“And let me say,” said Mr. Dinglebat, “there are other charges you must deal with. Your foul kitchen is infested with mice.”
“And cockroaches,” said Jacob Two-Two. “And cockroaches.”
“Those are household pets,” protested Perfectly Loathsome Leo. “My mummy and I respect every living thing. So there.”
“We could inform the health department,” said Mr. Dinglebat, “and have your school-meals racket closed down just like that. And, of course, you would also have to pay a big fine.”
“Maybe as much as five thousand dollars,” said Jacob Two-Two.
Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse’s eyes just about popped out of his head. “I’m a poor man,” he said, tears streaming down his cheeks, “hardworking, and devoted to my aged mummy. And,” he added, “once I’ve paid for Miss Sour Pickle’s cruise, I’ll be broke.”
“Yippee!” exclaimed Miss Sour Pickle.
“In that case,” asked Law.
“– are the charges,” asked Order.
“– dropped?” asked the Officer-in-Charge.
“Yes, indeed,” said Miss Sour Pickle.
“In that case,” said the Officer-in-Charge, “we are no longer needed here.”
And, without further ado, the three officers left.
Mr. I.M. Greedyguts cleared his throat. “Mice! Cockroaches! I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you, Mr. Dinglebat, and you, too, my dear Jacob Two-Two, not to mention CHILD POWER, for revealing what a scoundrel I’ve been dealing with. Perfectly Loathsome Leo, you’re fired! Now I assume that takes care of everything, guys, doesn’t it?” he pleaded, reaching for another Toblerone bar.
“Not so fast, Greedyguts,” said Mr. Dinglebat, “I think you ought to listen to this. Play the tape, Jacob.”
It was the secretly recorded tape of their first interview with Mr. I.M. Greedyguts.
– If you selected me, I’d be willing to show my appreciation.
– Are you suggesting a bribe?
– Certainly not.
– How much money were you thinking of?
– Ah, you guys will be reasonable, won’t you? I’m not a rich man.
“And that money we photographed you counting in McDonald’s,” said Mr. Dinglebat, “your weekly five-hundred-dollar bribe on the slop Perfectly Loathsome Leo provides your school with, why, that money was marked.”
“Hand it over,” said Jacob Two-Two, “and we’ll show you something.”
“The day has not yet dawned,” said Mr. I.M. Greedyguts, “when I take orders from a little squirt.”
“Hand it over,” said the intrepid Shapiro.
“Right now,” said the fearless O’Toole.
“Yes, sir.”
Examining the portrait of Queen Elizabeth on the Canadian twenty-dollar bill, with the help of a magnifying glass lent to him by Mr. Dinglebat, Mr. I.M. Greedyguts noticed, for the first time, that Her Majesty’s pearl necklace was missing three pearls. Then, peering at a fifty-dollar bill, which featured a portrait of Mackenzie King, he observed that Canada’s late, great prime minister was staring at a crystal ball that had been drawn on the banknote. “Holy smokes, I’ve been framed!” cried Mr. I.M. Greedyguts, his multiple bellies heaving.
“Now, should we phone the Daily Doze?” asked Mr. Dinglebat.
“Or bring back the police?” asked Jacob Two-Two.
“Jacob,” asked a sobbing Mr. I.M. Greedyguts, “how would you like to skip a grade, and take home a report card every month with as many gold stars as your sweet little heart desires?”
“Hmmn,” said Jacob Two-Two. “Hmmn.”
“I’m also willing to do your homework for you.”
“I think you had better call back the police right now, Mr. Dinglebat,” said Jacob Two-Two.
“Couldn’t we talk this over?” asked Mr. I.M. Greedyguts.
“Oh, yes, please,” said Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse, falling to his knees.
“Tell them what they have to do, Jacob,” said Mr. Dinglebat.
Jacob Two-Two reached into his pocket for the list.
CHAPTER 25
hen the school lunch-bell rang at noon the following Monday, the boys of Privilege House dragged themselves unwillingly, their footsteps heavy, into the dining hall. Imagine their surprise when they found they were being served king-size hot dogs, chili burgers garnished with crisp, golden-brown French fries, and, chocolate ice cream for dessert.
“W-w-would anybody c-c-care for second helpings?” asked a mournful Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse.
“I do believe,” said Jacob Two-Two, “that Mickey would like another chili burger.”
“Do you realize how much that costs a pound?” demanded Perfectly Loathsome Leo.
“What did you say?” asked Jacob Two-Two.
“Coming right up,” said Perfectly Loathsome Leo.
Mr. I.M. Greedyguts sat in a corner gulping down a teacup full of potato-peel soup. “Finished,” he said, holding up his cup. “May I have more, please?”
“No,” said Chris.
“Pretty please?”
“No,” said Robby.
“But I’m starving!”
Mickey reached for an eyedropper and squeezed eight more drops into Mr. I.M. Greedyguts’ cup
“Don’t I get anything else?” asked Mr. I.M. Greedyguts.
“Sure,” said Robby, fetching him a plate on which there rested one soggy French-fried potato.
“I’m still hungry,” whined the no-longer-dreaded Mr. I.M. Greedyguts. “Have a heart, kids.”
Miss Lapointe brought him a mushy, brown lettuce salad.
“What about a dessert?” asked Mr. I.M. Greedyguts.
Jacob Two-Two served him two rock-hard, stale raisins and a glass of lukewarm water.
“But what do you say before you dig in?” cried the boys in unison.
“Oh, don’t make me do it, please,” he begged.
“We want to hear it loud and clear,” cried the boys.
“Yummy, yummy, says my tummy,” said I.M. Greedyguts.
Then a trembling Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse asked Jacob Two-Two what the boys wanted for lunch the next day.
“We’ll start with ice cream,” said Chris.
“Followed by matzo-ball soup,” said Mickey.
“And lots more ice cream,” said Robby.
“I hope you’ve written that all down, Perfectly Loathsome Leo,” said Jacob Two-Two.
“I’m a ruined man,” said Perfectly Loathsome Leo.
Then the boys called out, “THREE CHEERS FOR JACOB TWO-TWO!”
“AND CHILD POWER,” yelled Jacob Two-Two. “AND MR. DINGLEBAT, MASTER SPY!”
“HIP-HIP HOORAY!”
An elated Jacob Two-Two got home from school that afternoon just in time to see a helicopter land on Mr. Dinglebat’s front lawn, and to catch Mr. Dinglebat emerging from his house, wearing an admiral’s uniform and carrying a suitcase.
“Are you off on another mission so soon?” asked Jacob Two-Two.
“Why, before we meet again, amigo, I will have sipped sweet water in Sunset Beach, California, and watched the sun set in Sweet Water, Alabama. A master spy’s work is never done. Now, you tell your associates in CHILD POWER how much I look forward to working with them again. And, of course, with you, too, Jacob Two-Two, if not today or tomorrow, then before too long, I hope. See you anon, dear boy.”
“Come home safely, Mr. Dinglebat,” said Jacob Two-Two. “Come home safely, please.”
And he stood there, waving, until the helicopter was no more than a dot in the sky.
P.S.
THE CLAIRVOYANT’S GAMBLE
EXPLAINED, AS PROMISED
Jacob Two-Two phoned Mr. Dinglebat and said, “Hello, can you tell me if Mr. Clair-voy-ant is there, please?”
Then Mr. Dinglebat began to count, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven –”
When Jacob Two-Two interrupted, “Is that you, Mr. Clair-voy-ant?” Mr. Dinglebat continued, “Clubs, spades, he
arts –”
“Somebody would like to speak to you,” said Jacob Two-Two.
“Your card, amigo,” Mr. Dinglebat told Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse, “is the seven of hearts.”
The second time, Jacob Two-Two had said, “Sorry, but may I speak to Mr. Clair-voy-ant again, please?”
Mr. Dinglebat said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, jack –”
“Hello, is that you, Mr. Clair-voy-ant?”
Mr. Dinglebat responded, “Hearts, diamonds, clubs –”
“Somebody wants to talk to you,” said Jacob Two-Two.
Perfectly Loathsome Leo grabbed the phone.
“Your card, hombre, is the jack of clubs,” said Mr. Dinglebat.
Other Books in the
Jacob Two-Two series:
Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang
By Mordecai Richler, illustrated by Dušan Petričić
Poor Jacob Two-Two, only two plus two plus two years old and already a prisoner of The Hooded Fang. What had he done to deserve such terrible punishment? Why, the worst crime of all — insulting a grown-up.
Jacob Two-Two and the Dinosaur
By Mordecai Richler, illustrated by Dušan Petričić
When his parents bring a little green lizard home from their vacation in Kenya, Jacob Two-Two is thrilled. But as the days pass, he realizes that Dippy isn’t an ordinary lizard. In fact, Dippy’s not so little either. As Dippy grows bigger and bigger, he begins to attract attention from some very important people. Before Jacob realizes, he is on the run from the entire government.
From Jacob Two-Two on the High Seas
By Cary Fagan, illustrated by Dušan Petričić
“‘What’s that out there?’ Cindy pointed past the rail of the ship. ‘There’s something there in the mist.’
Jacob could just make out the carved figurehead of a mermaid. ‘It’s a ship, it’s a ship!’ he cried. As it became more visible, Jacob could see that it was a very old ship, the kind with three tall masts and big sails. He could also see cannons — dozens of them — lined up along the ship’s side….”
First published by McClelland & Stewart, 1995
Published in this edition by Tundra Books, 2009
Text copyright © 1995 by Mordecai Richler
Illustrations copyright © 2009 by Dušan Petričić
Published in Canada by Tundra Books
75 Sherbourne Street, Toronto, Ontario M5A 2P9
Published in the United States by Tundra Books of Northern New York, P.O.
Box 1030, Plattsburgh, New York 12901
Library of Congress Catalogue Number: 2008911579
All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system, without the prior written consent of the publisher – or, in case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a licence from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency – is an infringement of the copyright law.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Richler, Mordecai, 1931-2001
Jacob Two-Two’s first spy case / Mordecai Richler; illustrated by
Dušan Petričić.
eISBN: 978-1-77049-073-4
I. Petričić, Dušan II. Title.
PS8535.I38J35 2009 JC813′.54 C2008-908040-8
We acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Canada through the Book Publishing Industry Development Program (BPIDP) and that of the Government of Ontario through the Ontario Media Development Corporation’s Ontario Book Initiative. We further acknowledge the support of the Canada Council for the Arts and the Ontario Arts Council for our publishing program.
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Mordecai Richler, Jacob Two-Two-'S First Spy Case
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