The feeling I felt now was loosely similar to how it felt when Carlisle or Esme praised me beyond what I deserved. Similar, but more intense, more consuming.
Sell stupid somewhere else--there's nothing better than that face! Unless it's his body. Swoon. "Is that possible? " Jessica giggled.
Bella didn't turn. She continued to stare into the distance, ignoring Jessica.
A normal person would be gloating. Maybe if I keep the questions simple. Ha ha. Like I'm talking to a kindergartener. "So you like him, then? "
I was rigid again.
Bella didn't look at Jessica. "Yes."
"I mean, do you really like him? "
"Yes."
Look at that blush!
I was.
"How much do you like him? " Jessica demanded.
The English room could have gone up in flames and I wouldn't have noticed.
Bella's face was bright red now--I could almost feel the heat from the mental picture.
"Too much, " she whispered. "More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that."
Shoot! What did Mr. Varner just ask? "Um--which number, Mr. Varner? "
It was good that Jessica could no longer quiz Bella. I needed a minute.
What on earth was that girl thinking now? More than he likes me? How did she come up with that! But I don't see how I can help that! What was that supposed to mean? I couldn't fit a rational explanation to the words. They were practically senseless.
It seemed I couldn't take anything for granted. Obvious things, things that made perfect sense, somehow got twisted up and turned backwards in that bizarre brain of hers. More than he likes me? Maybe I shouldn't rule out the institution just yet.
I glared at the clock, gritting my teeth. How could mere minutes feel so impossibly long to an immortal? Where was my perspective?
My jaw was tight throughout Mr. Varner's entire trigonometry lesson. I heard more of that than the lecture in my own class. Bella and Jessica didn't speak again, but Jessica peeked at Bella several times, and once her face was brilliant scarlet again for no apparent reason.
Lunch couldn't come fast enough.
I wasn't sure if Jessica would get some of the answers I was waiting for when the class was over, but Bella was quicker than she was.
As soon as the bell sounded, Bella turned to Jessica.
"In English, Mike asked me if you said anything about Monday night, " Bella said, a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. I understood this for what is was--offence as the best defense.
Mike asked about me? Joy made Jessica's mind suddenly unguarded, softer, without its usual snide edge. "You're kidding! What did you say? "
"I told him you said you had a lot of fun--and he looked pleased."
"Tell me exactly what he said, and your exact answer!"
That was all I was going to get from Jessica today, clearly. Bella was smiling like she was thinking the same thing. Like she'd won the round.
Well, lunch would be another story. I would have better success with getting answers out of her than Jessica, I would make sure of that.
I could hardly bear to check in occasionally with Jessica through the fourth hour. I had no patience for her obsessive thoughts of Mike Newton. I'd had more than enough of him in the last two weeks. He was lucky to be alive.
I moved apathetically through gym class with Alice, the way we always moved when it came to physical activity with humans. She was my teammate, naturally. It was the first day of badminton. I sighed with boredom, swinging the racket in slow motion to tap the birdie back to the other side. Lauren Mallory was on the other team; she missed. Alice was twirling her racket like a baton, staring at the ceiling.
We all hated gym, Emmett especially. Throwing games was an affront to his personal philosophy. Gym seemed worse today than usual--I felt just as irritated as Emmett always did.
Before my head could explode with impatience, Coach Clapp called the games and sent us out early. I was ridiculously grateful that he'd skipped breakfast--a fresh attempt to diet--and the consequent hunger had him in a hurry to leave campus to find a greasy lunch somewhere. He promised himself he would start over tomorrow...
This gave me enough time to get to the math building before Bella's class ended.
Enjoy yourself, Alice thought as she headed off to meet Jasper. Just a few days more to be patient. I suppose you won't say hi to Bella for me, will you?
I shook my head, exasperated. Were all psychics so smug?
FYI, it's going to be sunny on both sides of the sound this weekend. You might want to rearrange your plans.
I sighed as I continued in the opposite direction. Smug, but definitely useful.
I leaned against the wall by the door, waiting. I was close enough that I could hear Jessica's voice through the bricks as well as her thoughts.
"You're not sitting with us today, are you?" She looks all...lit up. I bet there's tons she didn't tell me.
"I don't think so," Bella answered, oddly unsure.
Hadn't I promised to spend lunch with her? What was she thinking?
They came out of the class together, and both girls' eyes widened when they saw me. But I could only hear Jessica.
Nice. Wow. Oh, yeah, there's more going on here than she's telling me. Maybe I'll call her tonight... Or maybe I shouldn't encourage her. Huh. I hope he moves past her in a hurry. Mike is cute but...wow.
"See you later, Bella."
Bella walked toward me, pausing a step away, still unsure. Her skin was pink across her cheekbones.
I knew her well enough now to be sure that there was no fear behind her hesitation. Apparently, this was about some gulf she imagined between her feelings and mine. More than he likes me. Absurd!
"Hello," I said, my voice a tad curt.
Her face got brighter. "Hi."
She didn't seem inclined to say anything else, so I led the way to the cafeteria and she walked silently beside me.
The jacket had worked--her scent was not the blow it usually was. It was just an intensification of the pain I already felt. I could ignore it more easily than I once would have believed possible.
Bella was restless as we waited in line, toying absently with the zipper on her jacket and shifting nervously from foot to foot. She glanced at me often, but whenever she met my gaze, she looked down as if she were embarrassed. Was this because so many people were staring at us? Maybe she could hear the loud whispers--the gossip was verbal as well as mental today.
Or maybe she realized, from my expression, that she was in trouble.
She didn't say anything until I was assembling her lunch. I didn't know what she liked--not yet--so I grabbed one of everything.
"What are you doing?" she hissed in a low voice. "You're not getting all that for me?"
I shook my head, and shoved the tray up to the register. "Half is for me, of course."
She raised one eyebrow skeptically, but said nothing more as I paid for the food and escorted her to the table we'd sat at last week before her disastrous experience with blood typing. It seemed like much more than a few days. Everything was different now.
She sat across from me again. I pushed the tray toward her.
"Take whatever you want," I encouraged.
She picked up an apple and twisted it in her hands, a speculative look on her face.
"I'm curious."
What a surprise.
"What would you do if someone dared you to eat food?" she continued in a low voice that wouldn't carry to human ears. Immortal ears were another matter, if those ears were paying attention. I probably should have mentioned something to them earlier...
"You're always curious," I complained. Oh well. It wasn't like I hadn't had to eat before. It was part of the charade. An unpleasant part.
I reached for the closest thing, and held her eyes while I bite off a small bite of whatever it was. Without looking, I couldn't tell. It was as slimy and chunky and repulsive as any other human food. I chewed swiftly an
d swallowed, trying to keep the grimace off my face. The gob of food moved slowly and uncomfortably down my throat. I sighed as I thought of how I would have to choke it back up later. Disgusting.
Bella's expression was shocked. Impressed.
I wanted to roll my eyes. Of course we would have perfected such deceptions.
"If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?"
Her nose wrinkled and she smiled. "I did once...on a dare. It wasn't so bad."
I laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."
They look cozy, don't they? Good body language. I'll give Bella my take later. He's leaning toward her just the way he should, if he's interested. He looks interested. He looks...perfect. Jessica sighed. Yum.
I met Jessica's curious eyes, and she looked away nervously, giggling to the girl next to her.
Hmmm. Probably better to stick to Mike. Reality, not fantasy...
"Jessica's analyzing everything I do," I informed Bella. "She'll break it down for you later."
I pushed the plate of food back towards her--pizza, I realized--wondering how best to begin. My former frustration flared as the words repeated in my head: More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that.
She took a bite from the same slice of pizza. It amazed me how trusting she was. Of course, she didn't know I was poisonous--not that sharing food would hurt her. Still, I expected her to treat me differently. As something other. She never did--at least, not in a negative way...
I would start off gently.
"So the waitress was pretty, was she?"
She raised the eyebrow again. "You really didn't notice?"
As if any woman could hope to capture my attention from Bella. Absurd, again.
"No. I wasn't paying attention. I had a lot on my mind." Not the least of which had been the soft cling of her thin blouse...
Good thing she'd worn that ugly sweater today.
"Poor girl," Bella said, smiling.
She liked that I hadn't found the waitress interesting in any way. I could understand that. How many times had I imagined crippling Mike Newton in the biology room?
She couldn't honestly believe that her human feelings, the fruition of seventeen short mortal years, could be stronger than the immortal passions that had been building up in me for a century.
"Something you said to Jessica..." I couldn't keep my voice casual. "Well, it bothers me."
She was immediately on the defensive. "I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers."
Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves, that was the saying.
"I warned you I would be listening," I reminded her.
"And I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking."
Ah, she was thinking of when I'd made her cry. Remorse made my voice thicker. "You did. You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking-- everything. I just wish...that you wouldn't be thinking some things."
More half-lies. I knew I shouldn't want her to care about me. But I did. Of course I did.
"That's quite a distinction," she grumbled, scowling at me.
"But that's not really the point at the moment."
"Then what is?"
She leaned toward me, her hand cupped lightly around her throat. It drew my eye--distracted me. How soft that skin must feel...
Focus, I commanded myself.
"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" I asked. The question sounded ridiculous to me, like the words were scrambled.
Her eyes were wide, her breathing stopped. Then she looked away, blinking quickly. Her breath came in a low gasp.
"You're doing it again," she murmured.
"What?"
"Dazzling me," she admitted, meeting my eyes warily.
"Oh." Hmm. I wasn't quite sure what to do about that. Nor was I sure that I didn't want to dazzle her. I was still thrilled that I could. But it wasn't helping the progression of the conversation.
"It's not your fault." She sighed. "You can't help it."
"Are you going to answer my question?" I demanded.
She stared at the table. "Yes."
That was all she said.
"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" I asked impatiently.
"Yes, I really think that," she said without looking up. There was a faint undertone of sadness in her voice. She blushed again, and her teeth moved unconsciously to worry her lip.
Abruptly, I realized that this was very hard for her to admit, because she truly believed it. And I was no better than that coward, Mike, asking for her to confirm her feelings before I'd confirmed my own. It didn't matter that I felt I'd make my side abundantly clear. It hadn't gotten through to her, and so I had no excuse.
"You're wrong," I promised. She must hear the tenderness in my voice.
Bella looked up to me, her eyes opaque, giving nothing away. "You can't know that," she whispered.
She thought that I was underestimating her feelings because I couldn't hear her thoughts. But, in truth, the problem was that she was underestimating mine.
"What makes you think so?" I wondered.
She stared back at me, the furrow between her brows, biting her lips. For the millionth time, I wished desperately that I could just hear her.
I was about to beg her to tell me what thought she was struggling with, but she held up a finger to keep me from speaking.
"Let me think," she requested.
As long as she was simply organizing her thoughts, I could be patient.
Or I could pretend to be.
She pressed her hands together, twining and untwining her slender fingers. She was watching her hands as if they belonged to someone else while she spoke.
"Well, aside from the obvious," she murmured. "Sometimes... I can't be sure--I don't know how to read minds--but sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else." She didn't look up.
She'd caught that, had she? Did she realize that it was only weakness and selfishness that kept me here? Did she think less of me for that?
"Perceptive," I breathed, and then watched in horror as pain twisted her expression. I hurried to contradict her assumption. "That's exactly why you're wrong, though--" I began, and then I paused, remembering the first words of her explanation. They bothered me, though I wasn't sure I understood exactly. "What do you mean, 'the obvious'?"
"Well, look at me," she said.
I was looking. All I ever did was look at her. What did she mean?
"I'm absolutely ordinary," she explained. "Well, except for the bad things like all the near death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. And look at you." She fanned the air toward me, like she was making some point so obvious it wasn't worth spelling out.
She thought she was ordinary? She thought that I was somehow preferable to her? In whose estimation? Silly, narrow-minded, blind humans like Jessica or Ms. Cope? How could she not realize that she was the most beautiful...most exquisite... Those words weren't even enough.
And she had no idea.
"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know," I told her. "I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things..." I laughed humorlessly. I did not find the evil fate who haunted her comical. The clumsiness, however, was sort of funny. Endearing. Would she believe me if I told her she was beautiful, inside and out? Perhaps she would find corroboration more persuasive. "But you didn't hear what every human male was thinking on your first day."
Ah, the hope, the thrill, the eagerness of those thoughts. The speed with which they'd turned to impossible fantasies. Impossible, because she wanted none of them.
I was the one she said yes to.
My smile must have been smug.
Her face was blank with surprise. "I don't believe it," she mumbled.
"Trust me just this once--you are the opposite of ordinary."
Her existence alone was
excuse enough to justify the creation of the entire world.
She wasn't used to compliments, I could see that. Another thing she would just have to get used to. She flushed, and changed the subject. "But I'm not saying goodbye."
"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it..." Would I ever be unselfish enough to do the right thing? I shook my head in despair. I would have to find the strength. She deserved a life. Not what Alice had seen coming for her. "If leaving is the right thing to do..." And it had to be the right thing, didn't it? There was no reckless angel. Bella didn't belong with me. "Then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."
As I said the words, I willed them to be true.
She glared at me. Somehow, my words had angered her. "And you don't think I would do the same?" she demanded furiously.
So furious--so soft and so fragile. How could she ever hurt anyone? "You'd never have to make the choice," I told her, depressed anew by the wide difference between us.
She stared at me, concern replacing the anger in her eyes and bringing out the little pucker between them.
There was something truly wrong with the order of the universe if someone so good and so breakable did not merit a guardian angel to keep her out of trouble.
Well, I thought with dark humor, at least she has a guardian vampire.
I smiled. How I loved my excuse to stay. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."
She smiled, too. "No one has tried to do away with me today," she said lightly, and then her face turned speculative for half a second before her eyes went opaque again.
"Yet," I added dryly.
"Yet," she agreed to my surprise. I'd expected her to deny any need for protection.
How could he? That selfish jackass! How could he do this to us? Rosalie's piercing mental shriek broke through my concentration.
"Easy, Rose," I heard Emmett whisper from across the cafeteria. His arm was around her shoulders, holding her tight into his side--restraining her.
Sorry, Edward, Alice thought guiltily. She could tell Bella knew too much from your conversation...and, well, it would have been worse if I hadn't told her the truth right away. Trust me on that.
I winced at the mental picture that followed, at what would have happened if I'd told Rosalie that Bella knew I was a vampire at home, where Rosalie didn't have a facade to keep up. I'd have to hide my Aston Martin somewhere out of state if she didn't calm down by the time school was over. The sight of my favorite car, mangled and burning, was upsetting--though I knew I'd earned the retribution.