Clay’s hand was on the small of my back. I loved when they did that, when they touched me right there. It was security. They were letting me lead but telling me they were there, too. So easy, so beautiful.
“Shall we go home?” He kissed my cheek. “Tommy might be hours. Or better yet, how about eating out? Oceania has some of the best food in the world. You with your culinary skills? You’ll love some of these places.”
Actually, that idea sounded fantastic. “Can we please?”
“Yes, absolutely.” Clay grinned. “What are you in the mood for?”
Quinn tugged me to his side. “I know what I’m in the mood for, and it’s nothing to do with eating.”
“That’s the thing. I know how hot she looks in that dress. I want to walk into places with her on my arm. I want her next to me in those places.” Clay smirked. “And you do, too.”
Keith grinned at both of them. “I want to eat and then fuck. Can we do that?”
“Paloma,” my mother’s voice called out, and I shuddered before I stopped moving.
I looked at Quinn. “Aren’t there separate doors? She was on the other side.”
“There are,” Keith answered. “Looks like they sought you out this way. Want me to make them go away?”
He would, too, without hesitation. “Today I faced demons. This is just one more. Be right behind me when I’m done.”
Clay squeezed my back. “We’d never be anywhere else.”
I turned around. There they were. My mother, my sister, and the three husbands I’d never met. I walked toward them. “Hello.”
My mother extended her arms like she wanted me to walk into them. “We heard you were dead.”
“I should be dead.” I wasn’t sure what else she wanted me to say about that.
Her mouth quivered. “You look so beautiful. Truly. I never imagined you looking like this. How are you here? With them? Their wife? How is any of this happening? I missed you.”
She actually looked like she gave a damn. I gave my attention to Amber instead. There was too much with my mother. I needed a minute before I could speak to her any longer. Sometimes I had to take a moment.
“Amber, you look amazing. Marriage clearly suits you. Diana wrote to tell me about it. I assume these are your husbands.”
She sucked in a breath. “Yes, that’s right. Paloma, you are so beautiful. I wanted to write you, but they told me not to. I’m sorry; I’m so sorry. I…”
“Amber,” one of her husbands interrupted. He didn’t put his hand on her back. “We’re in public. Would you like to introduce us? That seems the most important thing to do right now.”
I hated him right away. Amber stuttered. “Th-this is my s-sister.” She only stuttered when she was really nervous. “And these are my husbands, Amari”—she indicated the one who had spoken—“Hunter, and Shane.”
“Hello.” I nodded. “Three of my four husbands. That’s Quinn, Keith, and Clay.” I nodded to each of them, and they shook their hellos.
I’d had enough of this. No more fakeness in the hallway. By the universe, I was the notorious sister, married to Sandlers. All I would do was improve my reputation.
I breathed in and rounded on my mother. “It really is lovely to see you, considering how it was the last time we were together. If I recall, I was on my knees begging you, grabbing onto your legs. Pleading. But you did nothing. I’d humiliated you. Then you let my father take me away from you—your daughter—without a look. You fled into the night. Never got in touch. Not once. I used to dream you would come.”
I wasn’t done. But I needed a breath. She paled in front of me. I didn’t even feel bad.
“They beat me. Starved me. Abused me. I’m your daughter.” I didn’t know why I kept repeating that. A reminder? “You’re a terrible mother, and you have no spine. You thought I was dead. Continue to do so.”
I nodded at Amber. “Congratulations on your beautiful life. I hope you are truly happy. Maybe someday we can be in touch.”
I didn’t have to look for it. Clay’s hand found mine, and then Keith took the other one. Quinn cleared the crowd. I wasn’t worked up anymore. I was strangely calm. I wanted dinner and then… how had Keith put it? I wanted food and then to fuck. Seemed like a great plan.
17
Relationships
I’d never tasted a piece of meat as delicious as the one I couldn’t seem to stop eating. I had to admit, I was doing an impressive job of cleaning my plate. It was like I’d never seen food before. My husbands, minus Tommy, had all finished eating.
“This is so good.”
Clay rubbed his chin. “I knew you’d like it. Do you want more?”
I shook my head. “I know I’m eating way too much.”
“Enjoy it.” Quinn sipped his drink. They’d all had alcohol, but I’d stuck to water. I didn’t know what my aversion to the stuff was, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to ever have any. Maybe someday.
Keith shifted slightly in his chair. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Sure.” I was glad he wanted to. “I think they’ve definitely cooked this in butter. That synthetic, not-butter-but-tastes-like-butter stuff, it would never make the steak this juicy.”
Keith smirked at me. “Not the food, babe. Although I’m glad you like it. I loved this place the last time I was here. No, your mother, your sister, her silent husbands, your father—whom Tommy is in a meeting with now.”
I set down my fork, fullness finally making me stop eating, even though I loved the tastes. “No. I really don’t want to talk about them. I mean, I guess we could talk about Amber. She’s gorgeous but she seemed… off. Nervous, which I suppose could be because of me, her nefarious sister. Perhaps she didn’t want me to embarrass her in front of her husbands. I don’t know.” I hated to even think of what had happened earlier. I wished I could make it all poof out of my head. “My mother? I said what I needed to.”
“You did.” Clay nodded. “So now what?”
“Now what?” I didn’t follow him exactly. “We go home. Have sex. Maybe more than once. One of you will have to peel me out of this dress.”
Clay leaned forward a bit on the table. “Now what are you going to do with your mother?”
“Not a thing. Why should I do anything?” I sat back in my chair. “I think all that was said was all that needed to be said.” I hoped I was making myself clear.
“They did terrible things to you. I can’t even begin to imagine how awful it was in the Sisterhood day in and day out. But she’s your mother. I’m going to attempt to forgive mine when I see her. I thought maybe, now that you’ve said your piece, you might want to forgive yours.”
Forgive her? The idea made my head pound. “Clay, I’m really glad that you’re feeling so woo-woo forgive-y at the moment. Maybe we’ll all hold hands and sing. I’m not there. I might never be there. I don’t need you moving me in some direction because you think it’s the right one. The next time someone holds you down and hits you with a switch over and over because you tripped in the hall—in a place your own family sent you to—you can tell me how fast you feel like forgiving. If you want to forgive, forgive. I don’t see you forgiving your father so quickly.”
I jumped to my feet. “Is it different because she’s my mother? Is that what’s supposed to make me kinder about what happened?”
Clay held up his hands. “Paloma, I…”
I shook my head. “Can we go?”
Keith rose. “Yep. Let’s go.”
I stomped ahead of them. I was overreacting, and I knew it. Why had Clay done that? I’d spoken to my mother only hours earlier. I was expected to be so incredibly self-sacrificing that I should simply get over it? Immediately?
Halfway down the block toward the train, I whirled around. “Clay, is there something going on? Or did you just decide to ruin dinner for fun?”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I asked a question. I guess you didn’t like it. Fine. Do we have to have a whole thing about it? It’s b
een a long day.”
“No kidding; it’s been a long day.”
I stormed toward the train. Keith caught me, not stopping me but joining our hands so he could walk with me. I didn’t want to talk, and being Keith, he seemed to understand. He never pushed.
Quinn came up on the other side of me and took my other hand. “Clay is going to take a walk. We’ll see him later.”
I turned around just enough to see Clay taking off in the other direction. “Well, I screwed that up.”
“He had really bad timing.” Keith shrugged. “Living with us is never an easy road. Why should you be any different? Takes a strong woman who occasionally blows up at the dinner table to make this marriage work.”
I covered my mouth, a burst of laughter coming out of me in a wave I hadn’t expected. It followed immediately with tears. Streams of them, uncontrollable sobs. Keith pulled me to him, and Quinn took the other side. I was in a twin sandwich, and I couldn’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be just then, not anywhere in the universe.
“Why did she let him send me away?”
Quinn kissed my cheek. “Because she’s a weak, worthless woman.”
I didn’t know if that was entirely true. Sometimes in life I needed to hear that the people who loved me could also be unreasonably angry, on my behalf, just because they loved me—and for no other reason at all.
I pulled back just enough to take out my tablet. Clay hadn’t been right, but I’d launched on him like an attack droid went for its target. He didn’t deserve that.
I’m sorry. I spoke into the tablet, and it sent the message.
By the time I got home, I was so exhausted neither Quinn nor Keith made any moves to suggest they wanted to have sex. I didn’t blame them. With the way I had just freaked out? I wouldn’t want to try out my mood either.
A thought dawned on me. I knew what this was. I was getting my period. It was time. The last time had been on the ship before the bounty hunter. By the universe, I was overdue. Why hadn’t I noticed? So… why wasn’t I bleeding? I didn’t usually get so hot and bothered without the immediate onset of grossness.
I tried to lie still on the bed, feeling the coolness of my pillow and the way the sheets were cozy. But nothing helped.
I couldn’t be… pregnant. I stared down at the brown chip inserted just above my wrist on my left arm. All of us got those when we turned fourteen. Even though there was absolutely no expectation that we’d be having sex out of wedlock—since our virginity was such a precious commodity—the smart parents saw to it that there girls had fertility chips implanted. We couldn’t get pregnant unless we turned them off.
Of course there were other places, other planets that didn’t believe in them, and that was fine. My parents did. End of story.
I stared at it. I hadn’t paid attention to it since I’d talked with Tommy about it. It was like a mole. Why notice it at all? It was always there. I stared down at it now. Had the small light on it always been red?
I grabbed my tablet and searched. Green was all clear, fertility working, no pregnancy possible. Yellow was needed repair, and red was broken. Broken! How could that be? The doctors were supposed to check it at physicals. Of course, when was the last time I’d had one? I’d been in and out of the machine. I hadn’t had an actual doctor examine me in who knew how long. Ari didn’t count. We talked about my mental health.
It was red, and I wasn’t bleeding. Overdue. A wave of nausea hit me hard, and I didn’t think it was from pregnancy. I jumped off the bed and swung open the door, nearly colliding with Clay.
He grabbed my shoulders, stopping me from nearly falling over. “Woah, Paloma. Slow down. Where are you going?”
I tried to swallow. “You’re back. I’m so glad. I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. You were right. Lots going on with my client. I saw him. He’s so much worse off than I imagined. I need to help him. I thought, I foolishly hoped, that we could make things smooth for you. That’s all I wanted. Fix it so your mother and mine, they couldn’t cause any more issues. We were fine, they were fine, and maybe we were done. Anyway, I should have said that and not what I did. I’m sorry.” He ran a hand through his hair. “You didn’t answer me. Where were you going?”
“The doctor.”
Clay’s smile disappeared. “What’s wrong?”
I held up my wrist. “I don’t know how long it’s been red, and I haven’t gotten my period. I launched at you like a crazed harpy at dinner. I need a doctor.”
He stared at my wrist, and I could see the second his gaze zoomed in on the small red light. “Is it bad that it’s red?”
Men never had to go through this; only women had fertility chips. “It means it’s not working.”
His eyes widened. “Yep, we need a doctor.” He took me in his arms for a quick squeeze before he led me toward the front door. “Oh crap. You don’t have shoes.” Clay ran back to my bedroom, found them, and came back. I put them on, and then we were on our way again.
We were on the train before I spoke again. I didn’t even mind the speed or being thrown around. Presumably Clay knew where we were going since I’d let him lead us without asking him a thing. “What am I going to do if I’m pregnant?”
“We. What are we going to do if you’re pregnant? Not you. Us. And it’ll be fine. It might seriously change things a bit. Move timelines around. I don’t know. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, so to speak. We don’t know yet that you are pregnant. Let’s wait to know definitively and go from there. Aw, Paloma, you’ll be such a good mom.”
I touched his cheek. “How can you say that? I had a terrible mother. An awful example. Why on Earth would you think that makes me equipped to be any kind of parent?”
“Because you have a huge heart. Because even when you’re mad, you’re not ever rough. Because I love you, and I can see you holding our baby. Either soon or someday. And it’s beautiful.”
We came to our stop.
“Not pregnant.” I let out the breath I’d been holding until the doctor told us. I wasn’t pregnant. Relief flooded me. I wanted children. Not, however, right then, and not under the circumstances in which we were living.
The doctor, who was an older man with graying hair and a kind smile, fiddled with my fertility chip before he shooed Clay out of the room. I then got to have a full physical. The good news was that despite everything that had happened to me over the last years, I was in good shape. He liked the medicine Ari had put me on for anxiety, and with a now working fertility chip, he sent me on my way. My period, he told me, would be with me any second if the hormone readouts were any indication. I was enormously glad.
Clay and I walked from the doctor arm-in-arm a lot more leisurely than we’d been before. It was the middle of the night. I only knew because the artificial light had been dimmed. In that way, Oceania was a lot like the space station. I’d not noticed before, but every once in a while a slight boom would sound that was low and unobtrusive.
“Is that the ocean hitting the sides of the enclosure?” I hated to think about the whole thing breaking and coming down on our heads.
Clay nodded. “Oceania has altered the tides of the ocean here. Well, a lot of things have altered them. I imagine the nuclear bombs did a pretty good job of that years ago. But the city is so huge it has changed sea currents and tides. It seems to have its own pull. Sometimes a wave gets through a small space. It booms. Totally normal. There are so many systems to keep us safe. A nuclear bomb could actually go off in here and not shatter the outside structure.”
“Great?”
He laughed at my unhappy response and kissed my head. “I’d say let’s never fight again, but we both know we’re not built that way.”
“Clay, I may someday forgive my mother, but it isn’t going to be today and it isn’t going to be to make thing easier. Okay?”
He squeezed my shoulder. “Absolutely.”
We came through the door to find the twins both standing in front of it. “
Neither one of you brought your tablet? I was going to call security.”
I wasn’t used to Keith being the one to get worried about things like that. Quinn’s eyes were huge. “Where were you?”
I stepped away from Clay. “I’m not pregnant.”
Quinn opened and closed his mouth, but it was Keith who answered. “Were you worried you were?”
I held up my wrist. “Yes, but now I’m better. I’m about to get my period. How about we have a little fun before I do?”
I pulled my pajamas—which I’d only realized I’d run out in when I’d seen the funny looks I was getting on the street—off my body and let them drop to the floor. “Anyone interested?”
Clay’s nostrils flared. “One at a time, guys. We each make her come once.”
Keith grabbed me first. “My turn first. I missed all the fun last time.”
He dropped to his knees, pushing his face into my stomach. “No baby in there? Huh? Did you want one to be?”
“No.” Both Clay and I answered at the same time. “Not yet,” I finished.
Keith nodded, his whiskers scraping against my bare skin. “I don’t know how we’d raise a baby right now. Anything for you. You know that right?” He licked my skin, tracing a path with his tongue. I closed my eyes, putting my hands in his hair, well what was left of it, as heat built strongly within me.
“Why do you always taste so good?” I opened my lids to the sound of his voice. “Why do you taste like strawberries?”
I really had no idea. My soap, maybe? I met Clay’s gaze. He leaned against the wall watching us while Quinn grinned. This was that voyeurism thing again. I had to admit, I liked being watched. I smiled back at them. This worked just fine for me.
Suddenly Quinn moved. He was behind me. I grinned. “I thought I was in a twin sandwich earlier.”