Towards evening we entered Durham. A telegram was waiting for me, sure enough. It read: “Sorry son but I haven’t a cent in the bank.” I felt like weeping, not over our own plight but because of the humiliation it must have caused the old man to send a message like that.
Thanks to a stranger, we had had a sandwich and coffee around noon. We were now famished, more famished than ordinarily, of course, because of the impossible distance still to go on an empty stomach. There was nothing to do but take to the road again, which we did—like automatons.
As we were standing on the highway, too tired and defeated to trudge another step, as we stood there blankly watching the sun go down like a burst tomato, all of a sudden a rather snazzy car pulled up and a cheery voice called out—“Want a lift?” It was a couple headed for some little town about two hours distant. The man was from Alabama, and spoke with the accent of a man of the deep South, the woman was from Arkansas. They were cheerful, lively individuals who seemed not to have a care in the world.
On the way we had car trouble, one little thing after another. Instead of making it in two hours it took almost five. By the time we reached our destination, thanks to the delays, we had become firm friends. We had told them the truth about ourselves, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and it had gone straight to their hearts. I shall never, never forget the way that good woman immediately we entered the house, rushed to the bathroom, filled the tub with hot water, had out the soap and towels, and begged us to relax while she scared up a meal. When we reappeared, clothed in their bathrobes, the table was set; we sat down at once to an excellent meal of hash and fried eggs with hot muffins, coffee, preserves, fruit and pie. It was about three in the morning when we turned in. At their request we slept in their bed, never realizing until we awoke that our kind hosts had improvised a bed for themselves by removing the seats from the car.
When we got up, around noon, we had a hearty breakfast, after which the man showed me around his huge backyard where the remains of cars were strewn about. Wrecks were his livelihood. He was certainly a happy-go-lucky sort of fellow, and his wife even more so. Our unexpected visit seemed to make them slap-happy. Why we didn’t stay with them a few days, as they begged us to do, I don’t know.
As we made ready to leave, the woman took Mona to one side and furtively pressed a few bills in her hand, while the husband shoved a carton of cigarettes under my arm. They insisted on driving us out of town a little distance so that we might get a lift more easily. When we finally parted they had tears in their eyes.
It was getting on and we were bent on making Washington that day. We would have made it too, were it not for the fact that we got nothing but short hauls. By the time we sailed into Richmond it was nightfall. And again we were broke. The few dollars the woman had given us had disappeared—the purse with it. Had someone robbed us of those miserable few dollars? If so, it was a grim joke. However, we felt too good, too near our goal, to be depressed over the loss of our little fortune.
Time to eat again.…
With a calculating eye we scanned the various restaurants and finally decided on a Greek one. We would eat first, then explain our predicament. We put away a good meal, with extra helpings of dessert, and then gently broke the news to the proprietor. Our story made no impression on him whatever, or rather, it made the wrong impression. All he could think of—hardly a solution!—was to call the police. In a few minutes a motorcycle cop appeared. After the usual grilling he asked us point-blank what we intended to do about the situation. I said that if he would pay for the wire we would send a message to New York, that undoubtedly the money would be forthcoming in the morning. He thought this a reasonable idea and volunteered to put us up in a hotel nearby. He then turned to the Greek and informed him that he would be responsible for us. All of which struck me as damned decent.
I dispatched a message to Ulric, not without misgivings. The cop escorted us to our room and said he would be round to see us early the next morning. Despite the fact that we were from New York, he showed us uncommon consideration. A New York cop, I couldn’t help but reflect, was a horse of another color.
During the night I got up to make sure the proprietor hadn’t locked us in. I found it impossible to close my eyes. As the night wore on I felt more and more certain that there would be no answer to our telegram.
To slip out without the night clerk spying us was impossible. I got up, went to the window, and looked out. It was a drop of about six feet to the ground. That settled it: we’d leave by the window at dawn.
As the sun came up we were again standing on the highway a mile or two outside the town. We still had our two little grips. Instead of making a beeline for Washington we headed for Tappahannock—just in case the cop might be on our trail. As luck would have it we got a lift in jig time. No breakfast, of course, and no lunch. En route we ate a few green apples, which gave us the colic.
A little distance out of Tappahannock a lawyer en route to Washington picked us up. A charming fellow, well read, easy to talk to. We gave him an earful in the time allotted us. It must have taken effect because as we were saying good-bye to him in Washington, he insisted on lending us twenty dollars. He said he was “lending” it, but what he meant very plainly was that we were to spend it and forget about it. As he toyed with the brake he mumbled over his shoulder:
“I once tried to be a writer myself.”
We were so elated we couldn’t get home fast enough. Around midnight we landed in the big city. The first thing we did was to phone Kronski. Could he put us up for the night? Certainly. We dove into the subway and made for the Bronx where he was again living.
The subway was a doleful sight to our eyes. We had forgotten how pale and worn the people looked, we had forgotten what a stench the city gave off. The treadmill. Trapped again.
Well, at least we were on familiar ground. Maybe someone would be glad to see us after the lapse of a few months. Maybe I’d look for a job in real earnest.
The sixth joy goes like this—how appropriate!
The very next joy Mary had
It was the joy of six
To see her little Jesus
On the crucifix.
And here is Dr. Kronski…
“Well well! Back again! I told you so. But don’t think you can camp out on us. No sir! You can stay the night, but that’s all. Have you eaten? I’ve got to get up early. There are no clean towels, don’t ask for any. You’ll have to sleep in the raw. And don’t expect your breakfast served in bed. Good night!” All in one breath.
We cleared the cots of medical books and scraps of food, pulled back the grey sheets, noticed the blood stains but said nothing, and crawled in.
O COME ALL YE OUT OF THE WILDERNESS AND GLORY BE!
15
In a Buddhist magazine not long ago I read something like this: “If we could only get what we want when we think we need it life would present no problem, no mystery, and no meaning.” I was a trifle indisposed the morning I read this. I had decided to spend the day in bed. Reading these words, however, I began to howl with laughter. In less than no time I was up and out of bed, chirping away as merrily as usual.
If I had come across this piece of wisdom in the period I am writing of I doubt if it would have had any effect upon me. It was just impossible for me to take a detached view of things. The day was full of problems, full of complications. There was mystery in everything, irritating mystery. The mystery surrounding the universe—that was sheer intellectual luxury. The whole meaning of life was wrapped up in the solution of how to keep afloat. It sounds simple, but we knew how to complicate even such a simple problem.
Disgusted with our haphazard way of life, I made up my mind to take a job. No more gold digging. No more chasing rainbows. I was determined to earn sufficient for the daily necessities, come what may. I knew it would be a blow to Mona. The very thought of taking a job was anathema to her. Worse than that, it was sheer black treachery.
Her response, when I
broached my resolution, was characteristic. “You’re undermining everything I’ve done!”
“I don’t care,” I answered, “I’ve got to do it.”
“Then I’ll take a job too,” said she. And that very day she hired herself out as a waitress at The Iron Cauldron.
“You’re going to regret this,” she informed me. By this she meant that it was fatal ever to leave one another’s side.
I had to promise her that while looking for work I would have my meals at The Iron Cauldron twice a day. I went once, for lunch, but the sight of her waiting on tables discouraged me so that I couldn’t go back again.
To get regular employment in an office was out of the question. In the first place there was nothing I could really do well, and in the second place I knew I would never be able to stand the routine. I had to find something which would give me the semblance of freedom and independence. There was only one job I could think of which filled the bill—and that was the book racket. Though it wouldn’t offer me a regular salary my time would be my own, and that meant a great deal to me. To get up every morning on the dot and punch a clock was out of the question.
I coluldn’t go back to work for the Encyclopaedia Britannica again—my record was too shady. I’d have to find another encyclopedia to handle. It didn’t take long to discover the loose-leaf encyclopedia. The sales manager, to whom I had applied for a job, didn’t have much difficulty convincing me that it was the best encyclopedia on the market. He seemed to think I had excellent possibilities. As a favor he gave me some of his own personal leads to start with. They were “pushovers,” he assured me. I left the office with a brief case filled with specimen pages, various types of binding, and the usual paraphernalia which the book salesman always carries about with him. I was to go home and study all this crap and then start out. I was never to take “No” for an answer. Soit.
I made two sales the first day, netting me quite a handsome commission since I had managed to sell my customers the most expensively bound sets. One of my victims was a Jewish physician, a charming, considerate individual who not only insisted on my staying to dinner with the family but who gave me the names of several good friends of his whom he was certain I could sell. The next day I sold three sets, thanks to this kind Jew. The sales manager was secretly elated but pretended that I had the usual beginner’s luck. He warned me not to let this quick success go to my head.
“Don’t be satisfied because you sell two or three a day. Try to sell five or six. We have men who sell as many as twelve sets a day.”
“You’re full of shit,” I thought to myself. “A man who can sell twelve sets of encyclopaedias a day wouldn’t be selling encyclopaedias, he’d be selling the Brooklyn Bridge.”
Nevertheless I went about my work conscientiously. I followed up every lead religiously, even though it meant journeying to such outlandish towns as Passaic, Hoboken, Canarsie and Maspeth. I had sold three of those “personal” leads the sales manager had given me. He thought I should have sold the entire seven, the idiot. Each time we met he became more friendly, more conciliatory. The publishers were going to have a big show at the Garden soon, he informed me one day. If I kept on my toes he might arrange to have me work with him in the booth which the firm was renting. He implied that there, at the Garden, the sales fell into your lap like ripe plums. It would be a cleanup. He added that he had been studying me; he liked the way I spoke. “Stick with me,” he added, “and we may give you a big piece of territory to handle—out West, perhaps. You’ll have a car and a crew of men under you. How does that appeal to you?”
“Marvelous!” I said, though the mere thought of it terrified me. I didn’t want to be that successful. I was quite content to sell one a day—if I could.
Anyone who tries to sell books soon learns that there is one type of individual who takes the wind out of your sails. This is the fellow who seems so pliant and yielding that you almost feel sorry for him when first you sink your hooks into him. You feel certain that he’ll not only buy a set for himself but that he’ll bring you signed orders from his friends in a day or two. He agrees with everything you say, and goes you one better. He marvels that every intelligent person in the land is not already in possession of the books. He has innumerable questions to ask, and the answers always incite him to greater enthusiasm. When it comes to the last touch—the bindings—he fingers them lovingly, dwelling with exasperating elaboration on the relative advantages of each. He even shows you the niche in the wall where he believes the set will show up to best advantage. A dozen times you make ready to hand him the pen in order to sign on the dotted line. Sometimes you rouse these birds to such a pitch that nothing will do but call up a neighbor and have him look at the books too. If the friend comes, as he usually does, you rehearse the program all over again. The day wears on and you find yourself still talking, still expounding, still marveling over the wonders contained in this beautiful and practicable set of books. Finally you make a desperate effort to pull in the line. And then you get something like this: “Oh, but I can’t buy the books now—I’m out of work at the moment. I sure would love to own a set, though.…” Even at this point you feel so certain the guy is sincere that you offer to stake him to the first installment. “You can pay me later, when you get a job. Just sign here!” But even here the type I speak of will manage to squirm out. Any barefaced excuse serves him. Only at this point do you realize that he never had the least intention of buying the books, it was just a way of passing the time. He may even tell you blandly, as you take leave, that he never enjoyed anything so much as hearing the way you talked.…
The French have an expression which sums it up neatly: “il n’est pas sérieux.”
It’s a great business, the book racket. You learn something about human nature if nothing else. It’s almost worth the time wasted, the sore feet, the heartaches. One of the striking features about the game, though, is this—once you’re in it you can think of nothing else. You talk encyclopaedias—if that happens to be the line—from morn to midnight; you talk it every chance you get, and when there is no one else to talk to you talk to yourself. Many’s the time I sold myself a set in an off moment. It sounds preposterous, if you’re not in the grind, but actually you get to believe that everyone on God’s earth must possess the precious book you have been given to dispense. Everyone, you tell yourself, has need of more knowledge. You look at people with just one thought in your mind—is he a prospect or not? You don’t give a damn whether the person will ever make use of the damned set: you think only of how you can convince him that what you have to offer is a sine qua non. As for other commodities—shoes, socks, shirts, etc.—what fun would there be in selling a man something he has to have? No sir, you want your victim to have a sporting chance. You’d almost prefer him to turn his back on you—then you could really put on your song and dance with gusto. A good salesman doesn’t enjoy taking money from a “pushover.” He wants to earn his money. He wants to delude himself that, if he were really put to it, he could sell books to an illiterate—or to a blind man!
It’s a game, moreover, which throws interesting characters across your path, some of them having tastes similar to your own, some being more alien than the heathen Chinese, some admitting that they had never owned a book, and so on. Sometimes I came home so elated, so hilarious, that I couldn’t sleep a wink. Often we lay awake the whole night talking about these truly “droll” characters whom I had encountered.
The ordinary salesman, I observed, had sense enough to clear out quick when he saw that there was little prospect of making a sale. Not me. I had a hundred different reasons for clinging to my man. Any crackpot could hold me till the wee hours of the morning, recounting the history of his life, spinning out his crazy dreams, explaining his mad projects and inventions. Many of these witless ones reminded me strongly of my cosmococcic messenger boys; some, I discovered, had actually been in the service. We understood one another perfectly. Often, in parting from them, they would make me litt
le gifts, absurd trifles which I usually threw away before reaching home.
Naturally I was bringing in less and less orders. The sales manager was at a loss to understand; according to him, I had all the requisites for making an A-1 salesman. He even offered to take a day off and make the rounds with me, to prove how simple it was to get orders. But I always managed to dodge the issue. Occasionally I hooked a professor, a priest or a prominent lawyer. These strikes tickled him pink. “That’s the sort of clientèle we’re after,” he would say. “Get more like them!”
I complained that he rarely gave me a decent lead. Most of the time he was handing me children or imbeciles to call on. He pretended it didn’t matter much what the intelligence or station in life of the prospect might be—the important thing, the only thing, was to get inside the house and stick. If it was a child who had fallen for the ad, then I was to talk to the parents, convince them that it was for the child’s good. If it was a nitwit who had written in for information, so much the better—a moron had no resistance. And so on. He had an answer for everything, that guy. His idea of a good salesman was one who could sell books to inanimate objects. I began to loathe him with all my heart.
Anyway, the whole damned business was nothing more than an excuse to keep active, a means of bolstering the pretense that I was struggling to make a living. Why I bothered to pretend I don’t know, unless it was guilt which prompted me. Mona was earning more than enough to keep the two of us. In addition she was constantly bringing home gifts, either of money or of objects which could be converted into cash. The same old game. People couldn’t resist thrusting things on her. They were all “admirers,” of course. She preferred to call them “admirers” rather than “lovers.” I wondered very often what it was they admired in her, particularly since she handed out nothing but rebuffs. To listen to her carry on about these “dopes” and “saps” you would think that she never even smiled at them.