"I wasn't going to get married until this war was over," he told her. "But to hell with that. Plans are made to be changed, right, Princess?"
She nodded, filled with a happiness that threatened to burst inside her.
"Let's get married by some maire in the country," Larry said "Unless you want a big wedding?"
Noelle shook her head. "The country sounds wonderful."
He nodded. "Deal. I have to report back to my Squadron tonight. I'll meet you here next Friday. How does that sound?"
"I--I don't know if I can stand being away from you that long." Noelle's voice was shaky.
Larry took her in his arms and held her. "Love me?" he asked.
"More than my life," Noelle replied simply.
Two hours later Larry was on his way back to England. He did not let her drive to the airport with him. "I don't like good-byes," he said. He gave her a large fistful of franc notes. "Buy yourself a wedding gown, Princess. I'll see you in it next week." And he was gone.
Noelle spent the next week in a state of euphoria, going back to the places she and Larry had been, spending hours dreaming about their life together. The days seemed to drag by, the minutes stubbornly refusing to move, until Noelle thought she would go out of her mind.
She went to a dozen shops looking for her wedding dress, and finally she found exactly what she wanted, at Madeleine Vionett. It was a beautiful white organza with a high-necked bodice, long sleeves with a row of six pearl buttons, and three crinoline petticoats. It cost much more than Noelle had anticipated, but she did not hesitate. She used all the money that Larry had given her and nearly all her own savings. Her whole being was centered on Larry. She thought about ways to please him, she searched through her mind for memories that might amuse him, anecdotes that would entertain him. She felt like a schoolgirl.
And so it was that Noelle waited for Friday to come, in an agony of impatience, and when it finally arrived she was up at dawn and spent two hours bathing and dressing, changing clothes and changing again, trying to guess which dress would please Larry most. She put on her wedding gown, but quickly took it off again, afraid that it might bring bad luck. She was in a frenzy of excitement.
At ten o'clock Noelle stood in front of the pier glass in the bedroom, and she knew that she had never looked as beautiful. There was no ego in her appraisal; she was simply pleased for Larry, glad that she could bring him this gift. By noon he had not appeared, and Noelle wished that he had told her what time he expected to arrive. She kept phoning the desk for messages every ten minutes and kept picking up the phone to make sure it was working. By six o'clock that evening, there was still no word from him. By midnight he had not called, and Noelle sat huddled in a chair, staring at the phone, willing it to ring. She fell asleep, and when she woke, it was dawn, Saturday. She was still in the chair, stiff and cold. The dress she had so carefully chosen was wrinkled, and there was a run in her stocking.
Noelle changed clothes and stayed in the room all that day, stationing herself in front of the open window, telling herself that if she stayed there, Larry would appear; if she left, something terrible would happen to him. As Saturday morning lengthened into afternoon, she began to be filled with the conviction that there had been an accident. Larry's plane had crashed, and he was lying in a field or in a hospital, wounded or dead. Noelle's mind was filled with ghastly visions. She sat up all night Saturday, sick with worry, afraid to leave the room and not knowing how to reach Larry.
When Noelle had not heard from him by Sunday noon, she could stand it no longer. She had to telephone him. But how? With a war on it was difficult to place an overseas call and she was not even certain where Larry was. She knew only that he flew with the RAF in some American squadron. She picked up the telephone and spoke to the switchboard operator.
"It is impossible," the operator said flatly.
Noelle explained the situation, and whether it was her words or the frantic despair in her voice she never knew, but two hours later she was talking to the War Ministry in London. They could not help her, but they transferred her to the Air Ministry at Whitehall who put her through to Combat Operations, where she was disconnected before she could get any information. It was four more hours before Noelle was reconnected, and by then she was on the verge of hysteria. Air Operations could give her no information and suggested she try the War Ministry.
"I've talked to them!" Noelle screamed into the phone. She began to sob, and the male English voice at the other end of the phone said in embarrassment, "Please, miss, it can't be that bad. Hold on a moment."
Noelle held the receiver in her hand, knowing that it was hopeless, certain that Larry was dead and that she would never know how or where he died. And she was about to replace the receiver when the voice spoke in her ear again and said cheerfully, "What you want, miss, is the Eagle Squadron. They're the Yanks, based in Yorkshire. It's a bit irregular, but I'm going to put you through to Church Fenton, their airfield. Their chaps will be able to help you." And the line went dead.
It was eleven o'clock that night before Noelle could get the call through again. A disembodied voice said, "Church Fenton Air Base," and the connection was so bad that Noelle could barely hear him. It was as though he were speaking from the bottom of the sea. He was obviously having difficulty hearing her. "Speak up, please," he said. By now, Noelle's nerves were so frayed that she could hardly control her voice.
"I'm calling"--she did not even know his rank. Lieutenant? Captain? Major? "I'm calling Larry Douglas. This is his fiancee."
"I can't hear you, miss. Can you speak louder, please?"
On the edge of panic Noelle screamed out the words again, sure that the man at the other end of the phone was trying to conceal from her that Larry was dead. For a miraculous instant the line cleared, and she heard the voice saying as though he were in the next room, "Lieutenant Larry Douglas?"
"Yes," she said, holding on tightly to her emotions.
"Just a moment, please."
Noelle waited for what seemed an eternity and then the voice came back on the line and said, "Lieutenant Douglas is on weekend leave. If it's urgent, he can be reached at the Hotel Savoy ballroom in London, General Davis' party." And the line went dead.
When the maid came in to clean the room the next morning, she found Noelle on the floor, semiconscious. The maid stared at her a moment, tempted to mind her own business and leave. Why did these things always have to happen in her rooms? She went over and touched Noelle's forehead. It was burning hot. Grumbling, the maid waddled down the hall and asked the porter to send up the manager. One hour later an ambulance pulled up outside the hotel and two young interns carrying a stretcher were directed to Noelle's room. Noelle was unconscious. The young intern in charge raised her eyelid, put a stethoscope to her chest and listened to the rales as she breathed. "Pneumonia," he said to his companion. "Let's get her out of here."
They lifted Noelle onto the stretcher and five minutes later the ambulance was racing toward the hospital. She was rushed into an oxygen tent, and it was four days before she was fully conscious. She dragged herself reluctantly up from the murky green depths of oblivion, subconsciously knowing something terrible had happened and fighting not to remember what it was. As the awful thing floated closer and closer to the surface of her mind, and she struggled to keep it from herself, it suddenly came to her clear and whole. Larry Douglas. Noelle began to weep, racked with sobs until she finally drifted off into a half-sleep. She felt a hand gently holding hers, and she knew that Larry had come back to her, that everything was all right. Noelle opened her eyes and stared at a stranger in a white uniform, taking her pulse. "Well! Welcome back," he announced cheerfully.
"Where am I?" Noelle asked.
"L'Hotel-Dieu, the City Hospital."
"What am I doing here?"
"Getting well. You've had double pneumonia. I'm Israel Katz." He was young, with a strong, intelligent face and deep-set brown eyes.
"Are you my doctor?"
/> "Intern," he said. "I brought you in." He smiled at her. "I'm glad you made it. We weren't sure."
"How long have I been here?"
"Four days."
"Would you do me a favor?" she asked weakly.
"If I can."
"Call the Hotel Lafayette. Ask them--" she hesitated. "Ask them if there are any messages for me."
"Well, I'm awfully busy--"
Noelle squeezed his hand fiercely. "Please. It's important. My fiance is trying to get in touch with me."
He grinned. "I don't blame him. All right. I'll take care of it," he promised. "Now you get some sleep."
"Not until I hear from you," she said.
He left, and Noelle lay there waiting. Of course Larry had been trying to get in touch with her. There had been some terrible misunderstanding. He would explain it all to her and everything would be all right again.
It was two hours before Israel Katz returned. He walked up to her bed and set down a suitcase. "I brought your clothes. I went to the hotel myself," he said.
She looked up at him, and he could see her face tense.
"I'm sorry," he said, embarrassed. "No messages." Noelle stared at him for a long time, then turned her face to the wall, dry-eyed.
Noelle was released from the hospital two days later. Israel Katz came to say good-bye to her. "Do you have any place to go?" he asked. "Or a job?"
She shook her head.
"What work do you do?"
"I'm a model."
"I might be able to help you."
She remembered the taxi driver and Madame Delys. "I don't need any help," she said.
Israel Katz wrote a name on a piece of paper. "If you change your mind, go there. It's a small fashion house. An aunt of mine owns it. I'll talk to her about you. Do you have any money?"
She did not answer.
"Here." He pulled a few francs out of his pocket and handed them to her. "I'm sorry I don't have more. Interns aren't very well paid."
"Thank you," Noelle said.
She sat at a small street cafe sipping a coffee and deciding how to pick up the pieces of her life. She knew that she had to survive, for she had a reason to live now. She was filled with a deep and burning hatred that was so all-consuming that it left no room for anything else. She was an avenging Phoenix rising from the ashes of the emotions that Larry Douglas had murdered in her. She would not rest until she had destroyed him. She did not know how, or when, but she knew that one day she would make it happen.
Now she needed a job and a place to sleep. Noelle opened her purse and took out the piece of paper that the young intern had given her. She studied it a moment and made up her mind. That afternoon she went to see Israel Katz's aunt and was given a job modeling in a small, second-rate fashion house on the rue Bour-sault.
Israel Katz's aunt turned out to be a middle-aged, gray-haired woman with the face of a harpy and the soul of an angel. She mothered all her girls and they adored her. Her name was Madame Rose. She gave Noelle an advance on her salary and found her a tiny apartment near the salon. The first thing Noelle did when she unpacked was to hang up her wedding dress. She put it in the front of the closet so that it was the first thing she saw in the morning and the last thing she saw when she undressed at night.
Noelle knew that she was pregnant before there were any visible signs of it, before any tests had been made, before she missed her period. She could sense the new life that had formed in her womb, and at night she lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about it, her eyes glowing with wild animal pleasure.
On her first day off Noelle phoned Israel Katz and made a date to meet him for lunch.
"I'm pregnant," she told him.
"How do you know? Have you had any tests?"
"I don't need any tests."
He shook his head. "Noelle, a lot of women think they are going to have babies when they are not. How many periods have you missed?"
She pushed the question aside, impatiently. "I want your help."
He stared at her. "To get rid of the baby? Have you discussed this with the father?"
"He's not here."
"You know abortions are illegal. I could get into terrible trouble."
Noelle studied him a moment. "What's your price?"
His face tightened angrily. "Do you think everything has a price, Noelle?"
"Of course," she said simply. "Anything can be bought and sold."
"Does that include you?"
"Yes, but I'm very expensive. Will you help me?"
There was a long hesitation. "All right. I'll want to make some tests first."
"Very well."
The following week Israel Katz arranged for Noelle to go to the laboratory at the hospital. When the test results were returned two days later, he telephoned her at work. "You were right," he said. "You're pregnant."
"I know."
"I've arranged for you to have a curettage at the hospital. I've told them that your husband was killed in an accident and that you are unable to have the baby. We'll do the operation next Saturday."
"No," she said.
"Is Saturday a bad day for you?"
"I'm not ready for the abortion yet, Israel. I just wanted to know that I could count on you to help me."
Madame Rose noticed the change in Noelle, not merely a physical change, but something that went much deeper, a radiance, an inner glow that seemed to fill her. Noelle walked around with a constant smile, as though hugging some wonderful secret.
"You have found a lover," Madame Rose said. "It shows in your eyes."
Noelle nodded. "Yes, Madame."
"He is good for you. Hold onto him."
"I will," Noelle promised. "As long as I can."
Three weeks later Israel Katz telephoned her. "I haven't heard from you," he said. "I was wondering if you had forgotten?"
"No," Noelle said. "I think of it all the time."
"How do you feel?"
"Wonderful."
"I've been looking at the calendar. I think that we had better go to work."
"I'm not ready yet," Noelle said.
Three weeks passed before Israel Katz telephoned her again.
"How about having dinner with me?" he asked.
"All right."
They arranged to meet at a cheap cafe on the rue de Chat Qui Peche. Noelle had started to suggest a better restaurant when she remembered what Israel had said about interns not having much money.
He was waiting for her when she arrived. They chatted aimlessly through dinner and it was not until the coffee arrived that Israel discussed what was on his mind.
"Do you still want to have the abortion?" he asked.
Noelle looked at him in surprise. "Of course."
"Then you must have it right away. You're more than two months pregnant."
She shook her head. "No, not yet, Israel."
"Is this your first pregnancy?"
"Yes."
"Then let me tell you something, Noelle. Up until three months, an abortion is usually an easy matter. The embryo has not been fully formed and all you need is a simple curettage, but after three months"--he hesitated--"it's another kind of operation, and it becomes dangerous. The longer you wait, the more dangerous it becomes. I want you to have the operation now."
Noelle leaned forward. "What's the baby like?"
"Now?" He shrugged. "Just a lot of cells. Of course, all the nuclei are there to form a complete human being."
"And after three months?"
"The embryo starts to become a person."
"Can it feel things?"
"It responds to blows and loud noises."
She sat there, her eyes locked onto his. "Can it feel pain?"
"I suppose so. But it is protected with an amniotic sac." He suddenly felt an uneasy stirring. "It would be pretty hard for anything to hurt it."
Noelle lowered her eyes and sat staring at the table, silent and thoughtful.
Israel Katz studied her a moment and then said
shyly, "Noelle, if you want to keep this baby and are afraid to because it will have no father...well, I would be willing to marry you and give the baby a name."
She looked up in surprise. "I have already told you. I don't want this baby. I want to have an abortion."
"Then, for Christ's sake, have it!" Israel shouted. He lowered his voice as he realized that other patrons were staring at him. "If you wait much longer, there isn't a doctor in France who will do it. Don't you understand? If you wait too long, you could die!"
"I understand," Noelle said quietly. "If I were going to have this baby, what kind of diet would you put me on?"
He ran his fingers through his hair, bewildered. "Lots of milk and fruit, lean meat."
That night on her way home Noelle stopped at the corner market near her apartment and bought two quarts of milk and a large box of fresh fruit.
Ten days later Noelle went into Madame Rose's office and told her that she was pregnant and asked for a leave of absence.
"For how long?" Madame Rose asked, eyeing Noelle's figure.
"Six or seven weeks."
Madame Rose sighed. "Are you sure what you are doing is the best thing?"
"I'm sure," Noelle replied.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Nothing."
"Very well. Come back to me as soon as you can. I will ask the cashier to give you an advance on your salary."
"Thank you, Madame."
For the next four weeks Noelle never left her apartment, except to buy groceries. She felt no hunger and ate very little for herself, but she drank enormous quantities of milk for the baby and crammed her body with fruit. She was not alone in the apartment. The baby was with her and she talked to him constantly. She knew it was a boy just as she had known she was pregnant. She had named him Larry.
"I want you to grow to be big and strong," she said as she drank her milk. "I want you to be healthy...healthy and strong when you die." She lay in bed every day plotting her vengeance against Larry and his son. What was in her body was not a part of her. It belonged to him and she was going to kill it. It was the only thing of his that he had left her, and she was going to destroy it just as he had tried to destroy her.