She winced as he came off the sofa like a rocket, tumbling her backward on the couch. If he wasn’t so obviously upset, she would have laughed at the absurdity of it all. How many women had this type of conversation with the man they loved?
“Ava! What in the hell . . . ?”
Ava noticed that he was again using her full name. He tended to save that for when he was upset or pissed off. She had mostly been Avie to him for her whole life. It never failed to make her feel special when he used the nickname. On the downside, she also noticed immediately when he didn’t. “Mac . . . sit down and let me finish please before you go off the deep end.”
He ran his hand over the back of his head, in a gesture she knew meant he was beyond frustrated. “If I sit back down, are you going to tell me that I misunderstood what you just said? Because it sounded to me like you want me gone from your life. Is that about the gist of it?”
Taking his hand, Ava pulled him back down next to her, trying to swallow the lump in her throat at the hurt in his voice. “That’s not what I’m saying, Mac,” she tried to reassure him gently. “Most women don’t need a security detail unless they’re married to the president.” She knew exactly what he was going to say when he opened his mouth, so she put up a hand to stop him. “I know that Jason has someone watch his family. He’s a very rich and important man, who is also a tad OCD about the safety of his wife and daughter. Claire lets him do it because she knows he needs that even if she doesn’t. The difference is, Mac, that for years I was the one who needed it. When you started East Coast and added me to your rounds, I could sleep at night again. If I didn’t see one of your guys passing by my window, I was tied in a knot until they did. In a way, I was almost better off before you started watching over me. With the extra security, I got along well to avoid getting the help that I needed, even though I was still torn up inside. I was just so embarrassed at my weakness and inability to get over what happened to me that I was terrified for anyone else to know the real me.”
“Avie . . . ,” Mac groaned, sounding completely shattered. “It wouldn’t have mattered to me. Don’t you see that there wasn’t a side of you that I wouldn’t have loved? I needed to be there for you. I still do.”
“I know that and I do need you, Mac. What I’m trying to say, though, is that I need to be the person I was again before I became just a victim. I want to be the girl who had limitless dreams of the future, was never afraid of anything, and planned to marry the boy down the street who she’d loved since she was thirteen. Somewhere inside me, that girl still exists, and I want her back. In order for that to happen, I have to finally take control of my life, which includes dealing with my past and setting a course for my future. It’s going to be hard for me to let my safety net go, but I want to start living my life again. I need to regain the innocence of believing that I’ll never be hurt.”
Mac took her hand, seeming to struggle with his words before asking, “What do you need from me, baby? What can I do to give that back to you?”
Raising his hand to her lips, she kissed it gently before saying, “You can’t give it back, Mac, but you can help me find it. I know this is going to be hard for you, but I want us to step back for a couple of weeks. I’m going to get the name of Declan’s therapist and make an appointment. I want to spend the nights at my apartment alone, without any of your security detail checking on me . . . and I want to go out on dates with you that end with me on my doorstep with a good night kiss that keeps me up at night—in a good way. I want us to try to start the kind of relationship that we might have had if nothing had happened to me. I need this, Mac—I want to know if I can be normal without pretending to be. If this relationship is going to work, we have to be equals. I know you’re going to want to save and shield me from everything you can, and I love you for it, but I’ve got to save myself first.”
Ava wasn’t sure how long they sat there with Mac seeming to ponder her words before finally he squeezed her hand and said, “I’ll try, baby. Watching over you is what I do, but I understand what you’re saying and I’ll do my best to give you what you need even if it fucking kills me.” When she threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly, he whispered against her neck, “Does this mean no sex for two weeks either?” Laughter burst from her lips, until she was shaking against him. God, she loved this man. Even though she knew what she had asked was killing him inside, he managed to joke to make her feel better. He was now and would always be her gentle lion.
Chapter Twenty-one
Mac was pacing in his office restlessly when Dominic walked in. The other man had been out of town setting up security for another Oceanix location. The hotel chain was fast becoming one of their most profitable customers. It had been almost a week since he and Ava had had the talk, and they had gone on exactly two dates. The first was a late dinner, since they were swamped at work, and the second was dinner and a movie where they had made out like a couple of kids and missed most of the story. Both times, he had done as Ava requested and left her on the doorstep after a kiss that had them both panting.
He had pulled security from her apartment the next morning and had been a basket case, especially the first few nights. He’d gotten in his Tahoe more than once to go check on her himself, but her words had pulled him back. Doing as she asked had made one thing glaringly apparent—he didn’t know how to cut the cord and stop worrying over her safety. It had been ingrained in him for so long that it was the first thing on his mind in the morning and the last thing in the evening. It wasn’t that he didn’t think she was strong enough to take care of herself. His problem came from his fear of failing her again. Her safety had been his obsession for so long that he wasn’t sure how to have a normal relationship now even though he knew she needed that. She needed him to treat her as his equal and stop trying to layer her in bubble wrap every time she walked out the door. He just wasn’t sure how.
Now she and most of the upper management for Danvers were in Las Vegas at a big annual trade show. It was a testament to his resolve that he was still sitting here in Myrtle Beach while she was so far away. The only thing that gave him any comfort was the fact that Brant, Emma, and Declan were there as well as Jason, Claire, Gray, Suzy, Nick, and Beth. Ella had stayed behind since she’d had a baby so recently. Apparently, her sister Crystal was going through a divorce and was staying with Ella until Declan returned. If he knew the other man though, it was probably killing him to leave his new family.
“Well, you look all kinds of pissy today,” Dominic remarked as he dropped into a chair in Mac’s office.
“Yeah, whatever,” Mac snapped. He raised an irritated brow as Dom propped his feet on the corner of Mac’s desk, seeming to settle in for the long haul. “Was there something you needed?”
“Nope.” Dominic smirked. “But it looks like you need something. Who shit in your cornflakes today? I’d go with the usual guess and say Gage, but he’s off somewhere crying about his unrequited love for the tramp stamp girl. So I’m gonna just take a wild guess here and go with Ava? I thought you two finally had your shit together?”
Mac gnashed his teeth, wanting to make some crude comment about Dominic’s lack of success with the object of his affection, but out of respect for Gwen, he just couldn’t do it. Instead he took a calming breath and completely unloaded all his problems on one of his closest friends, finishing up with “So you can see why I’m not up skipping through the office like a happy ray of fucking sunshine, yeah?”
Dominic inclined his head in a nod, saying matter-of-factly, “Sexual frustration will sure do that to you. It’s even worse when you actually get it, then get it pulled right back out from under you, pun intended, of course.”
“You’re an asshole,” Mac deadpanned, wondering what he had really expected from another guy.
Dominic laughed before scrubbing his hands over his face. “Okay, seriously, I feel you, man. And I get where Ava is coming from. No one wants to live their life being a fixer-upper project. At some point,
the renovation needs to end.”
“She’s not my project,” Mac grumbled, unsure if he was trying to convince Dominic or himself of that fact.
“But that’s just it, buddy. You don’t even realize it. I’ve known you for a long time now, and while you’ve had your fair share of female company, mostly all the one-night-only variety, it’s always been Ava who’s kept you walking the floors or pacing the fucking desert in Afghanistan. You’re the most focused, intense person I’ve ever known. From the stories Declan has told of the two of you guys growing up, I don’t think that’s always been who you were.” Smirking, he added, “No doubt you were born an anal perfectionist, but the rest I believe you picked up after Ava’s attack.” Dominic plowed on when Mac would have protested. “If you really think about it, you two never got to just be young and crazy. From the moment that happened, the course of your lives was altered. You both grew up the hard way and you’ve spent years being weighed down by a guilt for something none of you could have foreseen happening.”
Kicking his desk in anger, Mac growled, “I should have fucking known it! If I hadn’t been so busy trying to stay away from her for a few more years, until she was old enough for us to consider dating, I would have been with her that night. She was so young, though, and I wanted her to enjoy high school before overwhelming her with my feelings.”
“Well, guess what, man? You’re human. You can’t predict the future and neither of you had a fucking clue what would happen that night. Saying it’s your fault that you didn’t go with her is like saying it’s her fault for going without you. It’s over. It was a shitty, fucked-up twist of fate that no one had any clue would happen. Now if you want a life with the woman who has kept you tied in knots for years, then it’s time you trust that fate won’t screw you over again and stop being her protector and start just being her man. Show her that you can check your OCD where she’s concerned at the door and just be the guy she originally fell in love with all those years ago. I mean, he’s there, right? Buried deep . . . deep, really deep . . .”
“All right! Shit, please stop.” Glaring in annoyance, Mac said, “I don’t think Ava’s idea of a fun guy is one in prison because he strangled his smart-ass coworker. Christ, when did you and Gage become so insufferable? I hope he’s not coming in next for his part of the come-to-Jesus intervention that you’ve got going on.”
“Nope, Gage needs help almost as much as you do. I mean come on, all that whoring that he does has got to be hiding deeper problems. I’m betting that he was a bed wetter. His mama probably hung his pissed-on sheets out front for the other neighborhood kids to see. Since that early embarrassment, he’s been unable to form attachments with women for fear of it happening again.”
Mac threw his head back, howling with laughter. He had no idea where Dominic came up with this shit, but he was pretty sure that even Gage would be amused by the other man’s assessment . . . well, unless there was some truth to it. “Dr. Phil’s got nothing on you, bro. I feel like I should warn Gwen or something. She might not be as amused by your deep insight as I am.” At the look of dejection on Dominic’s face, Mac found himself whistling. Apparently, he wasn’t having any luck wooing his woman either. Getting to his feet, he clapped his friend on the shoulder. “I need you to hold down the fort for a few days. Think you can handle that?”
Dominic shrugged a shoulder, saying, “Of course. Where ya going?”
Mac grinned before throwing an imaginary three-point hoop shot. “I’m going to go be young, crazy, and reckless for once in my life. Isn’t that what you just suggested?”
Cocking his finger, Dominic said, “Yep, that’s about the gist of it. Wear a condom, though, son. I’m not ready to be an uncle.” Mac nudged his chair in answer, laughing when Dom tumbled out on the floor shouting obscenities. God, would he and Gage never learn to keep their feet firmly planted on the floor?
Chapter Twenty-two
“Come on, Ava, we’re in Vegas! We can’t sit in the room eating cartons of cookie dough ice cream instead of having some fun.” When Ava just opened her mouth for another heaping spoonful of the creamy goodness, Emma put her hands on her hips, releasing a long-suffering sigh. “You were more fun when you were all uptight and reserved. At least then, I had all your insults to keep me amused. Some of them were so detailed that I had to Google the meaning. Now you’re just like a lovesick teenager. Binge-eating, listening to sad music, and writing Mrs. Ava Powers over and over on your notebook.”
“Hey!” Ava protested around the spoon in her mouth. “I’ve only done that once and it wasn’t on a notebook.”
“Same thing,” Emma grumbled. “Why don’t you at least do what grown women do when they’re lonely? Rent some porn and have a vibrator marathon. We’re in Vegas. There’s a store on the strip called Cock of the Stars. Want me to go get you an Adam Levine to test-drive? Suzy bought the Channing Tatum yesterday. She said Gray took it as a challenge and, well, long story short, she seems to have thrown her back out.”
“Oh my God.” Ava giggled. “Please, tell me you’re kidding . . . about everything you just said. And tell me you didn’t get one.” Ava knew she’d made a mistake with that last sentence when Emma flashed her a wicked grin.
“Honey, I don’t have anything left for a plastic friend. Brant fu—”
“Stop! I know I literally asked for that, but please don’t finish your sentence. Remember, that’s my brother.” Ava shuddered.
“Like a champion,” Emma added, laughing when Ava’s spoon clattered to the floor and she ran from the room.
“So sick,” Ava said under her breath as she walked into the bathroom and took a good look in the mirror. Ugh, maybe Emma was right. Her hair was sticking up in every direction and she had ice cream stains on the front of her white tank top. She had been holed up in her hotel for hours. Not seeing Mac was driving her crazy. When she imposed the two-week challenge on them, she’d completely forgotten about the trade show in Vegas. Now she was a long way from home, surrounded by mostly strangers, and damn, she missed the feeling of peace and security that came from knowing Mac was near. She was beginning to understand that it wasn’t having his company keep an eye on her that made it easier for her to breathe, it was having Mac close. He was her anchor; his presence kept her grounded and all her fears at bay.
Claire had said something to her yesterday as they were walking alone to their rooms that came back to her clearly now. The other woman had been telling her how much she missed her daughter Chrissy, who was staying behind with Claire’s mother and their family friend Louise. She had said that she just needed to be around Jason right now. She remembered her exact words as “I’ve mostly gotten used to him traveling and he has tried to scale it way back since we’ve been married. It’s tough, though because he’s my center of gravity. When he’s gone, I just sort of find myself drifting.” Claire had laughed sheepishly before continuing. ”I don’t miss a step really and life goes on until he’s back, but inside, I’m just not me without him. He makes me stronger and I’m a better person all the way around. I’m the best version of myself when he’s near.” At the time, Ava had just smiled and returned Claire’s hug before heading to her room for the night.
Now her friend’s words made perfect sense to her. Instead of trying to put all these rules in place with Mac, maybe it was she that needed to accept that it wasn’t wrong to rely on someone else. Was what Ava saw as weakness really just a natural part of being in love? Even Claire had admitted to being better with Jason than alone. If she really thought about it, all of her friends seemed to shine just a little brighter with the person they loved next to them. She didn’t want Mac walking behind her through life, always trying to catch her before she fell. But she did want him beside her, giving her what only he could—acceptance, strength, and love.
When she heard the door shut in the other room as Emma left, she ran out of the bathroom to get her phone. She might not be able to see him, but God, she needed to hear his voice. So intent was she
on her task that she didn’t look up until she barreled into a hard chest. A startled squeak sounded from her throat as she jumped back. She blinked rapidly, thinking that surely her mind had conjured up the man standing in front of her grinning. “Mac! Wh-where did you come from?” As he started to answer, she jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. “Oh, who the hell cares? You’re here!” Mac emitted a startled gasp next as her mouth crashed down onto his. Her tongue immediately sought entrance into his mouth, and with a husky groan, he took charge of the kiss.
Soon Mac stumbled backward from the force of her kisses, searching until his knees made contact with the bed. Ava bounced against him as he turned, falling to his back with her on top. “I missed you so fucking much,” he whispered as he plunged his tongue in her mouth while grinding his hard cock against her wet core. Even through the material of his pants and her shorts and panties, she could feel every inch of him. She broke from the kiss to grab his belt buckle, desperate to lower his pants. He reached for the hem of her shirt, pulling it over her head in one swift movement before unclipping the front clasp of her bra. She could barely concentrate on his zipper as he pinched a sensitive nipple before stroking the sting away. He lifted his hips so she could slide his pants and boxers down, and she gave a shout of victory as his huge member sprang free. Mac took over, making short work of her remaining clothing before sitting her back astride him. “Fuck me, Avie. Give us both what we need.”