I frowned. “What did he say?”
“That medicine was still my calling. And I think he’s right, it’s my way of making a contribution. When all this is settled down, I want to go back to college. I want to be a doctor.”
“You’ve always wanted that.”
“No.” He shook his head. “Before it was my parents choosing for me. Now, it feels right.”
“Good,” I said. “Because you’re going to make a great doctor.”
“One day.”
22
Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace
WE decided not to return to Ole Miss for a few days. Xavier needed time to recover physically and I was emotionally drained from the stress. We hid out in the house, mostly sleeping and only wandering downstairs to eat and interact briefly with my siblings. Ivy seemed to have bounced back as usual, but I didn’t see much of Gabriel. He stayed locked away in his room and hardly spoke to any of us. I was still amazed at the sacrifice he’d been willing to make for us. I prayed every night for him and thanked my Father for sparing Xavier’s life. When I finally thought to check my phone, I found a barrage of missed calls from Molly, Mary Ellen, and even some of Xavier’s friends all wanting to know what had happened to us. I recalled Molly’s announcement about her engagement to Wade, but I didn’t have the space in my brain to worry about it just yet.
I lay down against Xavier, curling up against his warm gray T-shirt and feeling his soft hair tickle my nose.
“I’m sorry,” I told him for the hundredth time since we’d woken up.
“Beth, please.” He rolled over and stared at the ceiling. “It wasn’t your fault. I’m the one who’s sorry you had to see me like that.”
“It wasn’t you,” I replied. “None of it was.”
“But I let him in.”
“You were dead. He invaded your body. You couldn’t help that.”
“It’s so weird to think I was dead,” Xavier murmured. “I wish I could say I saw a bright light or something, but all I saw was you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “Just different variations of you: you on the porch swing, you and Phantom asleep on the couch at Byron, you in your dress on prom night. It’s like I was supposed to be seeing Heaven, but all I wanted to see was your face. I guess my Heaven is you.”
“I was so scared.” I turned my cheek across the pillow to face him. “Thinking you were going to die. It made me realize there isn’t anywhere I wouldn’t follow you to.”
The corners of Xavier’s mouth turned up in a smile. “You know something? Heaven is supposed to be so pissed at us right now … but you and I both should have died over and over again. But we’re still here. Do you know what that means?”
“We’re like cats?” I asked. “We’ve got nine lives.”
“Maybe.” He laughed. “But I think it means someone is looking out for us.”
“I hope so,” I said, kicking my foot out from under the covers and letting the sunlight through the window warm my toes. “I’d like to believe that.”
When my phone went off for the fifth time in under twenty minutes, I sighed and leaned out of bed to retrieve it. It was no surprise the missed call was from Molly. I called out to my sister in the next room and she poked her head through the door.
“What am I supposed to do about Molly?” I asked. “She’s freaking out.”
“Let her come over,” Ivy said. “Shutting her out usually does more damage than good.”
That much was true. Molly hated to be ignored or excluded and if she got worried, she was capable of putting up missing-person posters all around campus. Xavier hid his face beneath the cover.
“Don’t be like that,” I said, nudging him. “She’s our friend. We should be excited to see her.”
“Yay,” he replied flatly.
* * *
WHEN Molly turned up, she seemed calmer than usual, less hyperactive and excitable.
“I’ve been worried,” she said, sitting down at the kitchen table while Ivy poured her some tea and set a plate of cookies down. “Is everything okay?”
“No,” I said truthfully. “But it will be. We’re working on it.”
Molly nodded and looked at her hands. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Have a cookie,” I told her.
“Beth, be serious.”
“We appreciate your support,” Ivy cut in. “But there really isn’t anything you can help us with. The situation is messy enough already.”
“Messy how?” Molly wanted to know.
“I’d rather not discuss it,” Ivy said delicately. “I would hate to implicate you.”
“But you’re all going to be okay, right?” Molly jerked her thumb at Xavier. “He doesn’t look so hot. And no offense, Beth, but neither do you.”
“They’re going to be fine,” Ivy replied. “They’re just tired.”
Ordinarily, we might have let Molly in on what was happening. After all, she already knew our identities. But I understood the reason behind my sister’s silence was not mistrust. The less Molly knew, the safer she would be. We didn’t want any more blood on our hands.
“Don’t worry.” I gave her my most convincing grin. “We’ll be back to normal in no time.”
“Okay,” Molly said, sounding surprisingly mature. “I don’t want to make things worse.”
“So tell us about Wade,” I said, eager to change the subject. At the mention of his name, Molly’s eyes seemed to grow misty.
“He’s so great,” she said with a sigh. “I’ve just wanted to tell everyone, but of course I can’t.”
“Why’s that?” Xavier asked.
“Well, I can’t tell people who aren’t invited to the wedding. Wade doesn’t want to invite anyone outside the faith.”
Xavier and I exchanged puzzled glances. As far as we knew you didn’t have to be a particular denomination to attend a wedding.
“Isn’t Wade Christian?” I asked.
“Yes,” Molly said. “Well, sort of. His family started their own church. It’s still pretty small but it’s growing. They don’t really like to associate with outsiders, they think it’s dangerous.”
“Dangerous?” Xavier repeated. “How?”
“You know, corrupting influences and all that,” Molly said dismissively. “Wade says television is the devil’s mouthpiece and that negative messages can be transmitted through social groups as well.”
“Exactly what kind of negative messages is he afraid of?” I asked. This wasn’t sounding healthy to me. “Don’t you think faith needs to be tested for it to be proven?”
“I don’t know,” Molly said. “But Wade says isolating myself from bad things will bring me closer to God.” She sounded like she was quoting from a rule book.
“It sounds like a cult to me,” Xavier said bluntly, voicing what the rest of us were thinking.
“It isn’t,” Molly snapped. “They might not be mainstream, but they really know what they’re talking about.”
“What denomination do they classify themselves as?” I asked.
“Huh?” Molly asked.
“You know,” Xavier said impatiently. “Are they Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian?”
“I told you,” Molly repeated emphatically. “It’s a family religion.”
“So it’s made-up?”
“No,” she insisted angrily. “It’s just one of the many versions of Christianity.”
“You can’t alter Christianity!” I exclaimed. “Only the Bible is gospel—you can’t just invent your own rules!”
“Look.” Molly laid her hands flat on the tabletop. “I don’t care what you say. Wade and his family have taught me a lot. They showed me everything I was doing wrong in life.”
I didn’t like the sound of this. Anyone who took the word of God and manipulated it to form their own religion was trying to play by their own rules and pass it off as faith.
“What did they tell you?” Ivy asked.
“Oh, just l
ittle things,” she replied. “Like how I should dress and how I shouldn’t speak to men who aren’t my husband.” She waved her hands at Xavier. “Don’t worry, you have a wife so you don’t count.”
“Molly…” Xavier said slowly. “You don’t have to believe everything they say.”
“Well, actually, Wade is my fiancé,” Molly replied. “And I have to be obedient to him.”
“Obedient?” Xavier repeated. “What, like a dog?”
The old Molly might have gotten angry, but she just shook her head sadly. “You clearly don’t understand. Wade is trying to save my soul from Hell. He says your husband should be your earthly God.”
“What?” My eyes almost bugged out of my head. “That’s completely sacrilegious.”
“It is not,” Molly said. “It makes sense.”
“It’s breaking a commandment,” Ivy said gently. “You shall have no other God’s before me.”
“He didn’t say he was God, he just believes that … look, whatever, Wade knows what he’s talking about.”
“I don’t think he does.” The voice came from the doorway and we all turned to see Gabriel standing there. His white blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail and his cheekbones looked sharper from the ordeal he’d been through. But he was just as painfully handsome as ever. I could hear Molly’s heart begin to beat faster when she laid eyes on him.
“What did you say?” she asked defiantly.
Gabriel didn’t move from the doorway, where he leaned with his arms folded. His silver-blue eyes stared unblinking. “I think you’re making a big mistake.”
Molly let out a sharp breath. “Well, this has nothing to do with you, does it?”
“No, but your fiancé sounds like a raging idiot.”
I saw Ivy’s head jerk up. Gabriel never spoke that way, not to anyone. He was always distant and detached, laying out arguments in clear, rational points. Now he actually sounded like he was emotionally involved. Was that even possible?
“How dare you!” Molly stood up, her chair screeching across the floor. “You have no right to judge him.”
“I don’t want to see you miserable,” Gabriel said. “Living out the rest of your life in a loveless marriage.”
“How do you know it would be loveless?”
“I can see it in your eyes. You’re pretending, trying to convince yourself to be happy. You think if Wade gives you something to believe in, your life will have meaning. But Wade and his rules can’t fill the gaping hole you feel, Molly.”
“You don’t get to care about me!” Molly yelled suddenly. “You didn’t want me, remember? I’m too human, too flawed for you to ever give a damn about so why don’t you leave me alone?”
“Maybe I was wrong,” Gabriel said softly.
All three of us simultaneously looked up to gape at him.
“You…” Molly was stammering to get the words out. “You what?”
“I didn’t think it would end up like this,” Gabriel murmured. “Things were not supposed to happen this way.”
“What are you talking about?” Molly looked frantically up at Ivy and me. “What’s he talking about?”
“Gabe?” Ivy asked slowly. “What’s going on?”
“I’m sick of fighting.” Gabriel gave a heavy shrug. “I’m sick of this endless war between angels and demons and seeing nothing but pain and death all around us. There has to be something better. There has to be some other way. When will there be peace, Ivy? The battle has been raging for centuries. When will it be over?”
“I don’t know,” my sister admitted. “But that is how our lives have always been, since the beginning of time.”
“Then maybe Bethany has been right all along. Maybe it’s better to be human or at least allow ourselves to love them.”
“What are you saying?” Molly’s blue eyes were wide.
“I’m saying that yes, you are flawed,” Gabriel said. “You are impulsive and short-tempered, brash and foolish. Your heart is fickle and your mood changes faster than the wind. But that is what makes you human and that is what makes you beautiful.”
“You think I’m beautiful?” Molly could barely get the words out.
Gabriel crossed the room in two strides and Molly stood up to face him. He placed his ringed hands on her slender shoulders.
“You belong to no one,” he told her intently. “Unlike me, you are not owned. You were created to be free, to live and love and find happiness. I was not built for happiness; I was built for nothing but servitude. But you … you feel so much and so passionately and I think it is beautiful.”
“This is bad,” I whispered to Xavier. “This is very, very bad.”
“What the heck is going on?” he hissed.
“A moment of doubt,” I said. “With his wings injured even Gabriel isn’t infallible. He’s questioning his faith … just like a human would.”
“I don’t like it,” Xavier said uncomfortably. Molly and Gabriel remained transfixed, their eyes locked on one another.
“My life is governed by rules,” Gabriel said, almost to himself.
Before any of us knew what was happening, Gabriel took Molly’s face in his hands, leaned down, and kissed her. It was like watching a scene from ancient mythology, the legendary hero and the fair maiden united. Although it couldn’t have lasted more than ten seconds, I felt as if time stood still as they were locked in their embrace. Gabriel’s powerful form, curved around her as their bodies pressed together, his fingers caught in a mess of titian curls. It was so sudden I almost didn’t believe it happened. It seemed Molly was struggling to wrap her head around it as well. When he released her, she was so intoxicated she fell back into her chair without saying a word.
“Wow” was all she could say when she finally mustered enough breath to speak.
“Wow,” Xavier echoed.
Ivy ran forward and shook Gabriel’s arm. “Stop! I know things have been hard lately, but this is too much.”
“No,” Gabriel replied with a short laugh. “Having my wings sawed from my back and Lucifer as a house guest … that was too much. This is a release.”
“Please,” Ivy said pressingly. “You’re going to regret this later. I know it.”
“I won’t regret it,” Gabriel said. “Because this is the first thing I’ve ever done for myself.”
Listening to them, a strange expression came over Molly’s face. As they continued to argue, she moved so she was standing behind my brother. Then slowly, she reached out and lifted the tail of his shirt. Everyone fell silent as she slid her hands up his back and rested them on his broken wings. I saw Gabriel shiver and drop his head. He didn’t speak and it was impossible to tell what emotion he was feeling, but he didn’t move or push her away. Neither of them seemed to notice they had an audience. Or maybe they just didn’t care. They were too caught up in their own private moment.
“It’s okay,” Molly told him, her fingertips stroking his wings beneath the shirt. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I’m sorry,” Gabriel said without looking up.
“Don’t be,” Molly replied. “You don’t have to take responsibility for everything and everyone. You can make mistakes, you know?”
Ivy, Xavier, and I all looked at one another. It was clear this moment was intensely personal and we all felt as if we shouldn’t be there. Molly’s phone vibrated on the kitchen table and she seemed to jump out of her trance. Wade’s name flashed on the screen. She quickly dropped her hands and gathered up her belongings.
“I should go.…” She stumbled over her words. “I really don’t … I just wanted to … I should go.”
A moment later we heard the front door slam behind her. We all turned to stare at Gabriel.
“What?” he asked irritably.
“Do you … um … want to talk about this?”
“No, thank you, Bethany,” he said almost sarcastically. “I don’t need relationship advice from the couple of the year.”
He regarded us all with host
ility for a moment, before disappearing onto the back porch.
Xavier turned to Ivy, lost for words. “Do you … does he need to see a therapist?”
“Gabriel has seen every human atrocity since the dawn of time,” my sister replied. “It’d be a long session.”
“This is temporary, right?” I asked worriedly. “Once his wings are healed he’ll be back to normal?”
“Fortunately, yes,” Ivy said. “We should be grateful it wasn’t worse. The destruction of an angel’s wings can cause injury beyond repair. But Gabriel will heal.”
“I don’t understand how damage to his wings can make him behave this way,” Xavier said. “I mean, Molly … seriously?”
“Our essence is contained within our wings,” Ivy replied. “They are the source of all our power, like the roots of a tree. When the roots are poisoned, the whole tree suffers. He has been weakened, made susceptible to doubt and worry and a multitude of emotions he has never been exposed to before.”
“So what should we do?”
“Nothing,” my sister replied. “He just needs time.”
“And what about Molly?” I asked.
“His new feelings for her will disappear and he will return to being the Archangel Gabriel,” Ivy said.
“Great,” Xavier said. “That should go down well.”
* * *
I left Xavier and Ivy to talk and pushed open the screen door to find my brother sitting on the creaking porch steps, looking out at the tangled yard. He was staring at the dead leaves beneath his shoes, his forehead creased with what looked like confusion. Anybody could see he was not himself.
“You know this isn’t you,” I said, settling down beside him. “All of this is only temporary, it’s going to pass.”
It felt strange, me being the one to give him advice. It had always been the other way around.
“How do you stand it?” Gabriel asked softly. “The instability of human life. Why would you want to feel as they do? It’s chaos. I cannot find space inside my head to think.”
I smiled. “It’s not for all of us.”
When Gabriel looked at me, I noticed his eyes were darker, like an internal storm was raging. For the first time he looked like he understood me, like he perhaps even identified with me a little.