“Did you know this?” Mom turned her attention on Keegan, her voice still shrill. “Did you know this, and you kept it from us?”
“Austin wouldn’t be alive if I’d known about this! But you’re making this worse, she’s probably terrified and you yelling is stressing her out!”
“Don’t tell me how to react to this situation! Don’t you dare! Get out of the room!”
“Mom, I’m pissed too! I’m forcing myself not to leave this house because I know I’ll go hunt Austin down. But we need to calm down for Reagan! If she’s pregnant, this isn’t going to help the baby.”
Mom gripped my desk like she needed it to stay standing. Even though her voice wavered, she never stopped screaming. “She can’t be pregnant . . . Reagan, you can’t be pregnant!”
Even though Keegan was trying to calm the room, my dad was the only one that hadn’t spoken and not crying. I looked at him, hoping for something from him. Anything. But his eyes were still glued to my stomach. “Dad . . .?”
He slowly looked up at me, his face still showing how horrified he was. “I can’t even look at you right now. You’re not my daughter.”
“Daddy!” I choked out when he turned and left the room.
“Dad!” Keegan barked, his hold on me tightening.
“Why would you let this happen?”
I looked back to my mom when her now-soft voice reached me. Somehow, my heart continued to break even more when I saw the disappointment in her eyes.
“This can’t be happening,” she said, and then turned to quickly leave my room.
I collapsed into Keegan’s arms, and was surprised at the force of my next round of sobs. I hadn’t expected my family to be happy, but even my worst fears hadn’t been prepared for that. We’d heard the front door slam shut just a few minutes after Mom had left my room, and from her pleas as she called him over and over again, I’d known he left.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled hours later when my tears had run dry. Keegan hadn’t once left my side. “I’m so sorry.”
He kissed the top of my head and hugged me tighter. “I’m sorry, Ray. I—I can’t believe this either, but you know I’m always here for you. They’ll come around, they’re just shocked right now.”
“They hate me.”
“No they don’t. You just need to wait until they process it.” I didn’t respond, because I didn’t believe him. A few minutes later, he asked, “Does Austin know?”
I nodded my head and told him everything that had happened that afternoon. I didn’t cry again, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to cry again. My voice was robotic as I replayed the conversation, and I didn’t flinch when Keegan’s hard voice swore again that he would kill Austin. I knew he wouldn’t, but I had no doubt that he would do something.
Keegan held me until I fell asleep on his shoulder from the exhaustion of the day. When I woke, it was dark in my room, but I could still make out my dad’s shape as he sat on the edge of my bed, his back to me, one of his hands gripping mine. I didn’t move, or give any indication that I’d woken. To be honest, I was afraid of what he’d say to me now.
He hunched in on himself, and his hands tightened around mine. And for the first time in my life, I watched my dad as he cried.
Chapter 1
Six and a half years later . . .
Reagan
BENDING DOWN TO kiss my son’s head, I straightened and tiptoed out of his room, shutting the door behind me. Grabbing my phone, I called my mom as I went around the apartment picking up the toys Parker had received for his sixth birthday.
“Hi, sweetheart!”
“Hey, Mom,” I huffed as I dropped everything into his toy chest, and let the lid shut. “Parker passed out playing.”
Her soft laugh filled the phone. “I bet, today was crazy. Did he have fun?”
“Understatement. ‘Fun’ is an understatement. Thank you for everything you did to help, he really did have a blast, and he loved his presents.”
“Good, I’m glad. What are you going to do for the rest of the night? Did you want to come over for brunch tomorrow?”
I smiled as I waited for the next words that would come from her.
“I just hate that you two are so far away.”
Laughing, I plopped down on the couch and stretched out. “It’s not even a ten minute drive!”
“But you’re all alone, and ten minutes is a long time in case of an emergency.”
“Mom, I love you, we’re fine. I’m just going to watch TV until I’m tired, and, yes, brunch tomorrow sounds great.”
There was a beat of silence before she said, “You’re always welcome to bring someone, honey.”
I suppressed a groan. I knew she was just looking out for Parker and me, but I didn’t need—or want—a man in my life.
There hadn’t been anyone since Austin had given me an ultimatum of being together, or keeping Parker. There hadn’t been a need for a guy. I knew no one would want a child at my age, and I had my family. Even though the first day of my family knowing had been intense—well, really, the first week had been—my family had supported my decision to keep the baby, and had been there for me through everything. Keegan had gone to Austin’s that first night and beaten the shit out of him. Austin and his parents hadn’t pressed charges when Keegan told his parents about our break up, and Austin hadn’t said a word to me since.
I’d continued going to school, and when rumors had started flying about my growing belly, Austin had told all our friends that I’d cheated on him. He’d taken another beating from Keegan for that, but I’d never tried to stop the rumors. Like I’d done in our last minutes together, I’d refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he’d hurt me.
I refused to let anyone see how much they were hurting me.
With help from my mom, I’d finished out the rest of high school, and graduated with a 3.9 GPA. Even though my parents encouraged me to go to college, I’d decided against it and had immediately began looking for a job that could support my son and me. I’d started at the bottom of a local business, and had slowly worked my way up over the last six years. Within six months of graduating, Parker and I moved into the apartment we still lived in, and I’d fought my mom on putting him in daycare.
She’d won.
She watched him while I worked, but I paid her just as much as the nicest daycare in the city charged. I wasn’t stupid, though, I knew she was “secretly” putting the money in a college account for Parker. But Dad had made me promise I wouldn’t let on the fact that I knew, so I’d kept paying her, and Parker had continued going to her house five days a week until he’d gone into Kindergarten this last year.
My life was perfect. My son was healthy and incredibly smart, he and I both had a great relationship with my parents and brother, and I was supporting us well enough that we lived in a great complex and I could give him whatever he wanted. Eh, well, to an extent. But why mess that up by throwing a guy in the picture?
“Mom, I’m not bringing anyone.”
“You need a man in your life . . . Parker needs a dad.”
Damn it. I hated when she involved Parker . . . she knew how that got to me. “He has Keegan and Dad.”
“Keegan only comes home every other weekend if he’s not deployed.”
Keegan had joined the Army after deciding college wasn’t for him two years in. I was so proud of him for doing something with his life. “And he’s getting out soon, so he’ll be around more.”
“I know you can do this on your own, Reagan. But that doesn’t mean you have to or should.”
“Dating would be exhausting for me . . . and I don’t want to put Parker through that.” I chewed on my bottom lip for a second as I debated whether or not I should voice my fears. With a hard breath, I told her the rest quickly. “Austin didn’t want him, I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I let someone into our life and he decided he didn’t want Parker either.”
“Reagan,” she said, her voice wavering. “They won?
??t all be like him.”
“I know, I just—I’m not ready for that possibility. You know? I can take the rejection . . . just not if they reject him.”
“I understand, sweetheart. I really do. But I’ll never stop praying for the perfect man for you and Parker.”
I wanted to tell her that even if he was out there, I probably wouldn’t give him the time of day; but the way she was talking broke my heart, so I kept my mouth shut. I knew everyone in my family wanted that for Parker and me, and it’s not that I didn’t want that for us either. I just couldn’t imagine myself taking that leap of faith in someone else. Someone that could potentially ruin us forever.
Coen
“SACO, MAN, YOU can’t let her fucking do this to you. It’s your fucking kid, she can’t just keep him from you.”
“What am I supposed to do? Try to get custody of him from my own wife? I’ve never even seen him before. I was gone through Liv’s pregnancy, the delivery, and for the first five months of his life. No judge is going to grant me custody.”
“So you’re actually going to listen to her? This is bullshit.”
“I know, Steele, but I have no choice. I need to be able to see my son. I’m already waiting on this realtor to go look at some places. I’ll call you when I have news, yeah?”
“Yeah, all right. Sorry this is happening, man, I really am.”
“Me too.” An exhausted sigh sounded through the phone. “Later.”
I pressed END, and looked over at Hudson. “His bitch wife is making him buy them a house before she’ll let him meet their son.”
“The fuck?” Hudson, said and lowered himself into a chair. “Can she do that?”
I shrugged and tossed my phone onto my dresser. “Apparently, because he’s meeting with a realtor.”
Our friend, Brody Saco, had gotten out of the Army not even a week ago. He’d been planning on making this a career, but all that had changed when his girl from back home wound up pregnant. He’d married her immediately, and ever since, she’d refused to see him or let him meet their son . . . and it’d been a year since their wedding. I could respect him for taking responsibility, but we all felt bad for him because he was the only one that couldn’t see she was just dragging him through the mud.
“What are you doing this weekend?” Hudson asked me, and it was then I noticed he was shoving some clothes in a backpack.
“Got some shoots booked in the area. You heading home?”
He nodded as he continued packing. “Yeah, I missed my nephew’s birthday last weekend, I need to go see him and my sister.”
“All right, I’ll see you when you get back.”
“If you don’t feel like coming back to base between your shoots, hit me up, you can stay at my parents place or something.”
I laughed and shook my head. “Nah, I’m good. Thanks though.”
Hudson stopped at the door, and a knowing look crossed his face. “Try to get some sleep.”
“Uh . . . yeah. I’ll do that.”
He knew better than anyone that wouldn’t be happening. I was lucky if I got two hours in a night. If I didn’t have photos I could edit during those long hours, I would go insane.
Once he was gone, I made sure everything was charged, and packed up all my equipment before heading out to the studio I had about forty minutes from base. I had a few photo shoots set up for the night—some with friends, and one with a new client. The shoots, along with the editing and wedding I was covering tomorrow, would keep me busy throughout the weekend. Busy was how I liked my life. How I preferred it. It kept me from remembering things I wished I’d never seen.
TWO WEEKS LATER, I walked into the room I’d been sharing with Hudson for the last few years, and stood there staring at everything for a few minutes. Today was bittersweet. It was a day I’d been waiting on for months now, and at the same time, a day I couldn’t have prepared for.
I’d been in the Army for almost six years, and like Saco, I’d been prepared to make this a career. But with my photography business taking off and demanding more of my time, I’d had to make a decision. The Army was all I’d known since I turned eighteen, but in the last year, I’d started realizing that photography was more than a hobby; it was my passion.
I hadn’t thought I was getting out for another month or so, but I’d gotten the call this morning and had spent the next handful of hours in an office waiting, and then signing my separation papers. Typical “Hurry up and wait”, and then, “Surprise, fucker!” bullshit for the military. Like I should have expected anything else.
Halfway through throwing everything in my bags, and moving my camera equipment out to my car, Hudson came back.
“Man, with you and Saco gone, it’s gonna be boring as shit until I get out of here too.”
“Aww, you’re gonna miss me? Touched, bro, really am. But I told you, I don’t swing that way,” I joked with him as I grabbed more of my stuff.
“Fuck off, Steele. You know what I meant. Whatever, though, I’ll be out of here soon.”
“Are you going to get a place with your girl?”
Hudson fell onto his bed and stretched out. “Probably, it’d just be easier that way. But I don’t know if she really wants to move half an hour away. I mean, I know its not far, but her job is close to here, and I need to be close to my sister.”
Out of all the things we’d talked about through the years, his sister wasn’t one of them. All I knew was if he wasn’t sticking around base on the weekends so he could see his girlfriend, he was going home so he could be near his sister and her son. “I’ve never asked because I figured you’d tell me if you wanted me to know. But what is it with your sister that always has you going home?”
He thought for a few minutes before responding. “Reagan just needs me. She’d never admit that, she’s stubborn and independent as shit; but she needs me. We’ve always been close, but she got pregnant when she was sixteen, and her asshole boyfriend told her to have an abortion or he was leaving her.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah, obviously he’s not in the picture anymore, but all her friends ditched her, and she only had our parents and me on her side after that. She’s done well for herself and is an awesome mom, but she thinks she has to do this all alone. Like I said, stubborn and independent. The only guys around her son are my dad and me, and he’s six now. He needs male role models in his life, you know?”
“Understand. That sucks for her, though.”
My mom had had me when she was a teenager as well, but had given me up for adoption as soon as I’d been born. I’d never resented her, because I’d grown up in a great family . . . and obviously she couldn’t have given me that. That didn’t stop me from wondering why she hadn’t tried. So hearing about Reagan had me impressed with her drive, and I’d never even met her.
“That it does”—Hudson’s voice interrupted my thoughts—“so are you moving back home?”
“Ahh, nah. I don’t think so. I miss California and all, but I’d miss my studio. I have a lot of clients here that I can keep using, and I’d miss the location. Colorado is a lot nicer to look at and shoot in than where I grew up.”
Hudson laughed, “I bet. Well, where you gonna stay? I know you weren’t expecting to get out today.”
“I’ll just crash in my studio until I find a place, no big deal.”
“You sure? I can call one of my buddies.”
“Appreciate it, man, but for what? So I can not sleep on their couch? I have couches in the studio if I need to pass out.”
He looked at me for a few moments before saying, “You should really talk to someone. They could help.”
I knew he was looking out for me, but I hated when people said shit like that. I didn’t need help. “I have nothing to say to anyone, there’s no point.”
Sensing my unease with the conversation, Hudson held up his hands like he was surrendering and changed the subject. “Well your studio is close to where my family is and where I’ll be looking for a p
lace when I get out. So let’s grab some beers when you’re not busy, all right? Actually, I’m heading home this weekend, want to go out and celebrate your civilian status tonight?”
“Civilian,” I huffed and shook my head. “Fuck this is gonna be weird. I don’t know if I remember how to be a civilian.”
“It’ll be easier than you think, I’m sure.”
I somehow doubted that. Grabbing the last of my bags, I looked over at him and nodded. “Yeah, let’s go out tonight. Call me when you head into the city, I’m gonna take everything to the studio and look at the places around there for a few hours.”
“Will do, see you later.”
With one last look at the room, I turned and headed out of the barracks to start my new civilian life. Jesus Christ that was going to take some getting used to.
About the Author
MOLLY McADAMS grew up in California but now lives in the ohso-amazing state of Texas with her husband and furry four-legged daughters. Her hobbies include hiking, snowboarding, traveling, and long walks on the beach . . . which roughly translates to being a homebody and dishing out movie quotes with her hubby, or hiding in her writing cave trying to get her characters’ stories out.
www.mollysmcadams.com
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Also by Molly McAdams
Forgiving Lies
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From Ashes
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Credits
Cover design by Julia Gang
Cover photograph © by Emely/cultura/Corbis
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.