Then, on with the dance! The joy is really unconfined, unformulated, unprognosticated. More hoochee koochee. Twenty-five song-and-dance installments to undress a pretty little Grand Street whore. Three-card monte. A medley of wisecracks. Ghost-walking done to uproarious mirth: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde a la Rube Goldberg. (No one suspects that Ben Ami is playing in English somewhere in the Tenderloin.)
Suddenly a brassy whang zam from the cymbals. A blanket of utter darkness, and then a cold blue spotlight accompanied by weird, exotic melodies from the woodwinds.
CLEO!!! DARLING OF THE GODS!
OH MOMMER!
Izzy, the gallery god, downy with adolescence, gangrened with puberty, grips the cold iron rail with clammy hands. Izzy can’t take his hands off the blood-red rose that hangs from Cleo’s girdle. Someday she’s goin’ to lose that rose! Someday Izzy’s gonna be there when it happens.
She’s coming now, Cleo, from the wings. First an arm, snakelike and sinuous, followed by a leg from the Parthenon, and then her head, expressive as a turnip. Izzy’s eyes are fastened upon her velvet torso. It swells and heaves like a green ocean billow. Izzy’s forehead is a champagne bottle beaded with sweat.
Naked and sexed, Cleo moves like a wraith in a violet light, She is a hundred times more radiant, more vivid, than any dream. The air reeks with the perfume of her armpits. Izzy wants to screech. The molten fluid in his green body is choking him. He puts forth two scrawny arms. He embraces her. He takes her to him and crushes her, like a boa constrictor. The sinews of his muscles are twisted into a rag carpet. He groans with intoxication. His mouth is wide open, the tongue cemented to the roof. Every pore, every cell of his downy, gangrened body opens to receive the drench of ambrosial pollen. Music, flesh, incense: a kaleidoscope of undulating passions flash before him. Keep it ap and Izzy will go cuckoo. This rot is too utterly utter....
And all the while not a muscle of Cleo’s face moves.
Of an instant, like a discharge of virulent pus, comes a frenetic crescendo from the pit. All of Cleo, from her generous breasts to her gleaming thighs, blazes forth with spasmic violence. Even the mollusks in the audience tremble and gasp before this grand whoop-la that seizes the torso with paroxysmal fury, shakes the cobwebs out of it, and subsides with volcanic tremors.
As the lights flash Cleo flees, drawing her iron filings into the wings. The Rosebuds, nothing daunted by this exhibition, are out front, wiggling hard. A mad stampede to the latrines follows.
Moloch and his troupe bridge the intermission by standing on the fire escape and peering through the dressing-room windows. The shades are up, and the windows partially open. Some one yells: “There’s Cleo!” But it isn’t Cleo. “It’s some other bum.”
The discussions on the fire escape and in the latrines are similar in character to those that take place daily in brokers’ offices, barber shops, and political clubs. The important (!) female members of the cast are carefully sifted and graded, and then classified according to this or that … chiefly that.
After the intermission an illustrated song is thrown upon the screen. Everyone sings: “In Life’s December, When Love Is an Ember”. Under cover of darkness the ushers get busy with squirt guns. Now the entire edifice has the aroma of a urinal.
The curtain rises upon a solitary figure. It is the straight man, dressed in a shepherd’s plaid suit. He is grave and sedate. He brings a message from the management. In the pose of a poet about to hurl a prologue into the uterus of the beyond he battens his straw hat over his diaphragm with flexible, gem-strewn fingers.... “Next week, with the aid of our inimitable comedian, Hal Rathbun, we will put over a corking good skit entitled ‘Pussy Café.’”
Moloch, who has heard this wheeze at frequent intervals ever since the year 1905, is so far lost in ruminations that the remainder of the show becomes a complete blank.
He fumbles in his empty pockets. The wad is gone. According to the galumphs who stand up in the pulpit every Sunday and yawp about the hereafter his mind should be easy. He is free of debt. But he doesn’t feel easy. He feels sore. To liquidate one’s debt is not like throwing one’s sins overboard He decides to walk out of the theater and leave the bunch flat. What the hell! He doesn’t owe them anything. .. .
Plunging at once into the stench of the East Side he gave himself up to reflections upon the white-haired matron of the rest room. Old age had given her a fallen womb. He wondered what her thoughts were as she sat in the rocker amid the odors of disinfectants and Woolworth perfumes. Were all women in the chorus diseased? He thought of Randy and his suet complex. A nice question … “Do we all turn into suet?” There was a barrel of suet—yes, indeedy—in Hal Rathbun’s bevy of Rosebuds. Take all excess fat, roll it into a ball, and you’d have enough fat for frying purposes to last the ordinary housewife a year. How about human fat? Fancy now, a vat of grease, of human grease, always on tap for weddings, banquets, clambakes, and so forth. … One of Hal Rathbun’s wisecracks perched on the front porch of his brain: “the sewer rat and I.” The expression carried no excess baggage with it. Imagine the Governor of South Carolina discussing his friend the governor of North Carolina and saying: “The sewer rat and I.” … If one were to dally with such ideas the brain might go on a jamboree and land up in the psychopathic ward.
Threading his way toward the Delancy Street Bridge was like going on a rampage with the Jukes and Kallikaks. Washlines and fire escapes made symphonies only in the minds of poets and ultramodern painters. What a trite melodrama! Reginald Pier-point Rockfeller, the villain, versus the Peepul of these United States, the meek and lowly, the disinherited, the homeless homers of the brave. To a physician the scene is apt to suggest a warfare between conflicting armies of microbes, with human bodies as battlefields and pestilence as high explosives. For him there is only one remedy: LYSOL.
Dion Moloch experienced a plethora of sensations. Foremost among them was an itching sensation such as is sometimes produced by lying naked on dry breadcrumbs.
Gordon Craig once took Ibsen’s Rosmersholm and gave it spiritual dimensions. Dion Moloch felt as though he had checked his soul at the National Winter Garden and was now delivering his bones to a enamel house. He tried to resurrect Cleo’s priapic devotions. No go. The streets swarmed with maggots, the air was alive with vermin. Here a nose was missing, there an eye stuck out like an abscess. Deformities pegged along, rheumy, bile-ridden, lopsided, and demented. He stepped aside to make way for an idiot. There was a look of agglutinated oatmeal on the face of this overgrown fetus. Moloch shuddered. “An ax!” he cried. “An ax!”
He came to the Williamsburg Bridge.
A blast of the sea air smote him on the cheek. He sucked the ozone into his system with great gasps. The bridge was deserted on the footpath. It looked gray and sanitary. It matched his thoughts. “In the morning,” he reflected aloud, “fetid tides of flesh will roll up and inundate this span; the beautiful steel girders will groan and creak with carrion, the entire edifice will crawl with human vermin, be drenched with garlic, sing with business.”
The old Fourteenth Ward was waiting to greet him on the other side of the bridge. Night and the stars had settled down on the old neighborhood, it was festooned with melancholy. In youth the homesite may be dilapidated and asthmatic, but never melancholy. His mind now was a whirlpool of recollections. Willy Maine danced a dervish for him. “Crazy Willy Maine.” A big shambling gawk with the brain of a tadpole, who used to crawl out on the shed of a Sunday morning, when the folks had gone to church, and exhibit himself in his undershirt. A thoroughly bestial exhibition which horrified the neighbors. “Bijork, bijork!” was the only utterance Crazy Willy Maine could articulate. There he would remain, on the shed overhanging the paint shop, carried away by his obscene divertissement, until his parents returned from church. The street gamins would shriek with hysterical glee. On the sly they fed this ape rotten bananas. Crazy Willy gobbled them up as if they were stuffed truffles. Later he would get an old-fashioned bellyache and scre
am at the top of his lungs: “Bijork! Bijork!”
Sunday mornings the old Fourteenth Ward usually opened up like a flower pot in Paine’s fireworks. By nine o’clock, at the corner of Driggs Avenue and North First Street, things began to happen. Willy Maine wasn’t the whole show. Silverstein, the tailor, generally crawled out of his scabby little shanty in his shirt sleeves, his suspenders flapping between his legs, and a pair of newly pressed pants slung over his arm to be delivered to Daly, the fishman. Johnny Paul, maybe, ducked into the saloon on the corner of Fillmore Place with a big glass pitcher hidden under the Sunday newspaper. When Johnny emerged he would wipe the foam off his lips—carefully, as if he were scooping gems into a casket. Soon Father O’Toole would come mincing along, a little bleary-eyed from Saturday night’s shindig. “Good morning, Mrs. Gorman,” says he, doffing his greasy lid. “Good morning, Father,” says Mrs. Gorman very respectfully. Her hubby’s drawers are hanging on the line in the backyard. “It’s a sin to go to mass without drawers,” yells the uxorious Mr. Gorman from the folding bed. “Sure, and it’s a greater sin to lie abed on Sunday morning,” shouts Mrs. Gorman, flopping about in her bed slippers and disturbing the neighborhood with her County Cork jabber.
By ten o’clock the ward heelers are out in full regalia, and William Jennings Bryan is sure to be the next President. Mike Pirosso is up on the roof, shooing his pigeons away with a piece of bunting stuck on the end of a long swaying pole. If he didn’t have his pigeons to look after he’d go nuts tending the fruit stand all day and night…. In the old days a man could get along with just pigeons for relaxation. A man didn’t have to go to the movies or break his neck getting nowhere in a tin buggy. Shucks! What if he did rush the growler a few times on Sunday? It made him feel good. It made him a public-spirited citizen, a man capable of voting the Democratic ticket.
Moloch had not yet cleared the South Side in his walk. He was making a beeline along Driggs Avenue. His thoughts flew ahead of him like motorcycle police escorting a rubber-tire cavalade. The Novelty Theatre loomed up, full of scars and rhodomon-tade. He saluted it in the name of Topsy and Denman Thompson. Corse Payton came later in his life, and not at the Novelty. The ten-twenty-thirty god was only a faint image now. The last time he remembered seeing him was at the bar of the Wolcott Hotel, Thirty-first Street near Fifth Avenue (somewhat out of bounds for this matinee idol); he was sipping his hot toddy to stimulate his hepatic cells. Corse Payton always had one unshakable conviction. That was that Shakespeare was the greatest genius who ever lived. To prove it, he would recite at any hour of the day or night Polonius’s advice to Laertes.
Corse Payton, Larry Carroll, Pat McCarren: the best sprig of shamrock that was ever worn in Williamsburg’s frock coat. When any of this trinity ambled along the thoroughfare there was life. It was years later that the North Side and the South Side became moth-eaten. But in that day men like old man Martin flourished. Professor Martin, if you please! Professor of bugology. Roach and rodent exterminator for the best hotels in New York. Worked single-handed, with a pair of ferrets and a concoction of powders invented out of his own head. When the Professor came reeling along Driggs Avenue, scattering coins, his red nose gleaming like the setting sun, you knew that God had found an answer to the Asiatic scourge. Professor Martin was a big man in a world that teemed with rodents. He commanded a high price. A bit of a blowhard, too, but a damned good spender. He threw fortunes across the bar. When he spoke of cigars, he said: “Yesterday I bought thirty-five hundred Havana cigars, at two hundred dollars the thousand.” On Saturday nights he referred to his cigars in carload lots, and less carload. You can bet your bottom dollar there were no pikers in the Fourteenth Ward … except a few Dutchmen. And, as everyone admitted with a smile, the only time that the Germans got ahead of the Irish was on St. Patrick’s Day, when the band led the parade.
Moloch hot-footed it from one corner to another. North First Street was simply a broken actor. Not a sign of life. Not even a “Commit No Nuisance” sign, such as Sauer used to have hanging on his property. He stood peering in the basement of Sauer’s old store. The familiar smell of leather came back to him … queer, big chunks of leather that used to lie curled up on the counter like slumbering Angoras.
He sat down on the curb in front of Miss O’Melio’s house, drinking in every detail of the red brick house opposite. On the top floor were the windows he used to wash every Friday as soon as school was out. What a job! All the kids could see him from the street… the little pet washing Mamma’s windows. From the top-floor windows he was able, once upon a time, to look down on Miss O’Melio’s low roof, where she fed her army of stray cats. All the cats in Williamsburg were on that roof at feeding time. What ever put that bug in her head? Is that what happens to a woman when she can’t get a man?
And underneath the pussy-cat sanitarium was the veterinary’s. Always something going on at Dr. Kinney’s establishment. Somedays the whole street smelled of iodoform. He had a fresh, clear vision of a horse pegged to the ground just inside the low archway; a man was sitting on the animal’s shoulders, holding a big rag to its nose. When he grew up and went to college he realized that the operations he used to witness in Dr. Kinney’s establishment were for purposes of castration. It dawned on him one day as he sat listening to a lecture on Spinoza.... “Now a horse,” he thought, “hasn’t any philosophy to give up. When a horse is gelded his joys and troubles are over. After that his only concern is oats … bushels of oats.”
Well, and what was his concern right now? To get to bed, or prepare for eternity? He made a grimace, got up, stretched, and looked up at the roof of Miss O’Melio’s. There wasn’t even the ghost of a cat in evidence. After the Williamsburg Bridge was thrown open, and the Exodus commenced, even the cats were ashamed to remain in the old neighborhood.
He walked along morosely, taking his own sweet time. He didn’t care a hang about sleep. His illusions, speaking figuratively, were wrapped in a neat paper bundle marked “Fragile.” Thoughts about Blanche hovered in the offing; they stood off, these thoughts, at a respectful distance—in the way that mourners behave when they at last comprehend the tremendous grief of those about to witness the body of their loved ones lowered into the deep hole. Down, down, into the slimy pit, down into eternal darkness and worm-eaten corruption.
It wasn’t that he felt he had made a mess of his life. It was rather that life had made a mess of him.... “He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved.” … The Bible for you! What had baptism to do with it? One might with equal reason ordain: “Only vegetarians admitted.” What about maggots, then? Where would they come off? Or didn’t maggots have souls? What sort of soul would Crazy Willy Maine deliver at the Golden Gate? Perhaps there were compartments in Heaven just as in Continental trains … first, second, and third class. “Garlic eaters stand on the platform!”
He was passing the old Presbyterian Church. When, as a child, he had memorized the Twenty-third Psalm (it was a little worn-out, that psalm!) he was obliged to recite it to the white-haired minister. The minister used an ear trumpet to catch the words which he knew backwards “He maketh the lame to walk, the deaf to hear.” (Drunkards and harlots given a thorough cleansing.) The thought of that silly old pfoof cutting up didoes with his fool trumpet made Senor Moloch savage. “Put up that trumpet,” he shouted, hoping that his voice would carry across the valley of death, “and tell me whether the streets are paved with gold.”
Silly stuff, talking that way in the middle of the night, with Williamsburg so silent, Pat McCarren dead and buried, and Larry Carroll’s saloon looking like a morgue. But he had an insane notion to ask that dried-up centenarian with the ear trumpet to tell him what happened to all the dead horses that used to swell up and lie in their own filth in the middle of the street until the wagon came and took their bloated carcasses away When a horse swelled up, he stank. (Worse than a dead senator!) It didn’t matter whether he was a racehorse once, or attached to a brewery wagon. They all stank at the finish.... br />
There was Teves, the funeral director. Just passed his place a minute ago. A nice, quiet little place next door to the Chinese laundry. Teves was always open for a game of pinochle, always waiting for new cadavers … for fresh orders, as it were. Sometimes they’d interrupt Teves in the middle of a good hand. It never made Teves sore, though. There were lots of good hands in a pinochle deck. You couldn’t expect him to sit tight and say, like Jesus—”Let the dead bury their dead.” Somebody had to be on hand all the time to shovel them under. Otherwise there’d be a helluva stink.
At the Bridge Plaza, Moloch borrowed a nickel from a newsboy. The boy didn’t ask him for his name and address, nor did Moloch promise to mail him the five cents in penny stamps.
He took a Broadway train, marked “Cypress Hills,” and settled down to chew the cud of reminiscences. It was a long ride, with two changes. The changes were uneventful. At the second change he got into an empty car and had his pick of discarded newspapers. He picked up a Morning World.
It was customary for him to take a squint each morning at the advertising section because sometimes the newspapers omitted to print the Great American Telegraph Company’s want ads. Of course, they always got a rebate for these oversights, what good was a rebate if they had no applicants for “messengers from 16 to 21 on a piecework basis, good earnings, some make as high as $25 a week,” etc.?