For my part, I wasn’t unhappy about the changes Haylee was making for herself daily. There was so much about her now that I didn’t want associated with me. I was hoping that our classmates, and especially our teachers, would see the differences and start thinking of us not as twins but instead as just two ordinary sisters. It got so that I wouldn’t smile when someone commented on how alike we were. “We’re really not,” I began to risk saying. Although Haylee didn’t believe it, especially now, I wanted to develop my own identity as much as, if not more than, she did. I was confident that anyone who spent any time with us would eventually see the differences in our changing personalities.
For one thing, Haylee was becoming more sarcastic and egotistical. The way she spoke to our teachers often got her reprimanded. When Mother was told about something Haylee had done or said, she would lecture us both, and when a punishment was levied, even now that we were older, we both still endured it. If she couldn’t go to a movie, I couldn’t. It was no good complaining about how it wasn’t fair. We were to look after each other, weren’t we? Reluctantly, I tried to do just that, but Haylee was no longer listening to me or was simply ridiculing my warnings in front of other girls.
Haylee didn’t work as hard on our schoolwork as I did, but I had to do what I could to help her keep up. If we had a reading assignment, I had to explain it to her before we stepped into class, and because we were still seated close to each other, we had developed ways to share answers on tests. I wanted to stop, but I was afraid of Mother’s reaction to Haylee falling so far behind me. Because I was doing well, she would blame it on me and see it as evidence that I wasn’t being a “special” sister.
Ironically, the luckiest thing to happen from Haylee’s point of view was my growing interest in Matt Tesler and his interest in me. Haylee was usually jealous of any attention boys gave me, even ones neither of us would ever want to date when we were finally permitted to date. Some of them called me to talk about schoolwork and, I knew, to see if that would lead to anything else. I didn’t encourage any of them until Matt began to call.
There was nothing glamorous about Matt Tesler. He was about an inch taller than we were, and although he dressed neatly and never looked sloppy, he wore plain, solid-colored shirts and dark blue jeans, clothes that Haylee called monotonous. She didn’t like his short, almost military haircut, either. At the time, he was one of the top five students in our class. He preferred exercising on his own, especially biking, and was well built but never went out for any school teams, even though the coaches tried to get him to do so.
It was easy to see why they wanted him. In gym class, he was as skilled as anyone else when it came to basketball fundamentals or soccer and baseball, but he was smart, too, and could easily be a team’s playmaker or captain. His lack of interest was annoying to other boys at school, but I liked his indifference, not only to the pursuit of personal glory on the sports stage but also to the social rejection. He seemed more mature, and that caused me to want to know more about him. Why wasn’t he like every other boy? What had happened in his life to make him the way he was?
Haylee wouldn’t give him the time of day, and every time she saw me talking to him, she complained as if it was hurting her reputation.
“He’s a few floors below nerd,” she said. “Who wants to talk about computers or the environment? He thinks Taylor Swift is some kind of cheese,” she added in front of other girls, who all laughed.
At first, I liked the fact that she wasn’t interested in Matt. If I had shown the slightest interest in any other boy at school, she was at him so aggressively that she usually turned him off both of us. After a while, I avoided saying anything nice about any of the boys, but Matt was different. I sensed that what some others, especially Haylee, viewed as snobbery was really his greater stability and self-confidence.
He had a sister in the fourth grade, and his parents were both professionals. His father was the head of radiology at Pennsylvania General, and his mother was vice president in charge of commercial loans at Stuyvesant National. The gate in the wall he put up between himself and most of the students at our school gradually opened wider when it came to me, especially this year. At first, we talked mostly about our schoolwork, but we were soon exchanging opinions about almost everything. I discovered he had eclectic interests in music, authors, and movies. He loved jazz and had recordings of the greats, and yet he could also talk about some new song that had attracted his interest. I knew some of the older teachers liked talking with him about music and classic movies.
Despite her opinion of him, I suspected that Haylee never really looked at Matt. She never realized how blue his eyes were. She never saw his smile the way I did. When she made up her mind about someone, she wouldn’t change it. I tried not to talk him up too much. If she saw how much I really liked him, she would do something to ruin our relationship for sure. But suddenly, as my interest in him became clearer, she realized how she could take advantage of it.
I knew she was plotting something when she came into my room to thank me for helping her with the math quiz. Usually, she treated whatever help I gave her with schoolwork as something expected, what Mother had early on described as “sisterly.” That Mother didn’t see how much Haylee took advantage of that surprised me. She was so keen and perceptive when it came to almost everything else about us.
“I know you really like Matt Tesler,” Haylee began, after she had flopped onto my bed. She liked walking around in just her bra and panties now, especially when Mother wasn’t around. “You’d love to have sex for the first time with him, wouldn’t you?”
“I’m not thinking of it like that, Haylee.”
“Sure you are. I don’t blame you, and I wouldn’t tell Mother if you did,” she said. “Just like you wouldn’t tell if I did.” She looked sharply at me to see my reaction.
“We’re supposed to tell her if either of us is with a boy who might get us to do it,” I reminded her.
She sat up and pounded her thighs the way Mother would when she was displeased with something. “You’ve got to stop being such a goody-goody. Everyone is making fun of us because of how you are. No one wants to invite us to anything good because of you. They think you’ll tell on them, Kaylee. You probably would. You tell Mother every little thing as it is.”
“I only tell her what she wants to know. It makes things easier for us both.”
“She wants to know too much! Jesus,” she said, pouting. “Having you as a sister is like walking around with a bowling ball chained to my ankle. Maybe Mother doesn’t notice how ignorant you are when it comes to sex.”
“I am not.”
“You didn’t tell me you masturbated when I told you I did,” she charged. I was a little shocked that she assumed it to be true. “Well? Did you?”
“Yes, but not in so many words. You didn’t listen.”
“Well, if you did, you were too embarrassed about it to just say it. How was I to know you had turned it into a . . . a metaphor?”
I nodded, smiling. “At least you’re remembering our English literature lessons.”
“Very funny. So? Were you dreaming of Matt Tesler when you did it? Confess at least to me. I’m not telling Mother, Kaylee.”
“Maybe,” I admitted.
“Okay.” Suddenly, she calmed down and smiled, which to me sounded warning bells. “This is the deal. We’ll get Mother to finally let us go on a double date. You’ll go with Matt, and I’ll go with Jimmy Jackson. We’ll say we’re going to the movies, but we’ll go to Jimmy’s house. It’s all planned,” she added, as if that was that. She got up to leave.
“Matt hasn’t asked me to go on a date.”
“Well, get him to. When we discuss it with Mother, I’ll talk up how great he is, and you’ll talk up Jimmy.” She paused in the doorway. “If you don’t, I’ll tell Mother that Matt Tesler wanted me to do it with him and now he’s trying to get you to,” she threatened. “She won’t even let you talk to him on the phone.”
/> She smiled and left, her threat hanging in the air like a rotten odor. I sat back on my bed and folded my arms under my breasts. Ironically, Haylee was driving me to do something I had wanted to do anyway. Actually, I was wondering why Matt hadn’t been more aggressive about it. It was disappointing. Sometimes I had the sense that he was about to ask me to meet him somewhere, maybe at the mall or a movie, but he didn’t. Was he just shy, or didn’t he like me the way I hoped? He wasn’t pursuing any other girl. Could it be that he didn’t like girls?
Before she went to sleep and again as soon as we rose and were off to school, Haylee reminded me that she wanted our double date to happen this coming weekend. It had to, because Jimmy’s parents were going to be away overnight, and he would have the house to himself.
“Mother wouldn’t let us go there if she knew that,” I told her.
“So? I’m not telling her, and you’re not, either.”
“She might check or find out later.”
“We’ll tell her we didn’t know.”
“I don’t lie as well as you do, Haylee, especially to Mother.”
“Well, improve,” she said with a laugh.
I was still undecided about how to get Matt to ask me on a date. I was afraid that if I was the one to suggest it, he might think less of me. As it turned out, neither of us had to be courageous about it. Haylee and Jimmy approached us while we were talking in the hallway before going to lunch.
“Hey, you two,” Jimmy began. I could see from the expression on Haylee’s face that she had put him up to whatever he was going to say. I held my breath. “My parents are visiting my aunt Friday night. I was thinking of having a little party with just the four of us, maybe. Can you come?” he asked, mainly addressing Matt.
Matt quickly looked at me. I didn’t say anything. He had to be the one to speak, I thought.
“I can,” he said. “Kaylee?”
“She can,” Haylee answered for me, “if I can, and I can.”
“We haven’t asked Mother yet,” I reminded her.
“So we will . . . together,” she emphasized.
“Great. We’ll order in some pizzas,” Jimmy said. “Nothing formal,” he told Matt, and walked off laughing with Haylee.
“He’s not my favorite guy,” Matt said. “Are you sure about this?”
“If you are,” I replied, and he smiled.
“Okay. We’ll do it for the cause.”
“What cause?” I asked.
“Us,” he said, smiling.
I didn’t know whether what I was feeling was what Mother had described as arousal, but it did feel good.
Now I was more nervous than ever about asking Mother to let us go to Jimmy’s house. I decided Haylee could take the lead. She was, after all, better than I was at deception.
“It’s a party with all our friends,” Haylee began. “We’re going to help make the cheese dips and stuff,” she added, which was a nice touch. Mother had taught us how to make different things in the kitchen almost as soon as we could reach the counter. When we were ten, we would help her prepare dinner. She made sure that we alternated responsibilities like making salads, peeling potatoes, or stirring soups and cake batters.
“Jimmy Jackson,” Mother said, thinking. “His father is an accountant?”
“Yes, Mother,” I said, because she was looking to me for that answer.
“Doesn’t his mother work in the public library?”
“And she makes Jimmy read all the time,” Haylee offered. “Can we go?”
“May we go,” Mother corrected. She had such a suspicious look on her face that I felt certain she would be calling the Jacksons, but suddenly, she relaxed. “I don’t want to hear about any drinking,” she said.
“Oh, Jimmy’s parents are very strict about that, right, Kaylee?”
“Yes,” I said. I wasn’t sure if they were or not, so it didn’t seem like a big lie to tell.
“How late can we stay, Mother?” Haylee asked.
“I’ll be there at eleven . . . thirty,” she said, adding thirty minutes to our usual curfew.
“Thank you, Mother,” Haylee said quickly, and looked at me.
“Thank you, Mother,” I said.
That was on a Tuesday. On Wednesday, she walked into the great room where we waited and announced that she and Daddy would be getting a divorce. The reality of what had been building in our house finally settled on Haylee’s face. She looked at me and matched my sad and frightened expression.
Mother hugged us both and then sat across from us. We were on the settee as usual, sitting side by side.
“It’s for sure?” I asked.
“Oh, yes. It’s for sure,” Mother said. She gave us a weak smile before she continued. “I know the two of you have noticed how long and how often your father has avoided you and me, especially these past few months. I have done my best to protect you from the ugly truth.”
“What ugly truth?” Haylee asked, because Mother paused so long, and her face went from anger to sadness and then back to anger.
“Your father has been with another woman, a woman who has her own child from another marriage, too. Apparently, he’s been a better father to her daughter than he has been to you.”
“Why?” Haylee asked.
Now Mother smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile. It was a smile full of anger. “Why? Men more than women are always looking to see if the grass is greener somewhere else.”
“Grass?” Haylee looked at me.
Did I dare explain?
“Attention deficit disorder,” Mother said, which did nothing to help Haylee understand. “He has wandering eyes. He always did, even before you were born, but I tolerated it. His pleasure is so important to him that he’d even sacrifice being with you. You’ll understand more when you are older.”
“But you always told us we should look for a man like Daddy,” Haylee said.
“And I regret that now. I was trying to make this a happy home, despite his . . . indifference.”
Haylee looked at me, but I just stared ahead, pushing my thoughts back like someone trying to keep a spring from popping out of a mattress.
“Anyway, it’s beyond understanding at this point. I had to get a lawyer, who has met with your father’s lawyer, and we’ve agreed on a settlement. I will have full custody of you. He can visit on certain days, but until you’re eighteen, you will not stay with him.”
“He agreed to that?” I asked.
“Oh, he didn’t have much choice,” Mother said with a cold smile.
“Where is he?” I asked.
“He’s moved in with his concubine.”
“What’s that?” Haylee asked first.
“A whore,” Mother said bitterly. She stared ahead, looking through us, and then her eyes seemed to snap, and she sat forward. “Nothing will change for us. In fact, you might not even notice a difference. We’ll talk more about it, but for now, that’s enough.”
She rose. Then she lunged forward to hug us, before turning to go make dinner.
Haylee looked even more upset than I did, but it wasn’t until later that I learned that was because she thought Mother might now change her mind about letting us go to Jimmy Jackson’s house.
7
I suppose people would say there could never be anything “normal” about identical twins, and now, being the children of divorced parents seemed to confirm it. If anything, once our classmates learned that our parents were divorcing, it was bound to lead to more teasing and hurtful remarks, like “Which one will live with your father, or doesn’t it make a difference? Maybe he wouldn’t know which one of you was living with him.”
None of this seemed to upset Haylee nearly as much as it did me. I could almost say it didn’t bother her at all. She was so busy planning our social life that she deliberately ignored what was happening at home. The reality did eventually settle in with her, but she was determined not to let it depress her before or during the date at Jimmy Jackson’s house. She constantly work
ed to build up expectations for me and for herself.
“We’ve never been alone with boys, Kaylee. There are no jealous friends to interfere and no chaperones with their disapproving eyes. It’s like maturing overnight!”
I couldn’t really blame her for being more excited than any other girl our age might be. Mother had hovered over us for so long and so firmly, ready to pounce if either of us violated one of the strict rules she had imposed not only on our behavior but also on our very thoughts.
Nevertheless, it was difficult for me to get enthusiastic about a party, even a small, private one, because I was so down about what was happening between our parents. Haylee kept at me about my lack of excitement. After school on Thursday, she finally came into my room, her eyes full of that blazing anger I had long ago nicknamed Haylee’s Comet.
I was lying there thinking and wondering how bad Daddy really felt about it all. He had yet to ask to see us to discuss it and defend himself, and he couldn’t telephone one of us without telephoning the other. Mother’s point about us not noticing much difference in our lives wasn’t so far-fetched. Daddy had been diminishing his involvement with us for some time, but more so lately. It really bothered me that the reason might be that he’d adopted a new family and, like our grandmother Clara Beth, he now cared more about his new family than he did about us. At least, that was what Mother had told us about her relationship with her mother. Now the same thing was coming true for us and our father.
“What?” I asked when Haylee continued to stand there glaring at me.
“There’s no problem telling the difference between us these days, Kaylee. Your face is so long that your chin slides along the hallway floor when you go from class to class like a zombie. You’re taking all the fun out of this. Jimmy is worried you’ll be a downer and ruin our night.”