Rosa and Heath had been good enough parents to her, but part of her always felt like they were too busy loving each other to really love her. Not the way she needed. Not after everything she’d been through. It didn’t help that Maria had always felt like she’d disappeared into Rosa’s shadow.
A lot of people told cute stories about how they’d come to Fate Mountain. But Maria’s story was anything but cute. It was a permanent black mark on her soul that she still hadn't been able to shake. Since being turned into a feral animal, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was defective. She'd been marked by fate to be broken, and she had to accept it.
She poured more water over her tea and drank down the warm brew. Her stomach was full of whatever kill her beast had made the night before. After finishing her tea, she stood. Today was a good day to scavenge.
Maria left the cave, taking in a deep breath of the morning air, letting it fill her lungs to capacity. She let the breath out and told herself again it was going to be a good day. She was determined to find something special at the campground that would make the trek worth the energy. She started off down the deer trail on the border of national forest land in a secluded part of the mountain. She wasn't sure exactly who owned the land or where the boundaries of the park were, but she was almost positive no one would ever find her in her cave.
The hike down the mountain was treacherous, but with her new shifter agility and strength, she made it to the campground with the speed of a trained athlete.
She crouched at the perimeter of the campground, hiding behind a stand of crowded willows by a stream. At this time of day, many of the campers were leaving. She could look through the things they had left behind.
She stood from her crouching position and walked around the thick bushes to skirt the edge of the campground. She walked behind the sites and glanced up the trails that led to each one, checking to see if the campers had left yet. The first two campsites she passed were still occupied, so she continued until she found one that was empty.
Jogging up the trail, she felt a rush of excitement that she might find something good. She didn't want the campground authorities to know of her presence, so she had to be careful. Maria hurried to the cabinet the campground provided to protect food from animals and swung open the door. She gasped, unable to believe her luck.
There was a can opener and four cans. One can of corn, two of beans and one of peas. She quickly grabbed each item and shoved it in a pillowcase she’d scavenged on a previous trip.
Maria quickly closed the door and left the campsite. In the next several sites she checked, she found a damp towel, a bar of soap and a muddy wool blanket. The wool blanket was so filthy and heavy she was afraid she might not be able to carry it back to her cave.
She rolled it up and slung it over her shoulder, determined to make it work. The trek up the mountain to her cave took longer than the trek down, but she made it home before the sun faded into evening. She flung the towel and the blanket over a taut line of rope she used for laundry and let them sit there until she could wash them out later.
Maria arranged the cans on her stone shelf and admired them for several moments before turning to start her fire back up. She had a rusty cast-iron pan that she had spent an entire day washing out and curing with fire and deer fat. She set it over her fire and opened a can of corn.
It had been a while since she'd had carbohydrates. Her body craved it and her stomach grumbled. After she'd heated the corn in some deer fat, she scooped it into her mouth with a wooden spoon with a broken handle. It was delicious and filled her stomach with warmth. She felt a mild sense of satisfaction rise to her chest and she sighed.
A smile curved on her lips and for a moment she felt kind of okay. Then her mind wandered back to Saw Bear. She knew she could never have him. Her small victories helped her make it through the day, but they also reminded her that she could never let herself get too comfortable. Happiness and satisfaction only led to wanting more. More love, more acceptance, more hope. But Maria no longer had any hope.
Chapter 3
There was nothing like the smell of freshly cut timber in the morning. The sounds of a classic rock guitar blared in Buck's ears under his protective earmuffs. He pulled the levers on his timber harvester, slicing the saw through the wide trunk of a tall pine tree. He gripped the tree with the claw and used the de-limber to clean the branches from the trunk. He turned the claw, holding the freshly cut log and placed it on his front loader.
Since Buck had taken over timber production and management on Timber Bear Ranch six years ago, they'd had a yearly increase in profits. He’d replanted several stands that were already growing lush and strong and would be ready to harvest again in another ten years.
He'd had experts come out to consult him on the process of managing the land, and he knew from their assessment that his process was working quite well. They’d suggested he optimize his production by growing his own saplings, and it was on his to-do list to learn how next year.
He took pride in his work and it made him feel good to be useful to his clan. Even after his oldest brother, Leland, left the ranch following the aftermath of the Great War, Buck had continued doing what he had always done. Worked hard.
He had never really been the leader like Leland, but he had always kept his head down and provided something of service to his clan. That was what he was doing now, instead of searching for his lost mate. Even though Maria’s disappearance had been killing him, he had to keep going. Buck had responsibilities.
When the classic rock playlist came to an end, he turned off the harvester and pulled off his protective earmuffs. Buck jumped from the machine and grabbed his lunch box. Setting his protective earmuffs on the seat of his harvester, he flipped through his phone, looking for his favorite lunchtime playlist. When Buck worked, he liked to listen to classic rock. When he ate his lunch, he preferred classical music like Mozart or Chopin.
Buck took his lunch box and sat on a moss-covered log. He listened to a piano concerto by Beethoven and poured coffee from his thermos into the lid as a mug. Taking a long sip of coffee, he closed his eyes as piano music lilted in his ears.
With a satisfied sigh, he unwrapped his sandwich from the wax paper wrapping and took a bite. It was turkey, bacon, lettuce, and tomato. A good meal after a long morning of work was always truly satisfying.
He kept his music low so he could hear the sounds of the forest as he ate. Songbirds chirped above him in the canopy, adding notes to the music in his ears. It was a lovely day with a bright blue sky overhead. Air wafted across his sweaty brow, cooling him down. When he finished his lunch, he started back to his harvester. Before he could make it, he heard the distinct sound of a mountain lion wailing somewhere close by.
The growling was so ferocious that it sent a chill up Buck’s spine. He'd never heard an animal wail quite like that before. He placed his lunch box on the seat of the harvester and went to investigate.
In a thicket between some huckleberry bushes and a twisted mass of fallen tree roots, he witnessed a female mountain lion, tearing apart a dead deer in such a frenzy of fangs, claws, screams and blood that Buck almost lost his lunch. He sniffed the air, scenting the strange lioness.
She wasn't an animal. She was a shifter. His inner bear urged him to investigate further. The scent of the lioness was intoxicating. His bear rumbled and growled inside him unintelligibly, agitated and confused.
Buck inched into the clearing, his curiosity edging out his common sense. He shouldn't approach a crazed shifter over her kill, no matter how enticing her scent might be. The closer he got, the stronger the scent became. His grizzly paced back and forth inside his mind, angry and growling. The beast’s massive paws scratched against the backs of Buck’s eyes. He drew closer to the lioness, the scent becoming overpowering. All at once, he knew who she was.
“Maria?” he said, coming closer.
The lioness looked up at him, curling her lips back over her bloodied teeth. He
r eyes blazed yellow and crazed as she shrieked at him, crouching and ready to pounce. His mouth dropped and his instinct kicked in right as her muscles coiled and sprung, launching her into the air right at him.
He growled and shifted, ripping his clothes apart. He landed on his massive paws in front of her, knocking her back as she attacked him. The lioness was small compared to his own animal.
The grizzly didn’t want to hurt his mate, but he couldn’t help but swipe her away with his paw when she dove at him again. The poor little creature went tumbling back and landed on her side. He recoiled, worried. His bear eyes widened as he let out a concerned grunt.
He stepped closer, sniffing the air and trying to sense if she was injured. The mountain lioness sprang to her feet and screeched at him, ready to pounce. He couldn't believe she wanted to attack again when he could hurt her so easily. The crazed little animal didn't seem to care that it was an uneven fight. She sprang at him and he groaned and turned to the side, taking the force of her impact with his flank.
She bit down at him and he turned quickly, knocking her off of him. Her teeth had broken the skin, and her claws had scratched his side, leaving a bloodied gash. He began to back away, hurt, frustrated and confused. He let out a long, annoyed groan as he took several steps backward.
He held his ground, sitting on his haunches and crossing his arms. The lioness hadn't had enough and wouldn't back down. She paced back and forth several yards away, biding her time and growling. Buck continued to sit there, inspecting her, his arms crossed and his bottom lip hanging open. He moaned questioningly at her, showing her his teeth.
He'd hoped that it would get her to stop this strange behavior, but it did just the opposite. She ran at him at full speed and lunged at his throat.
Buck shot to his feet and stepped aside, turning on the creature with a bloodcurdling growl. He roared so loudly, it echoed through the forest. He put every ounce of strength, will and dominance through himself and into the wild little lioness before him. With every bit of mate bond they might share, he told her, “Shift.”
The lioness stopped in her tracks, wailing and flailing. In the span of a breath, she retracted in on herself and changed right before his eyes into a tiny, beautiful girl; naked, bloodied and shivering in the shadows of the forest.
He quickly shifted and sank to his knees beside her, not sure if he should touch her or keep his distance. All he wanted was to gather her in his arms and take away the that pain had caused her to act that way. But he didn’t dare. They hadn't even exchanged introductions.
“Maria?” he said, sitting on his knees above her on the forest floor. “Are you all right?”
“Saw Bear?” she asked, looking up at him for the first time.
Her dark hair was matted with blood and hung in damp clumps around her face. He felt ashamed to see her naked like this and all he wanted was to cover her and re-affirm her humanity. He grabbed the shredded remnants of his flannel shirt and slung it around her shoulders, realizing that he himself was completely exposed. He slid into his shredded jeans for a loincloth to keep his nakedness from her. Then he sat with her again, careful to give her space.
“What are you doing here?” she asked. “This is my territory.”
“This is Timber Bear Ranch land,” he corrected.
“This is your land?” She shook her head with confusion.
“Timber Bear Ranch belongs to my clan.”
“Oh,” she said and then went silent.
“Why did you text me we could never meet?” he asked softly, trying to catch her eye.
“Because…” she said, as if it was self-explanatory.
“What happened that night at the Institute?”
“How did I come out of my shift?” she asked, obviously disoriented.
“I forced you out,” he said softly, not wanting to intimidate her.
But it didn't matter. He could already see the frightened look growing in her eyes as she pulled away from his touch.
“You forced me out of my shift?” she asked as if she had been violated.
“I had to. You wouldn’t stop attacking me,” he explained.
“I'm sorry about that.”
“It doesn't matter. All I care about is you. I'll take you back to my house at the ranch. You can take a bath and have a decent meal. And then we can talk about what happened to you.”
“That's not going to happen,” she said, looking away. “I can’t go back with you.”
“Yes you can.”
“No,” she said angrily, rising to her full height. “I am staying in the forest for the rest of my life. You and I cannot be together.”
“I can help you with your animal,” Buck said softly as he stood.
“You can't help me Saw Bear. No one can help me.”
“My name is Buck, Buck Kincaid.”
“Well Buck, it was nice meeting you. But I have to be going now.”
Chapter 4
“Wait a minute,” he said, grabbing her arm.
She turned to glare at him and yanked her arm away, incredulous that he had tried to stop her. The lioness growled behind her eyes almost constantly. She hissed and snarled at Buck’s touch. Maria deflated, her need and vulnerability battling with the inner beast's refusal to accept human contact.
“Sorry,” she said, seeing his face falling.
She hated that she had to do this to him, but she didn't have a choice. Buck was a good man. It was written all over him. He didn't deserve to be stuck with an animal like her. She knew it was best for everyone if she just made him leave her alone.
“I just don't like to be touched anymore.”
“At least show me where you're staying,” he pleaded.
She turned back to him and looked up into his eyes. She could see his pain and need. His protectiveness rolled off him in waves. It made her beast recoil, but it made the woman in her feel weak in the knees. She needed him so very much. She couldn't let him close, or she would destroy them both.
“Okay, I'll show you where I live, but you have to leave right after that,” she said.
“Fair enough.”
She nodded her head at him once and started down the trail. She walked the rest of the way to her cave with Buck's shirt draping down her sides and hitting just above her knees. It reminded her of what a big man he was. It smelled of him too. His scent was just making her even more confused.
His grizzly was bigger than her lion and he had somehow forced her out of her shift. She could remember those last few seconds before she’d come out of her lion form. She remembered the look in Buck’s grizzly's eyes and the feeling of his power rolling over her, forcing her out of her animal form. It had been such a visceral force on her beast that she had been powerless to resist.
She hated that he had more power over her animal than she did. Maria could not leave the mountain until she could make her own beast obey. She would never let anyone else take that from her. Not even Buck.
They walked into her cave and she stepped behind the curtain she had hung across one side of the small rocky space. She pulled on her big wool knit sweater and her baggy sweatpants with her fur-lined boots. She came back into the main room of the cave and twisted her hair up into a bun. It was caked with blood and mud again, but she couldn't do anything about that now. She would have to wait to wash it out another time.
Maria knelt by the fire pit and began to light some kindling. Buck looked around her cave, his eyes wide and his lips tight, his arms crossed over his chest. Buck sat beside her near the fire pit on a stack of dusty pillows and crossed his legs on the ground. She finished lighting the fire and had it roaring before she added water to her pot and placed it on the metal rack over the flames.
“I can make us some tea,” she said, throwing her mixture of roots and berries into two chipped coffee mugs.
“Thank you,” Buck said as if he were at a tea party at some nice lady’s house.
Maria raised an eyebrow as she poured the steaming water ov
er the tea. She let it seep for a few minutes and then handed the cup to Buck. He took a tentative sip and smiled.
“This is good,” he said, nodding politely.
She sipped her tea, crossing her arms tightly over her body. It was hard to stay warm in the cave and as the days and weeks rolled on, she continued to lose weight where she needed it most.
“You don't really want to stay here. Do you?” Buck asked.
“This is my home now,” she said, taking another sip of tea and staring into space.
The smoke from the fire wafted out through the entrance and filtered through the trees. She let out a deep sigh and stared back at Buck, her lioness raging through her eyes.
“Of course I don't want to stay here. But I have to stay out here. I’m a feral shifter. I'm dangerous to everyone I come in contact with. Including you. Look at the marks on your chest. I did that. You may need stitches.”
“I’m a shifter; this will heal in twenty minutes,” he said, looking down at the scratches on his shoulder and chest.
“That isn’t the point. What if it had been a child, or a human... or a human child?”
“Why would you attack a human child?”
“That's a good question!” she snapped back.
“Maria,” he said in a soft voice. “I’m here to help you. I’m your mate. We belong together. Your problems are mine. I’m here for you one hundred percent. I will never ever leave you, and I will never stop trying to protect you. You have to believe that.”
“You can't protect me, Buck. No one can. No one ever has. I'm not going to let anyone ever hurt me again. It’s now my job to protect others from me. I won’t hurt anyone ever again either.”
Tears started to stream down her face, and she set her cup on the rocky ground to cover her eyes. She didn't want Buck to see her cry. She didn't want him to think she was weak. She was trying to protect him. Why didn't he understand that? If she couldn't get her beast under control, she would never let herself be with him. She didn't deserve it. She was damaged goods.