We shouldered our way down the hall, through crowds of scattering kids. A light box flickered overhead. Eric had a soft smile on his lips. “Nah, Ivy. It’ll be fine.” Shannon’s warning echoed in my mind, He’ll kill you. I couldn’t see it. That made me either reckless—or retarded. Probably both.
“You always think everything will be fine,” I said half laughingly. “Seriously, I mutilated our worm and the frog. If the pig wasn’t already dead, I’d feel sorry for him. As it is, I can tell it’s just a train wreck waiting to happen. I’m gonna feel like its Wilbur… or it’ll make me think of ham.” I cringed. “Well, either way, it’s got a C written all over it.”
Eric’s soft steps fell in perfect pace to mine. They matched his sweet, quiet demeanor. “I am serious. It’ll be fine.” He looked at me out of the corner of his eye, still smiling, amused.
“The only reason you’re the other dumb one,” God help me, I used air quotes for dumb one, “is because I suck your lab grades down. I don’t think that’s fair either,” I said looking him square in the face. “You know all this stuff. And I keep messing it up.” Our paces slowed in sync, as I neared my locker. Eric stopped, and touched my arm. Still emotionally raw from my encounter with Collin last night, I flinched. His hand withdrew. Not meaning to shake him off, I reached out for him. My fingers wrapped around his forearm gently, and he paused, looking at me. “Eric, I’m jumpy. That’s all. It’s not you. I swear. What were you going to say?”
I wasn’t interested in Eric. Not like that, but I didn’t want him to think he was gross or something. I wasn’t a touchy feely friend, but I didn’t shirk at my friends’ touch either. I guess I was somewhere in between.
He smiled, nodding, “Nothing, it’s just. Well, I’m going to the diner in a sec. You want to come?”
“Sure, just let me grab my stuff.” I didn’t want to go home yet. I’d be okay, and if Jake showed up Eric was a good person to be with.
Eric started to say something, but his mouth faltered and snapped shut. His smile faded just as quickly. I looked up to see what caused his abrupt change. My eyes wandered across the groups of kids and landed on my locker. Collin was leaning against it, surrounded by a gaggle of girls. I groaned out loud. Eric sniggered.
Turning to Eric, I asked, “I’ll meet you over there?”
He gave me a look of condolences, and said, “Sure. See ya there.” His pace quickened. Eric and Collin glared at each other as he passed. I turned my attention back to my locker. Embarrassment related to last night crept over my skin, making me feel hot. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to see him, mostly, because I had made an idiot out of myself.
I said nothing, and opened my locker. Collin watched me. I tossed my bio book into the bottom, and then stood on my toes to sift through the crap at the top. My math book was up there. Somewhere. Not finding it, I lowered my heels to the floor. Ugh. It must be down bottom. The bottom of my locker looked like a ski hill made of paper, books, and the occasional Spork. I crouched down to sift through the pile, squatting, wishing I could leave without it.
Collin crouched next to me, “Ivy. Dear. This may be obvious, but you are a slob.” A playful smile flashed across his face, as he looked at me. He was going to act like last night never happened. Oh God. Then it would be hanging there, perpetually stuck, like a scratched CD, skipping back to the blunder for eternity.
But, like him, I didn’t want to talk about it now either. “Go away Collin,” I said, not putting much feeling into it, digging through papers, slowly unearthing textbooks. He continued to crouch next to me, laughing lightly. He bumped into me, and knocked me off balance. If I’d been paying attention, it wouldn’t have happened. But I wasn’t. Unable to shift my weight fast enough, I fell backward, and landed on my butt. When I looked at him, a coy smile tugged at one corner of his mouth.
I grumbled half-heartedly, “Grow up!” I rolled to my knees, reaching into my locker, and grabbed my bio book. Turning, I held the book with two hands, and whapped him in the chest. He toppled over from his crouched perch. But before he fell, he stuck his foot out and took me back down with him. My laughter broke free, as the rest of my bad mood fizzled. Our jean clad legs tangled together, and I fell onto his chest with the bio book separating us. For a second, my life felt normal. I had one of my best friends back, but the feeling faded quickly. The close proximity conjured the memories from last night. Quickly, I pushed myself off of him. I sat down on the floor in front of my locker, pushing my hair out of my eyes. Collin rolled himself upright, still laughing.
“Get a room!” some guy yelled, as he sprinted past. Most of the students had either left the building, or were headed to their after-school activities.
We looked at each other and laughed lightly, but the laughter ended too soon to be real. Crap. This was what I’d done to our friendship. The halls were empty.
Desperately, I wished last night hadn’t happened. I wanted my friend back. Collin leaned his head back against the locker, and we looked at each other. The silence continued. Comfortable silence was normal for us, but this wasn’t it. I felt weird. I just wanted his friendship, to be secure in knowing that I still had it. Fear clutched at me, realizing the thought I was dreading. I’ve lost him.
“No you haven’t. You’ll always have me,” he said relaxed.
The smile faded from my face. I lifted my back off the locker slowly, heart hammering, “What? What did you say?” Holy crap. Did he hear me? Panic shot through my entire body. My stomach twisted in knots. His eyebrows shot up, as he squirmed, looking away from me. He ran both hands through his hair at the same time, avoiding my gaze.
“Collin… ,” I paused, feeling stupid. Almost too stupid to ask the question, but I had to know, “Did you… hear me?” My pulse raced. Our eyes locked, and I couldn’t look away.
The corner of his mouth tugged his face into a lopsided smile. Nervously he asked, “So, you’re finally gonna admit it?” I started to protest, but he cut me off, “No. No, you can’t deny it now. And yes, I can hear you. And I know you can hear me.” I jerked away, feeling panic rising into my throat. Leaning his head against the locker, he ignored my panic. “Don’t act all shocked. You’ve known for as long as I have. Since that night your friend went psycho on me. I know you noticed.” He paused, looking around to make sure we were really alone. “We were at that party, and your friend was telling me off. You came over to drag her back to her hag cave, and it happened. Our eyes locked, and you brushed my arm as you passed. It was eye to eye, flesh to flesh. I felt you. I heard you. And I know you heard me. You just never wanted to admit it.” He shrugged, “Neither did I. But there it is.”
My eyes were wide, as he retold a memory that haunted me. It made me think I was totally insane. Things like that don’t happen. I thought about it a million times, wondering what occurred. When I passed him that night, I meant to tease him, and get him off balance, so that he would leave Shannon alone. I locked eyes with him, brushing my arm against him as I passed. But I made a mistake. I didn’t account for what happened. When we touched, it felt like I licked an outlet. When the static jolt passed, warm fuzziness flooded my brain, melting me, while the rest of my body felt like I was naked in the snow. It was bizarrely uncomfortable. But that wasn’t the most uncomfortable part—feeling him was. His soul, his being, or whatever you want to call it, spoke to mine. I heard him. I felt him. I knew exactly what he was talking about.
Swallowing hard, uncertainty grabbed me. I knew he was right, but I still couldn’t accept it. “No,” my voice was soft, barely audible, “It’s only intuition. Or a hunch. There is no way you’re reading my mind.” My curls fell over my shoulder, forming a wall to hide behind. I refused to look at him.
“Then look me in the eye. Prove me wrong.” He waited, but I wouldn’t look up. I couldn’t. Fear clawed through my stomach in waves. I didn’t know what was happening. “Ivy,” his voice softened from arrogant I-told-you-so, to kind, “It’s all right. You avoid it for th
e same reason I do—it makes you feel vulnerable. And it tingles a little bit.” Looking out of the corner of my eye, I saw him smiling. “I know you avoid it—on purpose—because you want to ignore our bond.”
A single brow shot up, as I stammered for words. Looking him square in the eye, I asked, “Our bond? Oh please. There is no bond. What’s wrong with you?” I laughed nervously. “And whatever you’re doing is not mind-reading.” I folded my arms, slamming my back into the locker.
“What I’m doing?” he laughed. “This isn’t my doing. It’s you, Ivy. I can’t read people’s minds. You’re doing it!” His blue eyes were wide, as he turned toward me.
“I am not!” I protested. “I don’t know how you do that to me.”
“Yes you do. If we lock eyes, I can hear you. If you touch me, all your senses flood me. It’s overwhelming at times. It scared the hell outa me at first, then I realized it was something that just happened when you were around. Since you seemed content to ignore it, I did the same.”
“There is no way that I’m the one causing that!” I desperately wanted him to be wrong. It couldn’t be me. There was no way. Jumping to my feet, the desire to run away flooded me. Heart racing, I started to walk away quickly down the hall, but Collin was right behind me.
“Ivy, wait,” he said following me. But I couldn’t stop. I felt my body shaking, terrified of his words—of him. His steps hastened behind me, and then he whirled in front of me so fast that I jerked back. Suddenly, Collin stood in front of me ready to pin me to the locker if I moved. I turned my face away from him, refusing to look him in the eye, hoping that he wouldn’t touch me. My heart hammered against my ribs, making it impossible to ignore my fear. “Ivy,” he breathed the words inches from my turned face, “I didn’t think you were such a coward.”
I bristled. My face snapped up, and I looked up at him. “What?”
His expression was full of pity. “I would have never said anything, if I knew you’d run. Out of the two of us, I thought you’d handle this better.” He stepped back, breaking our gaze, and gestured for me to leave. Stunned, I stood there, unable to move. Cowardly wasn’t something I wanted to be. His opinion bruised my ego, and made it impossible to flee. I said nothing, not knowing what to do.
Collin said, “I know this is weird. But it’s there. And I don’t want to lose you over it. Last night… ” he paused, turning from me. My eyes lifted, looking at his back. His hands desperately clung to his head. He wasn’t handling this well either. Somehow, that gave me courage when I had none.
Taking a step, I walked up behind him, reaching for his shoulder. Before I touched him, he spun around, almost knocking into me. His vivid blue eyes locked with mine. Uncertainty grabbed me, choking my throat. Swallowing hard, I asked, “That’s why you ran? Last night. You were afraid? Of me?” My heart pounded as I watched my words melt into him.
Collin looked away, unsure. His arms folded, as he looked at the floor. His dark hair swept across his eyes. After a moment he nodded, saying, “See for yourself.”
“I did. I was there. Remember? I saw, but I don’t know what happened. Why did you run?” My body trembled, and I fought to stop shaking. The idea of this terrified me, and acting like it was real, made it worse.
Stepping toward me, he said, “No, you can see for yourself.” He reached for my hands, taking them in his own. His body tensed with contact, sharply taking in air. He lifted my hands to his face, and released his grip. Standing in front of me, his sapphire eyes were intense, watching. My hands rested gently on his face, as I slid my fingers down to his cheeks, adjusting my reach to his height. His warm skin was smooth, but that feeling was sucked away before I had time to think about it. An icy hot jolt shot through me, and then faded into the bizarre naked-in-the-snow sensation that made me squirm. My heart raced inside my chest. I was losing my nerve.
His voice was soft, “Look at me Ivy. Look into my eyes, and don’t look away. Let it happen this time. I’ll show you why I ran. You can see it.” My hands shook, as they touched his skin. I gazed up into his eyes—terrified. It wasn’t the same terror as being attacked, knowing my life was at stake. It was something more carnal, more intimate than I’d ever shared with anyone. It was total exposure of soul and self, with nowhere to hide. I hated it.
My heart raced wildly, until the onslaught of sensations subsided. Drawing in a long breath, the bond shifted. It made me feel like I was Collin. I could hear and feel his thoughts. His whims. His dreams. All of it. It was floating around me, inside me, brushing against my consciousness. His defenses of charm and wit flew by, as I fell deeper into his mind. Secret thoughts flew past, as I saw the things he guised from the rest of world. Then I found myself settling into his memory from a few moments ago. I felt the pure joy he felt when he had knocked me on my butt. Collin’s chest rose and fell, as he breathed slowly—his blue gaze intense. He stood stone still, watching me, allowing the invasion into his mind. I looked at him, eyes unseeing, sensing his memories through my touch. They had his voice, and his perception of reality.
Then, I saw last night, but from his eyes. He heard my voice in his mind, as he sat laughing with friends. Then my crushing sadness washed over him. He was flooded with raw emotion that was too painful to ignore. He battled it, but it was consuming him. The wave of remorse, anger, and fear that washed over me as I sat crying on the stone floor of the old church, consumed him. My anguish became his anguish. Unable to ignore it another second, he was suddenly running toward me. I felt his feet pounding the ground, as his heart heaved. He ran, not knowing where I was. Everything happened so quickly. The version of the memory I saw wasn’t in real time. It flew by like a TiVoed commercial that no one wanted to watch.
Suddenly, he found me alone in the dust. The old church surrounded him, dropping into his memory like a blanket, coming slowly into focus. The change of pace jarred me, as the sensation of my brokenness surged through him in full force. It was more intense than before. He loomed in a dark corner, watching me, unable to move. Remaining hidden by shadows, he thought he was safe. Unseen. He watched my back, as I breathed deeply with my damp shirt clinging to my skin. My ponytail flopped over my shoulder, as I slumped forward. The emotions he felt flooding from me were filling him in unrelenting waves, and caused his body to tense. His sentiments were too tangled to read, but as he watched me I knew that he was torn.
Suddenly, the memory scattered like tiny grains of sand blown away by the wind. My contact with his skin broke, as my fingertips touched his collar. I rested my hands on his shoulders for a second, breathing heavily, before dropping my arms and stepped back. A cold wash of panic rinsed over me, as I accepted the truth.
It was real. Oh God. I could feel everything he felt, see what he saw, and it was more vivid than being there, watching it myself. It was like I was inside of him, experiencing it with him. I nervously chewed my lip. Thoughts flew like drunken bats, crashing incoherently through my mind.
Heart pounding, eyes wide, I asked, “Did you read my mind, too?”
He shook his head, with his eyes downcast. “No. Not really. It seems to go one way, for the most part.”
I released the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding, looking at his face. Sapphire eyes watched me, before Collin broke the gaze. He possessed a melancholy nature that I was too shaken to notice. I’d seen it in his mind. No I felt it in his mind. It weighed on him, baiting him, making him reckless. Collin’s arms folded over his chest, as his hair slid into his face. He pushed it back, eyes darting between me, and the floor.
Swallowing hard, I thought about him doing the mind speed-read to me. The idea made it feel like someone poured ice down my back. I closed my eyes slowly, not knowing what to think, too afraid to move.
His voice broke the silence, “That’s why I couldn’t kiss you.”
Shock washed over me, overriding my fear. I looked straight at him. That was the last thing I expected him to say. “What?”
His eyes were so blue, and his expr
ession was tormented as he spoke. “Ivy, your emotions flood through me when we aren’t even touching. A slight caress from you, something I would barely notice from other girls, is so intense that… ,” his words trailed off. “I don’t know what’ll happen—with a kiss.” He shook his head, almost ashamed of what he’d said.
An odd sensation snaked through my body. I wanted to consider what it was, and tell him it was okay. But it wasn’t. I had a deadly secret. He’d see it, Hell, he’d feel it if we kissed. He’d learn what I was, and about the Martis. If he stuck around after seeing that, there was no way he’d stay knowing about the prophecy. I was damned, destined to destroy everyone.
Looking down, I heard myself agreeing with him. “You don’t have to explain. You’re right.”
Silence filled the air until I couldn’t take it anymore. Emotions swirled relentlessly inside my chest, filling me with regret. My voice was weak, “I’ll see you around, I guess.” Careful not to look him in the eye, I turned and started walking away. No voice called after me. No footfalls came running up behind me. My stomach sank in the deafening silence, realizing that my fear came true. I lost him.