Trader, loathsome racist that he was, thought this was a great idea and laughed blatantly. Seventeen more little black children out there with no father figure. They would all grow up to be drug dealers, hanging out in long lines at the methadone clinics, and then end up in the penitentiary just like their daddy. One day, they would work in the mansion’s kitchen trying to figure out if crabs were dead or not and whether the First Lady would fire them, too—them being the nidgettes, not the crabs, Trader qualified silently, as all of this seeped into his mind like sewage.
Andy had rung the bell three times now as Pony watched through the wavy old glass. It was essential that a butler give the impression he was very busy and that the mansion was sprawling, requiring many moments to pass through gracious rooms and beneath sweeping archways en route to the entrance hall.
“Coming,” Pony said through cupped hands, to make his voice sound far away.
Andy knocked again, crisply rapping the heavy brass pineapple, which was the symbol of hospitality in Virginia. Pony walked briskly in place for a minute, working up a sweat and getting out of breath.
“Coming,” he said again, this time without cupped hands to make him sound closer.
He counted to ten and opened the door.
“I’m here to see the Crimms,” Andy said as he shook Pony’s hand, much to Pony’s surprise.
“Oh,” Pony replied, his mind going blank for an instant. This young man was polite and nice. He was trying to look Pony in the eye and Pony simply wasn’t accustomed to this and had to somehow get hold of himself and play his role. “And who may I tell them is here?”
Andy told him and instantly felt sorry for Pony. The poor man was run ragged by his job, and unappreciated.
“I like your jacket,” Andy said. “You must iron it all the time. Looks like it could stand up without you in it.” He meant this as a compliment.
“My wife works in the laundry downstairs near the kitchen. She irons it for me and is rather heavy-handed with the can of starch,” Pony proudly answered. “We never see each other unless I’m working because the rest of the time they got me in lockup.”
“That must be very hard.”
“It ain’t fair,” Pony admitted. “The last six governors, including Mr. Crimm three of those times, always promise to have my sentence commuted and then they get busy and never give it another thought. That’s the problem with term limitation, you ask me. All people do is worry about what’s next.”
Andy walked into the entrance hallways and Pony shut the door.
“Exactly,” Andy agreed. “The minute they get elected, they’re already thinking about what they’re going to do next because they have only four years, and half of them must be spent campaigning or going to job interviews.”
Pony nodded, feeling encouraged that someone at last understood what it was like to be assigned to the mansion. “You here to see the Crimm girls? ’Cause you sure don’t look like their type.”
“Not that I’m aware of,” Andy said, suddenly suspicious of the First Lady’s real motive for inviting him to the mansion.
Regina, too, was suspicious.
“These crabs are not dead!” she yelled. “One of them just looked at me. I just saw its eyes move. How could I possibly eat anything with eyes bugging out of their heads the way they do? It hurts my eyes to watch. You would think stuff would get in them all the time because of the way they stick out and don’t have lids.”
“It’s so they can hide in the sand and still see,” Trader explained to her. “There’s a reason for their eyes being periscopic like submarines.”
He deliberately alluded to submarines to mock the governor’s constitution behind his back. Trader was respectful to his prominent boss only when he had no choice, and it was his habit to abuse mansion staff and say whatever he wanted when Crimm wasn’t present or was unaware.
“Take them down to the river and let them go,” Regina ordered Chef Figgie. “The fish, as well. It’s looking at me, too. And take that damn hook out of its mouth first. You let it go with that hook in there, it will get caught on stuff and the poor thing will drown. I want ham biscuits with butter and mint jelly, you hear me? What happened to the rest of that pie we didn’t finish? The peanut butter pie?”
She ran tap water on the crabs and the fish, waking them up a little, as she loudly ordered people about.
“There’s a bucket in the corner,” she said. “The one they came in. Put them in it right now. And don’t you ever bring another crab or fish into this mansion. I’m sick of deer meat, too. How do you know the Indians don’t poison the deer first to pay us back? They drag this carcass up the steps, thinking we’re so lucky they give us gifts.”
“You’re not supposed to call them Indians, Miss Reginia. They’re Native Americans and it’s very thoughtful of them to bring us deer.” Chef Figgie was offended and not the least bit intimidated by her.
“Native Americans, huh?” Regina’s face darkened with rage. “Oh really? That’s the same thing as us calling your people Natives.”
“It most certainly isn’t.” Chef Figgie looked directly into Regina’s tiny, hard eyes, which reminded him of raisins imbedded in rising bread dough. “And if you ever refer to any of the mansion help as Natives, I’ll report you to the NAACP. I don’t care if you are the governor’s daughter.”
“Get these crabs out of there this minute!” Regina screamed. “Or they’re gonna die and smell.”
The crabs waved their claws in celebration as Chef Figgie gently lifted them and the trout out of the deep sink and set them in the bucket. He got wire cutters and snipped off the hook, sliding it free of the fish’s sore mouth.
Pony wasn’t so lucky. Nobody had ever let him off the hook for any reason. Oh, how he would love it if Chef Figgie would carry him down to the James River in a bucket and let him go. Pony watched the chef walk through the dining room, heading to a side door, water slopping out of the bucket as the crabs and fish talked to one another, making plans. Regina was close behind and stopped in her tracks when she saw Andy.
“We’re not having a light supper, after all,” she told him.
“Whatever,” Andy politely replied. “I think we need to hook me up with your father as soon as possible.”
“Are you making a tasteless pun because of the fish?” She scowled.
He didn’t know her well enough to make puns, and Regina had no doubt that this handsome man was not going to be nice to her. None of them were or ever would be.
Andy noticed the fish swimming inside the crowded bucket and realized he had misspoken. “I’m sorry. I didn’t see the trout until just this second. Otherwise, I never would have used the word hook in its presence. I meant no disrespect. It’s just that I sincerely hope I get a chance to speak to the governor tonight.”
“You can call me Regina.”
No, he couldn’t. Andy couldn’t possibly say that name without feeling very uncomfortable and embarrassed.
“Do you go by any other names?” he asked. “What about Reggie?”
“No one has ever called me Reggie.”
She was knocked off balance by his kind interest and had to steady herself against the polished mahogany bannister that curved out of sight, leading upstairs to the First Family’s private quarters, where this minute Maude Crimm was spraying her hair, unhappy with the reflection that was spraying its hair in the mirror.
She had been beautiful once. When Maude and Bedford had first spotted each other at the Fabergé Ball, she had been voluptuous but petite, with a bowed red mouth and expressive violet eyes. Maude was gazing into a showcase at a jeweled egg that had led to the Bolshevik Revolution and the mystery of Anastasia, when Bedford Crimm IV, a freshman state senator, had gallantly appeared at her side and stared through an old magnifying glass at the lovely shapes scarcely covered by her low-cut gown.
“My, can you imagine?” he said. “I’ve always wondered why an egg. Why not something else if you’re going to make things out of pr
ecious metals and priceless jewels?”
“What would you have chosen for a theme?” Maude coyly inquired.
She had fallen swiftly for Crimm and his inquiring mind, and it occurred to her that she had always taken the Fabergé collection for granted. All these years, and she had never questioned why.
“Most certainly I would not have chosen an egg,” Crimm replied in a rich, important voice that lilted with the rhythm of the Old South. “A Civil War theme, perhaps.” He considered. “Maybe cannons of rose gold or Confederate flags fashioned of platinum, rubies, diamonds, and sapphires—the very stones and metals you should have around your lovely tapered white neck.” He traced her throat with a stubby finger. “A long necklace with a huge diamond at the end that would disappear into your bosom.” He showed her. “And remain tucked out of sight to tickle you when you least expect it.”
“I’ve always wanted a big diamond,” Maude said, looking around rather nervously, hoping nobody in the crowded room was paying them any mind. “You look like you’re wearing a big diamond yourself,” she said, staring at the front of his tuxedo pants.
“The hope diamond.” He chuckled.
“Because you’re always hoping. I get it,” she said. “You know, I’m quite a collector, too, Senator Crimm.”
“You don’t say?”
“Oh yes. I happen to know a lot about magnifying glasses.” She continued to impress him. “Why, they go all the way back to the caves of Crete and there was once a Chinese emperor who used a topaz to look at the stars. That was thousands of years before the Baby Jesus was born, can you imagine? And I bet you didn’t know that Nero himself used to peer through an emerald when he watched the gladiators kill each other. I suppose so the sun didn’t hurt his eyes. So I think it’s very appropriate that you should have very special optic glasses, too, since you’re such an important, powerful man.”
“Why don’t we slip off to the men’s room and introduce ourselves to each other,” Crimm suggested.
“I could never!” Maude’s no was a yes, but Crimm would find out soon after their marriage that even a yes would be no when she was preoccupied with crown molding and cobwebs.
“The ladies’ room, then,” Crimm tried again.
Beautiful women had always ignored him before he went into politics. Now it was amazingly easy, and he felt he had been given a second chance. Having been born terribly short and homely with deteriorating eyes no longer mattered. Even the size of his diamond made little difference. It wasn’t like the old days at the Commonwealth Club, where all the up-and-coming males would sit around the swimming pool naked, making political decisions and discussing unfriendly takeovers.
“Not even half a carat,” Crimm remembered one of them whispering. Of course, voices carry across the water, and Crimm, who was sitting on the diving board, heard the tasteless remark.
“It’s the quality, not the size,” he replied. “And how hard it is.”
“All diamonds are hard,” said another man, who ran a Fortune 500 company that later relocated to Charlotte.
Crimm discovered in the ladies’ room that all diamonds are not hard. Maude’s birthmark had caused a bad result. Her bottom looked like she had sat in a puddle of ink. It was hideously stained, and Crimm was afraid to touch it.
“What happened?” he asked as he recoiled and tucked his diamond back into his trousers.
“Nothing happened,” Maude said from her position flat against the cold tile wall. “If the lights are out, you can’t even see it. Some people find it attractive.”
Maude flipped off the light and kissed him hungrily. She mined for his diamond until she could find it again. “Talk vulgar to me,” she whispered in the dark restroom. “No one ever has, and I’ve always wanted to hear lurid things about what people, especially men, want to do to me. Be careful, the wall is hard when you bang me up against it like that. No, don’t pull me down on the hard filthy floor instead. Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this in here. I’m going to have bruises.”
“We could go into one of the stalls.” Crimm could scarcely speak. “Then if people walk in, they won’t see us. If we make noise, we can cover it up by flushing the toilet repeatedly.”
Those amorous days had ended after the wedding. Bedford’s eyesight had continually disintegrated, and he had not laid a finger on Maude since Regina was conceived, despite the First Lady’s relentless efforts to look desirable, which was for the purpose of teasing and frustrating and camouflaging her true intention of no. Maude hadn’t fantasized about yes in a very long time, and as she thought about Andy Brazil, it entered her mind that maybe she should try yes again and mean it. After all, her husband was being so unfair about the trivets, and she spent all of her time these days relocating them throughout the mansion.
Maybe she should give the governor something important to worry about and keep that gorgeous Brazil boy for herself, she resentfully thought. The hell with her daughters. Maybe if Maude seduced Andy, she would feel better about herself and become sufficiently distracted to cut back on her shopping. She applied another coat of thick black mascara to enhance her violently violet eyes. She slashed vivid red lipstick around her mouth, patted on more blush, and frowned, to see how her Botox was holding up.
“Oh dear,” she said to the mirror when she detected a trace of movement in her forehead.
Her collagen was wearing thin, too, and she dreaded a return trip to the maxillary-facial surgeon. It had gotten to where she simply could not endure another needle stick without a heavy hit of Demerol, and for what? Nobody cared. Nobody appreciated her anymore. Maude unhooked her bra and worked her way out of it without taking off her blouse, a trick she had learned at Sweet Briar College.
“Well, that was a wasted effort,” she muttered to herself impatiently as her breasts migrated to her waist.
Sighing, she put her bra back on and changed into an attractive sheer cashmere sweater that had been several sizes too small even when she was much thinner.
“There,” she announced to the First Dog, Frisky, who was asleep on the bed inside the adjoining master suite. “You have to admit I look pretty damn good for seventy, don’t I?”
Frisky didn’t stir. He was a very old chocolate Lab and was tired of the First Lady’s talking to him endlessly. It had been going on for nine years, and Frisky believed the First Lady had looked pretty overblown from day one. Now she looked especially bad, with her frozen face and swollen lips, and he didn’t intend to open his eyes or interrupt his favorite dream of being a ball boy at Wimbledon. He silently prayed that the First Lady, for once, wouldn’t wake him up.
“Come, Frisky!” the First Lady called her sleeping dog as she tried unsuccessfully to snap her fingers.
Mrs. Crimm shimmered with body lotion and her fingers were slippery. “Come!” Her fingers snipped rather than snapped. “Let’s go down and greet our company.”
Seventeen
The blue crabs and the trout were about to have their luck change yet again.
Major Trader had volunteered to dump them in the river because he had his own secret, selfish agenda. He figured he could find someone fishing and sell the fresh seafood easily and for a pretty penny, and he was scouting for a good location for the drop-off of the waterproof suitcase full of cash that he expected to get from the pirates soon.
Right this minute, Trader was driving his state car, and the bucket was sloshing around in the trunk. Neither the crabs nor the trout could see a thing in the pitch dark, and they had an ominous feeling about the trip as Trader sped and jerked the car into curves and made sudden stops at lights.
“Jiminy Criminy, he must not got a GPS,” one crab said as it knocked into another one on the bottom of the bucket. “He’s lost. I can tell.”
“How?” said the trout as he floated above crabs clashing into one another with each hairpin turn and lurching start and stop. “I think he might have engine problems.”
“You ever been in a car afore?”
“Can’t
say I have,” the trout replied. “But I’ve seen them pull up to the dock, from a safe distance, when the watermen get out to fish. All their trucks and golf carts jump around and careen like this.”
The crabs tumbled to one side and landed in a pile.
“Ouch!” a crab complained. “That hurt! Get your claw outta my eye or you’re gonna catch it!”
“I’m hungry!”
“There’s neither rotted fish until we foller the water. Hold on!”
Trader drove over a curb and parked on the sidewalk, where Caesar Fender was fishing and not catching a thing.
“Hey! You just ran over my tackle box, you motherfucker!” Caesar yelled at the state car. “Who you think you are? I ain’t doing nothing. I don’t even have a car, so you got no right to pull over with your high beams on and run over my tackle box, like I was speeding or something!”
“I got fresh seafood fit for the governor,” Trader announced. “Sell it to you for fifty dollars. Bet you got a passel of hungry nidgettes at home. Bet they never had blue crabs before, and fresh trout.”
Caesar Fender was shocked by the big, fat white man’s slurs. “Just ’cause some black folks is short don’t mean they’re nidgettes,” he lashed back. “And you owe me two dollars for the tackle box and another seventy-five cents for all the hooks you bent and bobbers you busted. You step one foot closer and you’re gonna knock my can of worms in the water, and then I’m gonna kick your ass!”
“You lay a hand on me and I’ll have you arrested and sent to jail!” Trader threatened.
“Pay me what you owe for all my fishing tackle you ruined!”
“Watch your mouth. You’re talking to a very important government official,” Trader yelled back.
“I don’t give a flying fuck who you are!”
While the two men argued and bickered, the crabs quickly put together a plot to save themselves and the trout. “Play dead,” someone said.
Trader popped open the trunk and Caesar peered inside, angry but curious about the fresh seafood. The trout was belly-up with its eyes shut, and all the crabs were motionless, their eyes shut, too.