I close my eyes and swallow, feeling the doctor looking at me, judging me. I swear to God, if he passes comment on my way of dealing with this, I’ll launch his arse across the hospital. ‘I understand,’ Dr Peters replies quietly, going back to his pad. ‘When are the children home?’
I clear my throat and pull myself together, pushing back my anger. ‘They’re on their way now.’
‘That’s good. The sooner Ava gets back to real life the better. Routine is key.’ Going to his computer, he starts tapping away on the keyboard. ‘Try to weave some relaxed time into that routine. There are a few ways we could move forward. I would recommend an occupational therapist who can work with you to acquire new information to replace some of your lost memories. A personal digital assistant may be helpful, too, in helping you with day-to-day life.’
‘A personal assistant?’ I ask, trying my damn hardest not to sound affronted. I know I fail when Ava squeezes my hand, her way of pleading with me to keep my cool. I’m struggling. ‘She doesn’t need a personal assistant. She has me.’
‘Mr Ward, you’re misunderstanding. I’m talking about a device of some sort. A phone or iPad. There are some really helpful apps that would be great for Ava.’ The doctor leaves his keyboard and hands me a pile of pamphlets, which I take slowly. ‘Ava will want to gain some independence back, I’m sure.’ He looks at Ava, though I don’t. All she needs is me. ‘She may forget things, small things that happened just a day before, or even an hour. It’s common.’ He smiles reassuringly, though I’m far from reassured.
There have been a few occasions when she’s forgotten things. Small things. Things I have told her that have disappeared from her mind, and I’ve had to tell her again.
‘With the help of a smartphone or similar, Ava can set herself reminders for key commitments, make notes, et cetera, to help her with everyday tasks. I’m sure she doesn’t want to rely on you for everything, and it’s important for her to have a sense of self-awareness and worth. She has to get back to her life, whether the memories come or do not.’
I’m fucking staggered. ‘Are you suggesting I just leave her to figure this all out on her own?’ The man’s a twat.
Dr Peters smiles. I’m close to wiping it from his face. ‘Mr Ward, if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that you will never let her figure it all out on her own. But you must give her space to breathe.’ With that, he stands, and it’s all I can do not to jump across the desk and take him out. Is he having a dig? ‘I’d like to see you again in a few weeks, Ava. Have a look at the literature I’ve given your husband. There are support groups available to you, people you can talk with who are in the same boat. We’ll discuss at your next appointment once you’ve had a chance to read the information.’
Support group? Meet new people who understand? I’m hating this more and more each minute. She doesn’t need new people, she has me. I’m her support.
Ava’s up before I am, encouraging me to stand. ‘Thank you.’
‘Very welcome.’
I don’t thank him but rather wander out silently, my head ringing. Space to breathe? That’s never been my strong point, and it’s something Ava has got used to. I’m set in my ways, and changing that has proved tricky since the moment she came around. I’ve struggled, but held out hope that it was temporary. That we would return to our normal eventually. The prospect of having to adapt and permanently change my ways is daunting. And I honestly question whether I’m capable. Where does that leave us?
Chapter 43
The journey home is silent. Uncomfortable. I draw breath a thousand times to ask Ava what’s whirling around in her mind, but each time I think better of it. Maybe because I’m worried about what she might say. Does she want more space? Does she think I’m crowding her too much? Does she hate me for sending the kids away so I could focus on discovering us again? Question after question mounts until my head is pounding. ‘Ava—’ I’m interrupted by her phone ringing, and she answers rather than letting it ring off and giving me her attention. My hands flex around the steering wheel, irritation heating my bloodstream.
‘Hi!’ She sounds happy all of a sudden. ‘Yes, definitely.’ She laughs, and I frown, wondering who’s on the line. Kate’s in hospital. ‘I’ll see you there.’ She hangs up and looks at me. ‘What were you going to say?’
My mind is blank. ‘Who was that?’
‘Oh, Zara.’ She slips her phone into her bag. Zara. The friend from yoga. The woman putting stupid ideas in my wife’s head about getting another job. ‘You must meet her. She’s fab.’
I bite my tongue before we end up in an argument. It’s probably best I never meet Zara. I can’t guarantee I’ll hold back from putting her straight on a few things. ‘Sure.’
When we pull up the driveway, I’m about to unleash some of the questions mounting, but Ava speaks first, stopping me in my tracks. ‘Whose car is that?’ she asks, pointing forward, spurring me to look.
Ava’s parents’ Land Rover is parked up, and the front door is wide open. ‘The kids are home.’ Excitement mixed with apprehension swirls in my gut as I roll to a stop. I have no idea how this will play out. How will Ava be? How will the kids be? ‘You okay?’
‘Yeah.’ Her answer is quiet as she gets out of the car, hovering by the door for a few moments after she’s shut it. I remain in my seat, bracing myself for the reunion. I mustn’t get emotional. I mustn’t give the kids any cause to worry. On a deep breath, I exit the car and circle it to collect Ava. She smiles at me when I take her hand. ‘Ready?’
Her inhale is far deeper than mine. ‘Ready,’ she confirms, letting me lead her up to the front door. Each step she takes is measured, each breath audible. She’s doing exactly what I’m doing. Bracing herself. The hallway is a mess of bags and shoes, the house alive with the sound of the twins from the kitchen. It’s normal. Peeking down at Ava as we head towards the sounds, I find her smiling, a certain new lease of life in her eyes. That life gives me life, too, and I squeeze her hand, prompting her to look up at me. ‘Just tell me if it gets too much,’ I say. ‘If you need some breathing space.’
‘From you or the children?’ she asks on a cheeky hitch of her brows.
My scowl is playful as I drop her hand and wrap an arm around her shoulder. ‘Sarcasm doesn’t suit you, lady.’
‘So you keep telling me.’
We enter the kitchen to find the kids sitting at the island while Ava’s mum faffs around the space and Joseph follows, taking orders. Maddie is on her iPad. Jacob has his finger wedged in a jar of peanut butter. It’s like they were never gone. We both stand in the doorway for a few moments, silent and taking in the scene. Because it’s chaos and it’s normal and it’s beautiful. ‘Kids are home,’ I quip, and Ava chuckles a little, looking up at me with eyes full of love.
‘Thank you for the time we’ve had together.’ Leaning up, she pushes her lips into my cheek. ‘It’s truly been some of the best in my life.’
I don’t know whether the twinge in my heart is hurt or happiness. We’ve had some amazing times in our lives. And she can’t remember any of them.
‘Mum! Dad!’ Maddie’s off the stool like a whippet, racing towards us. I watch as she throws her arms around Ava’s body and hugs her fiercely, Jacob soon joining her.
‘Charming,’ I grumble, giving them each a rub of their heads. ‘You missed me, too, right?’ Neither of them breaks free of Ava, and I don’t hold it against them. Besides, I’m taking too much satisfaction and pleasure from watching the mother of my children embracing their attack, her eyes closed, her arms around their backs, her face buried in the tops of their heads. She’s smelling them, breathing them in. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so wonderful. Glimpsing up at me, Ava smiles faintly, and I see a bit of apprehension in her dark brown eyes. I wink at her, my own silent way of telling her she’s doing great.
Releasing her hold of Maddie, Ava motion
s for me to go to her, and as soon as I’m in touching distance, she pulls me in and I surround them all with my arms. My wife and my children. My world, all bundled safely in my arms. I have to swallow repeatedly to keep myself together.
The twins, usually allergic to any kind of affection from me unless they want something, stay put, uncomplaining, until Ava and I are ready to release them. It’s a job and a half, but I finally find the will to pull out, letting them all breathe again. Though my breath is still short, my heart still thumping. Overwhelmed. I’m so fucking overwhelmed.
Ava’s mother and father move in only once I’ve broken up our cluster of bodies, and Elizabeth nods at me as she takes Ava in a hug. ‘How are you, darling?’
‘The doctor’s very happy with my progress,’ she replies, because that is all there is to say. ‘I’m just glad the kids are back and we can try to get on with things.’
Joseph moves in and shakes my hand as the kids stand close by, their faces eager for some information. What to tell them has my mind twisting. ‘Good to see you, Jesse,’ Joseph says, following up his handshake with a firm slap to my shoulder.
‘How were the kids?’
‘Terrible,’ he mutters, though his tone is joking. ‘Disobedient, no manners, and constantly moaning.’
‘Oh, Joseph,’ Elizabeth laughs, giving my arm a little rub as she passes me. ‘I noticed you had nothing in the cupboards so I popped to the supermarket.’ She starts emptying bags, stocking up the fridge. ‘Milk, bread.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’ I point Ava to a stool. ‘Sit.’
She settles at the island while I help Elizabeth unload the groceries, and I listen as Ava walks the kids through everything the doctor just told us. She smiles the whole time, telling them she’s happy and they should be, too. ‘And now I have you two back, we can do exactly that,’ she chirps. ‘Get back to normal.’
‘What about your memories?’ Jacob asks, reclaiming his peanut butter. ‘Will they ever come back?’
‘The doctor is very positive,’ Ava replies, looking up at me. ‘And if they don’t, then we make new ones.’
I smile, despite myself, feeling Elizabeth’s hand on my arm. I look at my mother-in-law and see encouragement reflecting back at me. ‘Thank you for having them,’ I say sincerely.
To which she smacks my arm before taking the empty carrier bag from my hand. ‘Shut up,’ she orders, stuffing it in the bin.
I roll my eyes, wandering over to my wife and kids and getting in on the excited conversation. I put myself behind Ava and curl my arms around her waist, resting my chin on her shoulder. Her hands land on mine, and she cranes her neck to get me in her sights.
‘Oh, Dad, please,’ Maddie sighs, losing all interest in the conversation and going back to her iPad. Whereas Jacob looks completely and utterly thrilled by my public display of affection. Of course he is. It’s normal for Dad to be all over Mum. He grins around his peanut-butter-covered finger, his attention set firmly on us.
Ava sighs, leaning back into me a little. ‘It feels right already,’ she says, looking a little sad, like she now appreciates how much she’s missed them.
‘Because it is right.’ I kiss her hair before breaking away. ‘Now, what am I doing for dinner?’
I get three different menu choices thrown at me all at once. And I smile. Because this is us.
Chapter 44
It takes me one second flat to figure out what’s not right when my brain wakes the next morning. Ava’s not in bed with me. Then another second to break into a panic. Where is she? And another second to get myself out of bed and out of the bedroom. I sprint around the landing and down the stairs like a loon, skidding into the kitchen.
I find Maddie at the island eating her breakfast. ‘Oh my God!’ Her horrified screech pierces my ears, her spoon halfway to her mouth. Her eyes are wide for the brief moment I see them before she swings back around on her stool, away from me. ‘Seriously, Dad!’
For a moment, I’m confused. Then I register the reason for her alarm. On a cringe, I look down my front. My naked front. Shit!
‘Where’s your mum?’ I ask, taking my hands to my groin and cupping myself. I die a little on the inside, though I don’t beat a hasty retreat. I’m too worried.
Her arm shoots out towards the utility room, just as Ava appears with a basket of washing in her hands. I get the same reaction from my wife as I do my daughter. The basket full of washing hits the ground, followed by a shriek. ‘Jesse, what the hell?’ Ava snatches a tea towel off the counter and rushes over, making quick work of covering me up.
‘You weren’t in bed,’ I snap, letting loose an unhappy scowl. ‘I was worried.’
Dark chocolate strands of hair frame her face as she gives me a tired look. ‘The kids are back at school today. I needed a head start.’
‘You should have woken me up. I just had twenty heart attacks between here and the bedroom, Ava.’
‘You were tired.’
‘I’m not tired,’ I retort, while she continues to arrange the small square of cloth over my nether regions. ‘Never leave our bed without telling me. You’ll kill me off.’
‘Stop being so dramatic.’ While she’s down there determinedly trying to conceal my dignity, her hand brushes the underside of my cock, waking the frisky fucker up. I inhale sharply, as does Ava, watching as the material moves with the help of my growing erection. Biting her lip furiously, she shakes her head. And here we are, back to that blessed thing called self-control.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ I mumble under my breath. ‘Are there any shorts in that basket?’
Snapping to life, Ava darts across to where she abandoned the washing and rifles through. ‘Here!’ She pulls out a black pair and chucks them across to me. Making sure Maddie remains facing away from me, I replace the pathetic towel with the shorts. ‘I’m decent, baby girl,’ I tell her.
‘You’re sooooo embarrassing.’
I plonk myself on the stool next to her and chuck the tea towel at Ava. It hits her in the chest and falls to the floor, her hands not even coming up to try to catch it. Because she’s too busy indulging in my chest. I pout and look down my fine front, peeking up at her through my lashes. ‘Breakfast?’ I ask, my question bringing her eyes to mine.
They roll as she picks up the basket, before warily flicking to our daughter. ‘Behave,’ she mouths, disappearing back into the utility room.
I laugh under my breath. Behave? Never. ‘How long have you been up?’ I call, searching the island for a pot of coffee. No coffee.
‘Six thirty,’ Ava replies as I make my way to the coffee machine and fire it up, not allowing the fact that it’s not prepared already bother me. ‘But Maddie was down here before me.’
She was? I look back at my daughter on a raised brow, and she shrugs around her mouthful of cereal. She usually needs a rocket up her arse to get her out of bed.
‘Thought I could get my own breakfast this morning.’
I smile fondly, flipping her a wink. ‘Good girl.’ She’s trying to help, anything to lessen the pressure on Ava’s shoulders. I’m about to switch on the coffeemaker when I hear cursing from the utility room. I sigh and look up at the ceiling. Lord, give me strength. ‘Ava,’ I warn. My day isn’t getting off to the best start. Heart attacks. Swearing.
‘Shit, it can’t be that hard,’ I hear her grumble as I head her way, finding her staring at the washing machine.
‘I won’t tell you again, watch your damn mouth,’ I hiss, resting my shoulder on the door as she stares at the buttons embellishing the front, completely ignoring me. ‘What’s up?’
She sighs. ‘I don’t know how to use the washing machine.’ She proceeds to smack buttons on the front and twist knobs randomly, getting increasingly annoyed. ‘How hard can it be?’
I join her by the machine and take her hand gently before she breaks the damn thing. ‘Take it e
asy,’ I say, all soothingly. ‘We’ll figure it out together.’ I bend and scan the millions of buttons on the front, Ava joining me. Jesus, what do they all do? What’s all this rinse and spin business? I bite the corner of my lip, wondering where the manual might be.
‘You don’t know how to use it, do you?’ she says, a little teasingly. I honestly don’t.
‘Not a fucking clue,’ I admit unashamedly, slowly casting my eyes to hers. ‘The washing has always been your area of expertise.’
‘You cheeky bastard!’ she gasps, outraged, smacking my arm.
‘Mouth!’
‘Shut up. And what’s your area of expertise?’
My irritation dissipates, and I laugh, seizing her and mauling her neck for a few precious moments, sneakily flexing my hips into hers. ‘What do you think my area of expertise is?’
She chuckles and tries to swat me away, with little success. I have a firm hold, and I’m not letting go. ‘So you’re good for one thing and one thing alone?’
Picking her up, I sit her on the counter and take her hips. Her smile is dreamy. Gorgeous. And her eyes bright, considering the time of day. ‘I’m an expert at most things I do.’ I’m not boasting. I am. I tug her forward until her crotch hits mine, reawakening my dick. I look down and sigh. ‘Oh dear.’
‘Oh dear,’ she counters, pulling my face up and covering my mouth with hers, encasing my naked shoulders in her arms. Good fucking morning. And welcome home. ‘I need to get the kids ready for school,’ she murmurs, nipping the end of my tongue.