“It’s true,” he whispered, staring at me. “You can actually manifest the elements.”
“Well,” I whispered back, feeling lightheaded, “one of them at least. Let’s try for two.”
I walked over to Shaunee. She raised her candle eagerly and made me smile when she said, “I’m ready for fire—bring it on!”
“Fire reminds me of cold winter nights and the warmth and safety of the fireplace that heats my grandma’s cabin. I ask that you hear me, fire, and I summon you to this circle.” I lit the red candle and the flame blazed, much brighter than should have been possible for an ordinary votive. The air around Shaunee and me was suddenly filled with the rich, woody scent and homey warmth of a roaring fireplace.
“Wow!” Shaunee exclaimed, her dark eyes dancing with the reflection of the candle’s shimmering flame. “Now, that’s cool!”
“That’s two,” I heard Damien say.
Erin was grinning when I took my place in front of her. “I’m ready for water,” she said quickly.
“Water is relief on a hot Oklahoma summer day. It’s the amazing ocean that I really would like to see someday, and it’s the rain that makes the lavender grow. I ask that you hear me, water, and I summon you to this circle.”
I lit the blue candle and felt instant coolness against my skin, as well as smelled a clean, salty scent that could only be the ocean I’d never seen.
“Awesome. Really, really awesome,” Erin said, drawing in a deep breath of ocean air.
“That’s three,” Damien said.
“I’m not scared anymore,” Stevie Rae said when I stood in front of her.
“Good,” I said. Then I focused my mind on the fourth element, earth. “Earth supports and surrounds us. We wouldn’t be anything without her. I ask that you hear me, earth, and I summon you to this circle.” The green candle lit easily, and suddenly Stevie Rae and I were overwhelmed with the sweet scent of freshly cut grass. I heard the rustle of the oak’s leaves and we looked up to see the great oak literally bowing its branches over us as though it would shield us from all harm.
“Totally amazing,” Stevie Rae breathed.
“Four,” Damien said, his voice filled with excitement.
I walked quickly to the center of the circle and lifted my purple candle.
“The last element is one that fills everything and everyone. It makes us unique and it breathes life into all things. I ask that you hear me, spirit, and I summon you to this circle.”
Incredibly, it seemed that I was suddenly surrounded by the four elements, that I was in the middle of a whirlpool made up of air and fire, water and earth. But it wasn’t scary, not at all. It filled me with peace, and at the same time I felt a surge of white-hot power and had to press my lips tightly together to keep from laughing with pure joy.
“Look! Look at the circle!” Damien shouted.
I blinked my vision clear and instantly felt the elements settle down, as if they were playful kittens who were sitting around me, waiting happily for me to call them to bat at string and whatnot. I was smiling at the comparison when I saw the glowing light that wrapped around the circumference of the circle, joining Damien, Shaunee, Erin, and Stevie Rae. It was bright and clear, and the luminous silver of a full moon.
“And that makes five,” Damien said.
“Holy crap!” I blurted, very un-High Priestess-like, and the four of them laughed, filling the night with the sounds of happiness. And I understood, for the first time, why Neferet and Aphrodite had danced during the rituals. I wanted to dance and laugh and shout with happiness. Another time, I told myself. Tonight there was more serious work to be done.
“Okay, I’m going to speak the purification prayer,” I told my four friends. “And while I say the prayer I’m going to face each of the elements, one at a time.”
“What do you want us to do?” Stevie Rae asked.
“Focus on the prayer. Concentrate. Believe that the elements will carry it to Nyx, and that the Goddess will answer it by helping me to know what I should do,” I said with way more certainty than I felt.
Once again I faced east. Damien smiled encouragement to me. And I began to recite the ancient purification prayer I’d said so many times with my grandma—with just a few changes I’d decided on earlier.
Great Goddess of Night, whose voice I hear in the wind, who breathes the breath of life to Her children. Hear me; I need your strength and wisdom.
I paused briefly as I turned to the south.
Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset that comes before the beauty of your night. Make my hands respect the things you have made and my ears sharp to hear your voice. Make me wise so that I may understand the things you have taught your people.
I turned again to the right, and my voice felt stronger as I fell into the rhythm of the prayer.
Help me to remain calm and strong in the face of all that comes toward me. Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every leaf and rock. Help me seek pure thoughts and act with the intention of helping others. Help me find compassion without empathy overwhelming me.
I faced Stevie Rae, whose eyes were squeezed shut as though she was concentrating with all of her might.
I seek strength, not to be greater than others, but to fight my greatest enemy, the doubts within myself.
I walked back to the center of the circle and finished the prayer, and for the first time in my life, I felt a flush of sensation as the power of the ancient words rushed from me to what I hoped with all my heart and soul was my listening Goddess.
Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands and straight eyes. So when life fades, as the fading sunset, my spirit may come to you without shame.
Technically, that was the conclusion of the Cherokee prayer my grandma had taught me, but I felt the need to add: “And Nyx, I don’t understand why you Marked me and why you have given me the gift of an affinity for the elements. I don’t even have to know. What I want to ask is that you help me know the right thing to do, and then give me the courage to do it.” And I finished the prayer the way I remembered Neferet completed her ritual: “Blessed be!”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“That was truly the most prodigious circle-casting I’ve ever experienced!” Damien gushed after the circle had been closed and we were gathering up the candles and smudge stick.
“I thought ‘prodigious’ meant ‘big,’ ” Shaunee said.
“It also can show exciting wonder and can refer to something stupendous and monumental,” Damien said.
“For once I’m not going to argue with you,” Shaunee said, surprising everyone except Erin.
“Yeah, the circle was prodigious,” Erin said.
“Do you know I actually could feel earth when Zoey called it?” Stevie Rae said. “It was like I was suddenly surrounded by a growing wheat field. No, it was more than being surrounded by it. It was like I was suddenly a part of it.”
“I know exactly what you mean. When she called flame it was like the fire exploded through me,” Shaunee said.
I tried to understand what I was feeling while the four of them talked happily together. I was definitely happy, but overwhelmed and more than a little confused. So it was true, I did have some kind of affinity with all five of the elements.
Why?
Just to bring down Aphrodite? (Which, by the by, I still didn’t have a clue how to do.) No, I didn’t think so. Why would Nyx touch me with such unusual power just so that I could kick a spoiled bully out of the leadership of a club?
Okay, the Dark Daughters were more than a student council or whatever, but still.
“Zoey, are you all right?”
The concern in Damien’s voice made me look up from Nala, and I realized that I was sitting in the middle of what used to be the circle, with my cat on my lap, completely engrossed in my own thoughts as I scratched her head.
“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I’m fine, just a little distracted.”
“We sh
ould get back. It’s getting late,” Stevie Rae said.
“Okay. You’re right,” I said, and got up, still holding Nala. But I couldn’t make my feet follow them as they started to head back to the dorms.
“Zoey?”
Damien, the first to notice my hesitation, stopped and called back to me, and then my other friends stopped, looking at me with expressions that ranged from worried to confused.
“Uh, why don’t you guys go ahead? I’m going to stay out here for just a little while longer.”
“We could stay with you and—” Damien began, but Stevie Rae (bless her little bumpkin heart) interrupted him.
“Zoey needs to do some thinkin’ on her own. Wouldn’t you if you just found out you were the only fledgling in known history to have an affinity for all five elements?”
“I suppose,” Damien said reluctantly.
“But don’t forget that it’ll be getting light soon,” Erin said.
I smiled reassuringly at them. “I won’t. I’ll be back at the dorm soon.”
“I’ll make a sandwich for you and try to scare up some chips to go with your brown non-diet pop. It’s important that a High Priestess eats after she performs a ritual,” Stevie Rae said with a smile and a wave as she pulled the rest of the four along with her.
I called thanks to Stevie Rae as they disappeared into the darkness. Then I walked over to the tree and sat down, resting my back against its thick trunk. I closed my eyes and petted Nala. Her purr was normal and familiar and incredibly soothing, and it seemed to help ground me.
“I’m still me,” I whispered to my cat. “Just like Grandma said. All the other stuff can change, but what’s really Zoey—what’s been Zoey for sixteen years—is still Zoey.”
Maybe if I repeated it over and over enough to myself, I’d actually believe it. I rested my face in one hand and scratched my cat with the other, and told myself that I was still me . . . still me . . . still me . . .
“See how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!”
Nala “me-eeh-uf-owed” in complaint as I jumped in surprise.
“Seems like I keep finding you by this tree,” Erik said, smiling down at me and looking like a god.
He made me feel all fluttery in my stomach, but tonight he also made me feel something else. Just exactly why did he keep “finding” me? And just exactly how long had he been watching this time?
“What are you doing out here, Erik?”
“Hi, it’s nice to see you, too. And, yes, I would like to have a seat, thank you,” he said and started to sit beside me.
I stood up, making Nala mutter at me again.
“Actually, I was just going to go back to the dorm.”
“Hey, I didn’t mean to intrude or whatever. I just couldn’t concentrate on my homework so I went for a walk. I guess my feet carried me this way without me telling them to, ’cause next thing I knew here I was and here you are. I’m really not stalking you. Promise.”
He stuck his hands in his pockets and looked totally embarrassed. Well, totally cute and embarrassed, and I remembered how much I had wanted to say yes to him earlier when he asked me to watch dorky movies with him. And now here I was, rejecting him and making him uncomfortable again. It’s a wonder the kid ever talked to me. Clearly, I was taking this High Priestess thing way too seriously.
“So how about walking me back to my dorm? Again,” I asked.
“Sounds good.”
This time Nala complained when I tried to carry her. Instead she trotted along after us while Erik and I fell into step together as easily as we had before. We didn’t say anything for a while. I wanted to ask him about Aphrodite, or at the very least tell him what she’d said to me about him, but I couldn’t come up with a good way of saying something that I probably didn’t have any business questioning him about.
“So what were you doing out here this time?” he asked.
“Thinking,” I said, which technically wasn’t a lie. I had been thinking. A lot. Before, during, and after the circle-casting I was conveniently not going to mention.
“Oh. Are you worried about that Heath kid?”
Actually, I hadn’t thought about Heath or Kayla since I’d talked to Neferet, but I shrugged, not wanting to get specific about what I’d been thinking.
“I mean, I guess it’s probably hard to break up with someone just because you got Marked,” he said.
“I didn’t break up with him because I got Marked. He and I were pretty much finished before that. The Mark just made it more final.” I looked at Erik and took a deep breath. “What about you and Aphrodite?”
He blinked in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“I mean today she told me that you’ll never be her ex because you’ll always be hers.”
His eyes narrowed and he looked truly pissed. “Aphrodite has a serious problem with telling the truth.”
“Well, not that it’s any of my business, but—”
“It is your business,” he said quickly. And then, totally and utterly shocking me, he took my hand. “At least I’d like it to be your business.”
“Oh,” I said. “Okay, well, okay.” Once again, I was sure I was astounding him with my witty conversation skills.
“So you weren’t just avoiding me tonight; you really had some thinking to do?” he asked slowly.
“I wasn’t avoiding you. There’s just . . . ,” I hesitated, not sure how the hell to explain something I was pretty sure I shouldn’t explain to him. “There’s a lot of stuff going on with me right now. This whole Change thing is pretty confusing sometimes.”
“It gets better,” he said, squeezing my hand.
“Somehow, for me, I doubt it,” I muttered.
He laughed and tapped my Mark with his finger. “You’re just ahead of some of the rest of us. That’s hard at first, but, believe me, it’ll get easier—even for you.”
I sighed. “I hope so.” But I doubted it.
We stopped in front of the dorm, and he turned to me, his voice suddenly low and serious. “Z, don’t believe the crap Aphrodite says. She and I haven’t been together in months.”
“But you used to be,” I said.
He nodded and his face looked strained.
“She’s not a very nice person, Erik.”
“I know that.”
And then I realized what had really been bothering me and decided, oh, well, what the hell, I’d just say it.
“I don’t like it that you’d be with someone who’s so mean. It makes me feel funny about wanting to be with you.” He opened up his mouth to say something and I kept talking, not wanting to hear excuses I wasn’t sure that I should or could believe. “Thanks for walking me home. I am glad you found me again.”
“I’m glad I found you, too,” he said. “I’d like to see you again, Z, and not just by accident.”
I hesitated. And wondered why I was hesitating. I did want to see him again. I needed to forget Aphrodite. Seriously, she is really pretty and he is a guy. He probably fell into her haggish (and hot) clutches before he knew what was happening. I mean, she did kinda remind me of a spider. I should be glad that she hadn’t bitten his head off, and give the guy a chance.
“Okay, how about I watch those dorky DVDs with you Saturday?” I said before I could freakishly talk myself out of going out with the most gorgeous guy at this school.
“It’s a date,” he said.
Obviously giving me time to pull away if I wanted to, Erik slowly bent down and kissed me. His lips were warm and he smelled really good. The kiss was soft and nice. Honestly, it made me want him to kiss me more. Too soon it was over, but he didn’t move away from me. We were standing close, and I realized that I had my hands on his chest. His were resting lightly on my shoulders. I smiled up at him.
“I’m glad you asked me out again,” I said.
“I’m glad you finally said yes,” he said.
Then he kissed me again, only thi
s time he wasn’t hesitant. The kiss deepened, and my arms went up around his shoulders. I felt, more than heard, him moan and as he kissed me long and hard it was like he flipped a switch somewhere deep inside me, and hot, sweet, electric desire flashed through me. It was crazy and amazing, and more than anyone else’s kisses had ever made me feel. I loved the way my body fitted his, hard against soft, and I pressed myself against him, forgetting about Aphrodite and the circle I’d just cast and the entire rest of the world. This time when we broke off the kiss we were both breathing hard, and we stared at each other. As my sense started to return to me I realized that I was totally smushed against him and that I’d been standing there in front of the dorm making out like a slut. I started to pull out of his arms.
“What’s wrong? Why do you suddenly look different?” he said, tightening his arms around me.
“Erik, I’m not like Aphrodite.” I pulled harder and he let me go.
“I know you’re not. I wouldn’t like you if you were like her.”
“I don’t just mean my personality. I mean standing out here making out with you isn’t normal behavior for me.”
“Okay.” He reached one hand toward me as though he wanted to pull me back into his arms, but then he seemed to change his mind and his hand fell to his side. “Zoey, you make me feel different than anyone has ever made me feel before.”
I felt my face getting hot and I couldn’t tell if it was from anger or embarrassment. “Don’t patronize me, Erik. I saw you in the hall with Aphrodite. You’ve clearly felt this kind of stuff before, and more.”
He shook his head and I saw hurt in his eyes. “What Aphrodite made me feel was all physical. What you make me feel is about touching my heart. I know the difference, Zoey, and I thought you did, too.”
I stared at him—at those gorgeous blue eyes that had seemed to touch me the first time he looked at me. “I’m sorry,” I said softly. “That was mean of me. I do know the difference.”