I feel her placid weight against my side. “I have grown very fond of your eldest boy,” I say. “He used to bring me my meals while I was locked up.” We lie for a while in silence. Then my head begins to spin. I re-emerge from sleep in time to hear the tail-end of a rattle from my throat, an old man’s snore.
She sits up. “I will have to go,” she says. “I can’t sleep in such bare rooms, I hear creaking all night.” I watch her dim shape move as she dresses and picks up the child. “Can I light the lamp?” she says. “I’m afraid of falling on the stairs. Go to sleep. I will bring you breakfast in the morning, if you don’t mind millet porridge.”
* *
“I liked her very much,” she says. “We all did. She never complained, she always did what she was asked, though I know her feet gave her pain. She was friendly. There was always something to laugh about when she was around.”
Again I am as dull as wood. She labours with me: her big hands stroke my back, grip my buttocks. The climax comes: like a spark struck far away over the sea and lost at once.
The baby begins to whimper. She eases herself away from me and gets up. Big and naked, she walks back and forth across the patch of moonlight with the baby over her shoulder, patting it, crooning. “He will be asleep in a minute,” she whispers. I am half asleep myself when I feel her cool body settle down again beside me, her lips nuzzle my arm.
* *
“I don’t want to think about the barbarians,” she says. “Life is too short to spend worrying about the future.”
I have nothing to say.
“I don’t make you happy,” she says. “I know you don’t enjoy it with me. You are always somewhere else.”
I wait for her next words.
“She told me the same thing. She said you were somewhere else. She could not understand you. She did not know what you wanted from her.”
“I didn’t know you and she were intimate.”
“I was often here, downstairs. We talked to each other about what was on our minds. Sometimes she would cry and cry and cry. You made her very unhappy. Did you know that?”
She is opening a door through which a wind of utter desolation blows on me.
“You don’t understand,” I say huskily. She shrugs. I go on: “There is a whole side to the story you don’t know, that she could not have told you because she did not know it herself. Which I don’t want to talk about now.”
“It is none of my business.”
We are silent, thinking our own thoughts about the girl who tonight sleeps far away under the stars.
“Perhaps when the barbarians come riding in,” I say, “she will come riding with them.” I imagine her trotting through the open gateway at the head of a troop of horsemen, erect in the saddle, her eyes shining, a forerunner, a guide, pointing out to her comrades the lay of this foreign town where she once lived. “Then everything will be on a new footing.”
We lie in the dark thinking.
“I am terrified,” she says. “I am terrified to think what is going to become of us. I try to hope for the best and live from day to day. But sometimes all of a sudden I find myself imagining what might happen and I am paralyzed with fear. I don’t know what to do any more. I can only think of the children. What is going to become of the children?” She sits up in the bed. “What is going to become of the children?” she demands vehemently.
“They won’t harm the children,” I tell her. “They won’t harm anyone.” I stroke her hair, calm her, hold her tight, till it is time again to feed the baby.
* *
She sleeps better downstairs in the kitchen, she says. She feels more secure when she can wake up and see the glow of coals in the grate. Also she likes to have the child with her in the bed. Also it is better if her mother does not find out where she spends the nights.
I too feel it was a mistake and do not visit her again. Sleeping alone, I miss the scent of thyme and onion on her fingertips. For an evening or two I experience a quiet, fickle sadness, before I begin to forget.
* *
I stand out in the open watching the coming of the storm. The sky has been fading till now it is bone-white with tones of pink rippling in the north. The ochre rooftiles glisten, the air grows luminous, the town shines out shadowless, mysteriously beautiful in these last moments.
I climb the wall. Among the armed dummies stand people staring out towards the horizon where a great cloud of dust and sand already boils up. No one speaks.
The sun turns coppery. The boats have all left the lake, the birds have stopped singing. There is an interval of utter silence. Then the wind strikes.
In the shelter of our homes, with the windows bolted and bolsters pushed against the doors, with fine grey dust already sifting through roof and ceiling to settle on every uncovered surface, film the drinking water, grate on our teeth, we sit thinking of our fellow-creatures out in the open who at times like this have no recourse but to turn their backs to the wind and endure.
* *
In the evenings, in the hour or two I can afford at the fireplace before my ration of wood gives out and I must creep into bed, I occupy myself in my old hobbies, repairing as best I can the cases of stones I found smashed and tossed away in the courthouse gardens, toying again with the decipherment of the archaic writing on the poplar slips.
It seems right that, as a gesture to the people who inhabited the ruins in the desert, we too ought to set down a record of settlement to be left for posterity buried under the walls of our town; and to write such a history no one would seem to be better fitted than our last magistrate. But when I sit down at my writing-table, wrapped against the cold in my great old bearskin, with a single candle (for tallow too is rationed) and a pile of yellowed documents at my elbow, what I find myself beginning to write is not the annals of an imperial outpost or an account of how the people of that outpost spent their last year composing their souls as they waited for the barbarians.
“No one who paid a visit to this oasis,” I write, “failed to be struck by the charm of life here. We lived in the time of the seasons, of the harvests, of the migrations of the waterbirds. We lived with nothing between us and the stars. We would have made any concession, had we only known what, to go on living here. This was paradise on earth.”
For a long while I stare at the plea I have written. It would be disappointing to know that the poplar slips I have spent so much time on contain a message as devious, as equivocal, as reprehensible as this.
“Perhaps by the end of the winter,” I think, “when hunger truly bites us, when we are cold and starving, or when the barbarian is truly at the gate, perhaps then I will abandon the locutions of a civil servant with literary ambitions and begin to tell the truth.”
I think: “I wanted to live outside history. I wanted to live outside the history that Empire imposes on its subjects, even its lost subjects. I never wished it for the barbarians that they should have the history of Empire laid upon them. How can I believe that that is cause for shame?”
I think: “I have lived through an eventful year, yet understand no more of it than a babe in arms. Of all the people of this town I am the one least fitted to write a memorial. Better the blacksmith with his cries of rage and woe.”
I think: “But when the barbarians taste bread, new bread and mulberry jam, bread and gooseberry jam, they will be won over to our ways. They will find that they are unable to live without the skills of men who know how to rear the pacific grains, without the arts of women who know how to use the benign fruits.”
I think: “When one day people come scratching around in the ruins, they will be more interested in the relics from the desert than in anything I may leave behind. And rightly so.” (Thus I spend an evening coating the slips one by one in linseed oil and wrapping them in an oilcloth. When the wind lets up, I promise myself, I will go out and bury them where I found them.)
/> I think: “There has been something staring me in the face, and still I do not see it.”
* *
The wind has dropped, and now the snowflakes come floating down, the first fall of the year, flecking the rooftiles with white. All morning I stand at my window watching the snow fall. When I cross the barracks yard it is already inches deep and my footsteps crunch with an eerie lightness.
In the middle of the square there are children at play building a snowman. Anxious not to alarm them, but inexplicably joyful, I approach them across the snow.
They are not alarmed, they are too busy to cast me a glance. They have completed the great round body, now they are rolling a ball for the head.
“Someone fetch things for the mouth and nose and eyes,” says the child who is their leader.
It strikes me that the snowman will need arms too, but I do not want to interfere.
They settle the head on the shoulders and fill it out with pebbles for eyes, ears, nose and mouth. One of them crowns it with his cap.
It is not a bad snowman.
This is not the scene I dreamed of. Like much else nowadays I leave it feeling stupid, like a man who lost his way long ago but presses on along a road that may lead nowhere.
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J. M. Coetzee, Waiting for the Barbarians
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