This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the writer’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
An Original Publication of Savage World Entertainment.
Copyright © 2004 by Bashan Savage
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever, except for use of quotes for review purposes. For information please contact:
[email protected] Printed in the U.S.A.
ISBN: 978-1-4661-8044-4
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S.A.W. Book 1 Chapter 1 (The Cutting Edge)
Welcome everybody and everyone. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, people of all ages and genders. This is S.A.W., Sensational American Wrestling, as we present The Cutting Edge, and we are live from Krupp, Washington in Grant’s county. Yes, we have sold out the Keyes Arena. I’m your host, Wil B. Creamin, who has all the ladies screaming and this is our first show ever! That’s right, every Tuesday we’ll have The Cutting Edge and on Fridays it will be The Final Cut, that’s right, two shows a week, twice the action, twice the satisfaction. Now, we’re going to a pre-recorded message from the owner and creator of S.A.W., Tex Rich.
“Welcome everyone. I’m the owner and creator of S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling, Tex Rich, that’s me. And I’m welcoming you to the most exciting and delighting, high flying and mesmerizing, incredible and amazing, simply put… Sensational! American Wrestling. Tonight, we will have title matches for most of the night, since all the titles are vacant. Now, I have some last minute details to iron out, so sit back if you are at home or stand up and cheer if you’re here. Thank you fans and back to you, Wil.”
Well, that was the plump president, the obese owner Tex Rich, but I’m not one to chew the fat. Well, you have it straight from the owner’s mouth, which not a lot escapes I might add, that we will have title matches all night long. Speaking of all night long, last night back at the hotel...
Oh, never mind. It’s time for the owner to come to the ring and announce the first title match of the night. The individuals he’s coming to the ring with are the Dollar Dollar Bills and Tex’s own two sons, Robert and Rick Rich. I was informed that I’m, well, we are supposed to call this group, Rich Inc, short for incorporated. Well, the owner has the mic, time to listen.
The crowd cheers the five individuals in the ring. Tex Rich, styling his big white cowboy hat, motions for the crowd to quiet down.
Once the crowd is at a quiet roar, Tex speaks, “Thank you for the great reception. I’m glad to have you all here witnessing my dream come true, the birth of S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling.”
The crowd cheers.
“Our first match of the night is going to be for the tag team championship of the world. Before the show started, all the team and individual wrestlers put their names or name, in a raffle. This way everyone would be gua-ran-damn-teed a fair and equal chance for themselves to get a fair shot at some gold, since I’m a fair and hard-working Texan who believes everyone should get a fair shot. Now, this will be for the world tag team titles.”
Hey, nobody let me enter my name in the raffle, that’s weak. Oh well, I wrestled a lot last night, if you know what I mean.
“So the first team is...” Tex tears open an envelope and pulls out a piece of paper. “...The Dollar Dollar Bills!”
The crowd cheers as the shocked DDB’s stand by Tex in the ring. “And their opponents are...”
Tex opens another envelope. “...Nobody!” The crowd erupts into boos as Tex hands the DDB’s the tag belts.
What? Talk about low down dirty tricks. They even tricked me and being a man of the world, I know all about low down dirty tricks. Like the one I saw last night outside my hotel...Oh, never mind. Man, I’m so disappointed with Tex’s little trick! I thought we would see a title match for sure. I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out Milla Vanilla was lip-synching. For crying out loud, if they were gonna hand out titles, they should have given me one. I would have been appreciative and most definitely would have finished celebrating by now. Look at these idiots, acting like they actually won the tag titles or something.
The Dollar Dollar Bills continue to celebrate in the ring; climbing the turnbuckles, hugging each other, high fives, and other antics, while the rest of Rich Inc stands around. Tex seems to be enjoying the scene while his sons seem unaffected by this display.
Man, this is ridiculous! How long can they celebrate for something they didn’t even win? Well, we are going backstage now, at least we don’t have to keep watching those two. Are those tears?! Come on, give it up guys.
“Hi I’m Mike Stopsign, welcoming you to The Cutting Edge, S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling and I’m standing here with Nathan “Unique” Taylor, who will be wrestling later tonight. So Nathan are you excited?”
“Please just call me Unique. And excited? I’m apprehensively overwrought, what about you?”
“Um...I’m doing pretty good. Well, tonight you’ll face Cashless Clayton, which means you might do double duty if your name is drawn for a title match. Do you feel up to it?”
“I’m elevated to a permanent level clashing with any perceivable plane!”
“What?”
“Simply put, I’m genial!”
“Okay...sure you are. Well, good luck and back to you Wil.”
What did he say? He’s a genital? Unique guy, I guess the name fits, kinda like mine, Wil B. Creamin, baby. Well, as Stopsign mentioned, some wrestlers do or did, however you look at it, face the chance of double duty, if they are already scheduled for a match. Anyone could have two matches, but only one for the title, I guess.
And that brings us to our first real match. Coming to the ring, hailing from Seattle and Cancun, the tag team that exemplifies the 80’s rock music attitude, a couple decades too late. The team of Rad Brad and Far Out Phil...the Rockstars!
Their opponents, teaming for the first time anywhere. First, the self-proclaimed backwoods hick...Charles Choker! And his partner tonight is the old, old, old, old school legend, who had been in the ring more times than the whole S.A.W. roster combined... Mikeal!
Was that really called for? Not like anyone knew that was their move because they have not even wrestled yet. And since when have moves been exclusive? Let’s hope t
hey don’t claim a chest slap too. Then they might start beating the hell out of most of the wrestlers here and some ladies backstage too.
The Brooklyn Bombers are seated at a table playing cards in the back hallway while they watch the show.
“I got wheels, mark us down for wheels. Nice shiny Daytons,” says Bruno.
Mikeal, who just finished his match starts to walk by them until they stand up. Bruno stands in Mikeal’s way.
“What do you want chump?” yells Bruno.
A nervous and thirsty Mikeal tells him, “I’m just going to get some water. That’s all.”
“Oh, you are huh? Just gonna walk up in our hood and get some water, huh?”
“Your hood? What’s ‘your hood’?” Mikeal asked because he has no idea what a “hood” is, besides being on a sweat shirt.
“Our hood is wherever we want it, sucka!”
“Yeah!” the other BB’s yell in unison.
“But I just want some water and that’s the only water fountain that works. Well, at least that I found...”
As Mikeal tries to explain his situation, Bruno flinches aggressively and Mikeal falls down. All three BB’s laugh as Mikeal gathers himself off the floor and then runs away down the hall.
That’s crazy! They were going to beat up that decrepit old man over some water? I could see that happening if it was over him trying to avoid water, if you know what I’m saying but for crying out loud. And their hood? Who told them they could set up their hood in the back of the arena anyways? If it wasn’t for this chronic microphone pinkie injury bothering me, I would go back there, maybe...and teach those guys a lesson. Now I mean maybe go back there but definitely teach those guys a lesson, yep, definitely teach them a lesson. Anyways, it’s time for a commercial break, but before that, I would like to announce the lucky winners who will be entered into the drawing to go VIP to our first ever P.P.V. to be named later. Those winners were drawn from the people in attendance. Later in the show, I will tell you viewers at home just how you can enter. Each show until the pay per view, one from home and one from the show will be entered. Two will win the whole sha-bang! Tonight, two will be drawn from the show to make up for the home viewer slot. Anyways, the winners are Danielle N. Moans and Lauren D. Childs. Hey two ladies winners, come on down to my booth. Oh la la. Well, time for commercial break and when we come back, we’ll be joined by Tex and Rich Inc and the drawing for the Americas championship title match. Keep your fingers crossed for no more tricks.
A lady is stocking a shelf of candy behind the checkout counter with her back to the store entrance as a man walks in. The man is wearing tight fitting Capri pants and a lavender button up shirt that’s tied in the front with a knot, with the top three buttons unbuttoned and no undershirt. This exposes his curly chest hairs.
The camera pans in on the woman’s rear.
“Oh girl, let me get some of that, baby.” says the man.
The woman is offended by what she thought he was referring to. She turns around to find him pointing toward her. She asks, “Excuse me?”
“Oh, some of that.”
She realizes he’s pointing at the box of candy on the shelf that she was stocking, “Oh, I’m sorry. These? Fruit Bootie Candies?”
“Yes girl, please give me a big tube.”
As she reaches over the small tubes, she asks “Which flavor?”
“Oh, I’ll take butterscotch.”
As she rings in the candy, she asks, “Are these any good? I never tried them before.”
“Oh child, once you go Fruit Booties, you’ll never want anything else.”
“That good, huh?”
“Yes. Each one has a gushy center that explodes in your mouth and in your hand if you are not careful.” The man winks.
She asked as she took his money, “Well, we only seem to always have butterscotch and vanilla, and I truly don’t care for either. What other flavors do they have?”
“Watermelon, strawberry, chocolate, grape and orange.”
“What about cherry or peach?”
“No, but those would be awful flavors anyways.”
“Oh well, I still might give them a shot.” She gives him his change.
“You should, it’ll be the best taste your mouth will ever experience.”
“Thanks.”
Tex and Rich Inc are all standing in the ring amidst boos. “I truly apologize for doing what I did earlier, but I did say I had some last minute details to iron out and it was getting the Dollar Dollar Bills, the best damn unsigned tag team in the world, signed here to S.A.W. So I had to promise them the belts. Trust me, they are that good, well worth it as you all will see very soon. Again, I apologize, but let’s keep this show going. Time for the names in the Americas title match.”
Tex rips open an envelope, “The first competitor is...Bobby Rich!”
The crowd erupts in boos.
“No, please, please hear me out! This is a shock to me. Just a coincidence, I swear. Now, we are going to have a championship match!”
Tex hastily opens another envelope, “And his opponent is...nobody! Here’s the belt, son.”
The stadium echoes with boos as he hands Bobby the championship belt. Bobby doesn’t seem as thrilled as Tex is. Bobby and Rick look at each other, then look away without a word.
Oh this is straight bull. If I knew they were gonna just be handing out the belts, I would’ve gotten in line a long time ago. C’mon, I’m good on the mat. The ladies say I can pull off several jackhammer-like moves, if you know what I mean. And what does this all mean for the fans who came here to see championship matches? And what about the wrestlers who are not even getting a fair chance? We shoulda knew something was up when Tex said “fair” four times in less than four seconds earlier. Well, I guess we are going backstage and maybe we’ll find out just how some of the wrestlers feel about this.
In his locker room, James “Boogie Down” Brown is talking into his mirror, with a mini monitor on the counter top. “Yo, this be strait ill to izzout. But yo I be chilled like a dilly-o, the peeps wanna se-zot a fresh funky show? Boogie bout to get on down, can I get down?” Then he exits the locker room.
What’d he just say? With Unique and BDB around, we might have to hire a translator. Well, I was told he’s on his way down to the ring.
Now that’s old school-new school funk there, and here comes the um...how do I put it? Well simply, it’s the white...James “Boogie Down” Brown!
BDB is in the ring and the crowd is loving him.
“Yo, yo, yo, waz be da haps my peeps?! Peepz in dah his-ouce wanna see Boogie Down hit the uptown train before da soul in the hole? If so give me a BDB, baby!”
The crowd chants “BDB”.
“Then hitz my muzak my jigga in da ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-back!”
Boogie Down starts dancing a mix between what looks like break dancing and techno.
The Brooklyn Bombers are dealing out cards, when Bruno notices BDB on the monitor dancing. “What in the..?!” Bruno can’t even finish his sentence as he watches BDB gyrate his hips. Bruno says, “Who is this fool making fun of our people? Let’s go kick his ass!”
The other 3 BB’s agree in unison “Yeah!” They all head to the ring.
Oh no! Get out of the ring, you dancing fool. Oh no! Here they come. If it wasn’t for all these cords and stuff that I’m hooked to I would...probably go help.
BDB didn’t see them coming because they attacked him from behind while he was dancing. After beating him down for awhile, Bruce and Bubba lifted him up and flung him toward Bruno who nails BDB with his finisher “The Decapitator” power clothesline. They give each other high fives before they leave the ring. BDB was left motionless in the r
ing.
Mikeal is laughing as he fills his container with water from the fountain that he was trying to use earlier. After he fills it to the top, he walks back past the table that the BB’s were playing cards at, dropping drops of water on the ground as he goes back to his locker room.
Those guys are some mean customers, very mean and I would hate to have been in Boogie Down’s shoes, or Mikeal’s shoes, that’s if they find out what Mikeal just did. Even though I do admire sneaky men, I’m sneaky when I have to, like when the man of the house gets home, and speaking of men getting home, I just got word that the Bombers have just made it backstage.
The BB’s are standing in front of their table celebrating what they did to Boogie Down Brown.
“Did you guys see that sucka’s head snap back?” asks Bruno.
“Yeah!” the others say in unison, with smiles on their faces.
As Bruno gathers the playing cards off the table, he notices the water drops on the ground, “What? Why that little, wrinkled, sneaky bastard! I think he came into our hood and stole some water. And after we warned him too!”
Bruno slams his fists on the table, “Let’s go teach this chump sucka something, Brooklyn Style!”
“Yeah!” said the other BB’s in unison.
Then remembering that two of the group members have a match, Bruno says, “Hey, Butch you come with me, you two have a match.”
Bruce and Bubba answer in unison, “Oh yeah!”
All the men walk off in their separate pairings.
Poor ol’ Mikeal. Well, we’ve had more action outside of matches than during them. Crazy. Well anyways, this showing of Tuesday night’s, The Cutting Edge, has been brought to you by F. L. E. D, Fetish Lap and Exotic Dancing. You tried the best, now time to try the rest, best wings in the west and ladies with three nipples per breast, only at F. L. E. D. Hold up! Is that a misprint? It’s gotta be. Three nipples on a breast? Has to be a misprint. I hope it’s a misprint.
Coming to the ring, in their first ever outing as a tag team, first coming straight from getting his working visa, the high flying and as quick as...Lightening! And his partner, the man who has more bounce to the, well forget the ounce, it’s to the pound, it’s the man, the mountain, it’s....Thunder!
And their opponents, hailing from the mean streets and coming from the meanest group out of Brooklyn, it’s Bruce, it’s Bubba, it’s the...Brooklyn Bombers!
Bruno and Butch walk out of Mikeal’s locker room. Mikeal is stuck, rear first, knocked out, inside a metal trash can. Bruno and Butch dust off their hands, proud of what they just did. Bruno says, “That’ll teach that sucka about crossing our path.”
Butch replies, “Yeah!”
Sad, sad, sad, how can two people or even like earlier four people, jump on one person? I mean I personally have taken on multiple people but that was different, it was always women and there was no fighting. Well, actually they did fight, over me, but that’s a long story, so let’s just get ready for our next match.
Coming to the ring, a man who fits his name, this very pierced and very tattooed man who knows more moves than he has piercing and tattoos, which says a lot. It’s...Nathan “Unique” Taylor!
And his opponent, coming to the ring. A man you will not only see in the ring here at
S.A.W. but probably will see him standing next to a freeway ramp near you, it’s the young and hungry, literally, it’s...Cashless Clayton!
Give Cashless a hand for a valiant try, while you’re at it, give the man a sandwich but don’t give him any money, we need to keep him away from the Wild Turkey. And speaking of turkeys, coming to the ring, again. For the quote, Heavyweight Championship Match, end quote. Yeah, that’s right fans, boo them, I am. I’ve known Tex for a while and this is a new all-time low for even him. Well, I apologize fans, but we have to go to the ring and see what the fat cat has to say.
Tex, the tag team champions the Dollar Dollar Bills, Bobby Rich the Americans champion, and Rick Rich are standing in the ring amidst big boos and small objects.
“Fans, please calm down and hear me out! I’m sorry about the two earlier tricks but I know you all came here to see a championship match and I’m about to give it to you!”
The crowd continues to boo.
“No, seriously fans, hear me out. I promised a championship match and I plan on delivering. After all, I am a hard working Texan, who believes in giving people a fair shot.”
He then tears open the envelope. DDB’s are trying to hold back their laughter. “The first person in this championship match is, oh my! It can’t be! What a shock! It’s my other son Rick”
The DDB’s burst out laughing.
Oh cut the crap already! Why didn’t he just name S.A.W., R.I.W., Rich Incorporated Wrestling?! This blows. Man, this really sucks. Hey, a joke. Blows, sucks, get it? Oh never mind.
As Tex tears open the next envelope, he can be heard saying, “Like I need to open it.” Tex can now barely contain his own laughter. “And his opponent is...”
Tex and Rich Inc, turn their collective attention to the ramp entrance, as a muscular bi-racial man emerges, with his long black hair in a ponytail. He’s sporting a goatee and a grin that could light up a pitch black room.
Hey, it’s the only man I know who gets more ladies than me, and that is a huge compliment. It’s DeMarco “The Stud” Jackson. Look at the fans go crazy! Maybe some know him from the other places he wrestled or maybe some want to know him just from looking at him now.
Still up by the ramp entrance, The Stud does some posing and flexing for the crowd. Once the crowd has quieted a little, the outraged Tex yells, “What are you doing here? I didn’t hire you, I didn’t hire anyone with more than three years of ring experience, well except Mikeal, but he doesn’t count. So, what in the hell are you doing here Stud?!”
The Stud replies, “Well, Tex, I’m here because you did hire me!”
Tex is speechless as The Stud continues, “You see Tex, when you signed a contract with Michael’s Pro Wrestling School, so that their best graduates and most promising students would come wrestle for S.A.W., you signed me too.”
“No, no, no! They didn’t have you on their roster!” yells Tex.
“I know, but the contract, well, I have it right here with me.” The Stud pulls out a piece of paper from his black slack pants, “And I quote, The best wrestlers who are attending or have graduated from Michael’s Pro Wrestling School. You see Tex, I graduated from there almost a decade ago!”
The crowd cheers and Tex is upset. Tex gains his composure, “That’s okay, that’s fine, but you’ll never see the belt and will be lucky if I give you any matches!”
“Tex, Tex, Tex, you’re so predictable. You see, I had a feeling you would try something like this little fiasco you’re doing, so I snuck this in.” The Stud pulls out another sheet of paper, “You see Tex, I stuck this in between the pages you signed and you didn’t even notice it. This here guarantees me a title shot, TONIGHT!”
Heck Yeah! Take that Tex! You go, Stud!
Tex is fuming, throws his white cowboy hat to the ground and stomps on it. “Fine! Damn you Stud! You want your shot
? Well, you got your shot but let’s see how well you do after Rich Inc rips you a new one. Go get him boys!”
As Rich Inc starts to exit the ring, The Stud says, “I might be handsome but I’m not dumb. I didn’t come alone.”
Never do I baby, never do I.
On cue, a tall and massive man, seven foot plus and easily 400 pounds, well built and intimidating looking, emerges from behind the same curtain that The Stud came through. He stands next to The Stud. The sight of this man makes members of Rich Inc stop before they even left the ring. The Stud says, “Tex, Rich Inc and fans, meet Crowd Control, my personal body guard.”
Tex tells Rich Inc. to go get them and they don’t move. Tex stomps his hat again. “Fine, you got your damn match!” Tex gives The Stud a dirty look, while The Stud does more poses
An elderly lady is in her kitchen feeding several cats. “Here you go Ginger, Buttons, Mittens, Pixie, Donna, April, and Fluffy. Hurry up and eat before Buttercup, Max, Tina, Ginger Two, Louise, Thelma, Spot, Two Fo, Butterscotch, and Kimmie come in.”
After she’s done putting the cat food in the dishes for her cats, she reaches into the cabinet to make herself dinner. She pulls out a box of tuna noodles mix and a can of cat food, which she has mistaken as tuna. Once she has the can open she realizes her mistake. “Darn, I opened this can of cat food by mistake.”
She looks into her cabinet and to her dismay, she only finds cat food left. “What?! I thought this was all tuna. Why do these cans have to look like tuna cans? And what am I to do now?”
“Has this ever happened to you? Mistaken one can for another? Do you have more cats than you have friends? Well, we here at Corporal Mills are proud to present our newest product created just for you, Cat Food Helpa.”
“Be honest, haven’t you always been a little jealous of the flavors that your cats have to choose from, like Ocean’s Blend or Salmon and Perch, while you’ve been stuck with the bland taste of tuna? I know I have.”
A man in a nice suit walks into a supermarket aisle and grabs a box of Cat Food Helpa off the shelf.
He says, “No wasted hours going between the cat food aisle and tuna aisle and back and forth. No more confusion between the cans, we helped eliminate that. Now you can worry about you and your cats at the same time and cooking a meal has never been so simple. Simply mix the cat food of your choice and the Cat Food Helpa in a pot, boil, then let the noodles set to suck up all the delicious flavors.”
He then walks into the woman’s house and puts the box he grabbed of the shelf earlier, on her counter. “The easiest way to feed you and your cats, Cat Food Helpa, available at your local grocery.”
Wow! Was that cool or what? The Stud surely surprised Tex, and did you see the size of that man? I’m used to women saying that about me, but man was he huge. Wait, that’s something else they say about me too, ha! Well, I’ve been told we have interviews set up with the two competitors in our first ever championship match. So, let’s go backstage to Cynthia Cash with Rich Inc, go give head, I mean go ahead Cynthia.
Cynthia is standing with Tex, who looks furious still. Rich Inc is also standing by.
“Jerk,” mumbles Cynthia before she starts the interview, “Anyways, so Rick.” She looks him over and smiles, “How do you feel about this Stud guy just showing up?”
Rick gets ready to speak and Tex grabs the mic out of the front of Rick’s face. “I’ll tell you how he feels, the same way I do. How does The Stud have the nerve to show up here? To ruin our plans, everything was going perfect until he showed up. Well, if he thinks he’ll leave with the title, he has another thing coming.”
Cynthia is looking Rick up and down while Tex continues, “Stud, you are truly mistaken if you think you are leaving here with my boy’s belt. But I have good news, you will get a little R&R once my boy gets his hands on you. Thanks Cynthia.”
He hands her the mic back. She looks at Rick and says, “Oh, you can just call me...Cyn.” Rick gives a slight smile and so do the DDB’s but Bobby and Tex don’t notice. They all head toward the ring.
Thanks for the interview, Rick. Anyways, hopefully in The Stud’s interview, we’ll get to hear The Stud talk. Take it away Stopsign.
Stopsign is standing with The Stud and Crowd Control. “Thanks Wil, and I too hope we do get more out of you Stud, than Cynthia got out of Rick.”
The Stud replies, “I guarantee you’ll get more from me inside and outside the ring than from Rick. Once I saw the roster, I knew what Tex was up to. His plan was to screw the fans, which The Stud just can’t have, cause I am a plan wrecker and the only place his son might look good is at an ugly dog contest.”
“Pretty harsh words, huh Stud?”
“Well, let‘s make it simple. Whether it’s Show’s Over or Light’s Out, The Stud will win the bout.”
The Stud and Crowd Control head toward the ring.
Now this is gonna be good. Rick is already in the ring with Tex and Rich Inc. at ringside.
And here comes The Stud. Men, hold your ladies, ladies hold your pearls. Listen to this crowd, it feels good to hear them cheer like this, especially after all the booing earlier. Crowd Control is walking around outside the ring and look at Rich Inc haul butt to get out of his way. Aw man, Rick had to attack The Stud during his poses.
Stud wins! Stud wins! Stud wins! Tex was tricking everyone the whole show and he looks to be the one tricked in the end. And with his mouth open, shocked like that, he might get tricked in his end if he’s not careful. Were Bobby and The Stud working together? What is Tex gonna do now? What a sensational finish to our first ever The Cutting Edge, presented by Sensational American Wrestling, and this is Wil B. Creamin, see you Friday at The Final Cut, Love ya and God Bless.
S.A.W. Book 1 Chapter 2 (The Final Cut)
Welcome fans of all ages, sexes, and persuasions. It’s me, Wil B. Creamin, the Caucasian persuasion who’s storming the nation. Welcoming you to S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling, as it proudly presents the premiere of its Friday night show, The Final Cut, live from the Okie-Doke Stadium here in Lambert, Oklahoma in Alfalfa County. If you missed our first ever show this past Tuesday, The Cutting Edge, you missed a sensational show. The owner and creator of S.A.W. Tex Rich, was having a field day handing out championship belts like free cheese to every member of his own personal clique, Rich Inc. That was until The Stud and Crowd Control stole the show and as Tex has ever since then been claiming, stole the Heavyweight title belt. Thanks to the help of Tex’s own son Bobby, nailing his own brother Rick Rich with the title belt. Talk about chaos and confusion. Before we get to the bottom of it all, let me announce the winners is this week’s drawing for all expense paid trip for two to our first ever pay-per-view, that’s name is still to be announced later. The winners are Nova Gyna and Harry Love. Congrats, and I know you will enjoy the pay per view, and to all the fans in TV land, thank you for tuning in with us t
oday.
Tex and Rich Inc, now minus Bobby, make their way to the ring. Once inside the ring, the Dollar Dollar Bills do a few poses, displaying their tag team championship belts. Rick shows no emotion like usual as he stands next to Tex, who is still visibly hot about Tuesday’s show.
“First Bobby, son. I know you are here, security told me, but we have not talked since the show. You haven’t answered your phone or even come by for our nightly dinner. This is not like you.” Tex pauses for a moment in an attempt to contain his frustration but it fails, “What in the world were you thinking boy? Get your ass out here now! I can’t believe you...”
Looks like today on Okra, that is her name right? Naw, I’m just kidding, I happen to like okra, especially in shrimp gumbo or any stew really, and from the look on Bobby’s face he’s been stewing about the events of last show just like Tex. Well, at first I was wondering if he was helping The Stud last week or just kinda slow and hit the wrong person. That was until he flew the bird at his dad. And now I’m convinced he’s not too stupid, he stopped at the top of the ramp instead of going down to the ring.
Bobby says, “What do you want, father?”
Tex, who’s still in the ring with the remaining members of Rich Inc. says, “What do I want? What I want to know is what were you thinking? Why did you ruin the plan? We had it all planned so perfect, son.”
Bobby fires back, “What was I thinking, father? What were you thinking when you planned on giving Rick the Heavyweight title and not me?!”
Tex’s look changes from anger to disbelief, “What? You cost us the world championship over that?”
“It’s not just that, father, but you can’t even answer that question can you? Can you?” Bobby is visibly the angrier of the two.
“Boy, we’ve discussed this all ready. No need to air this in public. I‘m sure the nice people here in Tulsa, Oklahoma don‘t want to hear all this.”
The crowd boos in response to Tex calling the city the wrong name.
“Father, this is Lambert, not Tulsa!”
“Well, whatever, close enough son.”
“Whatever is right, father! Whatever about me is what you mean! You just love that damn genetic drone more than your own son.”
Tex’s eyes tense up, “Boy, we can discuss all that later. Let’s sit down somewhere and talk about it.”
Bobby erupts, “No father! Not later but now! I’m tired of being second best. It has been that way since he first came. Throughout elementary and high school, at wrestling school, and now here! And the sad thing is he’s not even...”
Tex cuts him off, “Is that it? You think I don’t care about you as much as him? You cost us the belt and ruined our perfect plan simply out of jealousy? You think I don’t love you as much as Rick?”
Bobby stands silent.
“Is that what you think, son? Answer me!”
“Yes, father, that’s what I know.”
Tex shakes his head, “Boy, you done lost your mind. I will never love you less or more than Rick, you both are my boys, but I have an idea. You know the reason you didn’t get the heavyweight title is because you weren’t as far along as Rick, simply put. So, I’m gonna help bring you up to that level with something my daddy gave me and I shoulda given to you earlier but that’s my fault. Starting tonight, you will find out how much I love you and exactly what love is, tough love. Hope you have your gear here tonight. Now leave my ramp.”
Bobby flips his dad off then exits backstage.
What in the world was he gonna say before Tex cut him off? Rick’s not what? Man, this keeps getting more interesting. Like I said before, I’ve known this family for awhile and I know personally that they have some deep dark secrets but I didn’t know they had one involving Rick, what could it be? He never even talks. Well, it looks like Tex is not done yet, let’s go back to the ring.
“Now Stud, the final unsolved problem of the day is you, so get your butt out here. We got to talk about the last show in which you stole the belt from my son here. So get your carcass out here!
Wow, he always looks so sharp, even his body guard is dressed to impress, and while The Stud does his trademark poses for the fans, let me tell you about last night. You see, we got here as ready as can be, cause you know me, I’m down with O. P. P., especially in the place to be, with me, the Wil B. Anyways, they call down here the dirty south and man can, they get down and dirty, these four blonde girls in daisy dukes, right...
The Stud with Crowd Control standing next to him lifts his microphone, “I don’t know who whines more, you or your son Bobby. At least the good thing about Rick is he just accepts his beating like a good little boy should.”
Tex throws his white Stetson cowboy hat to the ground and Rick leans over the top ropes, motioning for The Stud to come on down.
Tex replies, “So, you think you’re funny, huh Stud? Well, you won’t be so funny once my son rips you a new one. We demand a rematch since you couldn’t win without help.”
The Stud laughs, “Without help? I can beat your son anytime or anyplace without help, but you see that’s exactly why I won’t give you a rematch because of all the help you tried to give Rick last time. I don’t feel like being tripped, kicked, punched, and everything else by your little Dork Inc.”
Tex paces back and forth in the ring contemplating. “Okay Stud, I got a deal. Since you’re so confident you can beat my son anytime, anywhere by yourself and I know you can’t. So then, how about this? A no disqualification match in which no one can be at ringside from Rich Inc, including myself and...neither can Crowd Control! So my son can rip you a new one. If either Rich Inc. or Crowd Control comes to the ring, the match ends and the offending party is suspended indefinitely.”
The Stud ponders, then says, “I accept and once I’m done ripping your son a new one, the true title reign of The Stud will have begun, now hit my...”
Tex interrupts him, “Hold up with all the music and stuff. Now that that’s all settled, we seem to still have one little issue left, which you Stud brought to my attention last week. You see your little sneaky trick with the contracts and stuff was quite clever, I have to give it to you. But you see, I decided to go back and check out who does and who doesn’t have a contract. Stud, you’re right, you do...but Crowd Control doesn’t!’
“He doesn’t need one, he’s my bodyguard, not a wrestler,” explains The Stud.
“See Stud, that’s where you are wrong. You might be handsome, let you tell it, but you are still stupid. This is my show, my federation, my S.A.W. and all chaperons are to be okayed by me personally. He wasn’t approved by me and he was at ringside without my permission. But with me being a hard-working honest Texan business man, I believe that everyone deserves a fair shot. So, if Crowd Control can prove his worth in the ring, then I give him a contract but if he can’t win the match that I’m offering, he doesn't deserve to be here. So, do you think your oversized guerrilla can win just one match?”
Crowd Control whispers in The Stud’s ear, then The Stud shouts, “Hell, yes!”
The crowd erupts with cheers.
“Good,” smiles Tex like he just struck oil again, “Then it’s scheduled. You Stud vs Rick in a no DQ match as the main event and our first match of the night will be Crowd Control...in a gauntlet match, versus four opponents. If he loses one fall he’s gone! Now hit my music!” Tex and Rich Inc enjoy themselves in the ring as The Stud and Crowd Control stand speechless.
Sorry about my mic cutting out in mid sentence. I guess that certain mics have priority over mine. Well anyways, can you believe it, Stud and Rick II already? On the Cutting Edge it was a great match last show. And now Crowd Control, not even a real wrestler, has to take on four people tonight. Kinda like the story I was gonna tell
you earlier but that involved me taking on four people at once. I think Crowd Control can do it, I hope he can. Well, that brings us to our first commercial break and when we get back, we’ll have the gauntlet match, which I’ll explain in more detail.
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Polish Cheeseburger huh? Never had one, sounds good though. Well, welcome back to the show and just in case none of you have heard of a gauntlet match, in this type of match, one man, which is gonna be Crowd Control, must take on a certain amount of individuals, in this match it will be four, one at a time. The next wrestler comes out if Crowd Control wins, once Crowd Control loses or beats all the competitors the match is over. Well his opponents, in order will be Charles Choker, Cashless Clayton, The Flying Jalapeno, and Mikeal.
Well, coming to the ring by himself, from parts unknown, height unknown, and weight unknown, but he’s huge! The man who’s simply known as...Crowd Control. Wait, I just heard we have a disturbance backstage, let’s go.
The Brooklyn Bombers are standing by a table, which they apparently were playing cards at. Charles Choker, also standing by their table that is partially blocking the hallway asks, “What do you guys mean I can’t walk through here? I’m on the way to the ring for a match.”
Bruno yells, “I think he has a problem hearing. This is our hood, fool, and no one just walks through our hood. Let’s help clear out his ears!”
“Yeah,” yells the other three Brooklyn Bombers.
The four Bombers together beat him up and toss him down the hallway toward the ring.
What are those idiots doing to this show? First poor ol’ Mikeal last week, now the redneck. Now he’s supposed to fight Crowd Control.
He’s still coming to the ring?! Now that’s a roughneck redneck there, but somebody has to do something about those idiots backstage before they seriously hurt somebody. They’re lucky I threw out my back last night, otherwise I...Ouch! That didn’t last long, one big choke slam, that almost sent Choker through the ring. Ouch!
Cashless Clayton runs into the same problem that Choker did and receives the same treatment.
Oh man, this is so messed up that it’s kinda funny, kinda like watching an arrogant skater fall right after boasting that he won’t fall. You laugh, but you know you shouldn’t.
Well it looks like Cashless is gonna make it to the ring also but he looks out on his feet, like he’s...wow, he fainted in the ring! Crowd Control rolled him over and pinned him with his boot while still standing. I bet Tex is hot backstage right now, and right now I guess we are going backstage.
The Flying Jalapeno gets a head full of steam and runs toward the table where the Brooklyn Bombers are playing cards. When the Bombers notice him he’s already leaped on the table and off the other side. “What the?!” exclaims a startled Bruno, “Man, this hood has gone to crap. Let’s go get something to eat.”
The other three in unison say, “Yeah!” They all walk off together.
That was a smart move by the Flying Jalapeno, they never saw him coming. He must have been watching his monitor in back to try that maneuver. Well, coming to the ring, well actually running to the ring, a man from...wait? The match is over! Talk about being a little too excited, he ran to the ring and ran into a big boot that almost took his head off. He’s lucky there isn’t jalapeno juice everywhere. Well, another standing pin fall. Oh, that’s gotta hurt. That was the easiest three matches I ever saw. Well, there’s only one person left, Mikeal, and at least we now know he can make it to the ring in one piece now.
Tex throws his cowboy hat to the ground and stomps it, “Who the hell were those guys?! Those idiots ruined everything!”
The DDB’S are trying not to laugh, when Big Tyme can’t resist the temptation, “You hired them right?”
Tex, not in a laughing mood, replies only with an evil glare at Big Tyme, which makes Big Shot start laughing, until he receives his share of the glare.
Rick taps Tex on the shoulder and points at the monitor’s scene.
Tex looks at the monitor, “You’re right! That is the third time they’ve played Mikeals’s music. Where is he?”
The DDB’s start laughing again at the disarray. Tex says, “I’m gonna get to the bottom of this and I’m gonna get this operation working the way it’s supposed to be.”
He turns to the laughing DDB’s “And since I promised the fans that Crowd Control was gonna fight four matches tonight and with Mikeal as a no-show, I gotta have to use a fill-in.”
Big Tyme asks, “Who you gonna find dumb enough to face him?”
Big Shot adds, “Yeah, who’s the unfortunate soul?”
Tex smiles, “Unfortunate....souls.” Realizing that he’s referring to them, their smiles disappear.
“You got to be joking” says Big Shot.
“Do I look like I’m joking?” Tex glares at them.
The DDB’s look at each other, shake their heads and exit the room.
That’s what they get. Oh this keeps getting better. Crowd Control has to face the World Tag Team champions, and what happened to Mikeal? I know he’s here, I saw him backstage.
Well coming to the ring, the tag team champions of the world, in their first ever match here at S.A.W., it’s Big Tyme Billy and Big Shot Bill, the Dollar Dollar Bills. This should be interesting, a 2 on 1 match. If Crowd Control wins, he’s in, if he lose, he’ll sing the blues.
As the DDB’s were heading up the ramp, they stopped midwa
y when the Rockstar’s music came on, and the Rockstars came out.
Far Out Phil says, “So you two dudes wanna claim a move that's yours but seem to be too scared to even wrestle, dude, what’s up with that?”
Rad Brad adds, “Yeah dude, what’s up with that?”
The DDB’s look at each other and laugh. Big Shot says, “Dude? What’s up dude?”
Big Tyme adds mockingly, “Yeah, like whatever is the problem dude?”
Phil says, “The problem is you two dudes are straight cowards. I mean look at you two.”
Brad says, “Yeah dude, you two can try to make fun of us here but we will make fun of you two in the ring any day, dude.”
Big Shot fires back, “You’re challenging us? You two buttrockers think you can beat the champs?!”
Big Tyme adds, “Well then you got another thing coming to ya, dude! You two don’t even deserve a title shot.”
Brad says, “We don’t deserve a shot? You two dingle berries only have belts cause they were handed to you.”
Phil says comically, “But dude, if you two are scared we understand, we just seen how you handle yourselves in the ring.”
The crowd erupts with laughter and the DDB’s are outraged.
Big Tyme says, “Okay, if you want a shot at our titles you got to prove yourselves, win your match against Thunder and Lightning and you’ll get your title shot.” Big Shot shakes his head in agreement.
Brad agrees, “Deal.”
Phil yells, “Then let’s rock!” They exit backstage.
Tex walks into Mikeal’s dressing room, finding hardily a sign that he was there. The only proof is the monitor is on, with a note attached to it playing the show and some wrestling gear scattered around. Tex reads the note, “Sorry. Family emergency. Had to run.” signed Mikeal.
Tex says, “What? Family emergency? He should have told me. I would have let him use a company limo.” As Tex turns to leave the room, he notices a window opened with what appears to be tied together towels and clothing. Tex inspects it and sees it’s a makeshift rope tied to the heater. He looks out the second story window, then back to the monitor. “Why that yellow-belly coward!” yells Tex.
Mikeal ran? That’s so funny. Reminds me of some B-rated black and white comedy like the Stooges. He tied together clothes just to escape the Brooklyn Bombers? Well I can’t really call him a coward cause I’ve jumped out of my share of bedroom windows to avoid angry men, so I feel for him but how is he gonna explain this to our boss Tex, who apparently has put two and two together. Poor ol’ Mikeal. Also, what about Crowd Control? Tex just lost his chance to get rid of one of his biggest and I mean literally biggest problems. I love this show!
Two very curiously flamboyant looking men in street clothes are in a back dressing room. One is pacing, the other is seated. The pacing one says, “Greg, this really sucks. Here we are again and still no match. I’m not feeling very gay right now.”
Greg replies, “Francis, don’t let anyone steal your sunshine, at least we are here and we will get our chance soon, I can just feel it.”
Francis says, “Yeah, maybe you’re right. I guess I can feel gay about getting a chance.”
A stagehand walks in but suddenly stops as if he was caught off guard by something. He asks, “Flaming Desire?....Oh I get it! You two, Flaming Desire huh?”
“Yes, what can we do for you?”
The stagehand reluctantly reaches toward them and hands them a note, “Here.”
Greg takes it and reads it as the stagehand hurriedly exits the room. “Now I’m not feeling very gay. How do we have a match in five minutes? We weren’t even on the card!”
Francis replies, “Don’t be mad, Greg. This is our chance. A chance to show the boss our assets.”
Greg says, “Yeah, I know but all our gear is out in the Miata.”
Francis answers frantically, “Well, let’s move our butts then.” They hurry out of the room.
O...K...I think I've seen everything now. Whoa! Talk about “Special” men. Well, I’m still excited to be here with you fans but still I’m not gay, to be here, let me tell ya. Whoa!
Well, you know what that means, it’s time for a match! Coming to the ring, weighing less than a grilled stuffed burrito, the high-flying Spanish lucador ...Lightning! And his tag team partner, a man who can eat easily a dozen grilled stuffed burritos. First, you saw the lightning, now you'll hear the...Thunder.
And their opponents, the tag team that stills have a poster of Cyndi Flauper in their dressing room, it’s Rad Brad and Far Out Phil...the Rockstars!
The DDB’s just helped the Rockstars win and you can tell they aren’t too happy about it. As Thunder and Lightning make their way up the ramp, you can tell Lightning is trying to apologize by his body language but I don’t think Thunder cares right now. So now the Rockstars will get a shot at the Dollar Dollar Bills tag team titles. So, finally we are gonna get to see what the DDB’S got. All this exciting and sensational entertainment is being brought to you by Samurai Contraceptives and their new titanium Buckler, the form fitting ultra thin titanium diaphragm. Remember Samurai is the company that cares about your sword.
Well it’s time for another tag team match. First coming to the ring, the odd, the weird, the deranged, it’s...Eli the Strange, and his partner, sporting a mini afro and business dress suit, a man you might have seen in your local public bathroom handing out mints it’s...Mr. Benskin.
Well at least they have interesting music. Coming to the ring is the team that I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole or let touch me with any pole. It’s the team of Francis A. Gaines and Gregory A. Young...Flaming Desire.
Wow that was a one sided match, Mr. Benskin and Eli the Strange got their butts handed to them. Yuck! Bad visual, very bad visual. I meant but with one “ T”. You can’t take nothing away from Flaming Desire, they performed solidly. If their appearance seems...questionable, their skills aren’t or maybe Benskin and Eli were just that bad, the jury is out. Speaking of being out. Our own Simon Tucker is out back with Tex Rich, the owner and creator of S.A.W. for an interview. Take it away Simon.
Tex and Rich Inc are standing by apparently waiting on someone and Simon is nowhere to be found.
“Where the heck is he?!” asks a frustrated Tex.
“Probably just...hanging out, somewhere,” says Big Shot.
“Or on the can,” adds Big Tyme. The DDB’s laughter is interrupted momentarily when Simon hastily shows up for the interview, but their laughter starts right back up when Simon drops all his papers and the mic.
Tex yells at Simon as he’s picking up his notes, “Where the heck were you? Don’t you understand that this show is live?!”
“Yes, Rex I know but...” Simon started to reply until he was cut off by Tex. The DDB’s are trying to control their laughter. “What did you just call me, boy?!” says Tex with veins tensed in his neck.
Simon gulps, then nervously look up at Tex, “Rex?”
The DDB’s burst out laughing, even
Rick cracks a smile. “Boy, my name is Tex! T E X Tex! Not Rex! I’m not named after a damn dog! Boy, I’m the one who signs your checks. Matter of fact, I’m too mad to conduct an interview now. Get out of my sight before I fire you!”
Simon scurries off, as the DDB’s fold over laughing until Tex looks at them furiously, even Rick stops smiling.
Rex? Come on Simon, in all my years of television and radio I never seen an interviewer show up late for a live interview or blow the interview so badly by saying the wrong name. I can understand Tex’s anger. I’ve called a few lovely ladies the wrong name before and man, talk about feeling a woman’s wrath. Oh well, when it comes to being with the real Wil ‘the Thrill’ they usually get over it pretty fast.
Well anyways, back to the in-ring action. Making his way to the ring the man with more soul than a cemetery it’s...James “Boogie Down “ Brown!
His opponent in this singles match, the man with more tattoos than all the inmates of your local prison, it’s...Nathan “Unique” Taylor! This match could be call the “Hooked on Phonics” Brawl with the way these two talk.
I thought they left to get something to eat? Damn you arena vendors! Naw, just joking, we need you beer vendors and you guys who stock the condom machines in the bathroom. Thank you guys. Hey, what’s up with the Brooklyn Bombers and why do they have such a problem with Boogie Down Brown? Actually, they seem to have a problem with everyone. Well, we are now heading backstage with an interview with Cynthia Cash and Rage, take it in the...oops I mean take it away Cynthia.
Cyn, standing by herself, says, “Wil, you’re such a jerk! Straight loser with a capital L. Well, anyways, it appears that Rage is not showing up for his interview and I don’t have a clue if he’s even in the building. We do know that he’s supposed to wrestle in a match against Raoul after the commercial break but he’s nowhere to be found.”
Raoul, who was heading down the hall, overheard his name and heads over toward Cynthia. “Hey my lady, what are you doing standing here looking so lonely.”
“Well, I was supposed to interview Rage but he’s a no-show.”
Raoul opens his wrestle robe, “Of course he’s a no-show. I’m his opponent and come on beautiful, just look at me.”
He points at his well-defined upper body, “Men fear me and ladies cheer me. I’m the sexiest man in S.A.W. “
Cyn says, “Well, I beg to differ. Rick is very hot.”
“First my lady, you don’t ever have to beg Raoul. Raoul the Latin Lover loves to please. Second, I’m easily the sexiest “R “ here and after you see me in action, you’ll want to see me in...action.” He gives her a suggestive wink and heads to the ring.
Yuck! Cynthia a lady? Please! The Kennedy Compound has her number on speed dial, how could anyone want action from her? If you get her action, you’ll end up with a ‘re-action’ that even doctors can’t explain. Yuck! Anyways, time for a commercial break and when we get back hopefully we’ll have a chance to see Rage and Raoul in a match. Man, first a no-show interviewer, than a no-show interviewee, crazy.
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Welcome back to Friday night’s Final Cut and we are gonna get right back into action. If I had a nickel for every time I said that. Oh well, time for a match.
Well coming to the ring, the self-proclaimed Latin Lover and self-proclaimed sexiest man in S.A.W. not counting me, of course, it’s...Raoul!
Wow, I like that music but all of S.A.W.’s music is good. Raoul’s opponent, the man with the temper, the man with no regard for interviews...and apparently for matches either, as he hasn’t came from backstage yet. Looks like Raoul might have been right and look at the grin on Raoul’s face. Wait, Rage just came from the crowd and Raoul doesn’t see him.
Crazy, crazy, crazy. Raoul didn’t even see him coming, that will probably be the quickest singles match in S.A.W. history forever! Raoul is upset. I don’t think any woman, after seeing him in action, will want some of his action. Come on man, 10 seconds? Nope, no ladies. Now that’s embarrassing and the crowd is getting on him, that doesn’t make matters better. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
A tall, slender woman is using the payphone in a backstage hallway, “Yeah girl you know Gaby’s got the gossip. Uh huh, yup, but hold up, let me tell you the scoop girlfriend. First, you know that guy who thinks he’s God gift to women. Uh huh, yeah him Mr. Quickie. Yeah. his real name is Paul not Raoul and he’s not even Latin, he’s from Jersey. For reals! Yup and remember how those two um...how do I put it? Yeah that’s a good way to put it, well at least they seem that way. Well anyways, remember how they were complaining about not getting a match? Well, girlfriend, there’s another tag team backstage crying because they still haven’t been on the show yet. Yes girl I said crying. For reals! Lastly, I heard that in two weeks, the lady wrestlers will debut. Yeah. Uh huh, I know more trashy, skimpy dressed women parading as wrestlers. Uh huh. Well anyways girlfriend, did you catch C. O. P. S. last night?
Tex is sitting in his office by himself when a lady walks in. She has her brunette hair in two sided ponytails and is dressed in street clothes.
“Tex, can I bother you for a second?” she asks.
“Yes darling and by the way what’s your name?” asks Tex.
“I’m Nat “The Thriller” Mc Miller and when do we women get to show our stuff?”
Tex smiles, “Well, you ladies get to show your stuff next week on the Final Cut but we still need you to travel with us to help promote the show.”
“Understood, thank you, boss,” says Nat. She walks out of his office.
“Boss? Polite girl,” says Tex.
Lady wrestlers? Hmm...I don’t know, I have mixed feelings about lady wrestlers. I mean, I don’t mind wrestling around with ladies myself but from my experiences, most lady wrestlers can’t wrestle at the same level as most men, so they sometimes seem to bring down the show’s atmosphere. Well, unless they are extreme eye candy, then they might just lift up, the attention for our male viewers. I know we have female viewers too but if their “attention” could be “lifted up” too, well that would scare me.
He already has his own music, wow. Well it’s time for Bobby’s tough love match. I wonder who his opponent is
. Well anyways, coming to the ring, the disgruntled son of the owner of the company. It’s the man that Tex called under-developed, it’s...Bobby Rich!
Whoa! That some trippy sounding music. Oh no! It is the man who has probably killed somebody. It’s the man who was suspended and sent home at the first show for hospitalizing a fellow wrestler for using his towel. It will be a truly tough match but don’t know about the love part, well it’s...KaBoom!
I heard about how temperamental this man was, but I couldn’t even begin to image he’s this far gone. No wonder he hasn’t won a match, ever! Always losing by pin fall or DQ. Why would anyone hire a guy like this? Why would anyone hire the Brooklyn Bombers either? Obviously, Tex didn’t do a good job of checking out the psych sheets on these guys. I can’t believe that Tex would willingly assign his son against a man of pure violent rage like him, but he did say tough love. Well, it’s time for the main event, now that they have started to cart Bobby off.
Well coming to the ring, minus Rich Inc, for this Heavyweight Championship bout. Tex’s other son, the lucky one not to feel his father’s wrath, it’s the quiet assassin...Rick Rich!