Completely possible, but I wasn't sure I believed it.
"Why do you think your dreams a of something that's happened?" Mum asked.
"I don't know, it feels different," I replied.
"So, you don't just think because Noah has said a few things about how strange it is to have no recollection of four years of your life that you're slotting perfectly normal things into something that makes sense, or no sense, of that time you lost?" Dad said.
I only just understood what he meant and it was possible. It'd been a long time since I gave up letting it bug me but since Noah, I was trying to remember again.
"Honey, I know it is strange and frustrating but it doesn't make you different to anyone else," Mum said.
"This isn't about fitting in. Noah hasn't said anything horrible about it or me."
"Good," Dad said, raising his eyebrows and sitting back in the seat. "So, the hypnotherapy didn't work, is there anything else you'd like to try?"
Sighing, I ran my hands through my unruly hair. "I don't know. I don't want to obsess about it anymore, it's tiring, but it does bother me that I don't know."
"Would you like to work on seeing if you can remember or learning how to let it go, again?" Dad asked.
I'd let it go before. When I was eleven and determined to remember. It was useless and Mum and Dad spent a lot of time helping me come to terms with the knowledge that I probably wouldn't ever get those memories back. It was a difficult time where I argued with my parents a lot, even though it wasn't their fault. I had no desire to thrust us back to that.
"Let it go," I said with a defeated sigh. "I want to let it go again."
Mum smiled. "I think that's a wise choice. And you never know, you may remember one day. You're most likely to when you're not stressing over it."
"Yeah, maybe."
I didn't feel like I would remember, though. I wished I could let it go as I had before. This time was different; I had something to hold onto. My memories as I woke created real hope.
"What do you need from us?" Mum asked.
I need you to tell the truth.
"Nothing," I said. "Can we just forget this happened and I'll stop letting some stupid dreams eat away at me."
Mum smiled, swallowing hard. "Of course, we can."
"Good," I replied, standing up. "I'm going to get ready to go over Noah's."
I didn't look back but I knew they were watching me as I left the living room. I hadn't let it go but they needed to believe I had. They weren't going to tell me anything if there was even anything else to tell.
Whatever happened before my fourth birthday, it was up to me to unlock. No one else was going to tell me the bloody truth.
Scarlett
I WALKED ALONG the back streets of town towards the industrial areas after not going to Noah's. It was stupid and irrational, but the disappointment of my failed conversations with Mum and Dad left me desperate and determined.
So here I was, trawling the nearest industrial estate, looking for anything familiar to what I'd seen in my dreams. I wasn't even in the same town that I knew for sure, but I hoped that something would look similar. How different were warehouses anyway?
I wrapped my arms around myself as I walked. The cold wind nipped at my skin, and I wished I brought a bigger coat. It was supposed to be warming up in May, but the weather had turned again. Going back wasn't an option. As crazy as I was right now at least I was doing something.
Images of what I'd seen when I was coming around plagued me 24/7. They were more than dreams and my family weren't talking. I had to know what was going on - or what had gone on. I still didn't understand how the information could just get lost. It didn't make any sense.
My mobile phone rang in my jeans pocket. I answered the call to Noah and took shelter in a doorway to a UPS warehouse. "Hey," I said.
"Hey. Where are you?"
"At home," I replied, wincing as I lied to him. I'd hoped he wouldn't have called until after I'd got back. Noah was the only person I could actually talk to about it. Imogen thought I was just being a drama queen and told me there were things that she didn't remember, but it didn't stress her out. It was different; mine was four years and not just a few occasions.
"Right," he said, obviously upset by his tone. "Shall we try that again, Scarlett?"
"What?"
"You're lying, you're not at home."
Blood rushed to my face. "I'm sorry."
"You're lucky I called before I came over. Your parents told me you were on your way to my house but when you didn't show.... What's going on?"
"I'll come home now," I said.
"Where are you? Who're you with."
"No one. I'm just walking."
"You're just walking," he repeated, sounding like the least convinced person in the world.
I started making my way home, walking with long strides so I'd make it back quickly.
"Yeah. Things have been crazy recently, you know they have. I feel like my head's going to explode, the stress is too much. You think I'm obsessing for no reason because I'll remember eventually, and my family refuse to talk about it. No one stops to think about what I need. I just wanted some fresh air and to think for a while."
"Without telling anyone where you are?"
"Yes!" I stopped walking. He was irritating me, and I knew it was only because he was worried, but I was tired of not doing what I needed because of other people's opinions.
"I'm not coming back yet. I need time."
"Scarlett-"
"I'll speak to you tomorrow. Bye, Noah."
Hanging up and turning around, I headed back to the industrial park. I didn't want to sneak around and lie to my parents and Noah, but none of them understood how badly I needed to figure out what was going on in my head. Every time I thought about it, ice settled in my stomach. I couldn't help feeling that something was very, very wrong.
My phone rang in my pocket and as soon as it rang off it started again. Noah was persistent. I switched it to silent.
Back at UPS where I'd answered the call to Noah, I looked around. Warehouses all looked the same, right? Big and grey. I took it all in and nothing. Closing my eyes, I tried to put myself back there. To walking into the building with someone holding my hand. There was mud and rubble under my feet. The warehouse was abandoned. My white dress skimmed the ground as I walked.
I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched the top of my nose, feeling a banging headache coming on.
Remember.
It shouldn't be that hard. I'd lived through those four years; I should be able to remember them. My head constantly hurt where I desperately tried to fix the broken link in my mind.
Remember.
Evelyn. Focus on her. She was the only name I knew of the strange faces I saw. I wished I knew who she was. I didn't see much of her face, but she was pretty and had light brown hair that fell to her waist and curled at the ends. That was all I knew about her but it was still a lot more than the others.
She was running with Jeremy. Where? What were they doing?
Remember.
The soft glow of candlelight made them seem dream-like, but I knew better than that. They were in the room that was hot, too. I couldn't remember if I was playing with anyone but at the time I was just standing and watching them. Why wouldn't I have joined in? Me and Jeremy played all the time when we were younger.
I leaned back against the metal wall and gripped my hair. I was back there, playing the same memory over and over in my mind, desperately trying to extend it past the few short seconds it lasted. What happened next? I imagined a broken link and fixed it in my head, hoping, praying that it'd somehow trick my mind into mending whatever went wrong after the accident.
It happened, I was there. I could do this.
Gripping my hair tighter, I whimpered as my head started to throb. Stay with it. Don't give up. Everything was inside my head; I just had to let it out. Think. Remember. Please. I tried to do what Dr Pain got me to do and manipulate
the memory. I paused it, keeping Evelyn still in my mind. All I could see was the side of her face, her rosy cheek, button nose and the corner of her eye.
Remember.
I imagined I was with her, standing by her side, slightly taller because back then I was only a few inches shorter than Jeremy, and she only came up to his shoulder. She wore a white dress like the one I'd been wearing. I didn't feel anything when she was there.
"Ahh," I cried, pressing down on my forehead as pain sliced through my head.
The memories of me crying and boiling from the candles made my heart race in the worst way. Evelyn brought on nothing. But the candles might.
The smell, warmth and feel of having candles alight may do something. I'd been around them before, of course, but I wasn't focused on them before. I turned around yet again and jogged home, hoping this latest direction would work.
Mum and Dad were watching a movie in the living room when I got home. Jeremy's car wasn't in the drive, so he was probably off with Amie. "Is that you, Scarlett?" Dad called.
"Yeah."
"Do you want to watch Golden Gun with us? It's just starting."
"No, thanks, I'm going to have a bath."
"Okay," he replied, and I headed upstairs, stopping in the hall to grab Mum's box of candles from the dresser. If I didn't remember tonight, I didn't know what I was going to do. I was close to tears and so frustrated I felt like slamming my fist into the mirror. Something is wrong, and they won't tell me!
I locked the bathroom door, took a deep breath and started the water running. I was going to have to actually have a bath now I'd said it, but there was no way I could lock myself in the bathroom without them getting suspicious if I were just burning candles.
I set two tea lights on the windowsill, a candlestick in a holder on the side of the bath, and struck the match against the side of the box. Staring at the flame, I said a quiet prayer for this to work and lit the wicks.
Sitting on the edge of the bath, I stared at the tall, white candle on the side of the bath. That one was the closest to the one I'd seen, and I just wanted the others to give the illusion of there being more flames around without the danger of them falling out of the silver holders.
I felt the warmth and calm that staring at a flame brought, it was like cuddling up indoors on a cold, winter's day. I loved fire, had always been drawn to it. Ironic really as it was fire that stole four years from me. Well, possibly.
Stripping out of my clothes, I got into the bath and sat closer, making sure to leave enough distance so if it did fall I wouldn't get burnt. I breathed in and out slowly for five seconds, closed my eyes and felt myself being drawn towards the heat.
I gasped and was a child again and in the room that was too hot. Jeremy and Evelyn were running and this time I made them run round and round, coming in and out of shot. But this time I didn't focus on them. I left them and walked to the candles. I felt the heat from the one in front of me, smelled the smoke as the small flame flickered, creating light and dark patches behind my eyelids.
I didn't realise I was breathing so hard until my chest started to hurt. I should stop, but I felt closer than I had before. The heat and smell made me feel something. Fear. My skin may feel hot, but inside I was cold. Frozen. I gagged, swallowing bile as I felt betrayal and loneliness, even though I didn't understand it.
My eyes flew open, and I clung to the handles on the bath. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to make sense of what'd just happened. I wanted to curl up and sob until my throat was raw because of the feeling of pure fear I'd just experienced. And I didn't even know why I was afraid. Something really bad happened to me, something that my memory was protecting me from and even though I could feel how scared I was back then, it still refused to let me relive it.
"Scarlett?" Mum called, knocking on the door.
I jumped and spun around, making water swoosh up the side of the wall. My head and heart hurt so much I felt like I was going to pass out. "Yeah?" I replied as calmly as I could.
"Are you okay in there? Are you crying? Did something happen with Noah?"
Hearing her concern suddenly made me furious. How dare she ask if I was okay when this was all her fault?
"I'm fine," I replied. "We argued, but we've made up already."
"Are you sure you're okay? Why don't you come out and we can talk."
I gripped the bath handles tighter. "No, thanks. I'm okay, just want to relax for a while." I honestly did want to relax, not that I could.
"Alright. I'm downstairs if you need me."
"Thanks." I think I managed to keep the seething anger out of my words. She was my mum, how could she keep something that was obviously a huge deal, from me? They demanded honesty from me but were lying themselves. I never thought my parents would turn out to be hypocrites. I was so disappointed in them and frustrated with myself.
The truth was all I wanted. Why wouldn't anyone just give me that?
Noah
"HELLO, DONALD," I said as I took the phone from Dad and walked to my room for privacy. My nerves were all over the place after getting off the phone to Scarlett. I wanted to know where she was so I could go and get her. I felt like I was losing my grip on everything.
This was the absolute worst time to speak to Donald.
"Noah," he said smoothly. "How are you?"
"I'm fine."
"Staying strong?"
"Of course," I replied. I was trying to anyway.
"Good. We knew you would be. You ascended long ago. Your mind is strong and sharp."
Hearing those words from him now sounded... odd. "Thank you."
"No need to thank me, Noah. You are responsible for all that you have achieved."
Silence hung in the air.
He cleared his throat. "I'll get to the point, shall I?" he said, chuckling under his breath. "Scarlett. How is my daughter?"
I gripped the phone tightly, something twisting in the pit of my stomach. "She's fine." She was out there somewhere.
"Good. I expect you are keeping a close eye on her."
"I am."
"We are almost there. Just six weeks to go now."
They - we - needed her six days prior to the ceremony day to perform the rituals necessary for the sacrifice to be accepted, so we had seven days in total that she had to be with us. Her parents and the police could easily find her in that time.
"Are you worried about being caught?" I asked.
"No," he replied. "Jonathan and Marissa will expect us to have stayed in England where we have other land. They will not suspect we bought land in Ireland and merged our commune with Eternal Light in Bournemouth."
Bournemouth was my old home until we heard that The Light was going to be sacrificed and moved to Ireland where we waited for the other commune to join us afterwards. Donald had bought land in the woods in Ireland, so we could all relocate and live together as one larger united community. A few weeks later, they turned up ten people lighter and without Scarlett.
My directions were clear: Make her love and trust me then take her to Dublin on a day trip and hand her over.
The more time I spent with her, the more my instructions bothered me. I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want her to lose faith in me. But this was bigger than my feelings or what I wanted.
"Alright, good. I'm looking forward to coming home," I said.
"And we are looking forward to being complete once again. If you need anything, please call," Donald said. "I need to make my way back now, you know how I don't like being away from the community, even if it is to make a quick call."
No one did. We had to make runs into the nearest town every month for supplies and drive to the edge of the forest to make any phone calls. We all hated going.
"I will. Bye, Donald."
"Noah," he said and hung up. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and dropped my phone onto my bed.
I RUBBED MY forehead, downing a glass of water. Scarlett's parents took her because they didn't believe i
n Eternal Light anymore but could they have a point? It was my entire life, and I was starting to doubt it.
"How's it going?" Finn asked from behind me.
I lowered the glass and turned around. "Fine."
"Everything going according to the plan?"
My scalp prickled. "Yes, why?"
He shrugged. "You are spending a lot of time with her."
"That was the whole point, you idiot!" I was harsher than I planned to be. It was getting harder and harder to control my feelings and pretend this was all business. I trusted my family but what if Eternal Light were wrong? What if we were just killing the funniest, most loving, passionate, annoying, and beautiful girl I'd ever met?
What if she wasn't The Light, the key to the next life, to eternal life?
But what if she was and I could spend an eternity with her?
I wanted to ask Finn if he'd ever have doubts, but I didn't know who to trust anymore. If he told anyone that I was questioning it, I could get sent back to the others and where would that leave Scarlett?
Finn held his hands up. "Alright, just asking. What crawled up your arse and died?"
"Nothing. I'm tired, that's all."
"Is she keeping you up?"
I ground my teeth. "Nothing's happened between us."
"Whoa, Noah, calm down. I know it hasn't."
I turned back around, scared that he'd see the guilt in my eyes. Kissing was as far as I was supposed to go, our relationship had to look real, and Scarlett had to believe it.
I'd built a wall around myself the first day we'd met, but she used a sledgehammer to smash it down and made me care for her.
"You know exactly when Donald and Fiona want to do this thing?" I asked. 'Do this thing'. It was a crappy way to say 'sacrifice Scarlett'. I knew six weeks but not a specific date.
"When they're ready," he replied "Are you ready?" I used to be. We'd been working towards this forever. Everything we did was in preparation of the ritual. Now I wasn't so sure. They'd chosen me because they said I was strong and could keep the poison of the outside world out of my mind. The outside world I could do. What I couldn't do was keep a sixteen-year-old girl out.
I was either the weakest member of Eternal Light or the strongest.
"I'm ready," I replied.
"Good. Me, too." He slapped my shoulder. "I can't wait."
Smiling, I tried to dig through my mind to a time when I thought the same as Finn. When everything was easier, and my life was clear. I didn't like how clouded it had become.