind for a while.’
‘Can you drive?’
He reached into his inside pocket and retrieved more paperwork. He offered it to me. I didn’t take it; I was too tired to read.
‘It allows me to drive any vehicle as long as it’s in keeping with the assistance and development of your life.’
‘Any vehicle?’
‘Any.’
‘Even motorbikes?’
‘Even motorbikes.’
‘Tractors?’
‘Even tractors.’
‘Quad bikes?’
‘Even quad bikes.’
‘What about boats, can you drive boats?’
He looked at me with exhaustion so I gave up. ‘Fine. He’s all yours.’ I got out of the car and tried to settle down in the back.
And so Life was in the driving seat.
I woke up with a crick in my neck, a headache from where my head had been pressed up and repeatedly thudded against the cold hard glass with every vibration and bump in the road, and my neck was stinging from where the seat belt had continuously rubbed against my bare skin. It took me a moment to realise where I was. In the car, with Life in the driving seat, and he was singing to Justin Bieber in a high-pitched voice that would rival any six-year-old boy who had just been punched in the balls.
It was dark outside which wasn’t particularly unusual as we had left Glendalough at eight p.m., and though it would take a normal car without psychological issues less than an hour to get to my apartment, it took the complex Sebastian longer. On a June summer’s night it wouldn’t become dark until ten so I was expecting a certain amount of darkness but not this. This was pitch black, which meant we had been travelling for a lot more than an hour, and I couldn’t see any lights apart from the occasional small oval in a porch or a square of light from a window in the distance, which meant we were not in Dublin city. Then we stopped moving but the engine kept running. We had arrived somewhere only we weren’t anywhere. I looked at Life, he had his iPhone out on the dashboard and was looking at his sat nav. Alarm bells rang. Seeming satisfied he indicated to nobody, because there wasn’t anybody; the car crept forward again and we maintained a steady speed once more. I leaned forward then and spoke in Life’s ear.
‘Where are we?’
‘Jesus!’ he shouted, startled, and he momentarily lost control of the wheel as he turned around to see who was shouting at him. The car went veering to the left, he quickly grabbed the wheel and swung it to the right, stopping us from dropping into a ditch just in time, only he pulled it too far to the right and sent us flying over to the opposite side of the road. Despite my seat belt I went flying to the left like a rag doll, and then was pushed forward into the seat ahead of me as we nosedived into a ditch.
Then we were still and it was silent, apart from Justin Bieber who was singing about his baby, baby, baby.
‘Uh-oh,’ Life said.
‘Uh-oh,’ I repeated, pulling the seat belt away from my body so it was no longer threatening to amputate me. ‘Uh-oh? We are stuck in the middle of a ditch, in the middle of nowhere, what the hell do you think you’re doing?’
‘You gave me a fright,’ he said, his pride wounded. ‘And anyway, we’re not in the middle of nowhere, we’re in the middle of Wexford.’ He turned to me. ‘Surprise. I’m helping you follow your dream.’
‘We are stuck in a ditch.’
‘Ironic, isn’t it?’ He fum
bled with his phone.
I battled with the seat belt to try and free myself from this downward position but it was stuck. ‘Can you reverse us out of this?’ I asked, full of frustration. The belt finally clicked, and unprepared, I went face first into the headrest in front of me, squishing my nose. I looked out the window. The only thing giving away our position was a house in the distance; I could see a few windows diagonally lit from my position.
‘You can’t reverse out of a ditch. At least not in this car. I think the problem was that I came off the motorway too early. Now let me see …’ he mumbled to himself while he fumbled with the sat nav again.
I pushed open the door. It opened a tiny slit but something behind the door on the other side prevented it from opening fully. It was so dark I couldn’t see out the window so I wound it down and stuck my head out. It was a tree that had come down and now lay there, a pile of complicated branches and dead leaves blocking my path. I reached up to the roof and pulled myself out of the car and onto the window ledge and then I tried to figure out how to get the rest of my body out. I tried to twist and take one bent leg out the window but it was complicated. I removed one hand from the roof to assist in squeezing my bent leg out of the open window. It wasn’t a good idea, because I lost my grip and I went flying backwards, out of the car and straight onto the tree, which hurt, a lot more than any pain I’d felt recently. Silchesters didn’t cry, but Silchesters did curse and scream to the high heavens. I heard a car door bang shut and Life was above me, looking down at me from the top of the ditch. He reached out his hand.
‘Are you okay?’
‘No,’ I grumbled. ‘How did you get out of the car?’
‘I just went out the other door.’
Oh. I hadn’t thought of that. I reached out and Life pulled me out of the ditch.
‘Did you break anything?’ he asked, spinning me around and checking my back. ‘Apart from the tree, that is?’
I jiggled around a little, shimmied a bit, tested out all my joints. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘If you can do that, trust me, you’re okay. Physically, anyway.’ He surveyed the car with his hands on his hips. ‘We’re not far from the B&B that I booked, we could walk it.’