Here was Rena, a brown leather case lined in green figured velvet holding a spread-eagled wax nude with a white cat head made in white bunny fur. The lid was lined with doll furniture and decorated in fanned phony greenbacks. Niki was an American Tourister glazed in magenta enamel, metal-flaked like a drumkit. Inside, it had knackwursts made from condoms stuffed with foam rubber. For Yvonne, I’d found a child’s suitcase and covered it in pastel blanket fuzz. Inside stretched guitar wire, and little baby dolls were tangled there. I was looking for a music box, so that when you opened the lid, it would play “Michelle.”
Marvel’s was turquoise, it opened to reveal white gravel stuck to the bottom, and a battery-powered flashlight signaling SOS in Morse code. One of our art student friends helped me wire it. Girl toy soldiers — free giveaways from an American movie — crawled among the moon rocks with their AK-47s. I’d painted tiny swastikas on their arms. There was a little TV screen in the lid, where a decoupaged Miss America beamed, her face dotted with clear nailpolish tears.
Starr and Ray shared a plastic cloth suitcase with cracked leather bindings, bleached tan with a faded plaid. When you propped it open, it released a heady scent of raw wood and Obsession. Against bright op-art jersey I’d crisscrossed strips of a Pendleton plaid. Inside the lid, a prom-pink satin rose uncoiled, richly vaginal, under a glow-in-the-dark Jesus. The edges were furred with wood shavings from a local cabinetmaker, poodle curly. The base held a tiny reliquary chest, filled with chunks of scrap lead. You couldn’t get bullets in Europe, I’d had to make do. In a glass terrarium on the bottom, a snake crawled over yellow sand, broken glass, and a half-buried pair of wire-rimmed glasses.
Like Berlin, I was layered with guilt and destruction. I had caused grief as well as suffering it. I could never honestly point a finger without it turning around in mid-accusation.
Olivia Johnstone was a hatbox covered in green crocodile plastic that released Ma Griffe when you opened it. Dagmar, the perfume counter girl at the Wertheim Department Store, let me wet cotton balls with the sample perfumes, which I stashed in film canisters in my pockets. Inside, I’d woven a nest of taupe and black stockings, which surrounded a Carnival mask of black feathers, and a beaker that held the white ocean. On its surface floated a gumball ring, also white.
They were all here. A lunchbox decoupaged in flea market postcards of fin de siècle aristocracy was the Amelia Ramos. Inside, antique forks thrust up through a mat of black wig hair striped in white. The forks looked like hands reaching out, begging.
And Claire. I built her memorial from a train case from the thirties, white leather with red patent trim. It cost me 50DM, but it opened to watermarked mauve moiré silk, like the grain in wood, like a funeral in a box. Inside the lid, I’d glued pieces of white-painted record vinyl to resemble the wings of butterflies. Each tiny cache drawer had a secret inside. A reticulated, miniature fish. A drawer full of pills. A strand of pearls. A fern fiddle. A sprig of rosemary. A picture of Audrey Hepburn in Two for the Road. And in one drawer, twenty-seven names for tears. Heartdew. Griefhoney. Sadwater. Die Tränen. Eau de douleur. Los rios del corazón. It was the one Oskar Schein kept wanting to buy.
All my mothers. Like guests at a fairy-tale christening, they had bestowed their gifts on me. They were mine now. Olivia’s generosity, her knowledge of men. Claire’s tenderness and faith. If not for Marvel, how would I have penetrated the mysteries of the American family? If not for Niki, when might I have learned to laugh? And Yvonne, mi hermosa, you gave me the real mother, the blood mother, that wasn’t behind wire, but somewhere inside. Rena stole my pride but gave me back something more, taught me to salvage, glean from the wreckage what could be remade and resold.
I carried all of them, sculpted by every hand I’d passed through, carelessly, or lovingly, it didn’t matter. Amelia Ramos, that skunk-streaked bitch, taught me to stand up for myself, beat on the bars until I got what I needed. Starr tried to kill me, but also bought me my first high heels, made me entertain the possibility of God. Who would I give up now?
And in a blue suitcase with a white handle, the first and last room of the Astridkunsthalle. Lined in white raw silk, edges stained red, scented with violet perfume.
I sat on the floor in the gathering dusk of a gray afternoon on the threadbare carpet splotched in paint by generations of art students. This was my mother’s time, dusk, though in Berlin winter it was dark by four, no timeless western twilights, surf on yellow sand. I opened the lid.
The scent of her violets always made me feel sad. The vial of tinted water was the exact color of the pool on Hollywood Boulevard. I sat in front of my mother’s altar and built a set of drawings on clear plastic, watched the disjointed lines come together, until they formed the image of her in profile. Letters tied in barbed wire nestled in the suitcase bottom along with a spread of tarot cards, the queen of wands prominently featured. A row of glass fragments hung from the lid, I ran my fingers along them so they chimed, and imagined wind through the eucalyptus on a hot summer night.
We wrote a couple of times a month, using the comic book shop near the university as a letter-drop. Sometimes she had her lawyer send me a little money via Hana Gruen in Cologne, from her poems or more likely scammed off a fan. I told her I didn’t want to know about her preparations for trial, but her letters boasted of offers lined up — Amherst, Stanford, Smith. Dangling the carrot of green college campuses. I imagined myself a professor’s daughter, riding a bike to my classes. I could wear a camel’s hair coat at last, have a roommate, play intramural volleyball, all paid for in advance. How safe it would be, contained, everything decided for me. I could be a child again, I could start over. Sure I wouldn’t want to come home?
I reached out and touched a tine of the barbed wire, rang the chimes. The beauty and the madness, wasn’t it. What was being weighed on the scales of the night.
Later, I lay under the feather bed, fully clothed, not for sleep but just to stay warm. The space heater buzzed and threw out the familiar smell of burned hair. The windowpanes were frosted over, and I could see my breath in the room. I was listening to a tape, a band called Magenta, our friends thought it was far out we knew the singer, Niki Colette. They were playing in Frankfurt next month, we already had tickets, a place to crash. I still heard from Yvonne at Christmastime, she was living in Huntington Beach with an ex-Marine named Herbert, with whom she had a son, Herbert, Jr.
I was waiting for Paul to come home, I was hungry. He was supposed to pick up some food after his appointment with a printer for his next graphic book. He was trying to get someone to print it cheap and take a piece of the sales. His last German publisher had OD’d in the fall, leaving us back at square one. But he had presold two hundred copies, not bad at all.
He came home about nine, took off his boots and climbed under the covers. He had a greasy paper bag of kebabs from the local Turkish fast food. My stomach growled. Paul threw a newspaper on top of me. “Guess who?” he said.
It was tomorrow’s International Herald Tribune, still smelling of wet ink. I looked at the front page. Croatia, OPEC, bomb threat at La Scala. I opened it and there she was on page three: JAILED POET FOUND INNOCENT AFTER NINE YEARS. Smiling her half-smile, waving like royalty returning from exile, happy but still mistrusting the masses. She had made it through trial without me. She was free.
Paul ate his kebab sandwich, dropping pieces of salad back onto the bag as I quickly read the story, more shocked than I’d thought I would be. They’d taken the defense that Barry had committed suicide and made it look like murder. I was appalled that it worked. My mother was quoted saying how grateful she was that justice had been done, she looked forward to taking a bath, she thanked the jurors from the bottom of her heart. She said she’d received offers to teach, to publish her autobiography, to marry an ice-cream millionaire and pose for Playboy, and she was going to accept them all.
Paul offered me a falafel, I shook my head. Suddenly, I wasn’t hungry anymore. “Save it for later,”
he said, and dropped the bag by the side of the bed. His rich brown eyes asked every question. He didn’t have to say a word.
I rested my head in the crook of his shoulder and gazed at the squares of blue TV light shining through the frost blossoms on our window from the windows just across the way. I tried to imagine what she was feeling right now. In Los Angeles it was noon. A bright sunny February, it looked from the picture. I imagined her in a hotel room, courtesy Susan D. Valeris, some luxury suite full of flowers from well-wishers, waking up on fresh sheets. She would have her bath in a double-wide tub, and write a poem overlooking the winter roses.
Then she might take a few interviews, or rent a white convertible for a spin down the beach, where she’d pick up a young man with clear eyes and sand in his hair, and make love to him until he wept with the beauty of it. What else would you do when you were acquitted of murder?
It was too much to imagine her tempering her joy with a moment of grief, a moment for the knowledge of what her triumph had cost. I couldn’t expect that from her. But I had seen her remorse, and it had nothing to do with Barry or anyone else, it was a gift offered despite a price she had had no way to estimate then, it could have been heavy as mourning, final as a tomb. No matter how much she had damaged me or how flawed she was, how violently mistaken, my mother loved me, unquestionably.
I thought of her, facing a court of law without the pawn formation of my lies. The queen stripped bare, she had mastered the end game on her own.
Paul rolled a Drum cigarette, the shreds like hair as he lifted them from the bag, tore the shag from the ends, lit it with a match scraped under the box that served as our end table. “You want to go call her?” We couldn’t afford a phone. Oskar Schein let us use his.
“Too cold.”
He smoked, the ashtray resting on his chest. I reached over and took a puff, handed it back. We had come such a long way together, Paul and I. From the apartment on St. Marks to the squat in South London, an uninsulated barge in Amsterdam, now Senefelderstrasse. I wished we knew someone in Italy, or Greece. I hadn’t been warm since I left L.A.
“Do you ever want to go home?” I asked Paul.
He brushed an ash from my face. “It’s the century of the displaced person,” he said. “You can never go home.”
He didn’t have to tell me, he was afraid I was going to go back. Become an American college coed on the three-meal plan, field hockey and English comp, and leave him holding the foster kid bag. There it was. On the one hand, there was Frau Acker and the rent, my cough, Paul’s print run. On the other, a place with heat, a degree, decent food, and someone taking care of me.
I’d never told him, sometimes I felt old. How we lived was depressing. Before, I couldn’t afford to think about it, but now that she was out, how could I not. And now Oskar Schein was asking if he could see me alone, take me to dinner, he wanted to talk to me about a gallery show. I’d put him off, but I didn’t know how long I could hold out. I found him attractive, a bearish man with a cropped silver beard. Lying down for the father again. If it weren’t for Paul, I’d have done it months ago. But Paul was more than my boyfriend. He was me.
And now my mother was calling me, I didn’t have to get on the phone. I could hear her. My blood whispered her name.
I stared at her photograph, waving in the California sunlight. At this very moment, she was out. Driving around, ready to start again fresh, so American after all. I thought of my life bundled in suitcases against the wall, the shapes I had taken, the selves I had been. Next I could be Ingrid Magnussen’s daughter at Stanford or Smith, answering the hushed breathless questions of her new children. She’s your mother? What’s she really like? I could do it. I knew how to trade on my tragic past, skillfully revealing my scars, my foster kid status, I’d perfected the art with Joan Peeler. People took me up, made me their project, their pet. They cast themselves as my champions, and I let them. I hadn’t come this far to be left at some river bottom among the wrecked cars.
To be my mother’s daughter again. I played with the idea like a child with a blanket, running it between my fingers. To be lost in the tide of her music again. It was an idea more seductive than any man. Was it really too late for childhood, to crawl back into the crucible, to dissolve into the fire, to rise without memory? The phoenix must burn... How would I dare? It had taken me this long to be free of her shadow, to breathe on my own, even if in this singed-hair space-heater Europe.
I lay in Paul’s arms, thinking how we’d gone up to Denmark last summer to find Klaus Anders. We located him in Copenhagen. He was living in a shabby flat with his children, it smelled of turpentine and stale milk. His wife was off working. It was three in the afternoon when we came calling, he had on a blue seersucker bathrobe covered with paint. There were two kids under five, my half sister and brother from his third or fourth marriage, on the couch watching TV. The girl had strawberry jam in her hair, the baby needed changing, and I saw the chain of disaster could move laterally as well as up and down.
He’d been painting, a biomorphic abstraction that looked like an old shoe with hair. He offered us Carlsbergs and asked about my mother. I drank and let Paul do most of the talking. My father. His handsome forehead, his Danish nose, just like mine. His voice lilting with its accent, humorous even when expressing re-gret. A man who never took anything seriously, least of all himself. He was pleased I was an artist, unsurprised my mother was in prison, sorry we’d never met. He wanted to make up for lost time, offered to let us stay, we could sleep on the couch, I could help out with the kids. He was sixty-one years old, and so ordinary.
I had felt like my mother, sitting in his living room, judging him and his sticky children and the TV that never turned off. The old futon-couch, scarred teak coffee table with rings. Canvases on the walls, encrustations like brain coral and colon cancer. We ate cheese and bread, the large jar of strawberry jam. I gave him the address of the comic book store, said I’d be in touch. It was the first time I’d ever wanted to move on, be the first person out of the room.
Afterward we went to a student bar near the university and I got thoroughly, sloppily drunk, and threw up in the alley. Paul got me on the last train back to Berlin.
Now I took Paul’s hand in the bed, his right in my left, laced my fingers through his, my hands large and pale as winter, my identity stitched in the whorls of their fingertips, Paul’s hands dark from graphite and fragrant with Drum and kebabs. Our palms were the same size but his fingers were two inches longer. His beautiful hands. I always thought if we ever had children, I hoped they’d have them.
“So what happened with the printer?” I asked.
“He wants cash,” Paul said. “Imagine.”
I turned our hands, so we could examine them from each side. His fingers practically touched my wrists. I traced along the sinews of his hand, thinking how in less than a day I could be back in the States. I could be like my mother, like Klaus. It was my legacy, wasn’t it, to shed lives like snakeskin, a new truth for each new page, a moral amnesiac?
But a disgrace. I’d rather starve. I knew how to do it, it wasn’t that hard.
I looked around our flat, the rain-ruined walls, the few bits of furniture, battered pressboard chest we found in an alley, the dusty velvet curtain concealing our tiny kitchen. Paul’s drawing table, his papers and pens. And the suitcases, ranged against the wall, filling the rest of the floor. Our life. The phoenix must burn, my mother had said. I tried to imagine the flames, but it was too cold.
“Maybe I’ll sell the museum,” I said.
Paul traced the lacy dogbite scars on my hand. “I thought you told Oskar you wouldn’t.”
I shrugged. I would never reach the end of what was in those suitcases, those women, those men, what they meant to me. These rooms were only the start. There were suitcases inside of suitcases I had not even begun to unpack. You want remember, so just remember.
I slipped my hands up under the wool shirt I’d bought him at the flea market. He flinc
hed with the cold, then allowed me to warm them against his skinny ribs. As we drew close, murmuring softly into each other’s necks, the Herald Tribune slid off the feather bed and fell to the floor in a soft cascade, burying my mother among her headlines, news of other crises and personages. We shed our jackets and our pants to make love, but kept our shirts and socks on. I knew I was making a choice. This, now, suitcases, Paul. It was my life, a trait and not an error, written by fire on stone.
AFTERWARD, I lay gazing at the patterns cast on the stained walls, the effect of the light from the street shining through our windows, the etched designs like bird feet. Next to me, Paul slept with a pillow crammed tightly over his head, product of his years in foster care, not to hear more than he had to. I slipped out from under the covers, pulled on my icy stiff jeans and a sweater, put on the fire under the kettle for a Nescafé. What I would give for a cup of Olivia’s thick black coffee, so dark it didn’t even turn pale when you put the cream in. I rolled myself a cigarette from Paul’s Drum tobacco, and waited for the water to boil.
It was three in California. I would never tell Paul how much I wanted to be there, how much I wanted to drive in a top-down Mustang with my mother along the coast in sun-warmed, sage-scented February, and pick up some sea-washed stranger with a shell strand laced around his beautiful neck. If I told Paul how much I missed L.A., he would think I was crazy. But I missed it, that poisoned place, gulag of abandoned children, archipelago of regret. I craved it even now, the hot wind smelling of creosote and laurel sumac, the rustle of eucalyptus, the nights of mismatched stars. I thought of that ruined dovecote behind the house on St. Andrew’s Place that my mother once wrote a poem about. How it bothered her the doves would not leave, though the chicken wire had long since collapsed, the two-by-fours fallen. But I understood them. It was where they belonged, shade in summer, their sad wooden flute calls. Wherever they were, they would try to get back, it was like the last piece of a puzzle that had been lost.