“Hold on, I think there’s a puddle next to your door,” he said, and I waited for him to come open the door. There was a puddle, so he straddled it and reached for me.
“This is ridiculous. I can deal with a puddle,” I said, but let him lift me out of the truck.
“True, but I don’t want to listen to you complain about having wet shoes.” I rolled my eyes.
“Chivalry with an insult. How charming.” He winked and shit, I was charmed. Brooks Goddamn Benson.
He put me down, but took my hand as we headed toward the entrance. He bought my ticket and then turned to me.
“What do you want to do first?” The smells of popcorn and fried dough were almost overwhelming. In addition to food, there were several game booths, a Ferris wheel, a carousel and a few other rides, as well as a stage where a dude with a guitar was playing to a handful of distracted people.
“Would you go on the carousel with me?” I asked.
“Of course. And then we do one thing I want to do and we can alternate. Does that work for you?” I nodded as we walked in sync to the carousel. It was a rickety thing, used to being taken down and packed up to be moved from place to place, but I didn’t care. I’d always had a thing for carousels. Call me old-fashioned or romantic or whatever. I just liked them.
I got on a white horse and Brooks hopped on the dragon next to me.
“I honestly can’t remember the last time I was on one of these things,” he said as the ride lurched and started.
“Me neither. I think I was probably a kid. Who knows?” I held onto the pole as we went up and down and Brooks smiled at me.
“Having fun yet?” I nodded.
“Yeah. Great idea to come here,” I said.
“For our outing that isn’t a date,” he said, mock serious.
“Yes,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him. But then he reached out his hand to me and I took it and we rode the damn carousel holding hands like a couple of teenagers.
It was awesome.
****
After the carousel Brooks said he was hungry so we loaded up on hot dogs, nachos, fried dough, french fries and sodas.
“I’m gaining weight just looking at this,” I said as we sat down at a tippy picnic table that had smears of ketchup all over it. I used a napkin to clear a space for us that was relatively clean.
“Don’t even worry about it. I like you whatever way you are. And can I say that I especially like the way you look now.” I was leaning over the table and my boobs were nearly spilling out of my top.
“Perv,” I said, throwing the napkin at him.
“Sorry, can’t help it. I like what I see when I look at you.” He put his hands up in surrender and then picked up his hot dog. We’d both gotten ours with ketchup, which had surprised me a little.
“So, what do you want to do next?” Brooks asked after he’d wiped a little bit of ketchup off his mouth. He’d loaded his dog down. Even more than me and I freaking loved ketchup.
“Ferris wheel,” I said. It was a great excuse to sit next to him and maybe make out a little. Totally cliché, but this seemed to be a cliché night. I’d never done any of this stuff when I was a teen, so I deserved to do it at least once in my life with an attractive guy that made my heart flutter.
“You gonna let me cop a feel?” I gasped at him and he burst out laughing.
“You are awful. I don’t know why I put up with you.” I finished my hot dog as he winked at me.
“Because you can’t resist me.” Well, that was true. But I didn’t want him to know that.
****
“You’d better behave,” I said as we waited for the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel to load. It always took more time to get on this ride than you actually spent riding it, but I didn’t care.
“Why would I do that?” he asked, putting his arm around me. I leaned into him and put my head on his shoulder.
“This is really nice,” I said and then he fucking kissed the top of my head.
Seriously.
Here I was, trying to keep things relatively... not in the feelings territory, and he went and did that. Now I was feeling a whole lot of big and scary things for Brooks Benson and pretending that they didn’t exist wasn’t going to work anymore.
I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut for a second and then opened them. The tight feeling in my chest was still there and Brooks was warm and solid beside me.
What would happen if I, God forbid, fell for him? Wanted to go on actual dates and have sex on a regular basis and send mushy text messages and have him buy me flowers?
For one, I’d never get out of Hope Harbor. I’d be yet another girl who tried to swim against the tide and had gotten sucked back in. I just... I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be there. Didn’t want to stay. Didn’t want to live the life my parents had.
What was I going to do?
Right now, I was going to ride the Ferris wheel with him and deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.
One thing at a time.
****
We did some of the games and of course Brooks had to show his prowess and win me a stupid stuffed unicorn. It looked like it had seen better days, but I tucked it under my arm and gave him a kiss to thank him anyway.
The sun sank lower in the sky and we went to ride the Ferris wheel one more time before we left.
“Can we do this again? I mean not specifically this fair, but spend time together?” I was going to see him on Monday when I baked, but that was different. I didn’t have flour on my nose, or frosting in my hair right now, and we definitely didn’t make out in the kitchen and contaminate everything. Although, we’d had a few close calls. Oops.
“Yeah. Next Friday?” He nodded and I leaned against him again.
“It’s a... uhhh, non-date?”
“Sure. Whatever works.”
He ran his fingers through my hair. I tried not to enjoy it and failed. I was in so much trouble.
Ten
Brooks
I worked with Falyn the next day and I was surprised when Remi showed up.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, which wasn’t the best thing to say. She took off her sunglasses and glared at me.
“Well, fuck you too,” she said, and started to leave, but I dived around the counter and stopped her.
“Wait, wait, that’s not how I meant it.” I pulled her close and gave her a kiss, feeling her melt into my arms.
“Hey,” I said, smiling as we parted. Her eyes were a little dazed and it took her a second to focus before she realized what was happening.
“Jerk.”
“Sorry. I’m just surprised to see you, that’s all.”
She shrugged one shoulder.
“Yeah, well, my mom was driving me nuts and I had nowhere else to go so...” she trailed off, her eyes darting around. “My life is pathetic.”
I kissed her again.
“No, it’s not.”
She sighed and bit her bottom lip.
“So, I should probably leave because you’re working and I have no life.” I didn’t want her to go. Then I heard a moan from the kitchen where Falyn was on pizza duty.
“What?” I said, rushing back.
“I just got a call ordering ten pizzas for a family reunion,” she said, pushing some of her hair out of her face from where it had escaped her ponytail. She was up to her elbows in flour and looked totally fried.
“Did someone say pizza?” Remi said, coming around the corner. “I mean, if you need a hand, I think I can handle it. And I’m pretty good with baking.” Falyn gave Remi a desperate look and then glanced at me, begging with her bottom lip pouting out.
Little sisters, I tell you.
“You don’t have to,” I said to Remi, but she was already heading toward the sink to wash her hands.
“Don’t even worry about it,” she said, grabbing one of the large (used to be) white aprons and putting it on.
I looked at Falyn and she just shrugged.
“Okay, b
ut let me know if you need a break or something,” I said. Remi just put her hands on my chest and pushed me out of the kitchen.
“Go. We got this.”
****
It was a crazy busy Saturday. Most of my time was spent at the register, or restocking the refrigerator, or unloading a new shipment of chips. I kept one ear trained on the kitchen, where I could hear Remi and Falyn talking and laughing together.
They were very close, personality-wise. Neither gave a shit what someone else thought and did their own thing, regardless of whether people would approve or not. I had the feeling they would get along and it turned out I was right.
I headed back a few hours later to find the two of them leaning against the counter and laughing.
“Everything going okay back here?” I asked and they turned at the same time.
“Yeah, we’re gonna hang out and get a drink after this,” Remi said and Falyn nodded.
“Well, that was fast.” I raised my eyebrows at my sister but she only shrugged at me. “She hasn’t tried to seduce you yet, has she?” I narrowed my eyes at Falyn.
“I’m not that bad! Why do you always think I hit on everything that is female?”
“I’m a big girl, Brooks. I can handle it. And she’s been a total lady the whole time.” Remi wiggled her eyebrows at Falyn and grinned.
Falyn smirked at me.
“Fine, fine. Have a good time together,” I said, putting my hands up in surrender. Remi threw a dirty dishtowel at me, but I caught it midair.
“Have funnnn,” I said, drawing out the word.
“We willllll,” Remi said back.
Remi
So, Falyn was awesome. I wish I had known sooner because I would have loved hanging out with her. She was hilarious and cursed as much as I did. Plus, she didn’t give a shit.
“Oh my God, I need more straight friends,” she said. “Or just friends in general. I have a hard time making new friends who are girls because they always think I’m going to try to ‘convert’ them.” I snorted.
“Um, I figure you would have copped a feel or something by now. I’m kind of disappointed,” I said. She threw her head back and it reminded me so much of Brooks.
“Well, you’re very cute, but I don’t go after someone who’s already in a relationship.” That set me reeling.
“Brooks and I aren’t...” I tried to say, but she put her hand up to stop me.
“Save it. I don’t care what you call it, the sexual tension between the two of you reeks more than a teenage boy who doesn’t know how much Axe to use. It’s happening whether you want it to or not. Sorry, babe.” I opened my mouth to argue, but just rested my head on the counter.
“Shut up,” I said and she patted my shoulder.
****
Brooks was being all cute and skeptical when Falyn and I headed out for our drink together, but he waved goodbye and told us to have a good time as we headed off together in my car.
Falyn told me about the cottage she was living in with her brother and how she had a million jobs.
“I just have no idea what I want to do, aka ‘no direction.’” She put the last two words in air quotes. “What if I decide I want to do something and then change my mind? What then? That’s why I never really figured out college. I wanted to take literally everything, so I couldn’t choose anything.”
I laughed. “Yeah, that sounds about right. But you could always take one at a time or online or something.”
She shrugged. “I’m not worried about it. It’s nice having a bunch of brothers that screw up worse than you do because then your parents are too distracted to be mad at you.”
I sighed. “And that’s what sucks about being an only child. There is no one else to carry on their legacy and shit. No one else to pop out the grandchildren.”
She snorted.
“At least I don’t really have to worry about that. Dasen has already had the required grandchild, and I have the feeling that at least two or more of my other brothers will procreate, so I’m off the hook. Maybe I’ll adopt someday if I find the right girl. Who knows?” We talked some more about feeling trapped in a small town as we headed to the bar.
I ordered a rum and Coke for myself and a Bud Light for Falyn since she wasn’t quite 21 yet. I wasn’t worried about getting busted. You could pretty much deal heroin down here and no one would care. Plus, all the cops had their own checkered pasts that you could bring up if you needed to.
“Sorry, I’m a lesbian who drinks beer. Walking cliché,” she said, rolling her eyes.
We found a secluded corner where we could avoid having to talk to anyone else and shot the shit for a while.
“So I wasn’t going to ask, but what is going on with you and my brother?” Ugh, I didn’t want to talk about this.
“Well, we’re hanging out and stuff. Not dating. Definitely not that.” She snorted and sipped her beer.
“Yeah, okay. You can call it whatever you want, but girlfriend, you’ve got yourself a boyfriend. He really likes you, in case you didn’t know. I’ve never really seen him like this, to be honest.” I felt myself blushing.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen. I kind of thought he was a total asshole.”
“Who isn’t?” I held up my glass and we toasted to that.
“It’s... surprising. And scary. I just didn’t want to get into anything serious here and then BOOM, Brooks Benson.” I shook my head.
“Sounds terrible,” she said.
“It pretty much is.”
****
I ended up having another drink and then I was worried about driving, so I handed Falyn the keys because she’d only had the one beer and it had been a while.
“Look, anytime you want to hang out, let me know. I pretty much do nothing but hang out with my stupid brothers when I’m not working, so it would be nice to spice things up.” We’d exchanged numbers and we even hugged when we got back to Benson Variety.
Brooks’ truck was gone, and I couldn’t help the little sinking in my heart.
It was like, if I wasn’t with him, I wanted to be. I couldn’t get enough, apparently. I was Brooksdicted. Was there a cure? Probably not.
I ended up sitting in my car and fooling around on my phone until I felt a little more sober. I didn’t want to take any DUI chances.
It was a huge effort NOT to text Brooks. And then he texted me and took the decision out of my hands.
Do you need a ride, or are you good?
Curse him for being so considerate.
Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for asking, though.
Anytime, Remington.
Even just seeing my name on a text set my heart going. I had a real problem.
I groaned and rested my head on my steering wheel.
“Why,” I said to myself, drawing the word out. “Why him?”
I was a strong woman; I could resist Brooks.
What a load of crap. I was a really terrible liar, especially to myself. I was careening into a wall and that wall had a word with four letters on it that began with L and ended with E and had an O and a V in the middle. Shit.
I couldn’t remember ever feeling this way about anyone. I’d dated here and there, but never found any guy who impressed me enough to continue a relationship. They’d either say something stupid, or do something stupid and I’d blow up on them and it would be over. I wasn’t an easy person to get along with. This was a fact. So I knew finding a guy wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, but I never expected... this.
Did you do your art? I asked. Every day he sent me pictures of what he’d been working on and each was more impressive than the last. I was so thrilled he was doing it again, but what about his future?
He wasn’t happy running Benson Variety, and I couldn’t believe his parents would want him to devote his life to something that didn’t make him happy. Even he’d told me his mom had told him to be happy.
It wasn’t “too late” for him to do something with his work. Even if it was displayin
g his pieces in a tiny local gallery, it would at least give him a chance to share them and make some money. I knew he didn’t want that, but...
Ugh, I wanted him to be happy. This was terrible. I was so beyond screwed.
****
Mom was pissy at me for going out and coming back late, but I said I’d made friends with Falyn Benson and she got a little weird. I wasn’t even going to dignify her weirdness because I knew part of it was homophobia and seriously, fuck that.
Falyn was a little—notorious?—around Hope Harbor. I could appreciate that in a girl.
I let most of what Mom said go in one ear and out the other. She and Dad had had a good time on their date the other night. Sounded like they were going to do it more often, for which I was glad.
I escaped to my room as quick as I could and then texted Brooks. Most of the effects of the alcohol had worn off, but I was still feeling like my inhibitions were lower than they should have been.
I hate how much I like you I sent him.
Why?
I thought about it and figured I should just call him. So I did. I didn’t even bother with a greeting when he answered, just picked up right where I’d left off.
“Because I didn’t plan this and I am a fan of plans. I mean, like, hardly any of my plans have worked out, but still.”
“Yeah, I had plans too, but those plans were shit. You shouldn’t keep going with something if you don’t want to do it anymore, just because you decided that you wanted to do it when you were in another space in your life.” I hated how he knew the right things to say.
“I know, I know. I just... I feel like I’m adrift right now and I want something solid to hold onto. It was getting out of Hope Harbor and doing my own thing, but...” I trailed off.
“So you’re telling me that I might be affecting your plans?” I could hear the satisfaction in his voice. I shouldn’t have said anything.
“It’s not just you,” I said. “I don’t know, Brooks. I just don’t know. Everything feels like it’s out of my control and I hate feeling this way. But then I feel stuck at the same time. Does that make any sense?” He let out a breath.
“Yeah. That makes more sense than you can even know.” We were silent for a little while, just breathing together.