When my hold had loosened, Mary Ellen slumped to her hands and knees.
“Hey!” I said, bending down to scoop her up. “You all right?”
She stood there trembling and looking completely disoriented.
“How did I get here?” she asked. “I was in the dorm. I thought it was morning.…”
I realized the last memory she had was of waking up to go to class. Xavier flashed me a look of concern. I ignored him and felt Mary Ellen’s forehead.
“I think you may be coming down with something. We better get you back to the dorm.”
“What are you both doing here?” she asked, still dazed.
“We were taking a walk and we found you,” I said. “You really shouldn’t be wandering around by yourself at this time of night.”
“But I wasn’t…”
Xavier propped her up against his shoulder, which seemed to distract her from her previous train of thought.
“C’mon,” he said. “Let’s get you home. I’m sure you’ll feel better in the morning.”
“I don’t feel well,” Mary Ellen said suddenly, as if Xavier hadn’t spoken. Gabriel had once told me that fiddling around with someone’s memories could leave them with a throbbing headache or a feeling of nausea.
“I know,” Xavier said. “Laurie’s right—you probably are coming down with something. We’ll get you to the health center first thing tomorrow.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
Mary Ellen took a few shaky steps in the direction of the dorm before dropping to her knees and vomiting at the base of an old oak. Xavier caught her on the way down and I pulled her hair out of the firing line. She gave a low whimper. It must be scary to find yourself wandering around alone in the dark and have no idea how you got there.
“It’s okay,” Xavier said, keeping one steadying hand on her back and the other wrapped around her middle to keep her from falling forward. He threw me a look that was almost accusatory.
“Was that really necessary?” he hissed into my ear as he helped Mary Ellen to her feet.
Ordinarily, I would have felt regret or guilt over what I’d done, but today I looked into Mary Ellen’s alarmed face and frightened eyes and felt nothing. Yes, it was necessary, I thought to myself. I had done what was necessary to protect us. I was starting to think like my siblings, concerned less about the individual and more about the overall picture. If Mary Ellen had gone screaming to town with the ammunition we’d given her, we’d be in serious trouble right now. I met Xavier’s gaze with a resolute look.
“She’ll live” was all I said.
13
Here Comes the Bride
WHEN Mary Ellen woke up late the next morning, I was waiting for her with a cup of hot coffee and a bacon biscuit. I felt bad about traumatizing her the night before, even though I knew she wouldn’t remember it. She awoke with a moan and buried her head under her pillow.
“What time is it?” she croaked.
“Around noon,” I answered, setting my offerings down on her desk. “How do you feel?”
“Like I got hit by a bus,” she replied theatrically, shielding her eyes from the light. “What happened?”
“You got sick,” I said, trying to keep the information to a bare minimum to avoid questions I wouldn’t be able to answer. I felt like I had performed surgery, only I’d messed it up.
“Was I drinking?” she asked, rubbing her temples.
I took in her sunken eyes, ringed with purple, her dry lips, and tangled hair. Alcohol seemed as good an explanation as any for her current condition. It was the only plausible thing that might have left her wandering around Ole Miss, incoherent and uncoordinated.
“Yeah,” I said. “I think so.” Lies came so easily these days. I no longer stumbled over them or betrayed my true feelings with my body language. I was growing accustomed to weaving a tangled web of deceit wherever I went. But now was not the time to chastise myself. First I needed to cover our tracks.
“Wow, I must have really gone heavy,” she said. “I don’t remember a darn thing.”
“You were pretty far gone when we found you,” I told her, giving little away. “But all that matters is that you got home safe.”
“Laurie…” Mary Ellen asked sheepishly. “Can I ask a favor?”
“Sure,” I sighed, eager to make amends in some small way.
“Please don’t mention this to anyone. If people find out, my reputation will be shot.”
I was taken by surprise but readily agreed. I’d expected Mary Ellen to blab the story all over campus. With her penchant for overexaggerating, I had thought she would tell everyone who’d listen about her ordeal and how she barely made it back alive. But this would work out much better. In fact, Mary Ellen’s fear of sorority girls was the first stroke of luck we’d had in a while.
Once I was convinced she was safe to be left to her own devices, I went to find Xavier at his apartment. Spencer opened the door. I could see past him to Clay sprawled on the couch, his chunky biology textbook propped up on his chest.
“Hey, mini-McGraw,” said Spencer with a lopsided grin. “Welcome to the man cave.”
“Thanks. I think.” I smiled at him and stepped tentatively inside. With four boys living there, Xavier’s apartment was really more of a shrine to life in a fraternity than actual living quarters. Xavier was by habit pretty neat, but the living room was a mess of pizza boxes, cans, and game consoles. None of the furniture matched, it was all thrown together and clearly only there to serve a purpose, and that purpose was functional. Nothing there was intended to be decorative. The Mississippi state flag was hung up on one wall along with the Sigma Chi crest and a wooden cutout of Colonel Reb.
“This whole place smells like boys,” I said, and Spencer laughed.
“Are you saying it smells bad?”
“Nope,” I said. “Just … manly.”
“We are very manly men.” Clay nodded in agreement. “Your brother’s in the shower, but don’t lie … you’re here to see us.”
“You got me,” I said. “I can’t stay away.”
“Ha, yeah, right.” Spencer winked to let me know they were joking. “So did you hear, Ford refused to come out with us last night? We think he has a secret woman in his life.”
“Oh, no,” I said in mock seriousness. “That boy needs to get his priorities straight.”
“I know.” Spencer shook his head. “You better have words with him about it. Imagine putting a girl above your fraternity brothers.”
“It’s a disgrace,” I agreed, and settled on the couch to wait for Xavier. A few moments later he emerged from the bathroom, his hair wet, and nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. For a moment, his body took me by surprise and I had to keep from staring. I hadn’t seen him shirtless in a while and was taken aback by his taut and chiseled form. I felt like I was being rocketed back to our early days, when we had first started dating and I had to make a concerted effort not to make my feelings blatantly obvious. Now I had to pry my eyes away from his muscular chest before anyone noticed.
“Hey,” Xavier said. “Thought I heard your voice.”
“Nice of you to get dressed,” I said pointedly.
“Yeah, man, what kind of show you think we’re running here?” Spencer said.
“Nothing you haven’t seen before.” Xavier shrugged but he grabbed an Ole Miss T-shirt from a pile of fresh laundry and disappeared into his room to get changed. When he came back, he offered me his hand and hauled me up from the sofa.
“C’mon, sis, I’ll buy you lunch,” he said. I knew he was looking for an excuse to get out of the apartment so we could spend some time alone.
“You never buy us lunch,” Spencer grumbled. “How come?”
“Don’t like you,” Xavier called over his shoulder. Spencer hurled a cushion after him as we disappeared through the doorway.
* * *
IN Xavier’s pickup truck, I settled back, finally able to be myself for a while. As he started the eng
ine, the chords of Brad Paisley filtered through the stereo and my feet started tapping of their own accord.
“Do you see what Ole Miss has done to me?” Xavier said. “I’m voluntarily tuned in to a country music station.” He drummed his fingers against the wheel as he mouthed the words: “Listenin’ to old Alabama, drivin’ through Tennessee…”
“You’re a country boy at heart,” I told him. “Just accept it.”
Xavier plucked at my baggy checked shirt. “There’s only one redneck in this car,” he said playfully.
“You know they think you have a secret girlfriend,” I told him, catching hold of his hand and playing with his fingers. I missed being able to touch him whenever I liked and wanted to take full advantage of the moment.
“Who, them?” He used his free hand to jerk his thumb back toward the apartment. “Who cares? They’ll have a tough time guessing who.”
“Do you ever just want to tell everyone?” I sighed. “About us.”
“Yep,” Xavier said. “Especially since Spencer told the whole frat house about my smokin’ little sister.”
“He did not!” I couldn’t help laughing. Spencer was such a character.
“Oh, he did. They all want to meet you now.” Xavier shook his head. “Not gonna happen.”
“Whatever,” I told him. “I’ve got it worse. The girls are pretty much obsessed with you.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Xavier scoffed. “They don’t even know me.”
“They know your star sign, all the sports you play, where you worked last summer, and who you went on senior camp with,” I said.
“Huh?” Xavier looked at me blankly. “How?”
“Don’t underestimate the art of Facebook stalking.”
“That is messed up,” Xavier laughed.
My cell phone vibrated and I looked down to see a text from Molly wanting to know what I was doing.
“Here we go,” Xavier groaned. “Can you tell her you’re studying?”
“She says she has news.…”
“Probably something about the Kardashians.” Xavier rolled his eyes.
We decided to go get lunch and worry about Molly later. We found a quiet booth at the back of a diner and settled in. I ran my hands over the cracked burgundy vinyl and watched the colored egg-shaped lights overhead. It was dark and noisy inside the diner and I felt like we could truly hide away from the world. The walls were covered in dusty framed photographs and variations of the flag and the ceiling was studded with toothpicks, their tips twinkling with cellophane.
“This is great,” I said. “I love being at college.”
“Yep.” Xavier stretched and kicked back in his seat. “Most carefree days of our lives.”
“How long do you think it’ll last?” I tried not to look downcast.
“Doesn’t matter,” Xavier said. “What matters is we’re here together. If it lasts a year or just one more week, at least we got to experience it. And who knows, maybe we’ll be back someday.”
“What would you be if you hadn’t met me?” I asked suddenly. “I mean, what would you be doing?”
Xavier didn’t hesitate to answer. “I’d be Xavier Woods, pre-med, secret Bama fan, Sigma Chi legacy … total man whore.”
“I’m being serious!” I scolded.
“What kind of a question is that?” Xavier said. “Everything would be different if I hadn’t met you.”
“Yes, but how?” I insisted.
“Well for starters, I would never have seen as much as I’ve seen, which means I wouldn’t value what I have as much as I do. I’d probably still be searching for the right girl and I’d probably end up in some white-collar job, in a nice neighborhood, with a nice family.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” I murmured.
“I said nice,” Xavier emphasized. “Not extraordinary. It would never be like what we have.”
“I guess not,” I said halfheartedly. I couldn’t stop imagining the family he might have one day, if I wasn’t around to cause upheaval in his life. It wasn’t that I couldn’t give him children; I just couldn’t provide the stable environment in which to raise them. At least not yet and maybe not ever. That picture-perfect life was everything I wanted and Xavier was throwing it away without a thought. Was he underestimating its value? I couldn’t let him do that.
Xavier reached across the table and took my hand.
“You want to know what the biggest difference is?” he asked softly, and I glanced up. I could almost feel the warmth from his blue eyes feeding into me. “I’d still be questioning my faith. I’d be struggling like everyone else, trying to make sense of the world. But because of you, I have conviction like I never thought possible. I’ve seen the power of Heaven; I know what angels can do. Because of you, Hell isn’t just a place I hear about in Bible study—it’s a reality. Because of you, I know there’s a God above and He’s watching over me every step of the way. Because of you, I now believe there’s a Heaven and one day we will get there … together.”
“The white place,” I whispered, and I felt his fingers squeeze mine. “You know, when I look at you, I feel this presence … like Our Father has special plans for you.”
It was true, Xavier’s energy seeped into everything around him, and it was impossible to be unhappy in his presence. Sometimes I felt like I could even taste him. He tasted like sunshine. Like love.
“I don’t feel like we’re two separate people anymore,” Xavier said, smiling dreamily over the rim of his sweet tea. “It’s like I live inside you and you live inside me. We’re pretty much the same person.”
“That’s how Our Father intended man and woman to live and love,” I replied. “Mimicking the relationship of the trinity, in unity with one another.”
I noticed the girl at the next table staring at us and abruptly pulled my hand away. It was difficult to remember that we couldn’t have these intensely personal moments in public anymore. Xavier coughed slightly and seemed to shake himself like he was waking from a dream.
“So anyway,” he said in the most offhanded tone he could manage. “Should we see what Molly wanted?”
We both recognized it was a lot safer to hang out with Molly than to risk being on our own. The temptation to get lost in each other was just too strong. I sent a text telling her to meet us at the diner and she turned up fifteen minutes later, bouncy as ever in a white “Harvard of the South” T-shirt and bright pink shorts. She flopped into the booth and looked at us both, grinning from ear to ear.
“Guess what?”
“What?” Xavier looked like he was regretting this already.
“I have news.”
“We heard.”
“Big news,” Molly emphasized. “Life-changing news.”
“Come on.” I laughed. “Just tell us already.”
Molly suddenly whipped her left hand from her lap and placed it triumphantly on the tabletop. It was impossible to miss the sparkling engagement ring on her finger. My mouth dropped open and she beamed from ear to ear.
“Say hello to the future Mrs. Wade Harper the Third.”
“Oh, good Lord…” Xavier didn’t know what to say.
“I know, right!” Molly squealed and threw herself at me in a hug. “Isn’t it amazing?”
“Well … yeah,” I said, trying to sound enthusiastic. “But are you sure you’re ready for this? You’re only eighteen.”
“So are you, and you married Xavier,” Molly protested.
“Yes but I … that was … I guess you’re right.” I didn’t know how to tell her that Xavier and I were different without sounding conceited. But it was true, we were in a very different situation, we had seen a lot together, our relationship had well and truly been tested. We hadn’t made some spur-of-the-moment decision. I felt awful thinking it, but to me Molly’s rash engagement seemed the equivalent of a drunken Vegas wedding. Did either of them really know what they were getting into?
“Molly…” Xavier leaned forward and he adopted his older-broth
er voice. “Are you sure you’ve thought this through? Do you really know Wade that well?”
“You sound like my father,” Molly retorted.
“Have you told him?” Xavier wanted to know.
“No, but I bet that’s what he’d say. My parents are supposed to criticize, my friends are supposed to be happy for me.” She glared at us both, clearly disenchanted by the mildness of our reaction.
“We are happy for you!” I said, flashing Xavier a look. “You just took us by surprise, that’s all.”
Molly’s face softened. “Well, Wade took me by surprise.” She twirled her hair around her finger like a schoolgirl. “It’s going to be so romantic. You’ll see. Wade and I are going to be just as happy as you are.”
I didn’t tell her that our happiness came at an expense. On the outside, we might appear like the ultimate couple in love, but we’d been to Hell and back, literally, fighting for the right to be together. Love wasn’t so much a feeling anymore, but a lifelong commitment. That was love. That was marriage. And I wasn’t sure Molly was quite there yet.
14
Showdown