The vision that has reached me in my sleep of recent months is worthy of the likes of Hellatose: I travel across a great chasm of Time that passes as quickly as clouds in a storm and as that time trickles past I see the squid taking more and more to the land, their bewitching eyes hidden by the globes of water, their skin a translucent silver, while, fed on spores and the meat of an animal more intelligent than they know, Ambergris’ true inhabitants grow watery and ill, their flesh moist, sallow, and ever more boneless, until eventually the squid take their place and the current Ambergrisians recede into the waters as if they had never been anything but a fiction, remnants, revenants, in this great city, globules of infected fat and skin—too dazed and decadent to fight back when the gray caps flood the city and we, long-prepped for invasion, scuttle into Ambergris, our arms and tentacles wrapped around buildings and vehicles, the very stones marked by the claw and the sucker, while the humans, pale underclass, pale underbelly, are but servants for our will.
The advance guard and scouting parties have already begun—what are the water-globed squid if not this? I would not be at all surprised if the King Squid were already among us, their spies having perfected the art of camouflage so as to replicate setting and human alike.
There are those idiots here who would escape their fate more literally, and with haste, their means as simple as they are and yet myriad—sneaking into the pill cabinet, sharpening a spoon for their wrists, tearing their clothes up for a noose. You see it here all the time. None of them in death will better understand the mysteries of their lives and I do not envy them this state, even when my own transformation seems so far away.
NOTES
45 Perhaps too tentative a pentameter.
46 What else is there to do here? The other patrons of this fine establishment share neither my interests nor my temperaments. Were I to awaken a vague interest in squidology amongst the general populace, I might take solace in lectures or even idle conversations during the blank hours, but, alas, this is not to be . . .
47 I believe my morelean father was, at the time of his demise, working on just such a theory. Perhaps this explains his own morbid interest in the abandoned squidmills. Unfortunately, he did not have the background in squidology necessary to develop his theory.
48 During the rule of the Cappans, the gray caps had not yet perfected this system and the city had not become as dependent on squid flesh. Why, it may be that the gray caps have worked to make squid meat more succulent to us and therefore more addictive.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
(INTERMITTENTLY ANNOTATED)
This bibliography allows the reader to follow up on the subject matter set out in my monograph. Many of these books I conjure whole from memory, the originals having haunted the shelves of my long-abandoned childhood library. (Thus this bibliography serves as a kind of memorial to the one saving grace of my youth.) As for the question of publication dates, even those books found in the pathetic library I currently have access to are likely to be hopelessly antiquated editions. Most of these tomes are either so common or so rare as to make the question of time moot, even if I could set out the dates with anything approaching consistency. Where necessary, I have placed my own comments about a particular book in parentheses following the bibliographical information, in the hopes that my added insight will be of some small value.
Absence, Thrasher T., Squid Camouflage: What Are They Trying to Hide?, Squid Mill Library Press.
Aldrich, Clyde, Squid?, Distant Bells Press.
Allans, John, The Hoegbotton Guide to Nymphomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.
Alsop, Seymour, Ammonia Among Old Beaks: Essays and Idylls of a Squid Lover, Dyfold Press.
(Precise in its data yet utterly false in its conclusions.)
Anon, The Hoegbotton Book of Absurd Synonyms, Hoegbotton & Sons.
Anon, The Hoegbotton Book of Obscure Insults, Hoegbotton & Sons.
Anon, The Hoegbotton Guide to Psychological Terminology, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.
Babbit, Cynthia, A Child’s Coloring Book of Squid, Featuring Three Imaginary Ones, Libyrinth Press.
Bamardot, Allison, The Squidularch and His Watery World, Nicea Publishers.
(An interesting argument for a crude form of squid government.)
Batton, Sarah, ed., Squid Sightings Magazine, Vols. 1—23, Renegade Mollusk Press.
Bender, Voss, “A Refutation of the Claim that Certain of My Operas Have Been Aided by Squid-Written Arias,” Ambergris Drama Digest, Vol. 234, No. 12, Front Row Publications.
(Would that they had been.)
Bender, Voss, Bender for Riverside Reading, Frankwrithe & Lewden.
Bender, Voss, Libretto with Squid, Frankwrithe & Lewden.
Bentinck, Bargin, The Library of Robert Quill: An Instance of Squidophilia, Borges Bookstore Publishing.
(Bentinck’s library far exceeded that of my parents, especially in the area of squid-related books. It is one of the great tragedies of my life that I have been unable to visit it. If I ever do, it will blissfully eclipse memories of my own red-spined volumes.)
Blade, Jeremy, The Hoegbotton Guide to Oikomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.
Blei, Frank, “Invasive Foreign Squid: The Visitors That Never Leave,” The Morrow Wildlife Quarterly, Vol. 400, No. 4, Mandible & Crossclaw.
Bordman, Ann K., Squidopolis, Buzz Press.
(A novel, this book is, in fictional form, the twin to my nonfiction and, lacking my purpling prose, my better half.)
Brecht, Richard, Jr.,Jackaclock Squidulous: The Life of a Squid Boxer, Savor Press.
Breitenbach, Joseph A., ed., The Hoegbotton Guide to Common Cephalopod Mannerisms (chapbook), Hoegbotton & Sons.
Breitenbach, Joseph A., “Caudal Fin Exercises You Can Do at Home,” published in The Amateur Squidologist, Vol. 19, Issue 7, Ambergris Squidology Society.
(Quite useful—these exercises do indeed strengthen the arms.)
Breitenbach, Joseph A., ed., Hoegbotton & Sons Parts Catalog for Squid-Grade Freshwater Filters, Hoegbotton & Sons.
Breitenbach, Joseph A., Mating Rituals of the Freshwater Squid (Illustrated Edition), Hoegbotton & Sons.
(As debauched a book as one is likely to own. Salacious and steamy—complete with hard-to-follow diagrams.)
Breitenbach, Joseph A., The Book of Squid Sense, Alfar Publishing Consortium.
Breitenbach, Joseph A., The Hoegbotton Pricing Guide to Collectible Ceramic Squid (chapbook), Hoegbotton & Sons.
Brek, George, The Squid and the Shade-Head: Philosophical Loci of the New Art, Tarzia Publishers.
(I much prefer the views on the New Art set out in Rogers’ Torture Squid books.)
Brisk, Susan, A Compendium of Squid Sounds and Squid-Related Sounds, Southern Cities Press.
(What, you might ask, is a “squid-related” sound? The unexpected gush of a water funnel. The wet slap of a tentacle against a railing. Suckers clamping down on skin.)
Brisk, Susan, The Illustrated Book of Squid, Hoegbotton & Sons.
Brod, Maxwell, Classic Fallacies in the Work of Jonathan Madnok, Debunked Press.
(I include this misshapen and monstrous text only to provide a balanced bibliography. Not a word of this book, except for some conjunctions and prepositions, contains any truth.)
Burden, Rosetta, The Cephalopod’s Colophon, House & Garden.
Burke, K. Craddock, The Short Lives of Squid Cults: Annals of a Long Legacy, Hoegbotton & Sons.
(Squid cults have afflicted us since before the rise of the Dogghe Tribes. This fascinating book traces their development and frequent demise. The most interesting chapter explains the intricacies of the Squid Head Cult that arose during the civil unrest caused by the Reds and the Greens.)
Burlveener, William Barnett, Encyclopedia Cephalopodia, Frankwrithe & Lewden.
Burlveener, William Barnett, The Compleat Squider, Outdoor Adventure Publishing.
Burlveener, William Barnett, The Inkmaker’s Reference Guide, Borges Bookstore Publishing.
(Most relevant for the whimsical aside on Hellatose the performing squid.)
Butterhead, R.G., The Double Cephalopod Folio: The Story of Daffed’s “Squids of Ambergris” Hoegbotton & Sons.
Butterhead, R.G., The Squidqueller’s Handbook, Fisherman’s Hook Publications.
Cane, Albert, Squidanthropy: Causes and Appropriate Reactions, Modern Psychiatrics Press.
(One of the few doctors to grasp the true nature of this tragically misunderstood phenomenon.)
Chisler, John, The Hoegbotton Guide to Anthomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press. Chisler, John, The Hoegbotton Guide to Paramania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.
Clark, Machen, The Squid on Our Backs, the Tentacles in Our Brains: An Account of a Descent into Madness, Grievance Press.
Cram, Louis, A List and Description of Ambergris Squid Clubs, Blackmarket Publications.
(Squid clubs, for the uninitiated, constitute one of Ambergris’ dirty little secrets. Squid clubs vary in degeneracy, from those that feature betting on squid fights to those that boil live squid right in front of you. And in some of the city’s most dangerous establishments, you can partake of debaucheries best left to the shadows of wordlessness.)
Cram, Louis, Squidphilobiblon, Squid-Lover’s Press.
Cram, Louis, The Cephalopod Codex, Squid-Lover’s Press.
Cross, Templeton, “An Analysis of the Mating Call of the Crimson Bull Squid,” Bulletin of the History of Mollusk Studies, Vol. 676, No. 6, Libyrinth Press.
Cross, Templeton, “Maestros of the Deep: A Proposal Towards Revising Our Notions on the Intelligence of the Crimson Bull Squid,” Bulletin of the History of Mollusk Studies, Vol. 678, No. 4, Libyrinth Press.
Cross, Templeton, “A Note on Rook’s Misappropriation of Crimson Bull Squid Mating Calls in his Proposed ‘Opera,’” Bulletin of the History of Mollusk Studies, Vol. 679, No. 12, Libyrinth Press.
Ditchfield, Marc, Squid Fatal to Their Owners, Frankwrithe & Lewden.
(It astonished me to read just how many squid have been fatal to their owners throughout Ambergris’ history.)
Dormand, Samuel T., The Hoegbotton Guide to Bruxomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.
Dormand, Samuel T., The Hoegbotton Guide to Pathomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.
Drabble, Smocke, A Compleat Dictionary of Squid Types with Small But Comprehensible Drawings of Tentacles and Beaks, Diverse Kinds Press.
(The dictionary is compleat, all right. Alas, the drawings are not comprehensible, consisting as they do of a series of spasmodic scribbles.)
Dribble, Larken, Squid Inks: A Catalog of Cephalopod Political and Personal Satire Preserved by the Ambergris Department of Broadsheet Licensing, Ambergris Department of Broadsheet Licensing Publications.
Dundas, Elayne, “And I Heard of a Mollusk in Your Ear”: Folk-Humor Among the Squid Fishermen of the Moth River Delta, Tarzia Publishing.
(So this is what the squiders said to each other as they tended the squid mills! It was a revelation to discover this book one sticky sweet summer day stuck—bliss and torment—in the library. It gave voice to those far-off men otherwise only visible to me through my spyglass.)
Enamel, George, The Hoegbotton Guide to Cheromania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.
Enamel, George, The Hoegbotton Guide to Phaneromania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.
Evens, Langerland, “Squid Mating Activity on the Southern Coastal Plain During the Late Pre-Trillian Period,” Vol. 29, No. 11, Squidologist Digest, Morrow Squidologist Association.
Everlane, Brian, Gentleman Squid, Frankwrithe & Lewden.
(A risky and risque novel that charts the downward course of a promising young architect as he tries unsuccessfully to deal with his squid obsession. The evocation of the infamous Oleander Squid Club—closed down twenty years ago—has true poignancy.)
Everlane, Brian, Squidy Jenkins: The Great Prize Fighters of Yesteryear, Volume 9, Southern Cities Press.
(Gerald Jenkins received his “Squidy” nickname for the rapidity of his punches, which at times made his arms appear multiplied to a more cephalopodic number.)
Fain, Corbett, “An Analysis of Squid Feces Obtained at Various and Divers Locations Around the City,” published in The Amateur Squidologist, Vol 10, Issue 5, Ambergris Squidology Society.
(The less said, the better.)
Fain, Corbett, Nicean Cuttlefish Rarities Discovered in a Second Portfolio of Louis Verden’s Squid Plates, Southern Cities Press.
Fangmountain, Eliza, Squid in Myth, Magic, and Medicine, Frankwrithe & Lewden.
(The myth, the magic, if not the medicine, are all, as far as I’m concerned, to do with the author’s dangerously precipitous surname.)
Farmore, Arthur, “Rising Bubbles: The Case for Squid Indiscretions,” published in The Amateur Squidologist, Vol. 19, Issue 7, Ambergris Squidology Society.
(Farmore would have enjoyed talking to Fain, no doubt—both covered their subject from the same end.)
Feaster, Elaine, “B&H: The Circumstantial Evidence,” The Amateur Squidologist, Vol. 44, Issue 4, Ambergris Squidology Society.
Feeney, Dora, The Hoegbotton Guide to Poriomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.
Fisher, Marian T., “Wrede’s Aporia: A Refutation of Gendered Hydrotherapy,” Current Cephalopodic Remedies, Vol. 21, No. 7, Libyrinth Press.
Fisher, Marian T., “Spilled Ink: A Deconstructionist Critique of Wredian Methodology,” Current Cephalopodic Remedies, Vol. 21, No. 11, Libyrinth Press.
Flack, Harry, Squid Stalking at Home and Abroad, Action-Danger Press.
Flack, Harry, The Further Deadly But True Adventures of the Squid Hunter, Hoegbotton & Sons.
Flack, Harry, The Latest Horrifying and Yet Oddly Magnificent Adventures of the Courageous Squid Hunter, Frankwrithe & Lewden.
(Probably the best of this tough-man series. Ironic, really, that I read him as a child and fill him out as an adult.)
Flack, Harry, The Return of the Squid Hunter and His Horribly Dangerous Profession, Hoegbotton & Sons.
Flack, Harry, The Squid Hunter’s Ferocious Adventures in the Wilds, Hoegbotton & Sons.
Flack, Harry, Voss Bender Memorial Mental Institute Clinic Check-In Form.
Flack, Harry, Voss Bender Memorial Mental Institute Handbook of Regulations.
Flack, Harry, Voss Bender Memorial Mental Institute Patient Evaluation Form.
Flack, Harry, Voss Bender Memorial Mental Institute Patient Sign-in Sheet.
Flaunt, Contense T., How to Order Your Bibliography for Maximum Reader Impact, The Writing Life Consortium.
Flex, Drednaught, Squid Squinting: The Elmor Brax Story, Mathew Press.
Floxence, Edna, The Mysteries of the Freshwater Squid Revealed, Credence, Ltd.
(Acarpous!)
Floxence, Edna, The Strange World of the Freshwater Squid, Credence, Ltd.
(Feeble-brained theorists should not tackle squidology!)
Forrest, Hayden A., An Outspoken Condemnation of Squid Wrestling, Six Doors Press.
Forrest, Hayden A., Beaks to Beakers: The History of Squid Science, Mollusk Medicine Press.
(A harrowing volume in which electric squid experiments and nerve ending research make me cringe in sympathy even now.)
Forrest, Hayden A., Cephalopodectomy in Theory and Practice, Mollusk Medicine Press.
Forrest, Hayden A., Famous Tentaclopheliacs, Snark & Daughters.
(Even Trillian, apparently, was one—and most of his Banker Warriors.)
Forrest, Hayden A., Kraken Dawn: An Investigation of the Post-Celebration Sleep Patterns of Festival Attendees, Wry Investigations, Inc.
Forrest, Hayden A., Squid Wrestling for Fun and Profit, Engelbrecht Club Publishing.
Fragnall, Dibdin, Puddling by the Docks: An Ecstacy of Collecting, Frankwrithe & Lewden.
(Truly a career-affirming experience for any aspiring squidologist. Dibdin understands the squidology subculture better than any living author.)
Fragnall, Dibdin, The Coffee Table Book of Squid Forgeries, Frankwrit
he & Lewden.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, Anatomy of a Betrayal: Why We Left the Water After 20 Years of Squid Studies, Bypass Press.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, Discredited: Why We Have Been the Target of Unfair Ridicule and Persecution by Other Squidologists (chapbook), privately published.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, King Squid Nocturnal Prey Stalking Tactics, Buzzard Publishing.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, Some Interesting Metaphors Conveyed to Us By the King Squid (chapbook), Ambergris Squidology Society.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, Squid Communication in Murky Conditions (chapbook), Leoprand Collective Publishing.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, Sucker Strength in King Squid Juveniles, Nicea Publications for the Betterment of Science.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, That Which Cannot Be Said: The Real Case for Squid Intelligence, Cephalopod Press.
(Although not specifically cited within my monograph, this book most influenced my arguments for squid intelligence.)
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, The Darkness of Squid Ink: Our Personal Journey into Obscurity (chapbook), privately printed.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, The Loss of Dignity in the Face of Persecution: Scientists Forced to Beg for Food (broadsheet), privately published.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, The Sociological Significance of Beak Size in King Squid Communities, Southern Cities Press.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, The Terrifying King Squid Speaks, privately published.
Furness, Raymond and Leepin, Paulina, Vital Similarities Between the King Squid and the Skamoo Icicle Squid of the Extreme North, Absence Publications.
Gambol, Nils, Flashions: The Influence of Squid Tentacles on Ambergrisian Hair Salons, Nail Biter Productions.
(One might consider the recent squid fads in hair styles and other primpings to be a kind of passive squidanthropy—although to one truly afflicted with the disease, it no doubt feels like cruel mockery.)
Gevers, Nicholas, Last and First Squid, Johannes Publishing.