As if reading my mind, he shook his head and ran his thumb along my lower lip. “That’s not what I meant, Shay.” He claimed my mouth in a lingering, lovingly sweet kiss. “I have no regrets about last night.” He kissed me again. “None.” And again. “Not one.” Leaning back, he searched my eyes for something. “Do you?”
“No.” My answer was swift and sure.
He tilted his head. “Not even the way I was too rough with you the first time?”
I sensed his guilt and hated that he felt as if he had hurt me or done something wrong. Touching his cheek, I said, “Alexei, I should have told you that I hadn’t ever gone that far. You shouldn’t feel guilty about anything that happened last night.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I glanced down, suddenly embarrassed. “I guess…maybe…I was worried you wouldn’t want me.”
“What?” he asked, seemingly incredulous at the very thought. Tilting my head up with fingers beneath my chin, he stared at me in utter confusion. “How could you ever think that I wouldn’t want you?”
Didn’t he understand? Didn’t he realize how high his dating stock was compared to mine?
“Alexei, you’re this ridiculously hot guy with a long history of lovers and mistresses who have rocked your freaking world. I can’t compare with that. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just…stumbling along behind you, trying to catch up.”
“If you feel like you’re stumbling behind, say something, Shay. I want you to walk beside me. Don’t ever let me pressure you into doing something you don’t like just because it’s something I enjoy.”
“But how will I know if I enjoy it if I don’t try it with you?”
He didn’t have a quick answer for that. “We’ll have to take it slow. You have to promise me that you will always tell me to stop if you don’t like something we try. I can’t stand the thought of hurting you, Shay.” He touched his forehead to mine. “It would fucking destroy me if I found out you felt used or abused or forced into something.”
“You would never let it get that far.”
“I’d like to think I wouldn’t, but I can’t read your mind. You have to speak up, Shay.”
“I will.”
“Promise me, Shay.”
“I promise, Alexei.”
As if remembering the other thing I had said, he added, “And you don’t ever have to compare yourself to the other women in my past.” His gaze bore into me. “Do you understand that?”
“Yes.”
“All I want is you, Shay. Just you. Exactly as you are.”
“That’s a good thing.” I slid my hand down to the side of his neck and ran my thumb back and forth along the underside of his jaw. “That’s all I can offer.”
“It’s more than enough, Shay.” Turning his head, he kissed my palm before turning his worried gaze to me. “But,” he said with a sigh, “we made two mistakes last night.”
Instantly, I knew what he meant. “I’m so sorry, Alexei. I swear I didn’t do it on purpose. I’ve never been so irresponsible. I never thought—”
“Hush.” He pressed his lips to mine, silencing my rambling. “There’s more than enough blame to share. The bulk of the blame is on me, Shay. I’m older than you. I’m more experienced. I seduced you, and I should have been prepared.”
“It’s my body. I should have been more careful with it.”
“I would never put you at risk of any sort of disease, Shay.” He rubbed the back of his neck and glanced away briefly. He seemed reluctant as he said, “I served time in prison and tuberculosis is rampant there. The worst kind. The one that doesn’t respond to drugs. Even though I know I’m clear, I still go in every year and demand a test from my doctor. It’s crazy to do that. I haven’t been exposed in decades but I can’t shake that worry.”
His eyes closed for a brief moment, and I witnessed the dark shadow of his complicated history cross his face. “When I used to fight underground, there was a lot of blood.” He cringed as if remembering the mess in those cages at the end of fight night. “A lot of blood,” he repeated. “Back then, they didn’t test anyone. They just threw us in the ring and had us beat the shit out of each other until one man was left standing. Now? Now Nikolai and Besian make sure everyone has papers proving they’re clean.”
He cupped the back of my neck and stared into my eyes. He was being totally open with me and seemed to be trying to reassure me that he was telling the truth. “I’ve been tested for all the horrible blood borne diseases. I’ve also been tested for everything to do with sex. The tests are always negative. It’s been years since I fought in a cage, and I’ve always been careful when I fuck around so it’s definitely overkill to be tested so much. I know it is. But I would hate myself if I hurt a woman who shared my bed.”
Seeing this side of Alexei surprised me. He was letting me see the real him beneath that ultra-confident shell. Deep down, he was vulnerable and unsure. At the purest part of him, he wanted to be a good man, to care and provide and protect the woman in his life. It was an old-school sentiment—and one I was starting to find intensely attractive.
Not wanting him to beat himself up over our mistake, I said, “Alexei, I’m sure we’re fine. You obviously monitor your health closely. I’ll have my doctor run some tests the next time I see her if that will put your mind at ease.”
“I can show you my latest results, if you’d like. I have them in my electronic medical chart that the hospital uses.”
“That’s fine.” We had flirted with danger last night, and we couldn’t do it again. But I wasn’t going to berate him when it was clear he had been diligent about protecting himself.
Clearing his throat, he said, “Last night was the first time I’ve forgotten a condom. I’m not sure if you’re taking something…?”
I shook my head. “I’m not.”
“Well, we’ll have to do something about that,” he said. “Until then, I’ll wear a condom. If you want to keep having sex with me,” he added.
“Of course, I want to keep having sex with you!” I couldn’t even believe he would ask something that crazy.
He laughed. “Good. Because I want to keep having sex with you.” He reached into the back pocket of his jeans and shifted on his seat. “About last night? Just in case, I got this for you when I went out this morning.”
I didn’t know what to say when Alexei placed the familiar box in front of me. I had seen the morning after pill in a few stores and had even bought it for Shannon once when she was too embarrassed to go in and buy it herself. Uncertain about how to take it or whether I even wanted to take it, I picked it up and turned the box over to read the back.
Alexei gently grasped my wrist and lowered my hand holding the box so he could meet my gaze. “If you want to take it—”
“If?” I seized on that surprising start to his sentence.
“I won’t force you take it. I won’t even ask you to take it. This is your decision, and I will support whatever choice you make.”
For a man so inclined toward rather alpha, dominant behavior, I was pleasantly surprised by his stance on this issue. My heart beat a little faster when I considered the possibilities of what could happen if my dates were wrong. I hadn’t ever given much thought to babies or motherhood, but it suddenly seemed like an interesting idea and one I very much wanted to pursue.
With Alexei.
But just not right now.
“I’m sure I’ve already ovulated. I, um, I have a cycle that runs like a clock.” Struck by the awkwardness of discussing my cycle with Alexei, I ducked my head. “But, um, I can take this anyway. If you want me to, I mean.” I glanced at the box again. “It’s not foolproof. If I’ve already ovulated—and I’m sure I did—then this pill won’t do anything because there is no egg to delay. If I ovulated yesterday, biology is going to win because this pill won’t work. There’s still a risk that we might be shopping for diapers in nine months.”
I started to open the box but Alexei snatched i
t out of my hand. He seemed as shocked by his action as I was. Very slowly, he placed it on the counter and pushed it back toward me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”
“Alexei.” I pinned him in place with an imploring gaze. “Tell me what you want me to do.”
He raked his fingers through his short hair and rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t have any right to ask you to not take it but I don’t want you to feel pressured to do something just because I want it.”
“Is that what you want?” I searched his handsome face for the answer. His expression was one I couldn’t quite place. Was it yearning? Did he want a family? With me?
Gently covering his hand with mine, I said, “Alexei, I know my body, and I doubt we even need to be having this discussion. I don’t want you to get your hopes up about the tiniest, slimmest of possibilities.” Interlacing our fingers, I gave his hand a squeeze. “But if I was at a place in my life where starting a family seemed like a good idea, you would be at the top of my list for a partner in that adventure.”
His surprised gaze shifted to meet mine. “Why?”
Bemused by his confusion, I touched his face with my other hand. “Alexei, look at what you’ve done for me in the last two days! You protected me. You defended me. You took care of me.” I leaned in and kissed him tenderly. “Someday, you’re going to be a very good father.”
His hand tightened around mine. “I would take care of you, Shay.”
“You already do.”
Alexei trailed his fingers down my arm until they rested on my hand. “I want you to pack your things. You’re leaving this penthouse today.”
Taken aback, I asked, “Are you throwing me out?”
“No!” Alexei hurriedly stood and gathered me close to his chest. Crushed in his arms, I relaxed. “I’m not throwing you out, Shay. I’m taking you home with me.”
Pushing back on his chest, I gazed questioningly up at him. “But I thought—”
He touched my lips, gently interrupting me. “You don’t belong in this place.” He glanced around the luxury penthouse he had used as his private playground for many years. “Maybe I don’t belong here anymore either.” His gaze returned to me. “Maybe you’ve changed me.”
“Is that a good thing?” Considering all the trouble I had caused him, I wasn’t so sure.
“The very best thing.” He brushed his thumb along my jaw. “After we get you settled in at the house, I’m going to the gym. It’s my normal Sunday afternoon routine. We need to try to behave as normally as possible this week, just in case the police come sniffing around about your sister or Lalo. What do you typically do on a weekend?”
“Work.”
He exhaled a rough burst of laughter. “Why am I not surprised?”
Feeling a bit defensive, I thumped his arm. “Some of us have bills to pay and wayward older sisters to support.”
“Not anymore,” he said, capturing my hand and bringing it close for a kiss. “From now on, you work on your handbags and that’s it. I’ll handle the rest.”
I didn’t want to argue with him so I decided to let it go for now. Later, we would have to sit down and have a realistic discussion about my finances and his expectations in a relationship.
He let go of my hand and retrieved his buzzing cell phone. After answering a text, he set it aside. “Stas is going to meet us at my house.”
“So I have to keep the bodyguard even if I’m living with you?”
“Bodyguards are non-negotiable from this day forward.”
“Even after we fix this mess with Shannon?”
He nodded. “You know my history, Shay. I have enemies—and now I have a weakness.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Is that supposed to be a compliment?”
“I’ve never worried about anyone coming after a woman of mine until you. Take that as you will.” His thumb glided along the outline of my mouth before sliding toward the bruise darkening my cheek. “I can’t let this happen to you again.”
I nuzzled into his strong hand. “This wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe not, but it’s a reminder of how close I came to losing you.” He softly kissed the bruise. “Twice.”
“I nearly lost you when Lalo turned his gun on you,” I murmured, thinking of how horribly it all could have gone wrong. “I nearly lost my best friend, too.”
“Shay, you have to promise me you will never again jump in front of a gun like that,” Alexei ordered. There was a panicked look on his face that I never wanted to see again. He seemed haunted by the memory of last night.
“I won’t.” I placed my hands on either side of his neck and leaned in to kiss him. It was a gentle kiss, the kind that sealed a vow. Ending it, I leaned back just enough to look into his eyes. “I won’t ever do anything that puts us in danger again.”
Alexei’s worried expression faded. A slow smile spread across his handsome face. “Us?” He wound a tendril of my hair around his finger. “I like the sound of that.”
“So do I,” I whispered, my heart racing and my stomach fluttering excitedly.
He playfully tugged my hair. “Get packed. I’ll clean the kitchen and then we’ll leave.”
“It won’t take me long to pack. I only have a few things here.” I stood and started to back away from him but stopped. A nagging question wouldn’t leave me. If I was moving in with Alexei, what did us mean?
“What is it?” He read me so easily.
“What about our arrangement? What about your rules?”
“You blew that arrangement straight to hell last night.” He walked toward me and cupped my face. “We’re playing by new rules today.”
I had a sneaking suspicion I was really going to like this new game. Walking my fingers up his chest, I rose on tiptoes and brushed my lips to his. “I can’t wait to play.”
Chapter Sixteen
Dripping with sweat and breathing hard, Alexei continued pushing through the burn of another set of bench dips. He eyed the whiteboard mounted on the closest wall where Ivan had scrawled the workout plan for today in that terrible handwriting of his.
One-Arm Kettlebell Push Press
Dumbbell Bench Press
Side Lateral Raise
Push-Ups
Lying Dumbbell Tricep Extension
Bench Dips
Chest Dips
Handstand Push-Ups
Push-Ups
Bench Dips
Chest Dips.
Ivan seemed intent on exercising him to death today. If he didn’t know any better, Alexei might think Ivan was pissed off at him, but this was pure Ivan. He ran his gym with an iron fist and demanded the members meet the workout goals—or fuck off across town to Connolly Fitness.
“Watch your form,” Ivan barked as he left another workout station and strode closer. He spun a towel like a windmill as he drew near. “Your arms are fatigued.” e HeAs if to prove his point, Ivan kicked him right in the ass as he dipped down too low. It wasn’t a hard blow, barely more than a tap, but it drove home the point. “You’ve gone beyond set failure. Stop. Recover.”
The burn in Alexei’s arms had spread to his chest by now. Knowing Ivan was right, he eased off the bench and into a standing position. Shaking out his hands, he walked to the whiteboard and slashed his finger through the set he had just finished, smearing the dry erase marker. Only one set of exercises remained to be completed but he needed more time to recover.
Hotter than hell, Alexei ripped off his t-shirt and wiped his sweaty face and neck with it. He caught the water bottle Ivan tossed at him and took a long drink.
“I see the rumors are true.”
“Huh?” When Ivan gestured to the mirror, he contorted his upper body to get a better look. The angry red scratches on his shoulders and lower back were impossible to ignore. A quicksilver flash of something dark and possessive ignited within him as he remembered Shay grasping and scratching at him while he thrust into her.
Without warning, Ivan popped him across the back w
ith the towel he had been carrying. “Don’t start bragging. I’ll make you cover up.”
Hissing with the sharp bite of pain, Alexei jerked the towel away from Ivan and whacked him right back with it. “Like you haven’t walked around here with love bites from Erin all over your neck?”
Ivan yanked the towel back and landed a vicious snap right across Alexei’s ass. “That’s my wife you’re talking about.”
He grinned at Ivan’s reaction. “I didn’t see Erin today.”
Ivan’s happy demeanor switched to one of frustration. “She’s visiting her sister.”
Alexei had to tread carefully here. Ivan’s feelings about his incarcerated sister-in-law were well-known to him. “Is Ruby getting out soon?”
Ivan nodded. “They’re letting her out in January.”
“To a halfway house?”
“No, to our house.”
Alexei knew enough about the history between Erin and her sister to tread carefully. “You don’t sound happy about that.”
“I’m not.” Ivan pointed to the parallel bars, silently ordering him to finish the final exercise on the list. “But I can’t say no to Erin, not after I moved Ten into the house without asking her.” Even all these months later, Ivan winced with the memory of his mistake. “I really stepped deep in the shit on that one.”
Alexei agreed with a grunt as he raised and lowered his body using only his arms. Up. Down. Up. Down. He focused on the wall, keeping his rhythm steady and his pace measured. Keeping his voice low, he asked, “How is Erin doing after..?”
Ivan didn’t need him to finish that sentence. He had been away in Vegas with Sergei when their women had been attacked by cartel henchmen hell bent on avenging their overthrown boss. Artyom had taken a nasty gut shot and two to the shoulder to protect Erin. Other street soldiers had taken beatings and worse, especially the younger ones who hadn’t ever been in a street war. Roman and Danny wouldn’t be so easily overpowered the next time blood spilled in the streets.
“She’s fine.” Ivan’s clipped answer spoke volumes to Alexei. It was a response that told him to drop the issue. Arms crossed, Ivan watched him carefully, his keen eyes taking in Alexei’s form. “Looks good. Keep going.”