Chapter 3 – The Logo
All in all, I had to admit that the first month of my job had gone pretty well. The training was a nightmare, but that only took a few weeks and now I was on to “bigger and better things” as Larry had put it.
I was in the payroll services market group. That meant when people used a payroll company, sometimes that company would take care of their insurance and forward all of the audit information to us. I was picked for this honor because I had a background in payroll. They were supposed to be easy audits and for the most part they were, but it was the customers that sucked royally. As soon as I realized I was to be working with payroll companies, memories from my last job came flooding back.
These people were incapable of doing anything other than their trade; that’s why they paid payroll companies ridiculous amounts of money to do a simple task. Basically, they needed their hands held and didn’t have a clue how to fill out paperwork.
Our help staff compounded all of the problems with payroll services. Most of them were fine but the person that payroll services was assigned, Moleth, was a true nightmare. She was the female version of Milton from Office Space, but at least Milton was lovable in a way. It was to the point that when she came by my desk, I turned up my iPod and prayed that she went away.
Speaking of my iPod, now that I was listening to it all day long, I needed something new. I strolled over to Adrian’s cube. Our two work spaces couldn’t have been more different. Where mine looked relatively the same as it did the day that I started, Adrian’s was fully decorated and appeared to be feng shui’d. She had a bamboo plant that would die and be replaced every two weeks, so the living element was there. Then there were the pictures of family and friends: the family element. The computers ran hot here so that was the fire element, and there was a huge container of water, ergo the water element.
I wasn’t sure about what things were supposed to be elements in feng shui. My mom had a go at it for a while, but after the fire element serenely burned down part of the living room, the Littleton fire department put the kybosh on our inner peace.
Adrian didn’t seem to see me standing over her shoulder.
“Hey A,” I said.
She held up her hand. “Hold on, I’m in a good part.”
I waited for the good part to end, and after a moment she reluctantly paused her iPod. “What’s up?”
“I wanted to know what you listen to all day long. I need some new music.”
Her eyes lit up. “Books!”
“Books?”
“Yes, right now I’m listening to this amazing podcast novel I found on Podiobooks.com. It’s called Legon Awakening. It’s so good and the author’s voice—so hot,” she said breathless at the end.
I laughed. “Sounds like you’re in love.”
“Shut up; but he does have a sexy voice and the story is great. If you want, I can put it and a few other books on your iPod.”
“Yeah, that would be great.”
Manager-lady walked by telling everyone that they needed to go stand outside of Larry’s office for an impromptu meeting. I slowly started to Larry’s office like everyone else. These meetings usually meant that someone was getting some customer service award. I didn’t care. As we gathered outside his office, Larry was already waiting for us. He was smiling widely and holding a lurid green cowboy hat. He seemed to be growing impatient waiting for us, but it was a happy impatient; like a five year old on Christmas morning.
“Hello, hello, is everyone here?” he said peering around.
“Ok good. Well, today I have some great news. As some of you are aware in the recent merger Riders lost its logo. This logo has been the icon of the company for over one hundred years and is a symbol in the insurance industry. Sadly, before we could trademark it again, a bar in Austin purchased the rights. I’m sure you were all as hurt as I was when the news hit but we have been vindicated!”
We were talking about a logo? I couldn’t believe it. This had to be the biggest waste of time in corporate history.
“Well, we have been in talks with the bar for almost two years and I am proud to announce…” He placed the green hat on his head and raised his arms in triumph.
“We got it back!”
There was a cheer from the group and I looked around trying to figure out what the good news was. These people were actually happy about this. To my surprise, there was only a few who didn’t seem to care.
Star Wars chimed in. “So sir, tell us how we got it back?”
“That is a good question. It wasn’t cheap, but worth it. The Logo it self only set us back 400 million dollars and the company has popped for additional 30 million for all of you to get a hat of your own!” he said pointing to the stack of boxes in the corner of his office.
Larry was giggling with glee and I felt like I was in the twilight zone wondering when I crossed into crazy land. The company spent 400 million on a logo, and I couldn’t get a box of tissue? Oh, and I was not wearing the hat; there was no way.
When I arrived at work the next day, I was wearing the green shirt we all had been given to celebrate. Our office was going to be featured on the company’s home page. At high noon, we were all to put on our hat and stand outside. Then our building’s tenants would be arranged into the shape of the Riders’ cowboy hat in the parking lot. There were going to be photographers on site and we were supposed to turn in an essay about how happy we were about the return of the hat. As far as I was concerned, the world wasn’t turning anymore. To my relief Yoda, Ankle, Adrian, and I were all upset about it.
So was the other guy on my market group team. His name was Chester and the first time I met him I thought to myself, this has to be a joke; It wasn’t. Chester was what a pedophile should look like. Everyday, he wore khaki pants with a faded polo. His hair was short and sandy colored. He was a little over weight and always wore a tan windbreaker. He also wore prescription Oakley glasses which on a regular person would make them look good and en vogue. For Chester however, they seemed to add to the molester motif that he had going. It didn’t help that he ate lunch in the park with a bag of candy everyday either. I didn’t think he was a child molester but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him on “How to Catch a Predator.” In truth, most people would trust their kids with Michael Jackson before Chester.
Anyway, apparently the picture was going to be set in our parking lot. In the back of the building there was a single level parking garage. The top was level with the bottom floor of the building with one level below it. The pavement was painted in concrete grey. It was made of concrete but hey, why not paint it to give it that extra something.
As noon approached and we exited the building to assemble at our designated spots, I realized that I desperately wanted to transfer to claims. There was a rumor floating around the building that the claims manager only hired attractive women in that department. After some investigation, I discovered that this was an outright lie. They weren’t attractive—they were goddesses. It was highly unlikely that any of them could spell insurance, but who cared? Honestly, we made a lot of money and hot people needed jobs too, right? Rumor also had it that one was a former Broncos cheerleader. If that was just a rumor and one of them wasn’t a cheerleader, then they should be. To my great pleasure, claims was to stand next to audit and all of the guys from our department shuffled to be next to them. Well, all of the single guys did. The married ones just gave us dirty looks. Not that they thought we were pigs, but because they knew their wedding rings would put a quick stop to any flirting. I felt for married guys. Those rings were like giant neon sign that read, ”don’t talk to me home wrecker.”
Having the picture taken wasn’t as bad as I originally thought it was going to be. It was fast, too. Some prick stood on a wobbly ladder and pointed until we got it right. The claims girls seemed to light up when the pictures were taken and I imagined that most of the them probably wanted to be models…or maybe they were models. I decided to get to know the claim
s department a little better. I needed a partner. Chester was single; I mean he had a girlfriend but he still counted himself as single. At any rate, it would be nice to have a wingman when I went and talked to the claims girls.
The walk over was excruciating. It was only four feet but still. Chester was nervous too and I was happy he was there. I had to seem better than a child molester. The angels turned towards us and said hi with smiles that could have been considered weapons of mass destruction.
“Hi boys, what department are you from?”
“Audit,” Chester said.
“Oh, the Star Wars department with all those weird fans, right?”
Wait, we were in the what department? Oh no; they knew about Star Wars didn’t they. Of course they did; how could they not? He wore his Storm Trooper costume every time there was a convention in town. I had been warned about this!
I had to get us off this topic. “No, only one of us is into that. I mean, not one of us, but some other guy in our department.”
“Oh ok.” She seemed to say it with relief, then looked at Chester.
“I’ve seen you.”
Chester smiled at his perceived good fortune. “Yeah I eat lunch in the park a lot. You’ve probably seen me going over there.”
They all paused and I heard a ripple of “it’s that guy” float through the group. Ok, being with Chester was a bad call. Birds of a feather flock together, right? So now I was either a child molester or a Storm Trooper; what was it going to be?
“I like Star Wars,” I blurted out. Did I just drop that in conversation as if someone asked me? Yes, I did and I was nodding my head too!
The girls looked us both over with fake warmth on there faces. One scowled at Chester and the rest looked at me as if I was the Rain Man. I was still nodding; I couldn’t stop myself. My brain was stuck on “duh”.
“Ok well, we need to get back to work. You two have a good day and watch Star Wars for me, k?”
With those short words, the world stopped moving for the second time today.