“Stop,” he rasped, his voice hoarse with pain and regret. “I…it…God.” He thunked the back of his head onto the ground, once, twice. She was going to make him talk, wasn’t she?
Jo Ellen reached out, touched his arm, and he was a goner. It all spilled out.
“Last month,” he started regretfully, “I was helping her box up all of Dad’s old stuff because, well, we both know he’s never coming home to use them again.”
Gaze softening with pity, Jo Ellen began to stroke his bicep. Only feeling worse, he closed his eyes, trying to steel himself against her soothing comfort. “While I was helping her, I found a letter.”
When he didn’t continue, Jo Ellen softly said, “Okay. What did the letter say?”
He glanced at her and sighed. “It said Brendal wasn’t my sister. Not my full sister anyway. She’s not my dad’s biological daughter.”
Mouth dropping open, Jo Ellen gaped. “She cheated on your dad?”
He scowled. “No, not exactly. She was already pregnant when she married him though.”
“Oh my God.”
When she didn’t say anything else, looked incapable of further speech, he nodded. “Yeah.” That had pretty much been his response too. “So there you have it. The deep, dark, dirty Gerhardt family secret. My innocent, sweet, God-fearing mother married my dad while she was pregnant with another man’s baby.”
“Holy…” Jo Ellen opened her mouth a few times before lying down to rest her cheek lightly atop his chest. “Did Thad know?”
He nodded. “Yes. The letter was from him actually; to her. Never once in my life did I see him show her any physical affection, like a touch, or a hug, or a kiss. All these years, I just assumed that’s how they were, you know. How he was—outwardly gruff and distant but inwardly soft and caring. But I don’t think that was the case at all. He poured his heart out in that letter, told my mother how much he loved her, how he’d always loved her. He knew she still loved Brendal’s real father, but I guess the guy died in Vietnam or something, I don’t know. Those details were vague. What he emphasized was how much he cared for her. He actually told her it was okay if she didn’t return his feelings, he could love her enough for the both of them. Then he begged her to marry him. He swore he’d raise her child as his own, and no one would ever know the difference. And…I guess that’s exactly what they did, because none of us ever knew.”
He closed his eyes, still feeling the shock of his discovery reverberating through him.
“Does…does your sister…does Brendal know?”
Cooper shook his head. “No. Only Mama and I know.” He sniffed. “He never treated Bren any different than he treats the rest of us. It’s all just…so bizarre. So unreal. I don’t…nothing feels the same anymore. I can’t look her in the eye without thinking…I don’t know. I’m still too shocked. Too confused.”
Warm, soothing fingers stroked up to caress his arm. “Are you mad at your mother for keeping it a secret?”
He frowned and started to shake his head. “No, I…” It struck him then, why he was really upset. His father had loved his mother, loved her with everything he had, and all these years, she’d never returned his affections. All those times Thad had kept his distance from Loren, he’d been respecting her wishes, loving her quietly from afar.
Betrayal for his father’s sake plagued him more than anything else.
“I guess I’m not mad at her for that,” he realized aloud. “I can see why she did it, understand why she would want to keep it a secret. Times were different back then. But…I don’t know. I thought I was born out of love, you know. That I came from two people who cherished each other and wanted to be together. And if she never loved him all these years, did she ever really love me. I mean, I’m his son—”
“Cooper!” Jo Ellen pressed her mouth to his as if that were the only thing she could think to do to stop his stream of disjointed monologue. “Shh. You know your mother loves you.”
He sighed and closed his eyes. “I guess. But...” He wasn’t sure what else to add. He just knew nothing felt the same anymore.
Jo Ellen stroked his face and smiled gently. Snuggling down on top of him, she curled her arms around his waist and rested her head on his heartbeat. “I think you really need to talk to your mother and straighten this out. Just be open with her and tell her how you feel. I’m sure she’ll reassure all your worries and everything will be able to go back to normal for you.”
Cooper stroked her hair without answering. He knew she was right, but talking to his mother about…that, just felt too uncomfortable.
“You know,” Jo Ellen mused aloud. “I always thought you and Thad shared so many traits, but now I really see how much you two are alike.”
He tightened.
As soon as he’d found that letter, he’d felt the immediate kinship too, that helpless agony of loving a woman he knew didn’t love him back. That was probably one of the major reasons why he’d been so upset lately. It was fear. He instinctively knew he was going to end up like his father, always suffering from one-sided love.
“Don’t you think it’s ironic,” Jo Ellen said. “You didn’t even know he’d asked your mom to marry him so he could save her and her child, yet all those years later, you did the exact same thing, determined to marry me to help me keep my baby.”
With a stunned jolt, Cooper realized he hadn’t even thought of the correlation until that very moment. “Huh,” he said touching her hair. “You’re right. Strange.”
“Not so much. It just shows you how deeply honor is ingrained into the Gerhardt genes.”
“Yeah,” he murmured. “That must be it.” Wrapping his arm around her, he pressed his lips hard to her temple, cherishing this moment, knowing it would end and he’d be left heartbroken and unloved because that just seemed to be another family trait.
Chapter Nineteen
He walked Jo Ellen back to her car at dawn, just as he had the previous morning. This time he kissed her long and thorough before letting her even open the door to her Kia. And even after their mouths disconnected, they held one another, silently gripping each other as the sun rose higher above the horizon.
“I was going to visit my dad later this morning,” he said into her hair and inhaling deeply. “Would you like to go with me? You said something the other day about wanting to see him.”
She lifted her face to catch his tightening features, that instinctive internal struggle he felt every time he thought of Thad.
“Yes,” she said. “I’d love to go with you, but I was going to head over to the hospital with Emma Leigh and Branson to pick up Alexa and the new baby. They’re all being released today. But—”
He shook his head, stopping her. “My visit’s not so pressing. I could go later this afternoon if you really want to tag along.”
She nodded. “I do.”
“All right then. Call me when you’re ready, and I’ll come pick you up.” He kissed her again.
When she finally pulled away, the sun was full in the sky and daylight brightened most of his farm. “See you later,” she whispered and couldn’t stop herself from touching her lips where she continued to feel him. They remained tingly fifteen minutes later as she snuck in her back door and crept through her parents’ quiet house to her old bedroom.
She’d just kicked off her sandals and was about to pull off her shirt, then shower before falling into bed for a short morning nap, when the question came across the room from behind her, in the vicinity of her bed.
“Have a good night?”
Jo Ellen screamed and lurched around to discover her twin camped out on her mattress, sitting with her back against the headboard, padded by a pillow. She had stretched her feet out before her while she breastfed her baby.
“Oh my Lord. You scared ten years off my life, Emma Leigh. What’re you doing in here?”
Emma shrugged. “I didn’t want to wake Branson. Since I knew your room would be unoccupied, I borrowed your bed to feed the baby.”
br /> Realizing he was being discussed, Brand pulled his face away from the teat he’d been suckling and craned his head around to peer at Jo Ellen.
She smiled and wandered closer, watching her sister work with motherly precision as she snapped her bra back together and slung her son over her shoulder to pat him enthusiastically on the back.
“Can I burp him?” Jo Ellen asked, easing down next to them.
Without a word, her twin handed him over. As she tried to mirror Emma Leigh’s moves and position the boy against her, Jo Ellen couldn’t help but recall the last time she and Emma Leigh had sat on this very bed together. They’d talked about Jo Ellen’s baby then. Now, here they were, ten years later, with Emma Leigh’s son.
The most elemental part of her felt missing, lacking somehow. She wondered if she’d ever be a mother someday.
“So, you saw Cooper again?” Em asked, tucking her legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her knees.
Jo Ellen blushed but nodded as she ducked her head to rub her cheek against Brand’s soft tuft of dark hair. Like a little heater, his tiny bulk warmed her from the inside out. Smelling like a typical baby, his subtle hint of milk and Johnson & Johnson’s lotion had never made her want to cry before. But a sense of loss filled her and she clutched him a little tighter, eliciting a satisfied burp from his chest.
Ignoring the fact she’d accomplished her job, she continued to hold him, smoothing her hand over his frail back and letting her fingers fall in between every dip on his spine. Emma Leigh let her have her fill, but she obviously refused to hand over all this baby time for free. She snapped her fingers and frowned. “Well…details. What’d you guys do all night?”
Jo Ellen’s cheeks went from warm to scorching. “Emma Leigh,” she hissed. “I’m not going to discuss that. Besides, most of the time, we just talked.” And played tic-tac-toe; and cuddled. And she’d fallen so deeply in love with him she didn’t even feel like herself anymore without him near.
A wistful sigh slipped from her; God, how she loved Cooper. He could be so easy to talk to. Since he knew things about her she was usually careful to hide, she didn’t have to pretend around him, didn’t have to ignore the fact she’d been pregnant once or that her life had changed dramatically ten years ago.
She’d lost more than just a child when she was eighteen. She’d lost her direction. Cooper seemed to already sense her loss and he didn’t avoid topics about it as her family did. It was as if he’d metaphorically lit a candle for her so she could see where she wanted to go now.
She liked that. And hated it too, because the only place she wanted to go was straight to him. It was all so confusing. Her wariness of dating a man was melting away, right out of her control and she couldn’t summon the ability to care. She wanted the fear gone.
“You talked?” Emma Leigh let out a snort. “Like I want to hear about the boring part of the night. Tell me the juicy stuff. Did he ring your bell, make you see stars, rock your world, cause you to scream out your passion like a banshee?”
Jo Ellen rolled her eyes. All too aware her twin wouldn’t let up until she confessed, she said, “Yes.”
Em paused. “Yes?”
Jo Ellen sighed and repeated, “Yes.”
Shocked silence followed. Then…“I knew it!” Em fisted her hand into the air, making Brand jump. “He’s the best you ever had, isn’t he?”
“Well, obviously. Judging him against Travis, there’s really no comparison.”
“What do you mean, judging him against Travis?” Em’s jaw sagged. “Are you freaking telling me you haven’t been with anyone since Untermeyer? Oh my God. Poor you. Ugh, this means Branson was right. For once.”
Jo Ellen gasped. “You and Branson have discussed my sex life?”
Em shrugged. “We discuss everything.” Then she waved her hand, pushing past what she obviously considered irreverent. “So do you like him?” she urged. “Cooper, I mean.”
“Of course I like him. He’s… he’s Cooper. What’s not to like?”
Em rolled her eyes. “Oh my God. That is the drollest answer I’ve ever heard. Do you like him like him as in…do you love the guy or not?”
“Emma Leigh,” she scolded, unable to stop blushing. “I can’t…that’s not…we haven’t even brought up such things.” Besides, it’d be foolish to admit how much she’d fallen for him after such a short time. Wouldn’t it?
“Oh, hell. I hate it when you turn all prissy and socialite because something makes you uncomfortable. Now stop it. This is important. And I don’t care what you two have brought up. I want to know what you’re feeling.”
With a deep sigh, Jo Ellen closed her eyes, concentrating on the weight of Brand’s body in her arms. “It can’t last,” she stated without the slightest of inflection in her voice, though her pulse jerked with dread as the words became vocal. “I’m going back to Dallas on Sunday. He has to stay here. We’re both pretty much stuck in our current situations. I have responsibilities keeping me there. He has responsibilities keeping him here.”
“So what?” Emma Leigh frowned. “Ever heard of a long distance relationship?”
“Em,” Jo Ellen growled, gritting her teeth.
Her twin blinked, her expression showing off all her confusion. “What?”
Ducking her face into Brand’s body, Jo Ellen groaned. “Don’t you get it? This isn’t about any of that at all. It just…it’s an excuse. I’m scared out of my mind here. I shouldn’t fall for him. I just…I shouldn’t.”
“What. The. Hell?” Emma Leigh’s mouth gaped open. “If distance isn’t a problem, then what in God’s name is wrong with you?”
She would never understand. Emma Leigh went after whatever she wanted. She didn’t fear anything. The woman didn’t have a timid bone in her body.
“He’s just too…too…he’s just too much. I can’t…I can’t…”
“Breathe,” her twin instructed.
Jo Ellen sucked in air so hard she was afraid she might start hyperventilating.
As if reading her feelings off her face, Emma Leigh leaned over to rest her cheek on Jo Ellen’s shoulder. She reached out and stroked Brand as well. And strangely, Jo Ellen began to calm down.
“Honestly, the distance thing really is kind of a problem. I mean, how long could we last before…well, before we wanted more, before we want to get married or have children? If we kept on, eventually we’d both want to live together. And where would we live? I have commitments there; Cooper is tethered here. And even if for some strange reason he did move to Dallas, he’d be miserable within the week. He’s an ingrained farmer, Em. It’s in his blood. He’d end up blaming me for taking his soul away from him. And it’s not as if he could just desert his parents when they needed him most.”
She didn’t mention what would happen if he asked her to give up Dallas and return to Tommy Creek. She told herself not to rationalize that scenario, because he hadn’t asked. He wouldn’t ask. But if he did, she’d leave the city in a heartbeat. To be with him, to find meaning in her life, she’d go wherever he asked her to go, which scared her most of all. She’d give up everything for the man she loved commit her life to him. But what if that wasn’t enough? What if it ended up the same disastrous way it had the last time she’d so fully committed herself to someone?
“Sounds to me like you’re inventing a load of problems before they can even happen. You don’t know that’s how things will end. No one knows. Hell, I could be ripped away from Branson tomorrow and never see him again. But that’s the point of making a relationship count and living each day like it might be the last. Just think about this; if you break it off now, it’s guaranteed to end miserably.”
With a scowl, Jo Ellen considered her twin’s words and wondered when the heck Emma Leigh had gotten so insightful.
Then she sniffed. “But if we end this on Sunday, as planned—” though, technically, she realized they’d never actually verbally agreed on that plan, it just seemed like an unspoken pact, “—the
n we won’t have time to grow as many feelings as we would if we tried to take it beyond this week.” And maybe she wouldn’t end up a broken, self-conscious mess like she had turned out the last time.
She prayed to God her theory was right, because she didn’t know if she could handle it if she discovered she was wrong.
Chapter Twenty
Cooper arrived at the Rawlings mansion two minutes early to pick up Jo Ellen.
As he pulled into the drive, he told himself that however she responded to him today would express how she truly felt about him. Her reaction would state whether he should pressure for more time together after she left Tommy Creek or if he should let her go gracefully. Because if he went by his own impulse, he’d get a ring on her finger by the end of the day and high tail them to the Caribbean for a luxurious honeymoon.
He wasn’t thinking straight, wasn’t thinking with his brain. Even now, his blood surged with dizzy anticipation just to see her.
After killing the engine, he slid out of the driver’s seat and started toward the house, feeling unreasonably nervous. But this was the first time he’d ever picked her up at her parents’ place to take her anywhere. It felt suspiciously like a date, though everyone knew he was only driving her to his dad’s nursing home.
Still, seeing her again made him hesitant. Nothing about their relationship was defined. They certainly weren’t a one-time oops, but he couldn’t say they were committed. The future had become like a four-letter word between them, something not to be discussed, even if he did think about it constantly.
He knew how he wanted to treat her, like a lover, like a permanent fixture in his life. He wanted to kiss her when he saw her, pull her into his arms and hug her. He wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked, how great she smelled, how crazy he was about it. But he instinctively knew pushing too hard, too fast would only frighten her off. So, he’d play it cool, keep an emotional distance, and talk to her like a friend. But that was the way he was talking to her now, and he only felt closer to her than he’d ever felt to anyone.