But it wasn't Captain Abberley. Instead a long, insectoid
face with v-shaped mouth parts, a set of sunglasses with
eight lenses and a scarlet Mohawk put its head out of the
wheelhouse and waved at the Doctor. 'Good to see you,
Doctor. Too-woo-da-whooo. How's life treating you?'
'Good enough, thanks, More-than-It. All well, I hope?'
'Never better, Doctor. I heard you were looking to score
the arrer today and do a bit of jiggery-pokery for us.'
'Hoping. Young It, we've the rest of our game to play.'
'You're safe enough at the centre for the time being, if you
don't mind over-vivid colours. They make my eyes ache, you
know.'
'Do your best, pardner. And spread the word, if you don't
mind. I was hoping Captain A and the Bubbly Boys would
have something for me.'
'Aha,' sang More-than-It. 'That might explain the battle.
Good luck, Doctor!'
The paddle-wheeler steamed off through the sky.
'Let's keep this game going!' Sum'in, the Cairene Dodger,
was impatient. 'It's too tight to tell and it's getting on my
nerves.'
The two captains conferred and agreed to play on. Their
shadows were long against the backdrop of constantly
shimmering stars and planets clustered around them. The
dome of the great sky was like a richly decorated brocade,
impossibly thick with multicoloured stars. Although encircled
by such a variety of spheres in all directions, a sense of calm
pervaded both the pitch and the village. They were playing
for the existence of Creation, playing out a ritual which, by
its very formality, might restore the worlds and the galaxies
they knew.
As the minutes passed, the space immediately around
them cleared and the Second Aether manifested itself again,
an intense wash of thick yellow that was Mustard Beach.
And hanging in this background were all manner of vessels
from galleons to old-fashioned rocket ships, from coracles
to torpedo boats, yachts, submarines, a Lancaster bomber,
which indicated that Wing Commander Heidegger and his
friends had come to check out what was going on.
'Have they come to watch the game?' Amy asked the
Doctor.
'Oh yes,' he said. 'They love a good whackit match. Huge
sums change hands when they bet on them.'
She marvelled at the jewelled skies.
'Pretty, isn't it?' said the Doctor. 'The weird thing about
the Second Aether is the atmosphere. Because so much is
reversed here, any planet you find in the Second Aether will
not naturally have any atmosphere at all. The air we breathe
is in the space between the worlds. Miggea's a bit of an
exception because of the terraforming which went on before
they realised what the star and its planets really were. But
you can still travel about in the Second Aether as if it were
water and breathe it as if it were air while if you landed on
an untreated planet you'd need a spacesuit or you'd burst
and die.'
'How did all these people get here in the first place?'
'They were bom here, I suppose you'd say. Pretty much
every species in the multiverse lives here. From preference,
obviously.'
'And Lady Peggy, the Invisible Thief? Is she from round
here?'
'I'm not sure. She's here most of the time, but she isn't
much liked because of her thieving. She can't help herself.
Anything she spots that can turn a penny she'll have it.'
'But how did she get to Peers™ and pinch the hat the first
time?'
'She didn't. Someone else nicked it first. We got that one
back on Peers™. We keep experiencing these nasty little time
shifts. When Lady Peggy pinched it the second time she'd
come aboard with Frank/Freddie Force and his Antimatter
Men. Invisible, of course. He left her behind with us when he
returned to their ship. She stole the hat but was forced to keep
on wearing the hideous thing so it would stay invisible, too.
Couldn't have done much for her morale. I think this had to
be the rendezvous where she was supposed to hand over the
hat to Frank/Freddie. But Mr Banning-Cannon caught her
first. I was hoping Captain Abberley and the Bubbly Boys
would have arrived by now.'
He looked up at all the different and strange varieties of
ships hanging in the Second Aether. He was reminded of cars
at a drive-in cinema getting ready for the Big Show. 'Frank/
Freddie is playing a dangerous game. Even in the Second
Aether he is still unsafe, not impervious. He could implode at
any minute, and here he wouldn't even have the satisfaction
of taking others with him. He wants the Roogalator, and
somehow connects it with the hat. But the hat also contained
something else and the person who took it had entirely
different ambitions.'
'Who's that?'
'Well, remember the smell left behind in Lockesley Hall
that first night?'
'Yes! Burnt sea water—perfume...'
'That's right. Well, one's the smell of...'
'HOWZAT!!!'
A fine bit of fielding from a Judoon and a centaur in wotsit,
and another Visitor dragged herself off the field looking
miserable.
'The Bubbly Boys were crucial to the search for the hat
because for some reason, probably to do with their being
bom in the Second Aether, they can see the invisible when
others can't.'
Amy looked a bit smug. 'I worked that out.'
'And very clever you were, too. Oh! Well played that
Judoon!'
And so the game continued. 210 for 8 on the Visitors'
board at lunchtime and 198 for 6 on the Gentlemen's. It could
go either way.
Chapter 25
Doctor Whack
THE DOCTOR FOUND HIMSELF with his bow strung and his first twelve
arrows in the quiver ready to go in to shoot with a Judoon at
the other end. Amy was in field again and Jane was in wotsit.
Although the Doctor conducted himself well, with arrow after
arrow sent down to the Visitors' whackers with never-ending
skill, he could not score more than the odd wotsit. But by the
time the Doctor was caught ABW, in the fourth innings, he
felt he had done his best, even though his best hadn't been
quite good enough. Amy was looking pretty exhausted and
Flapper was a little grim around the gills. Happily, lunch was
called and the players stumbled in to the pavilion.
'I'm sorry, Bingo,' the Doctor said as he climbed wearily
up the steps.
'Not a bit, old man, what? You've broken their run. All we
have to do now is take up on the advantages you've left us!'
After lunch, Bingo put himself in bow and Grace at wotsit,
a pretty good bit of strategy with only a few hours to go. They
turned out to be a decidedly dynamic duo. It was Bingo's
finest moment. And when he wasn't demonstrating some
superb bowmanship, W.G. Grace took over. The Visitors
never had a chance. They were stunned by Grace's amazing
skill. Arrow a
fter arrow slammed into the wotsits, leaving
them as little more than heaps of hay wrapped in a bit of
tattered material. The Visitors' captain put his best people
in, but it was hopeless. Grace's scores advanced relentlessly.
That ebony and ivory composite thrummed in victorious
voice.
Rather than stay to watch the inevitable, the Doctor took
Amy behind the pavilion where Captain Brian Abberley
met them sans the Bubbly Boys and his ship Now the Clouds
Have Meaning. 'What ho, Doctor! And good day to thee, lass.
Nicest bit of whackawotsit I've seen in many a year. We'll all
be there to see the finale. Was a time I wasn't so bad at the
Good Old Whack mesel'. Any road, tha'll have tha' cargo by
close of play, Doctor. Tha' knows t'trust us, 'appen.'
'I'll wait for you, captain. There's a lot depending on you
and the Boys.'
As they strolled back beneath that quaking, shimmering,
jewelled sky, the Doctor said to Amy: 'So was it you and
Captain Abberley who set up that trap for old Lady Peg?'
Amy looked smug. 'Mr Banning-Cannon caught her hat-
handed just after the Boys pinched her invisibility tiara.'
The Doctor began to laugh. 'She must have taken that hat
with her wherever she went. She was so sure the Roogalator
was in the hat and had promised it to Freddie/Frank for
a price. She was determined to get it. They met on Venice
shortly before the Paine arrived to take tribute. They'd found
out where the star map they were looking for was: in the
hands of an antiquarian who was able to carry it to the Paine
before they caught him. They needed to get to Ironface's
ship and persuade him to join forces with them to find the
Roogalator, once Frank/Freddie and Co were sure it wasn't
in the hat or on Venice. Lady Peggy still thought the hat
contained something of worth, but she wasn't sure what.
When Frank/Freddie went aboard the Paine, Lady Peggy
slipped in with them. When they left, they left her behind,
which is how she was able to get aboard the Gargantua with
Captain Cornelius. She came down to Flynn with us, too.
The last clue was when the bots counted an extra passenger
on the tender. She could be sensed but not seen. She hadn't
allowed for me working out who she was and how she'd been
the second person to pinch the hat. The Roogalator wasn't in
the hat, but something else was, giving it that basic spider
shape which originally scared Mr Banning-Cannon. That, of
course, was the—'
They turned the comer of the pavilion. Amy groaned loudly
when she saw the scoreboard. W.G. was out, admittedly for a
century and a half, but they had no other players of her class
left to put in. W.G. tramped desolately back to the pavilion.
Moodily, she handed her bow to Bingo as they passed on the
pavilion steps. 'Here, see if she brings you more luck than
she brought me.'
The Visitors were drawing ahead with a combination of
luck and good playing. Bingo looked harried as he graciously
accepted W.G.'s loan of her beautiful antique bow. He paused
as Amy and the Doctor came up. 'We're in a bit of a spot,
chums. I'm last archer in and we need to make a clear 75 to
have any chance of beating 'em. Wish me luck.'
Bingo began with a tremendous shot. It put Pom'ik'ik the
Aldebaran out for 27. Jill Jay went down next for 18, then
Pilliom Rekya was out for a turkey. The Doctor and Amy
left briefly to get a quick drink and some conversation in the
pavilion.
They came back to the game in time to see Bingo loose a
splendid shot straight into the Visitors' wotsit. Another score
from Flapper in wotsit took a tremendous automatic 10.
Even Mrs Banning-Cannon had emerged to show a far
keener interest in the game and was cheering heartily for the
Gentlemen. 'When it comes time to award the Arrow of Law,
I shall of course do my duty,' she declared, 'but I shall not be
amused if the Gentlemen lose.'
Bingo, aware how much depended on him, was shooting
like a demon. Wotsit after wotsit fell to his relentless arrows.
The bow loaned him by W.G. was in fact helping him to
perform a wizardry far above his usual fine archery. Twang,
thump. Twang, thump. Only occasionally now was Tarkus, a
four-armed tireless Thark whackiteer, able to deliver a hefty
thwack and keep the moment of defeat at bay.
Slowly the Gentlemen's score mounted, aided by some
fine catches and returns once Bingo had put in Amy and the
other best fielders.
But Bingo was tiring. The day was a warm one and the
heat was getting to the Earl of Sherwood. One arrow after
another found its target and then -
Lockesley to Tarkus. Tarkus whacked an easy 7. Pond, in
the far coaxings, leapt up and sideways to catch the deflected
arrow. Her hand closed around the shaft. She fitted it to her
bow, took steady aim and -
'Howzat!' She screamed her triumph as her arrow took
the wotsit at maximum score.
The umpire delivered the verdict:
'Three hundred and eighteeeee!'
And it was all over for the Visitors.
Between them, Bingo and Amy had saved the day.
The Visitors were the first to run up to their opponents
and congratulate them on one of the finest games ever to be
played anywhere.
From every side of the pitch, from spectators as well as
players, came wild cheering. The exultant cheering did not
stop. The bowmanship had been stunning; the wotsit defence
and fielding would not be bettered for many a year.
The Doctor had his hands deep in his pockets and was
lolloping about in that idiosyncratic way of his, whistling and
humming to himself, singing under his breath. 'We won the
cup / We won the sword / We won the staff / We won the word.
He looked expectantly up at the sky. The great star Miggea
was casting long shadows across the afternoon field and
glowing a deep, warm indigo.
Bots were setting up and decorating the banquet table,
while Mrs Banning-Cannon had disappeared into the pavilion
to emerge soon afterwards wearing a relatively small and
simple creation from Mr Toni Woni. She was so pleased with
their success she even allowed Flapper to run up to her and
kiss her. Hari Agincourt shook her hand vigorously. 'Well
done,' she said amiably and did not wince even a little as
Hari stepped back, his arm now defiantly around Flapper's
slender waist.
The underdogs had confounded the bookies.
'Just the sort of game we all love,' said the Doctor. 'I think
we'd better go and pick up the traditional prize, yes?' He
drew a deep breath of pleasure and advanced towards the
table whistling the same silly little repetitive tune.
He seemed as surprised as anyone when the sky behind
Mrs Banning-Cannon suddenly turned a lustrous pulsing
blue, so intense that she almost ducked away from it.
The Doctor stopped whistling. 'This is all right,
isn't it,
Amy?' He winked at her. Then he began to whistle a more
complicated tune. 'Know it? Duke Ellington. I saw him live
at the Apollo in - um...'
'So what's going on?' she demanded firmly.
'What would you call that colour?' He indicated the sky.
She suddenly understood. 'Oh!' she said. 'Indigo!'
'Bingo!' he said triumphantly. And laughed.
The baffled team captain turned to see who was calling
him. His head whirled round again as everyone else gasped.
He followed the Doctor's gaze.
Mrs Banning-Cannon grasped her husband's arm. 'Oh,
look, Urquart! He was right! The Doctor was right! Here's
my vault!'
A vision had appeared just above Mrs Banning-Cartnon's
head. About the size of a football, a round bright glittering
bucky ball buzzed and fluttered overhead. Everyone watched
in something approaching awe as slowly the ball moved
through the air and began to descend from above Mr and
Mrs B-C before coming to rest on the table.
'Is that all it is?' One of the Judoon sounded disappointed.
'What is it, ma'am? I thought we were playing for the Arrow
of Artemis, not the Ball of Bacchus.'
'So we are!' said the Doctor, stepping up to stand beside
Mrs Banning-Cannon. 'Very decent of you to agree to present
the prize, Mrs B-C, but first I think we can safely take this out
now.' He reached into the sparkling ball up to his elbow and
brought up what looked like a toy of some kind. 'Indigo!'
And on his palm, for all to see, stood a tiny TARDIS about
fifteen centimetres high, its little roof light flashing an intense
blue. The crowd watched intently as the Doctor bent and
placed it on the ground. 'There she is! Good hiding place,
don't you think?'
Amy could not remember a time when she'd been so
pleased to see it. 'But it's so tiny, Doctor! How?'
'Scale is determined by all sorts of factors in the multiverse,
remember?' He frowned. 'As long as you can get everything
to match up on the different planes, of course. But for now
here's the most important thing.' Picking it up, he reached
into the tiny TARDIS, this time feeling around inside, and
brought out an arrow measuring about two and a half metres
long. 'Look at that! Made of solid newtonium by the look
of it, the rarest metal in the multiverse, precisely because it
combines all metals in Creation, just as these jewels which
seem to be built into it combine all the other jewels in Creation.'