“Okay,” Brigs says in a stern voice, coming toward us. “It’s time for you to go,” he says to Melissa.
“Fuck you,” she says. “You’re just as bad as she is. So single-minded. Nothing else but her matters in your world. And nothing else but you matters in hers. You wormed your way into the toughest of hearts. Congratulations.” She looks between the both of us, stepping backward. “You guys deserve each other. Heartless and cruel and too good for the rest of the world. You realize what you did, right? That if you hadn’t fucking fallen for each other, two people would still be alive in this world.”
Brigs’ face turns red, his eyes becoming hard as iron. He points to the door. “Get the fuck out or I’m calling the bloody cops.”
“Call the cops, then,” Melissa says. “And I’m calling the school. You can’t fuck the students, Professor McGregor.”
“She is not my student,” he says through clenched teeth, the muscles in his neck standing out.
“I don’t think that will matter much when I report you,” she says. She looks at me, her expression suddenly becoming meek. “I told you, Natasha. I warned you. I said that if he ever looked at you, came after you, contacted you, I would end his career. And you believed me. That’s why you hid all of this from me.”
God, I feel like everything is slipping away. “That’s exactly why,” I plead. “So please, have a little compassion. I love him and he loves me.”
Her lip curls as she looks me up and down. “And what about me? What about the friend you cast aside, the one you keep lying to? Where’s the love for me?”
I stare at her, feeling so fucking helpless. I don’t know what she wants. Everything is spinning out of control, crazy. “Melissa. You’re the best friend I have.”
“Tell me you love me, then.”
My chin jerks back. “What?”
“Tell me you love me,” she says. “As a friend, as anything. Just tell me.”
But I can’t. Because I don’t. Not as a friend, not as anything else. Until this moment she was just a friend, a person in my life, but no one I had a deep attachment to. God, maybe she’s right. It’s just me in this world and no one else.
Except for Brigs.
“That’s right,” she goes on, eyes narrowing. “Because you don’t love anyone except yourself and him. Well, you’re both fucking perfect for each other. The two most selfish people on earth.” She turns around and starts to walk to the door.
Brigs reaches out and grabs her arm, glaring at her with a look that even makes me shrink in place. “If you fucking report me, I’ll end you.”
She stares right back at him for a few moments and then shakes her head, a sour smile on her thin lips. “You should have gone for me,” she says. “It would have been safer.”
Then she steps out into the hall and disappears. Brigs quickly shuts the door behind him, locking it, and runs his hand over his face. “Bloody hell,” he whispers, coming right over to me. He pulls me into an embrace, but I can barely move. I can’t believe what’s just happened.
“What the fuck,” I say. “I don’t…I don’t know what that was.”
“I guess now isn’t the time to tell you that she’s been blatantly hitting on me after class.”
“What?” I hiss, pushing him back. “She’s been what?”
My heart turns bitter, acidic. It adds to the panic.
He nods, looking away. “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to cause a rift. She’s been hitting on me. Completely inappropriate to the point of harassment.”
I’m wounded. I can’t breathe. “And you didn’t tell me?”
“I couldn’t,” he cries out. “I wanted to, Natasha. But I was thinking of you. You live with her. What would you have done if I had told you? You would have confronted her about it, and then what? We end up in this same scenario.” He growls in frustration, pressing his fist into his forehead. “Can’t you see? She wants everything that you have to the point that she’s bloody psychotic.”
Oh, I can see it now. I just don’t understand. I may be standoffish at times, I may be a hard person to know, and maybe I don’t let many people in…or maybe I let no one in. Maybe Brigs is the first person I’ve let see every part of me.
“Natasha,” he says to me in a hush, pulling me into him. “Don’t listen to anything she’s said. Don’t. She’s jealous of you and that’s it. Jealousy is almost as strong as love, and definitely as strong as hate. It warps people. It can take the nicest, gentlest human being and turn them into something weak and rancid. She’s bitter and she’s scared and she’s grasping at straws.”
“You’re making excuses for her.”
“No excuses,” he says, licking his lips. “Never that. I’m just trying to make sense of it, just as you are.”
“She’s going to report you,” I say. My voice won’t stop shaking.
“Maybe not,” he says with a sigh. “I think she just wants to be heard, that’s all. She still likes you. She’s just hurt and envious and it’s taking over. You need to go home and talk to her.”
“What? I can’t go back there,” I cry out. “Did you not hear what she said?”
“I know, but that’s where you live. I would go with you, but it will only make things worse. Listen, Natasha, you need to try to make things right for now, and hopefully she’ll respond to common sense. She wants you to be real with her and vulnerable, so be those things. Then start looking for somewhere else to live, right away. In fact, I’ll help you.”
“I could live here,” I say quietly.
He winces, trying to smile. “I wish you could, darling, I really wish you could. But right now, with her watching us, I don’t think we can. I know you’re not my student, but I really have to make sure that neither of us will get in any trouble. But I’ll help you, and if it costs more, I will pay for it. I don’t care. You just can’t stay there with her anymore.”
I nod. “I know, I know.” I turn away from him, knots in my chest. One moment everything was perfect, the next it’s blowing up in my face. The last thing I want is for Brigs to lose his job. He can’t lose anything else on account of me, I won’t let it happen. Fucking Melissa has the whole fucking world in the palm of her hand right now.
“Okay,” I say, sighing. My heart feels like lead. “I’ll go.” I quickly put on my own shirt and grab my stuff. My stomach churns and churns and I’ve never felt so nervous, as if I’m actually going into battle.
Brigs suddenly cups my face in his hands, his eyes roaming all over me like a wild horse. “I love you,” he whispers. “And you love me. Don’t forget that.”
I swallow thickly. “I won’t.”
I can’t.
I’m out the door.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Brigs
I’m pacing the flat, curling and uncurling my hands into fists. Winter is lying on the floor, staring at me. For once he’s completely still, his head down, his eyes following my every movement as I go back and forth.
I don’t know what’s going on with Natasha. I texted her, phoned her, emailed her. It’s been a few hours since she left to go back to her flat and confront Melissa, and I’m worried sick.
I should have seen this coming. I’m a bloody idiot is what I am.
I knew that Melissa was up to something, but my god damn ego didn’t realize how duplicitous she was. I thought maybe she was just jealous of Natasha and wanted what she couldn’t have. I never thought it could come to this, that she would turn to stalking us, threatening us. I should have figured that out but I didn’t and now we’re paying for it.
I can only hope that Natasha can talk some sense into her. I know I can’t, even though I’m willing to try. If things don’t go well, I’ll call Melissa into my office after class and try to reason with her. I’m not above bribing her. If she wants perfect grades and to never show up to my class again, I’ll give her that. It goes against every moral principle I have about being a teacher but Natasha – and my job – is more impor
tant than that. I’ll do anything to make this whole thing go away.
But I guess the real problem is that we still wouldn’t be out of the woods. We’re still hiding ourselves away from the public, because of what could happen if the school finds out. What I need to do is fix that from the inside. Make sure we’re safe, that we can be together, whether someone like Melissa tries to ruin it for us or someone else. I should have done that from the beginning, but love plays you like the ultimate fool. Love is a trickster, a joker, and the master of the sleight of hand. She makes you look one way, and only one way, while she makes the rest of the world disappear. Eventually you’ll raise your head from the one you love, look around and wonder what the fuck just happened.
I continue pacing, until Winter starts looking anxious and then I take him for a walk, texting Natasha repeatedly.
Are you okay?
I love you.
Did you talk to Melissa?
What is happening?
Please talk to me.
Natasha, please, I’m so fucking worried.
And nothing. No response. I contemplate going to her flat, but even if I knew where it was, I have a feeling my presence would only make things worse.
This is hell. And I’ve been in hell before, so I know.
I don’t know how I go to sleep that night. I write her a few more emails, bordering on becoming stalkerish myself. I check her Facebook but she never uses it anyway. My calls go straight to voice mail.
I know something is terribly wrong.
The next morning I have no choice but to get to school early and plant myself outside of Professor Irving’s class in hopes of seeing her.
“McGregor,” Irving says to me, looking me up and down. “Trying to learn a few things? I would be more than happy if you joined my class.”
“I’m looking for a student,” I tell him mildly.
“Oh,” he says as the students file into the lecture theatre, giving us curious looks, wondering what I’m doing there. They’re all undergrads but I know Natasha is a TA for this class. “What student?”
“One of your TAs, Natasha Trudeau.”
He nods, squinting at me. “She’s rather bright but hasn’t been paying much attention lately. A shame, really. She could do well if she applied herself.”
Applied herself. I hate that fucking teacher speak and it’s something I try my best not to say to students. But the reminder itself is good, because it reminds me that there is so much more going on in our world than just our relationship. There’s a chance that Melissa could mess things up for Natasha too, just when she’s gotten her life back.
He pauses. “Is Miss Trudeau one of your students?”
“No,” I say and I don’t offer any more than that.
“Very well then,” he says, thankfully not pressing the issue. He heads inside the theatre. “But she’s often late, just so you know.”
He’s right about that. She’s so late that she doesn’t even show up at all, even as I wait nearly the entire class. Now I’m worried as fucking hell.
I head back to my office, trying to plan what to do next, my head down, my brain sorting through all the possibilities.
Then I look up. And I see her, standing outside my office door.
I start running down the hall, like if I don’t catch her in time, she’ll disappear.
Don’t let her become a ghost again.
“Natasha,” I croak and up close now I can see her red, puffy eyes, her raw nose. She looks ravaged, like she hasn’t slept in months. “What happened? I’ve been trying to call, texting, emailing you. I’ve been worried sick.”
“I know,” she says, pained.
I reach out to touch her face but she flinches away from me.
“Don’t,” she whispers. She pulls away and nods at the door. “I need to talk to you in there.”
I swallow hard. My chest grows heavier.
We go inside my office and I lock the door behind us. I immediately pull her into my arms, holding her tight to me. “Fuck. Tell me what happened.”
She hesitates and then puts her arms around my waist, leaning her cheek against my chest. I can feel her heart beating against me, wild and crazed.
She takes in a deep, shaking breath. “We have to end it, Brigs.”
Unease floods my chest.
“End what? What are you talking about?”
She sniffs and pulls back to look up at me. Her sweet face is torn with anguish, eyes brimming with tears “I tried to talk to her. I really did. She’s…she’s on a power trip. She’s just…she wants me to suffer, Brigs. She thinks it’s all about what’s fair in the world. She says what we are isn’t right…”
“Natasha,” I say sharply, holding her tight. “You’re smart enough to know what’s right and wrong. What we are is right. You know that.”
“I know,” she says softly, a tear spilling down. “I know she’s wrong but it’s what she believes. She says I have to choose – I can either break up with you and be miserable like she is or I can stay with you and she’ll make sure you lose your job.”
I can’t even comprehend this. The only thing I can comprehend is the amount of dread filling me, thick, heavy and sour. “That’s ridiculous. Why? Why?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know, she’s crazy. She’s…a…a…cunt. A cuntosaurus.”
I would normally laugh at that but there’s absolutely nothing funny about what Natasha is saying. “Listen to me,” I tell her. “If she won’t listen to reason, fine. But I’m not letting you go. That’s not an option.”
“Is losing your job an option?” she pleads.
“I won’t lose my job.”
“She said she’ll make sure of it.”
“Then I’ll fight it,” I tell her, getting angry.
“She’ll make sure you lose.”
“Then I’ll resign,” I say without even a thought. “I’ll quit the school before she can do anything.”
“You can’t do that!”
“I can and I will,” I tell her, peering into her eyes, trying to get her to understand. “It’s a job and it’s my career and I love it. I’ve worked hard for it. But in the end, it’s not who I am. It’s just a job and I can always get another one. You, on the other hand, there is no other you. My job doesn’t define me but you do, Natasha. Your heart defines mine.”
The tears are rolling down her cheek now and I try to kiss them away. She turns her head, shaking it.
“I can’t let you do that. I would rather quit school first.”
“No,” I say to her harshly. “You are not doing that. Think realistically here.”
“I am!” she cries out, pulling out of my arms. “We have to break up.”
A chill rushes over me in a sickening rush. “Natasha,” I warn her.
“I’m being realistic,” she says. “I’m trying to not be selfish for once in my life.”
“You’re just being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn,” I tell her.
“Fuck you,” she sneers. I flinch. It’s like a slap in the face. “Do you think I have an option here? Do you think I want this? Please, Brigs, you have to know me by now that I’m not being stubborn. This is the only way.”
But it isn’t, it isn’t.
“I’m resigning,” I tell her simply. “That’s all there is to it.”
I don’t even panic at the thought. It feels right, just as she feels right. It will be hard and I’m sure I’ll get a lot of hell for it. People won’t understand. It might make getting a new job harder but I will do it for her. At the very least, it will end the sneaking around. We can be together as we should. Free, for once in our lives.
“You’re not resigning,” she says, her voice becoming hard. Her eyes are dark and gleaming. “I won’t let you. And I won’t have that guilt on my head. I’ve had too much already. You’re keeping your job.”
“But then I’m losing you. How is that not going to fucking kill me?!” I yell. My face is burning, lungs so bloody tight.
> “It’s the right thing,” she cries out. “And it’s the only thing. I’m sorry.”
I blink at her. Unbelievable. I honestly can’t believe this is happening.
“Natasha. Please. You’ll ruin me. Don’t do this,” I say softly, voice breaking in desperation. I grab her hand, squeezing it, trying to make her see. “Don’t end this. It isn’t fair.”
She watches me and I watch her and she’s being ripped apart just as I am. “I know it isn’t fair, Brigs. None of this is fair. But I’ve already caused you to lose everything good in your life. I’m not going to do it again.”
“But you’re everything good.” My jaw is clenches, my skin inflamed, trying to hold it together.
“Yeah, well,” she says, pulling out of my grasp. “Maybe I’m not.”
I would murder Melissa with my bare hands if I could. The thoughts she’s put in her head. She’s starting to actually believe it.
“Don’t go,” I tell her. I want to drop to my knees to get her to stay.
“I’m sorry,” she sobs, turning from me, angrily wiping away her tears. “I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t do this. I can’t go through this again.”
“Then don’t go,” I repeat. “Please just fucking stay here and love me.”
She looks over her shoulder at me. “I do love you, Brigs. I do, I really do. I love you more than anything. That’s why I have to do this.”
I close my eyes, breathing in sharply through my nose.
“You don’t have to do this,” I whisper, my nails digging into my palm. Everything in my chest seems to tense and shatter. “Please, please don’t do this to me. I am glass and in your hands and I am breaking. Can’t you see that?”
I finally open my eyes, hoping to see something in her has changed. Whether she chooses to be stubborn or not, the fact remains that she is.