Tommy had just got outside when he heard Tanya and Tamara chanting indoors. ‘We . . . want . . . To-mee, we . . . want . . . To-mee.’
Tommy walked a short distance from the crofthouse and began to press buttons. Once through, he began to speak rapidly. ‘No, I don’t care to leave my name. Pick up a pen and stop faffing around.’ There was a slight pause. ‘George,’ he said, ‘good that I caught you in. What do you mean, who’s this? This is Tommy. Remember you wanted a name? Well, this is it: Calum Macdonald from Garryhillie . . . Yeah, a Morris Minor, registration ST147X, eight Nine-Bars.’ There was a delay of two seconds. ‘I don’t know who’s goin’ to be buying. You follow him, you’ll find out, I suppose . . .’ He listened for a while. ‘You’re welcome, George. It’s a pleasure to do a favour for a friend with a good memory.’
The front door opened and Margaret emerged. She shouted over her shoulder, ‘By-ee, by-ee.’
‘By-ee, by-ee,’ Tanya and Tamara called from inside.
When Margaret reached the spot where Tommy was standing she held out her hand to retrieve the mobile.
‘There you go, Margaret,’ Tommy said. ‘Thank you. Guy wasn’t in.’
‘Everybody’s so busy nowadays,’ Margaret said. ‘Aren’t they, To-mee?’
14
He who is always jumping about will eventually fall over the cliff
Calum Macdonald shifted in the driver’s seat of the Morris Minor, the little van rushing through the night, the hills and lochs appearing in the headlights far ahead and vanishing almost at once into the darkness. Suddenly, at Eochar road-end, just as he was approaching the south ford, he heard the wail of a police car behind him. He brought the van to a halt, pulled on the handbrake and shut off the engine.
The police car halted about a yard behind him and two men got out. One of the policemen rapped on the driver’s window. The other stood at the rear of the van.
‘Open your window,’ the policeman said.
Calum rolled down the window. ‘What’s up?’
‘Reckless driving, Calum,’ said the policeman.
‘Well,’ said Calum, ‘amn’t I the stupid one? I thought you were in the wrong the way you were driving. Your car almost went up my arse back there.’ He smiled scornfully. ‘How’d you know my name?’
‘We know a lot about you, Calum,’ the policeman said. ‘In my opinion, anybody who’s driving on the main road in an old rust-bucket is nothing but an object of shame, an object of pity and a laughing-stock.’
‘And where exactly,’ Calum said, ‘in your How to Be a Policeman manual is that written down?’
‘Isn’t written down anywhere,’ the policeman said. ‘I keep it in my head.’
‘Is that right?’ Calum said.
‘Get out of the van,’ the policeman said.
‘Hey!’ Calum said as he came out of the van, slamming the door behind him.
‘Put your hands on the roof,’ the policeman said, ‘and shift your feet back a bit. Don’t move.’
‘What the fuck’s happening here?’ Calum said.
The policeman shouted to his colleague, ‘Donald, open the rear door.’
‘You guys got a warrant?’ Calum said.
‘No,’ the policeman said, ‘but Donald’s got a big crowbar. Go for it, Donald.’
Calum heard the clash of metal on metal as Donald attacked first the door, then the locks on the cases. An angry frown appeared on his face. ‘Hey,’ he shouted, ‘you can’t do that!’
‘We’re doing it, boy,’ the policeman said. He walked past Calum and made for the rear of the van. ‘And what do we have here?’ He spoke softly to Donald. ‘How many packets, Donald?’
Donald poured out all the packets on to the floor of the van and spoke slowly. ‘One . . . two . . . three . . . I think about . . . he’s got nearly eighty ounces, George.’
‘I’m placing you under arrest,’ George said. ‘Before we ask you any questions, we want you to understand your rights.’
‘I know my rights,’ Calum said.
‘Be quiet and listen to the man,’ Donald said.
‘You do not have to answer any questions,’ George said. ‘You have a right to remain silent. If you answer any questions, your answers may be used in evidence in court. Do you understand what I’ve just said to you?’
‘Of course I understand,’ Calum said. ‘You think I’m a fuckin’ idiot?’
‘You took the very words out of my mouth,’ Donald said.
‘You have the right to the services of a lawyer,’ George said. ‘Do you have a lawyer?’
‘Jesus, no,’ Calum said. ‘How would I have one of them? You just arrested me a minute ago.’
‘If you want a solicitor,’ George said, ‘you need only say so, and we will give you time to engage a solicitor and to be advised by him. You are entitled to confer with your solicitor before you answer any questions. Do you understand what I’ve just said to you?’
‘I understand,’ Calum said.
‘If you can’t afford a solicitor,’ George said, ‘a solicitor will be appointed for you by the court. Do you understand that?’
‘Yes,’ Calum said.
‘You may,’ George said, ‘if you wish, waive these rights and answer any questions we put to you. Will you answer questions?’
Calum said mockingly, ‘You can show me your arse, and there’s no way I’ll answer.’
‘Get in your vehicle,’ George said. ‘In the back seat. Donald, you get in with him. Keep a firm grip on him. If he moves, belt him one with your crowbar.’
George took out his phone and began to speak immediately. ‘Iain? George here. Tell the sergeant we grabbed your man, that he had the stuff in the back of the van. We’re coming in now.’
15
Lord! Things are going wrong!
‘What a bampot he is!’ Davy said to Duncan. They were seated at a table in the Borrodale Hotel at Daliburgh crossroads. A woman was singing a country & western song in the lounge, but with the uproar that surrounded them, from men chatting loudly and the constant rattling of glasses, they could not make out the melody or the words.
‘You know who he phones from the police station?’ Davy said. ‘Me. Well, he called Alina, and he gets her and the kids up and she’s pissed off and I had to give the police my name before they’d let him speak to me.’
‘You told me he’d got better,’ Duncan said.
‘Better than who?’ Davy said. ‘Peter Manuel? Hannibal the Cannibal? He’s goin’ to be the death of me, that’s what’s goin’ to happen.’
‘Nice boy,’ Duncan said.
‘Ah,’ Davy said, ‘what he needs is a lawyer. I said to him, “Calum, I’ll get you a lawyer. I can’t do any more for you.” ’
‘What good’s a lawyer goin’ to do him?’ Duncan said.
‘It’ll do me some good,’ Davy said. ‘It’ll get Calum off my back.’
‘It’ll be tough getting a good one who’ll take Calum on,’ Duncan said.
‘In the name of God,’ Davy said, ‘I know I can’t get a good one. Calum was alone when he got caught, and the stuff was in the back of the van. What’s a lawyer goin’ to do? Make the stuff disappear? The fellow Calum really needs is Paul Daniels.’
‘You got the money to pay a lawyer?’ Duncan said.
‘No,’ Davy said. ‘I was just . . . how are you fixed yourself, Duncan?’
‘Davy, I’m absolutely tapped out just now,’ Duncan said. ‘Do you know this? Something must have happened to the Russian girls, because I haven’t received a brown penny from them since . . . I think it was, the last money I got was the day before yesterday . . . Monday . . . yeah.’
‘It’s the Elder that done it,’ Davy said. ‘That crazy bugger has been raping and pillaging in North Uist, and he’s making his way south even as we blether here.’
‘Those poor souls,’ Duncan said.
‘Well,’ Davy said, ‘I mean, we half expected something like this to happen.’
‘We took our c
hances,’ Duncan said.
‘Right,’ Davy said, ‘and the Elder is now taking his time, like a thief in the night. Tell me what we should do, will you?’
‘The Elder doesn’t worry me,’ Duncan said. ‘Heard a kind of mixed-up whisper about him today.’ He sighed. ‘Tell me, is he a kind of shy person?’
‘Shy?’ Davy said. ‘He’s about as shy as a streaker. Why do you ask?’
‘Seems like he doesn’t like to be amongst people,’ Duncan said. ‘Hasn’t left his hotel room since he arrived in Uist.’
‘I’m not all that sure, Duncan,’ Davy said. ‘I’ll send Alina’s wee girl to the door, I hear anyone knocking during the night.’ He shook his head. ‘We goin’ to carry on with this other thing? “Conversation without Bounds”, remember?’
‘As far as I can see it’s looking good,’ Duncan said. ‘I’ve already written a couple of scripts. It won’t be long before you become really slick with them. But if you don’t want to do it, I’ll get somebody else.’
‘You’ll have to excuse me, Duncan,’ Davy said. ‘I don’t much feel like doing anything just now. I’m between a rock and a hard place. Like the old fellow from Barra, I’m in a “quadrangle”.’
16
The Elder’s breakdown
The Elder stood in the middle of his hotel room in the Dark Island Hotel in Benbecula, and from the red flush on his face he was very angry indeed. Between hands as big as shovels he shook the whisky bottle.
‘This’s empty,’ he said. ‘I’ve got another one somewhere.’ He whipped a pillow off the bed and seized a full bottle of Grouse. ‘Here it is. Fancy a wee nip, Margaret?’ He gave no invitation to the ragged boy who stood in the open doorway. He wrenched off the bottle top and filled a half-pint tumbler with whisky.
‘Too early for me,’ Margaret said, seated on a padded chair next to the television set.
‘Too early?’ the Elder said. ‘It’s nearly quarter to ten.’
‘Still too early,’ Margaret said. ‘You carry on if you want a dram, though.’
‘Excuse me, lady,’ the young man said, ‘you goin’ to pay me for . . . well . . . umh, the stuff?’
‘No,’ Margaret said.
The young man stared at her. ‘You tinker!’ he said. ‘I thought you were kidding me on.’
‘I never kid anybody on,’ Margaret said. ‘Ask the man from Lewis for the money.’
‘That wee dwarf’s looking for money, is he?’ the Elder said. ‘Bastard. If I give you the back of my hand, there’ll be nothing left of you except your shoes.’
‘Murdo,’ Margaret said, ‘whatever it was he sold you, you’ve got to pay him.’ ‘Half a quarter I gave you,’ the lad said. ‘Fifteen pounds, man.’
‘Your gear’s lousy, boy,’ the Elder said. ‘There’d be more kick in an Oxo cube. Come to think about it, maybe it was an Oxo cube.’
‘No, no,’ the lad said.
‘Murdo,’ Margaret said, ‘pay him.’
‘On the dressing table,’ the Elder said, ‘my wallet’s on the dressing table.’
‘Let him go,’ Margaret said. ‘I want to talk to you.’
‘Hey, boy,’ the Elder said, ‘there’s forty-three there. When I get up, I hope there’s thirty-three there. Got that?’
The young man walked over to the dressing table, picked up the wallet and took out ten pounds. ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘but amn’t I getting a tip?’
‘No,’ the Elder said.
The young man twisted his head round and looked at the man from Lewis with mingled boredom and displeasure. ‘That wasn’t your tune at half past five this morning.’
‘I’ll give you a tip, then,’ the Elder said. ‘Get a proper job.’
‘This is better than cutting peat,’ the young man said.
‘I wouldn’t know anything about that,’ the Elder said. ‘It’s oil-fired central heating we’ve got in Back.’
The young man walked towards the door. He halted. He turned to face the Elder. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘it’s not much better than cutting peat, sometimes. But it’s, it’s mostly better. The odd time, you know, you meet an old skinflint, and then it’s mostly slower.’ He turned.
‘You know what, boy?’ the Elder said. ‘Some day an old skinflint’s goin’ to give you a punch that’ll level you. How’d you like that?’
‘You think it’d give me a bigger thrill than the Oxo cube?’ the young man said.
‘Fuck off, you prick,’ the Elder said.
‘Go to hell,’ the young man said, and quickly departed, slamming the door behind him.
The Elder filled his glass again and drank a mouthful. He said to Margaret with sadness in his voice, ‘Which is the very place I’ve been since I arrived on this island. I’ve been stuck in here since last Tuesday, and the only people I’m seeing are thieves. One worse than the other. And I’ve spent a fortune on . . . Oxo.’
‘Are you goin’ to be all right for Sunday?’ Margaret said. ‘Today’s Thursday. You don’t have much time.’
‘I’m as fit as a fiddle, right now,’ the Elder said. ‘Christ’s sake, leave me alone, will you?’
‘I’ve changed my mind,’ Margaret said. ‘Don’t go near the Russian girls. They’re no longer involved in the business. What you’ll do is, you’ll go after this man, Tiny MacCormack, and when you’re finished you’ll put the fear of death into Davy. Can you do that? I’m not goin’ to cut your wages.’
‘That’s all right with me,’ the Elder said.
‘Look, Murdo,’ Margaret said, ‘this afternoon three guys are going to come up to your room here and they’ll talk to you about what you’ve got to do. They’ll take you on a trip.’
‘Where the fuck are they?’ the Elder said. ‘Get them up here.’
‘You,’ Margaret said, ‘I’ll tell you what you’re going to do, right? You’re going to bed.’
‘I’m not tired,’ the Elder said.
‘You look completely wiped out to me,’ Margaret said. ‘Go to bed, you clown. It’s not even eleven o’clock yet. These people will come and visit you round about three and you better be up, because if you’re not, I’m going to telephone Stornoway and the folk up there’ll put your backside on a burner.’
‘Okay,’ the Elder said.
‘No drink, no smoking, no nothing,’ Margaret said. ‘Get yourself a shower and get into bed. You understand?’
‘I don’t take orders from anyone,’ the Elder said, ‘never mind the likes of you, you bitch.’
17
When bad things happen, they happen with a vengeance
Margaret switched off the ignition of the Land-Rover and waited until MacAskill came out of the bank in Lochmaddy. As soon as he got in he started to speak right away. ‘I’m not complaining, but do you know that you put over a hundred miles on the mileage when I lent you this vehicle the day before yesterday?’
‘Get over it,’ Margaret said. ‘There’ll be a lot more on the mileage before the weekend. I need it tomorrow as well.’
‘What a time you’re taking with this, girl!’ MacAskill said. ‘Okay, I’m here. What bad news do you have for me now?’
‘Well,’ Margaret said, ‘it seems that we have . . . umh, we had a problem with the Lewisman.’
‘We’re not supposed to have any problems,’ Mac-Askill said. ‘What’s up?’
‘The Elder,’ Margaret said. ‘He’s absolutely useless. I got rid of the Russians myself. Well, by tomorrow night they won’t be around. I’ve an idea we won’t be hearing from Mr Macdonald for a while . . .’
‘What about Davy?’ MacAskill said.
‘Let me finish,’ Margaret said. ‘I’m pretty sure I can lay my hands on him whenever I want, but Tiny, I can’t get near him just now.’
‘But he’s the main man,’ MacAskill said. ‘Won’t the Elder do the business with him?’
‘He can’t,’ Margaret said. ‘If he was the Elder I knew a long time ago, he could do the business. But now, he’s just a broken reed.’
 
; ‘What’s wrong with him?’ MacAskill said.
‘First thing,’ Margaret said, ‘he’s drinking like a fish. Also he’s become seriously fond of the ganja.’
‘What did you say, girl?’ MacAskill said.
‘Ganja . . . gear . . . cannabis . . . marijuana, you know?’ Margaret said.
‘Oh, I get it,’ MacAskill said.
‘Anyway,’ Margaret said, ‘he’s been in trouble with the law over some underage girl, he’s not working, the wife’s got a toy boy, and he’s got hassle with his own kids. And he’s no longer an elder.’
‘That wouldn’t prevent him doing the job for us here though, would it?’ MacAskill said.
‘It would,’ Margaret said. ‘He won’t come out of his room.’
‘Why?’ MacAskill said.
‘Paranoia,’ Margaret said. ‘When he landed in Benbecula he asked me to get him a lump of gear, and I thought, it’s not my business. I spoke to a guy, the guy got him some stuff. What the Elder did then, he gets the guy to tell him what other people are in the same business. Cannabis and whisky, that’s what’s kept him alive since he arrived.’
‘The Elder has to leave Uist,’ MacAskill said. ‘It’d have been good if he’d left yesterday.’
‘Three o’clock today, actually,’ Margaret said.
‘What?’ MacAskill said.
‘He was captured by three guys from the great Church of Back at three o’clock,’ Margaret said.
‘How?’ MacAskill said.
‘I phoned them,’ Margaret said. ‘Told them that he was demented and that he’d be better off amongst his own people on his death-bed.’
‘And they took him away without any trouble?’ MacAskill said.
‘As soon as he clocked those crows, he left with them like a little lamb. I watched the four of them leaving. Know what the tall, skinny one said as they crammed him into the car? “Come along, Murdo,” he said, “Christ’s Gospel is a mystery to them here in Uist.” ’
‘Maybe he wasn’t far wrong,’ MacAskill said. ‘Okay, that leaves Tiny and the young fellow, Davy.’