"Don't we just!"
We looked askance at each other, over the goblet tops, between shuttered lids. We were strangers who thought that we ought to feel like friends. I was still wondering whether Wraxilan had moulted away from the core of Ariaric or had merely been hidden deep inside. The Cal that he'd once known had shed a hundred skins. Could he see that? I said, "I thought I was fighting a battle, but I wasn't, was I. All along, I've been doing the right thing. I was trying so hard not to as well. How depressing."
Ariaric may not have had the faintest idea what I was talking about, but he was too proud to admit it. He smiled only with his mouth and said, "Learning?"
"Is that what they call it? I've certainly suffered; maybe I've learned. Remember the past and how they used to say that no-one should be dragged onto the Path against their will? I feel I've been tricked, not dragged, but the principle is the same."
"Oh, come on, don't think you ever fooled me with that superficial, devil-may-care, live for today kick!" Ariaric scoffed. It was so honest; he meant it. "You've always been there, Cal, if only on the scrubby bits along the side. And the Path is hard."
"You don't have to tell me that. Don't insult me. I just didn't want it. I still don't, but I've had no choice."
"Bullshit!"
"It isn't!"
"It is. You could have run away any time, surely."
"They said I couldn't."
"They? Who are they?"
I narrowed my eyes. "How much do you know about me?"
"Not much, but you obviously think it's important, so tell me."
"You're a bitch, Wraxilan."
He raised his eyebrows. So I told him. I began by saying, "You're not the only Wraeththu herd leader who's wanted me firm against their sweaty little flank, you know." It was the best way to tell it. Now it seemed like only gossip, all those secret thoughts I'd carried around with me for so long. Until I reached Jaddayoth. Shining country; I love you. I must also point out that at no time had I ever envisaged telling any of it to the Archon of Oomadrah. Now the blocks have been removed from my mind, it seems I have to gabble it out at every opportunity.
When I'd told him just about everything, Ariaric said, "You've never really fought it have you! The Elhmen, the Sahale, the visions, the Jaels. You must have loved it. Every minute. You still do. Why kid yourself? Being the center of attention has always appealed to you." Knife straight to the heart, as always. He hadn't really changed.
"Are you saying I'm enjoying this?"
He raised his glass at me. "Know thyself magician," he said. "You haven't spent much time in meditation have you. Why?"
"I have! Every evening once I returned to Jael! You don't know that you're talking about!"
"Oh, I think I do, Cal. Mainly because you haven't seen the blindingly obvious truth. I think you've only been skimming the surface; you're afraid of what you'll see in that beautiful head of yours, that's why. Funny. I never thought self-delusion was one of your faults. Other people, yes, but not yourself."
I was speechless with anger. Such arrogance! Such conceit! How dare he! I'd poured out my heart to him and he treated it as a self-indulgent joke. What made it worse was the infuriating grin he had on his face.
"Use these rooms as your own for a while," he said. "Just sit and think about what I've said. Do more than think about it; face that truth. Recognize it. You might find it will help. I'll be back later."
Ah, so he was a coward too! Were his observations so flimsy he had to leave the room? Obviously, he was afraid I'd knock holes in them. I seethed with fury. He left me alone for half an hour. I could have gone back to the second floor. I could have left the room. I didn't. I was numb. For five
minutes, I didn't think anything at all and then I breathed. Deeply. Rhythmically. Drawing energy from the earth, sending it through my body; traveling inwards. OK, show me the worst, soul of mine. It did. And it hurt. But one thing I learned, that I'd known all along really; the answers weren't outside. No-one else was going to give them to me. / knew. It was in me somewhere. And Ariaric was right. A bitter draft to swallow, but swallow it I did. When I opened my eyes, I thought, "Pell, I want you. I have always wanted you." Any denials, any fighting I'd thought about were a sham. The truth was, I'd always wanted to go to Immanion, even in Thiede's tower, even on my darkest days in Thaine, but it had to be on my terms. Pride won't let me settle for anything less. I couldn't be the Tigron's lapdog because I knew I was worthy of equality. Pride? Yes, OK. A fault, maybe, but one that I knew. When I'd learned that Pell stil lived, my first feeling, after the shock, had been joy. I'd wanted to see him, speak to him, but something had gone wrong, got in the way. What? Just pride? Or something more? Once I knew that I'd have the answer to everything.
Ariaric came in softly. I was still sitting, cross-legged in front of the fire. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "You still angry?"
I rested my cheek against his hand and said, "No."
He squatted beside me; we embraced. I found myself doing something I vigorously loathe. I was weeping. I said, "Stop me doing this," and Ariaric replied, "No, it is part of you. Live it."
Live it. We talked and drank and talked about all that happened to us, what we wanted for the future. Ariaric's story was an epic in itself and would take too long to relate. He told me he'd met Pell in Immanion.
"What's he like?" I asked. Here was someone who could really tell me.
Ariaric stretched out on the floor, held his glass to his chest and closed his eyes. "Let me think," he said, "I want to get it right. He's got black hair."
"No! Really?"
"Indeed. I liked him, even though he was rather cross with me and called me a, what was it?, 'menace to all free-thinking hara.' He was right of course. I've learned since then. I was too full of revolutionary zeal and images of Uigenna atrocities. Progression was impossible when I was so full of self-loathing. Pell taught me that. He's frightening in a way because you can't see the steel inside him on the surface."
"Really? Strange, I would never have described Pellaz as being steely, ever!"
"You must remember many years have past since you last saw him, Cal. Perhaps you should prepare yourself for the fact that he might be a completely different person now."
"I have thought about that, obviously. I wish I knew more. Prepare me; tell me what
you know."
Ariaric smiled, stroked my hair. "I don't envy you," he said.
"That bad is it?"He shook his head. "Don't get me wrong. What I'm saying is I'm rinding it very hard to equate the Pellaz you've told me about to the one I've met. They seem like entirely different people."
"You sound like Panthera. He said something similar to me about you."
Ariaric laughed. "And have I turned out to be a monster?"
"No, but you used to be. Is that how you'd describe Pell then, a monster?"
"Yes, I suppose I would, in a way. Oh, not because he's fearsome to look at or malign or tyrannical, but because he has such power. You can almost see it, simmering inside him. Of course, I didn't get much opportunity to speak with him alone, but on my last night in Immanion, I was invited to dine with him ... and his consort. Pellaz spent most of the evening talking about Megalithica. Sorry, but your name wasn't mentioned once."
"The consort..." I began.
"You'll probably see," Ariaric said carefully. "The Tigrina is paying us a short visit very soon."
"How soon?"
"The day after tomorrow. Of course, you could leave before then if you prefer ..."
"Are you serious?"
Ariaric shrugged. "You may not like what you see. But you're welcome to stay."
As if I could leave!
It was nearly dawn when I went back to the rooms I shared with Panthera. My companion was nowhere in sight but there was a note which read, "Cal, you're so predictable" left on the pillow. I was piqued; it was unjustified after all. Aruna-type thoughts hadn't even crossed my mind when I'd been with Ariaric. I tried to s
leep, but my mind was in turmoil. Pell seemed nearer to me. I wanted to see him now, this instant. I wanted to go to Roselane tomorrow, Immanion tomorrow. I also wanted to stay in Ooma-drah so that I could see the Tigrina. I wondered if he knew about me too. If he did, it would be a confrontation that I'd relish. My claws were out. What was happening?
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
The Arrival of the Tigrina
"Then hate me when thou wilt; if ever, now;
Now, while the world is bent my deeds to cross,
Join with the spite of fortune, make me bow ..."
—William Shakespeare, Sonnet X
Our bags remained packed. Panthera reappeared late the next morning; I did not ask him where he'd been. The news that I wished to remain in Sykernesse for a further couple of days did nothing to dispel the atmosphere of furious gloom that Panthera brought in with him. He did not ask me why, obviously having drawn his own inferences, which were
undoubtedly way off the truth. Admittedly giving in to him, I said. "Thea, the Tigrina is arriving in Oomadrah tomorrow. I want to be here." He skewered me with a withering, condemning stare. Silence. "You think I'm wrong then?"
He shrugged. "Do what you like. I'm only along for the ride. As a matter of fact, I don't mind staying on in Sykernesse myself for a while, perhaps even after you leave for Roselane. If you ever do!"
I realized we were having an argument. "Thea, I did not take aruna with Ariaric last night, if that's what's bothering you."
"Not at all," he replied smoothly. "I'm in no position to censure you."
I drew my own conclusions from that, even though they did seem rather unlikely. I wondered who had been the privileged har to spend the previous night in Panthera's arms. It was not a train of thought that particularly thrilled me. Maybe I'd taken him for granted; my personal property because he was too scared or revolted to seek warmth from somebody new. Ah well, it seemed I'd been wrong. It caused a weird kind of tearing feeling inside me, as if the air was too big to fit into my lungs.
"I was telling the truth," I said. "I'm sorry I wandered off like that last night. I had to talk to him. Can't you understand that?"
Panthera did not answer me. He took some clothes into the bathroom to get changed, emerging some minutes later to announce, "I'm meeting Lalasa now. See you later perhaps." Then he was gone, and the door didn't even slam.
Ariaric sent for me around lunch-time. I'd spent the rest of the morning mooching about, realizing I really didn't relish having to travel on to Roselane alone. I'd got used to company. Lonely journeys reminded me too much of how I'd been before Thaine, and then I'd been out of my skullmost of the time. I thought the hours were going to hang heavily over my head during miles and miles of sobriety. But how could I blame Panthera? Wasn't it entirely possible I'd discard him at a moment's notice should the outcome of all my traveling and soul-searching bode well for the alliance of Calanthe and the Tigron of Immanion? I can be despicable, yes, but not that despicable. Perhaps it would be best if Panthera and I did part company now. I dragged this mood along with me to the Lion's apartments, furiously wishing I hadn't when I saw who he'd got sitting around his dinner table with him. The gracious Elisyin, his two sons and Wrark Fortuny. Elevated company, in fact the best Sykernesse could provide.
"Is your friend not joining us?" Elisyin asked politely when I was shown into the room alone.
"No, I'm afraid he'd already made arrangements for the day when I received your invitation."
"What a shame."
"Yes, isn't it."
I took my allotted place and proceeded to grin and grimace my way through the meal. Ariaric passed me one or two shrewd glances, but made no comment. He probably thought I was worked up about the imminence of the Tigrina's visit. Elisyin went through the whole procedure of apologizing for his dismissive treatment of me.
"I had no idea you were a friend of Aric's," he said. "You should have mentioned it."
"I would have, but I'd been advized against it," I replied. "I thought all visitors of suspect origin were swiftly sent on their way."
"They usually are," Ariaric agreed. "Otherwise I'd be swamped with useless Uigenna rejects all hoping for a ride on my back. It's happened before and will no doubt happen again."
"Would you like to change your rooms?" Elisyin asked. "We have better suites available."
"No, it doesn't matter."
I waited until half-way through the meal until I asked the most important question. "Was it the Gelaming who told you I might come here?" There was a moment's silence, and then Fortuny cleared his throat. He had hardly spoken before.
"No, it was Tel-an-Kaa," he said.
I could tell he was waiting for a reaction. The name was familiar, but I could not place where I'd heard it before. "Tel-an-Kaa? Should I know him?"
"Not a 'him'," Fortuny corrected, "a 'her'."
"Of course!" I exclaimed. "The Zigane tribe of humans and hara! She was with them in Galhea, before Swift and I traveled south to the Gelaming. I can't see what she has to do with me though. What's the connection? I know she was some kind of messenger and presumed she worked for a high-ranking harish adept. She wouldn't let on."
"No, she probably wouldn't have then."
"She must be very old now, surely."
Fortuny shook his head and swilled his mouth with wine. "Not in the sense you mean," he said. "Tel-an-Kaa is a parage of the Kamagrian."
"A what?"
"The Kamagrian are an order of adepts, a parage of one of their number."
"An order of humans?" I couldn't help scoffing.
Fortuny never changed his expression. "Far from it."
"Then what? And what is their interest in me?"
"Your questions will all be answered in Roselane," Fortuny said mildly, raising his hands at my swift intake of breath. "Yes, I know. You must have been told that a hundred times, but it is true nonetheless. All we knew was that you were having some kind of... bother with Thiede and the Gelaming. We often have dealings with the Kamagrian, usually via Tel-an-Kaa. I think we were told about you so your journey wouldn't be inadvertently delayed by misunderstandings."
"What are the Kamagrian?" I asked again. The Niz and Ariaric exchanged an agonized glance.
"Maybe, after Roselane, you will be able to tell us," Fortuny said.
"Oh, another secretive lot are they! You know what I really object to?" I waved a fork across the table at him. "The fact that so many people seem to know much more about me that I do. Why should anyone tell you my business? It was only a spur of the moment decision that I came here at all! It seems like I'm being watched. Is that the case?"
Ariaric burst out laughing and everybody looked at him. "Was it really a spur of the moment decision, Cal? Was it really? Do you mean to say that someone who knew quite a lot about you couldn't have simply guessed you'd call in here on the way east?" His amusement made me uncomfortable, especially in front of Elisyin who had raised one eyebrow specula-tively.
"Well, maybe not," I grumbled hotly, "but that doesn't alter the fact that my path through this country seems to have been completely predetermined as if I've had no choice in it at all. Why? It's been like a wild goose chase, a waste of time. Couldn't all my progression have been seen to in Roselane if it's so necessary? I've been played with, cat's-pawed around. Is it unreasonable that I object to it? Even if it has been intimated that it's all for 'my own good.' That's no comfort! You might think I've enjoyed it all Aric, but there have been moments of hell, sheer hell!" They let me rant on in this vein for several minutes until I exhausted my vocabulary of complaint. It didn't escape me that Ariaric must have spread my life story around his whole family either. Both of his sons were looking very embarrassed, but they knew what I was talking about alright.
"You feel you have to blame someone obviously," Fortuny said, to break a rather painful silence.
"You know, I actually envy you," Ariaric said, leaning back in his chair. "Look at me, trying to carve my name upon the stone of
Wraeththu history, whilst yours is there already it seems. Burned upon it indelibly, and without you even trying!"
"And what does it say after my name do you think? Calanthe: was once a nuisance, but everybody got to hear about it?" They all laughed at that.
"Perhaps, but I think it will say, Calanthe: conscience of kings." Ariaric decided,
pleased with himself.
"Oh, does that explain why I don't have a conscience myself then?"
"Haven't you?" Elisyin asked innocently. It didn't fool me.
"Let him answer that in a year's time," Ariaric replied for me. He raised his glass. "A toast: to Roselane," he said. "Our hearts will go with you, Cal. Whatever your destiny is, it concerns us all. Isn't that right, Fortuny?"