I drive her home after dinner and we kiss in my car for a few minutes, before I pull away, muttering, "Killing me." I want to groan in frustration. She gives me one last kiss at her building door, and then she turns and walks inside, shooting me a smile over her shoulder. I can’t help smiling back, even though I’m not happy to be going home alone.
CHAPTER 19
I walk back into my room from physical therapy, feeling like I’m going to collapse. It feels good, though. Every muscle in my body got a workout and I could really tell a difference today. I felt stronger and surer, not back to normal by a long shot. But for the first time, I felt like I caught a glimmer of my old physical self.
I was moved to the rehab section of the hospital a couple days ago and I know that this means I won’t be here much longer. That thought both makes me antsy to get out of here, and terrified to leave. This place has become like a safety zone to me in so many ways.
I glance at myself in the mirror as I head into my bathroom. I’m used to the minor changes that the surgeries made to my face now. They’re pretty subtle, truth be told, but I wonder if these changes, coupled with all the other things that are different about me will make it hard for Evie to recognize me right away. I wonder how she’s changed after all these years.
I take a long, hot shower, and just as I walk out of my bathroom, Dr. Fox walks in my room. "Hey, Doc." I smile.
He smiles, sitting down in his usual chair. "How’s it going, kid? How was P.T.?"
"It was good, actually. Too much better and they’re gonna kick me out of this joint." I smile.
He smiles back, but looks thoughtful.
"How are the moving plans coming along?"
"Good. I’ve got a condo lined up downtown, Cincinnati, and Preston is preparing an office for me."
"Good, kid. And Evie?"
"I’m going to look her up once I get there. I just… I’m not ready yet. I don’t know what I’m going to say, how I’m going to tell her what happened…" I run my hand through my damp hair, frowning.
"Speaking of all of that, son, I want to talk to you about something today that’s perhaps a little out of my normal therapy realm." He frowns, and is quiet for a minute. I wait him out. I’m pretty sure I know what he’s going to say. I told him all about Lauren in the session after my freak out. It was hard, but I knew he had pretty much already guessed based on what he walked in on, and then what I had said while destroying my room.
"I think you need to press charges against Lauren."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Well, for one thing, the statute of limitations is up for a statutory rape charge. Won’t fly. I looked it up once as a way to try to… encourage her to stay away from me. Secondly, I wouldn’t do that to Phil’s… my father’s company. Do you know what kind of bad press that would bring? Especially now that I’m running it? Anything attached to my name is attached to the company’s name. The media would make a fucking soap opera out of that shit. Phil worked practically his entire adult life making that company what it is. It was his dream. After everything I did to him, I couldn’t live with myself if I did that too. Smearing his good name? Because that’s exactly what the media would do, even though he had nothing to do with it. It wasn’t just Lauren who adopted me. If her moral character is questioned as far as that goes, his will be, too, whether it holds water or not. No."
He’s quiet for a minute, considering me. Then he says quietly, "I don’t know if you see that what happened to you wasn’t simply a case of statutory rape, son. That… woman adopted you, a damaged kid from the social services system, with the sole intent of molesting you. Do you see that? Do you see the perverted sickness in that? That she promised you hope and then, through her sick actions, instead, reinforced the message that you didn’t deserve to be loved and cared about? Do you see that her crime goes beyond statutory rape?"
I look out the window. He’s right, I have no doubt at this point that she brought me home intending on starting a sexual relationship with me when I was fifteen. I know because she told me. But what’s done is done. Seeking a criminal investigation against her won’t undo what happened.
"Still, no. I won’t do that to my father. That’s final. I can’t do that to my father."
"Jake, what exactly do you carry so much guilt about when it comes to your father?"
I laugh a humorless laugh. "Well, fucking his wife wasn’t very nice."
"That’s you being crass as a way to deflect. And that’s not what happened. An older woman who had taken you into her home manipulated you. You were…"
"Okay, Doc, I get it. I’m working that out, okay? We talked about that last session. I’m trying to let go of some of my own culpability. Not all of it, I won’t do that, despite what you say. But some of it, enough to be able to forgive myself, alright? But as far as my father, he was never anything but good to me and I not only screwed his wife behind his back for three years, but I treated him like shit. I was so fucking angry with both of them, and I thought maybe he knew and let her play her little game with me. Or maybe I just convinced myself of that so I could hate someone else, blame someone else. But in the end, our secret killed him. He died because of me, because of us."
"Kid, he changed his will to leave his company to you, the same company you just told me was his dream, his life’s work. He left that solely to you. Don’t you think that speaks volumes?"
I run my hand through my hair again. "Yeah, I guess. But it just reinforces my decision to focus my energy on making him proud with the way I handle that gift."
"So you just let Lauren get away with what she did? With harassing you, even now?"
"I’m moving to another city, Doc."
"People obsessed with someone don’t typically let that stop them."
I’m quiet for a minute, staring out the window, considering what he’s telling me.
"Can I tell you a little bit about the psychology of a woman who does what she did?"
I sigh. "If you have to. It won’t change anything, but I’ll listen."
He’s silent for a minute. "Most older women who engage in sex with young teen boys have an arrested development. Psychologically, they see themselves as a teenager, therefore they don’t feel guilt about the relationship, and generally justify it by saying they fell in love. They’re unwell, Jake. Extremely unwell."
This sounds all too familiar. He goes on, "Male victims can show the same trauma that a female victim shows – depression, anxiety, acting out, relationship problems… The power imbalance and the fact that a boy’s body usually cooperates are hugely confusing, hugely traumatic."
Okay, so I’m a fucking case study. Still doesn’t change anything. I take a deep breath. "This is all interesting, but I can handle her now, Doc. I’m not fifteen anymore."
He sighs, looking pained. He’s silent for several minutes, and I can practically see his wheels turning, but with what, I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. I’m not going to change my mind.
He stands up and puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently before turning and walking toward the door.
"No parting words of wisdom, Confucius?" I joke.
He turns around, smiling, but still looking distracted. "Yeah, you’re doing good, kid."
He walks through the door and I yell after him, "That’s it? That’s like a fortune cookie outtake."
But I don’t hear him laugh as he moves away from my door, down the hall.
CHAPTER 20
The next couple of days drag by for me, despite the fact that I’m slammed at work. I call Evie every chance I get between meetings and her two jobs. I hate that she’s still bussing it around town but when I offer her my company driver, she declines. I’d like to insist, and I think if I pushed it enough, she’d relent, but I know that independence is important to her and I don’t want to take away from who she is just so I get my way. Not on this point. This is not the hill I’m willing to die on. So my girl is riding public transportation around town. Not h
appy. But resigned. For now.
Monday is a crazy day, as I get ready for my trip to the San Diego office to meet with investors and to attend a dinner benefit that the company is sponsoring.
Evie’s name comes up on my phone in the middle of a meeting and I excuse myself to take her call in the hallway.
"Hey, baby."
"Hi." I can hear the smile in her voice. "What are you up to?"
"In a meeting..." Preston sticks his head out and gestures to a schematic in his hand. He gives a thumbs up sign and mouths "Okay?" I nod back, knowing he’s asking if it’s okay to share it with the group. "Sorry, Evie, I can only talk for a minute. I miss you. You good?"
"Yeah, I’m good. I miss you too."
"My bed has been cold... and there’s nothing good to sniff on."
She laughs. "Maybe you should bring a warm batch of cookies to bed with you."
"Mmmm... kinky. We’ll have to try that."
She laughs again. "Okay, Jake, I know you have to get back to work. I’ll call you on Tuesday when I get home, okay?"
"I’ll be waiting. Bye, baby."
"Bye."
I walk back into my meeting smiling and wondering how I lived without her all those years. How did I do it? Then I realize, I wasn’t living. I was existing. I was putting one foot in front of the other and simply getting by. On my best days, numb and on my worst days, miserable.
**********
I fly to the San Diego office on Tuesday. Flying in over the water always reminds me of Evie and that very first plane ride to California. I'd been holding back a lump in my throat that kept threatening during the entire five hour journey. I missed her so desperately already. But I was also filled with a hope I'd never had before – a hope that I finally had a family, people who would help me and Evie start our life together when the time came. It would be so much easier now. I squash those memories. The darkness that hovers on the edge of those recollections is not somewhere I want to go right now.
I spend the day meeting with investors at an off-site conference room in a hotel on the bay. The view is breathtaking, not a cloud in the sky, the water sparkling, and sailboats dotting the horizon. But this is not home. Home is where she is and I can’t wait to get back to my cold, gray-skied – when I flew out – Midwestern city. I smile to myself. Home. All along I thought home was a location, and it turns out home is a person. Home is Evie.
I’d like to fly back tonight but I have a benefit dinner that the company is sponsoring. It’s for an organization that helps underprivileged kids in San Diego, a cause important to Phil that he did a lot of work for over the years, and perhaps the inspiration for wanting to adopt me in the first place. In any case, I feel like I need to represent him tonight. So I grudgingly don my tux and head there.
I mingle with some of the San Diego executives over cocktails, and as I’m turning to head to my table for dinner, I see Gwen walking my way. She’s tried to talk to me several times tonight but I’ve been successful so far in evading her. Apparently, me telling her not to come near me again went in one ear and out the other. What is it with me and females who don’t hear me? I clench my jaw and will her to turn the other way. She doesn’t.
"Jake!" she calls.
I turn slowly. "Gwen. What are you doing here?"
"Oh, mom couldn’t come. Daddy flew me in to be his date tonight." She smiles a big, dazzling smile.
Right at that moment, a photographer who has been taking shots of the guests mingling, comes up to us and asks for a picture. I briefly consider telling him to fuck off but don’t want to cause a scene, and so I lean in to Gwen and say with a phony smile, "If we were anywhere but in front of a camera at a company event right now, you’d be watching me walk the other way." She laughs as if I’m joking. I’m not. As soon as the camera flashes, I turn and walk in the opposite direction. After a few steps, I hear Gwen call behind me, "It’s because of her, isn’t it?"
I stop, turning slowly. "Her?"
Gwen has her hip cocked, one hand resting on it. "The girl on your back. You can’t let her go, can you?"
I look around but no one is close enough to hear what we’re saying. I shake my head slowly. "No. Never could. Never will."
She smirks and crosses her arms under her breasts. "Well, good to know that it’s not just me."
I stare at her for a minute before replying, "If that helps you sleep at night, so be it." I turn and walk away.
**********
I leave as soon as I possibly can without it looking rude. It's early, but I’m looking forward to getting back to my hotel room and waiting for Evie’s call. I walk into my room and throw my stuff on the dresser and start taking off my jacket when I hear a knock on my hotel room door. Who the hell could that be? Thinking it’s most likely housekeeping with some question or another, I fling it open and Lauren is standing there. "Jake, before you close this door on me, please, can we just talk for a minute?"
I stare at her. "Lauren, there’s nothing to talk about–"
"Please. I just wanted to see you for a minute. I’ve been waiting in the lobby for an hour. Please."
"Lauren, say what you want to say quickly, from right there. You have thirty seconds. And I’m being generous with that."
She purses her lips before saying, "Don’t you see! This is OUR time, now, Jake. Phil is gone and we can be together now. We can have everything now, Jake. We–"
I grimace and take a step back. "Oh my God. There’s something seriously wrong with you."
She steps forward. "No, the only thing wrong is that I don’t have you. Jake, I need–"
"You need professional help. I want you to leave now, Lauren. Why do you ever think this will work?" I try to close the door on her but she holds it open, refusing to leave.
I grit out, "Fine. Have it your way. I’m not going to have a bodily struggle with you at the door. I’m going to go get in the shower, and LOCK the door. By the time I get out, if you’re not long gone, I’ll call security to cart you out of here. Do you understand me?"
"Jake please–"
But I walk back to the bathroom, slam the door loudly and click the lock into place. I stand leaning on the sink for a few minutes with my eyes closed. God, just the sight of that woman brings back the memory of being a weak fifteen year old kid whose control had been completely taken away. I run my hands down my face and then turn to the shower, turning the water up as hot as it’ll go. I strip my tux off and leave it in a heap on the floor and step into the scalding water, standing under it as long as I can stand it before stepping out and blotting my red, stinging skin dry.
When I step back out of the bathroom, the room is vacated. I lay back on the bed, briefly considering calling Evie, but she said she was going to visit her friend tonight and I don’t want to interrupt her. She said she’d call when she got home. I close my eyes, feeling like I just need to rest for a minute. The emotions Lauren brings up in me always make me feel so damn tired. I just want to shut out the world for a little bit.
**********
I wake up, startled. What the fuck? I bolt upright, scrubbing a hand down my face. I don’t think I even moved from the position I fell into on the bed. The clock says 2:58 a.m. It’s almost six in Ohio. Evie never called me. Shit! What if something happened to her? That fucking bus. I knew I should have insisted on my driver. I’m pressing her number on speed dial before I even register picking up my phone from the bedside table.
My heart is hammering in my chest as her phone rings once, twice, three times. Then, finally, thank God, "Hello." Clearly I woke her up. My heart slows down but now I’m pissed. Why didn’t she call me?
"Evie."
She hesitates. "Hey." Something’s wrong.
"Hey, you never called me last night. I would have called you myself but I fell asleep waiting for you. I just woke up. I was worried."
There's silence for a second before she says, "Jake, I did call you. A woman answered your phone. She said you were in the shower." I can clearly hear
the hurt in her voice. I blink, confused for a second before it comes to me. Fucking Lauren!
She must have answered my phone before she left my hotel room. Fucked up timing. The lie that falls out of my mouth about having co-workers in my room for drinks and a female co-worker answering my phone makes me feel shitty because of the ease with which it forms. It’s like a reflex to lie immediately when it comes to Lauren. I spent so many years keeping secrets when it comes to her. God, I hate this. I’m not ready for Evie to take on this burden, though. I can barely handle seeing Lauren for five minutes, and I’ve known what happened for years. What is this going to do to Evie?
I ask her if she’s upset and she’s silent for a second. "If that's the truth, Jake, then no, I'm not upset. I just don't see why she would pick up your cell phone and then not leave you the message." I close my eyes very briefly and grimace, hating myself.
"I don't know either, but they were drinking so that's my only guess. I'm sorry, baby. You must have been hurt," I say quietly.
I don’t even want to think about what I would have done if a man had answered her phone while she was in the shower. Just the idea of it makes me feel murderous.
She sighs but finally says, "I was confused, Jake. It's okay. If that's what happened then it's not your fault."
I feel relieved but a hot arrow of shame is slithering down my spine. I want so badly to share this with her, but know that it is the very thing that ruined us then and may ruin us now.
I clear my throat. "I miss you. I can't wait to see you. Am I still picking you up after work tonight?"
"Yes. I'll see you then, okay?"
"Okay. Evie, I've… I've really missed you. I know it's just been a couple days, but I, I'm just really looking forward to seeing you." I just want her. Need courses through my veins.
"Me too, Jake. See you tonight." Her voice is warmer now.