My scowl deepened.
"Come on, man," said Joe, being serious. "It's Thursday night, you're behind the bar, and the place has been pumping all night. And you look like a kid whose puppy died. What gives?"
I sighed again, my shoulders slumping. "I don't know ... just something Nell said today. Well, she's been on me for a while."
Joe and Alex exchanged looks.
"It's nothing really. Stupid. Don't worry about it."
"Okay," said Alex before taking a sip of beer.
"But, you know ... just out of interest," I said. "Do you think I'm a manwhore with no concept of responsibility, incapable of having a meaningful relationship, who just uses women because I wouldn't know real commitment if it bit me on the ass?"
Alex's eyes went real wide.
"That's what Nell says, huh?" asked my brother in a low voice.
"Basically." My tongue pushed at the inside of my cheek. "Sometimes it varies, but pretty much. Yeah."
"Wow," said Alex, staring down at her laptop.
"Just today, she called me a fuckboy. Can you believe that?"
Joe let out a low whistle.
"I mean, you two probably know me best," I said. "She's out of line, right?"
Alex's mouth opened, but nothing actually came out. Same with my brother.
"Right?" I asked again, frowning.
Still nothing.
Fuck's sake. "Come on, I am always up front with women. I tell them straight out, I'm here for a good time, not a long time. They know what they're getting into."
After a moment's hesitation, my brother nodded. Sort of.
"Exactly," I said. "And I'm responsible. I always cover my shifts, I work hard."
"Ye-ah," said Joe, dragging the word out for some damn reason.
Alex winced. "Apart from the other week when you wanted to take that girl kayaking."
"Once," I said, holding up a finger. "Big deal."
"Though there was that woman from the liquor company a fortnight back," said Joe. "What was her name?"
"Jesus, I can't remember. So I left work early. Once." I rolled my eyes and added another finger. Two. So what?
"And the times when you're running late because you forget to set your alarm," said Alex. Fast on her way to no longer being my favorite sort of sister-in-law.
I scoffed, but added another finger to the tally. "Two or three times, maybe. Everyone does it."
"Yeah, but every week?" Alex cocked her head.
"She's got a point, bro." My brother nudged me with his elbow. "Probably add a couple more fingers."
I scowled.
"We're going to need your other hand," she said. "Because do you remember last month when--"
"That's enough," I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
They both shut their mouths, giving each other one of those looks. Couples were downright creepy the way they could do that mind melding shit. Talk about unnatural.
Slowly, I shook my head. "Can't believe you both think she's right."
"No..." Joe grabbed me by the shoulder, giving it a squeeze.
I shrugged him off. "Yeah, you do."
His girlfriend kept quiet. Last time I give her free drinks.
Arcade Fire faded into The Killers and not even an old favorite song could help. All agitated like, I smoothed back my hair, redoing the ponytail. "Unbelievable. Even my own fucking brother thinks I'm useless."
"Man, come on. I did not say that. I think..." He paused. "I think you do your best."
"Yes." Alex clicked her fingers and pointed at me. "Exactly. You do your best, Eric. Everyone knows you're making a real effort. You haven't even screwed any of the waitresses for months now. No one could expect more."
"Jesus, are you serious?" I asked loudly. "You both think my best sucks."
More denials and other bullshit, but I was done. Finished. Also, people were now watching. Curious eyes sizing up the drama, customers and staff. Awesome.
"You close up the bar." I grabbed a bottle of single malt from off the shelf. "I'm out of here."
Someone said my name and Joe did more sighing and fuck them all. I needed some space. Bottle in hand, I left.
*
"Eric?" asked a startled voice.
"Hmm?" I shoved my hair out of my face, pulling the door to my apartment closed behind me. Out of the blurry, low-lit hallway came a woman with concerned eyes. "Jean. Hey. How you doing?"
"Better than you, by the look of it." She pulled her baggy cardigan tighter around her, covering the tank and yoga pants combination passing for pajamas. Her feet were bare, toenails painted Smurf blue.
"Cute toes," I said, giving her a grin.
"Been drinking, huh?"
"Just a little," I said. "Where are my manners? The bottle's back inside. Did you want some?"
"Baby on board." She pointed to her belly. "Remember?"
"Right. I remember." The smile fell off my face. "So what are you doing out here?"
"I could ask you the same thing."
"Yeah, but I asked you first."
All casual like, I leaned against the wall. Not falling over like a sloppy drunk. But it seemed the world had started turning a little fast or something. Standing upright wasn't as easy as it should have been. Guess liquor and gravity didn't really mix. I don't normally drink alone, but between Nell's and Joe's and Alex's bullshit, I needed a drink. Or two.
Anyway, it's possible I may have overdone it a little.
"Just walking up and down the hall. As you do at two in the morning."
"I was going to go for a walk too," I said. "Outside. Get some fresh air. You want to come?"
"Thanks, but I'm dead tired and not really dressed for it." She rubbed her tummy. "Plus it's cold out there."
"You're used to Florida weather." I chuckled. "This is only autumn. Wait 'til winter. Why'd you move here anyway?"
"Honestly, I don't know." She shrugged. "I met Nell on the internet. We started chatting on a pregnancy site and the way she spoke about this town just kind of drew me in. And I thought, why not?"
"Because you're heavily pregnant and alone?"
"Besides that."
I just looked at her.
"Things in Florida weren't great," she said, taking her time, obviously choosing her words with care. She glanced up and down the hallway, as if to check there were no other ears listening in. "Actually, that's kind of an understatement. My parents didn't handle the news regarding my pregnancy very well. I get their point, I was basically fresh out of college, just starting to get my life together."
"Mm."
"They wanted me to give the baby away." She frowned at the thought. "Even lined up a couple from their church to adopt her and everything. They were very persistent, but I just couldn't."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah." She sighed. "Me too. Most of my friends had moved away or were busy living their lives, so I didn't really have a lot of people I could count on. Fortunately, my gran didn't agree with Mom and Dad. Unfortunately, she was very ill. But when she passed she left me some money. Of course, that made things even worse with my parents ... I didn't want to raise a child around all that negativity."
My heavy head floundered, empty of any comforting words.
Eventually, she made a humming noise. "Anyway, the baby started kicking and woke me up. I don't usually lurk in hallways at stupid hours of the morning. But if I move around for a while things usually quiet down again and this hall is longer than the one in my apartment."
"Huh."
"Nice face." The woman laughed.
"What?"
"It's the thought of the baby kicking, isn't it?" she asked. "I don't think you could look more disgusted if you tried."
Shit. "No, no. I'm not disgusted. That's ... that's a terrible thing to say."
"You're doing it again right now," she said. "Every time you look at my belly you go sort of green like you're about to hurl."
"No-o-o."
"You do, Eric. Trust me on this."
I exhaled. "You're wrong. I think it's beautiful, life and everything, you know?"
Her dark brows crept together.
"And you, making that life is ... wow."
"Oh really?"
"Absolutely." I nodded. Then stopped since that made my head spin in a not-good way. "You're beautiful and the baby is..."
"The baby is what?"
"Um. Awesome. Yeah."
Now her brows were one dark line. "I don't think you should be going for a walk. How much have you had to drink?"
"I'm not going to drive. Now that would be irresponsible."
"Wait." Her chin rose. "Is 'going to go for a walk' code for 'off in search of booty'?"
"No. Why would you think that?" I scowled as I figured it out. "Hold up. Nell's been saying shit about me to you, hasn't she?"
"Well, you know." Jean stood with her feet apart, rocking back and forth. "Nell and I are friends so I can't really repeat what we talk about. That would be breaking her confidence, and not okay."
"She did." I hung my head. "I knew it." My knees gave way and I sank to the floor. Fuck it. It was more comfortable than standing anyway. "So now I have to put up with it from you too."
"Put up with what from me?"
"You think I'm a useless manwhore too." Knees drawn up, I let my head fall back against the wall. It kind of hurt. "Everyone does. I'm the worst, just ask my family and friends."
She opened her mouth, then closed it again.
"Eric, she doesn't think you're a bad person."
"Save it."
A pained groan. "Come on, you're wasted. Time to sleep it off. Things will look better in the morning, I promise."
Either the lights had gone out or I'd closed my eyes. Hard to tell which. Maybe I wouldn't bother going for a walk after all; every inch of me felt heavy and tired.
"Eric, get up."
"I'm fine here," I mumbled morosely. "Don't worry 'bout me."
Some sighing. "Maybe I should wake Andre or your brother, get one of them to help me get you back inside."
"No, don't." Slowly, painfully, I crawled back up onto my feet. Everything seemed fuzzy and horrible and sad. Real sad. "See, I can stand on my own."
"All right."
"I don't need them."
"Okay." She held her hand out. "Keys?"
"Huh? Oh. Right."
Blessed with sobriety, Jean got the door open in no time. "Come on."
With one of my arms over her shoulders, she directed me toward the bed. Her head turned this way and that, checking everything out. Old framed collectors' edition LPs and the state-of-the-art record player. Thing looked more like a sculpture than something to spin vinyl on. The fully stocked bar cart in the corner and my sprawling gray sofa that matched the dark walls. A lamp shone dimly. Mood lighting and nothing more.
Jean was looking around the bedroom with interest and a slight smirk on her face.
"What?" I demanded.
"Nothing." She sighed. "But for someone who objects to being labeled a manwhore, your whole apartment looks designed for seduction."
"It's all part of the overall package." I defensively waved an extended hand at my five-hundred-thread-count sheets. "If a girl comes back to your room, you've got to show her a good time. That takes attention to detail. Clothes. Ambience. Lighting. Music. The whole experience. You've got to do it right." I tried to puff out my chest a little, which was tricky given that I was still half-leaning on her for support. "That's like a point of principle with me."
"I have noticed that about you. You're very principled," she said, turning to dump me across the bed.
"Don't sound so sarcastic." The mattress bounced beneath me, making my head spin even worse. "Whoa. Everything's spinning."
"Come on, get your legs up on there."
I grumbled, but did as told.
"You're going to bed wearing all your clothes?"
"Depends." I gave her a sexy smile. "You want to undress me?"
"No. I don't think that's a good idea."
Whatever. Her loss.
"Let's lose the boots though, huh?" Without another word, she started tugging at the laces. "You'll be more comfortable."
"Thanks for this. You're real nice, Jean."
"You're welcome."
"I'm not nice."
She dropped one of my shoes on the ground. "You're not so bad."
"It's okay. You don't have to paf ... pass..."
"Pacify?" she suggested.
"Yeah. You don't have to do that to me." I laced my fingers over my chest and stared at the high ceiling. "Even my own brother and his girlfriend think I'm useless."
Not commenting, she got to work on my other boot.
"I can sort of see why. Obviously, getting Nell pregnant wasn't so good."
Both her mouth and eyes opened wide. "You got her pregnant?"
"Not this time. Last time, when she and Pat were broken up." I grabbed a pillow and shoved it beneath my head. Might as well be comfortable if I was going to bare my soul and shit. "She lost the baby in a car accident. I thought Nell would have told you all this."
"She mentioned a miscarriage, that's all." In slow motion, she set the boot on the floor. "Eric, I'm so sorry."
"'S okay." The less said about that the better.
Her eyes turned liquid in the low light and she sat on the edge of the bed. With both arms, she kind of hugged her belly. "God, that's so sad. You must have been devastated."
"It wasn't looking like I was going to be much of a dad."
"The baby hadn't even been born yet. You might have been great."
"I had a book."
That was the single best thing I could say for my parenting potential. I had a book. On pregnancy and the first few months. The darn thing wasn't even half-read. Joe had gotten it for me. Got me a whole little library of them actually. Each less read than the one before.
Pathetic.
And if it sounded pitiful to my own ears, I could only imagine what Jean thought of me. For a while she said nothing, just sat there while I stared morosely at the ceiling, wishing we had never started this conversation. Maybe everyone was right and I was the worst. Dwelling on my failings was infinitely preferable to thinking about the baby.
She exhaled. "You and Nell..."
"It was an accident," I said, voice barely louder than a whisper. "She and Pat had broken up and she wasn't taking it so well. You know, they've been together since we were kids. No one saw their split coming."
Jean said nothing.
"One night after work, Nell was really laying into the booze. She didn't want to drink alone so I stayed back with her." My whole memory of that night seemed surreal. "Pat had been busy with other women and that hurt her real bad. I was her revenge fuck, really. Her way of getting back at him."
Jean's face was blank, eyes watching me in silence.
"We'd all been friends a long time. I should have said no, but..."
Her face tightened, little lines appearing, and she rose to her feet.
"Please don't go," I said, the words bursting out of me. I rose up on my elbows, breathing fast. "I just don't want to be alone." Alone with the remnants of Glenlivet.
Maybe a minute passed and she still said nothing. We just looked at each other, two veritable strangers talking by my bed in the small hours of the morning. Not an unusual occurrence for me, but doing it fully clothed was a first.
"I won't try anything," I said.
She huffed out a laugh and patted her belly. "Oh, I know you won't."
"Sorry I said you were huge. You're still beautiful."
Her brows rose.
"I mean it."
"Thank you." After giving me a long look, she wandered around to the other side of the bed and sat down with her back to the headboard. "I'll stay for a little while."
"You will?"
A one-shoulder shrug. "Apparently, the baby likes listening to you feeling sorry for yourself. She has
n't kicked since we came in."
"Glad my whining is doing someone some good."
She laughed quietly.
"A little girl?" I asked. "Is that what you said?"
"Yes."
"Huh." It was probably the booze in my system, but the whole idea made me feel strange for some reason. "Nell's was a girl too. I mean, mine. Nell's and mine. We didn't find out until after the accident and the miscarriage. A little girl."
Jean smiled sadly, and a hand reached across to squeeze my shoulder.
I didn't need her sympathy. I didn't need anyone's sympathy. Head turned to the side, I gazed at her bump, mostly in curiosity. "Where's the father?"
"He's not in the picture." She licked her lips. "I just, he was someone I met out one night. It wasn't anything serious, you know?"
"Sure."
She huffed out a little laugh. "Of course you know."
"We're all adults here," I said. "Mostly."
"Yeah, mostly."
"So you had a nice night with him and then ... surprise?"
"Yes. Big surprise." She looked away. "Guess the condom broke or something. That'll teach me not to be on the pill as well. I freaked out like you wouldn't believe. Then came denial; I must have done about a dozen pregnancy tests. But they all came up positive."
"Mm. What then?"
"Then..." She sighed. "I thought really long and hard, I guess. It wasn't an easy decision to make. I had no way of getting in touch with the father. We'd had an okay time together, but he wasn't someone I wanted to see again."
"No?"
"No," she said. "He was a nice enough guy. Fun, very handsome, interesting to talk to. But he was a good-time not a long-time kind of guy. I asked around at the bar where we'd met. He wasn't a regular, though. I can't really imagine that having a baby with me would have been his idea of a good time."
I kept my mouth shut.
Her gaze tightened, searching my face. Not in a good way. My already upset stomach sunk even further. I had the worst fucking feeling that I knew exactly what she was thinking.
"I remind you of him, don't I?" I said.
She nodded. "Yeah, you do."
"Why did you flirt with me in the bar then?"
"Good question." She licked her lips. "You made me feel pretty, I guess. Reminded me of what my life used to be like."
I said nothing.
"Maybe I should have tried harder to find him, but then my folks started complicating everything further." Her forehead lined. "I could deal with only so much at one time."
"Fair enough."
"Let's not talk about him anymore."
"Okay." I stared up at nothing a while longer. "Does it feel like there's a freaky alien inside of you?"
"A freaky alien?"
"Guess she doesn't burst out of your chest all gory like in the movie...."