I fear I have been bitten. Something writhes inside of me. I must fight it. I must find the answers before the wolf devours my soul. Before it comes for thee, my most beloved …
Even though Daniel was a monster, even though he could infect me, I still loved him. I wanted him to be innocent. I wanted him to be mine.
But Dad had given me this book when I told him about that love.
He told me to find the answers for myself.
But is this what he wanted me to know? That Daniel was drawn to kill me like this man to his sister? Did he want me to realize that loving Daniel was impossible?
That any idea of our ever being together was completely hopeless?
Because if that was his plan … it had worked.
WEDNESDAY EVENING
Semester finals hit with a vengeance. I never did catch up with my studies in time. I struggled to push Daniel, Death Dogs, moonstones, and Jessica Day out of my mind. But in my religion and history classes, all I could think of was the Crusades. During my chem final, I wondered if Katharine’s brother was ever able to find a moonstone for a necklace. It was nearly impossible to work calculus problems while wondering if Jessica was living or dead. And it wasn’t possible for me to paint anything knowing Daniel was watching me from the back of the art room. So not only was my love life in shambles, my chances for college—for Trenton—seemed just as hopeless as I turned in my jumbled English essay test on transcendental poetry.
At least it was the last day of school before Christmas vacation, and I’d have three weeks to recover before I had to face my parents with my report card. The dance was tomorrow, but tonight everyone was headed to the hockey game to blow off steam. As much as I wanted to be at the ice rink eating candied almonds with April, cheering for Pete, I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate like everyone else.
I’d told Pete I was too tired to go out when he invited me to the after-party at Brett Johnson’s. He looked so disappointed that I added, “Have to rest up for the dance, you know.” He smiled and told me that I “owed him one.” But even though I said I’d be spending the night in bed, I couldn’t stay home, either. I guess that’s how I ended up helping my father with his Wednesday-night Bible-study class at the parish. I figured it would be the place I was least likely to run into Daniel. I should have known better.
I helped Dad pass out study guides and extra Bibles and then busied myself in the parish kitchen. I arranged Mom’s fudge brownies on a silver tray and placed a mini candy cane in each individual mug of hot chocolate. The brownies were for later, but I passed out the cocoa to the cherry-nosed guests as they listened to my father’s melodic voice reading from the Bible. His voice sounded like a lullaby, and Don Mooney’s eyes looked heavy as I handed him the last steaming mug.
“Thank you, Miss Grace.” He blinked, and took a sip.
I sat in the empty chair next to him. I was surprised Dad wasn’t reading the story of Christ’s birth the way he usually did this close to Christmas. Instead of mangers, and shepherds, and angels, he was reading the different parables of Christ. I found my own eyes getting a bit heavy, too, until I heard the outside doors to the parish creak open. Footsteps came down the hall, and I regretted not making a couple of extra mugs of hot chocolate.
“Let us move on to the prodigal son,” my father said.
I flipped the pages of my Bible to Luke 15, and right on cue, the door opened and Daniel slipped inside the classroom. He breathed on his hands as he looked around for a place to sit, and noticed me watching him. I looked down at the open Bible in my lap.
Dad’s voice went on without pausing. He read the parable of the father who had two sons. One son was good and steady and hardworking; the other took his father’s money and squandered it on whores and riotous living. The latter son’s life sank so low he decided to return to his father to beg for help. My dad read on about how the father rejoiced when his prodigal son returned, fed and clothed him, and called their friends together for a celebration. But the good son, who had stayed faithful to his father’s teachings, was angry and jealous of his brother, and refused to welcome him home.
When Dad finished the last verse, he asked, “Why was it so hard for the good son to forgive his brother?”
His change of tone startled the audience. A few people looked around, probably wondering if the question was supposed to be rhetorical.
“Mrs. Ludwig,” Dad said to the elderly woman in the front row, “when your son stole and wrecked your car last winter, why was it so hard to forgive him?”
Mrs. Ludwig colored slightly. “Because he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t even say he was sorry. But the Bible”—she tapped her worn, monogrammed copy—“says that we must forgive.”
“Exactly,” Dad said. “We don’t forgive people because they deserve it. We forgive them because they need it—because we need it. I’m sure you felt much better after forgiving your son.”
Mrs. Ludwig pursed her lips and nodded.
My neck felt hot. I knew without looking, Daniel was staring at me.
“But why is it so hard to forgive?” Mrs. Connors asked.
Don blinked and snorted, snoring.
“Pride,” Dad said. “This person has already wronged you in some way, and now you are the one who has to swallow your pride, give something up, in order to forgive him. In fact, the scriptures say that if you remain in your pride and choose not to forgive someone, then you are the one committing the greater sin. The good son in this story is actually in much graver danger than his prodigal brother.”
“So should the prodigal be loved no matter what?” Daniel asked from his corner.
I shot up out of my chair. This was all just too much.
Dad gave me a quizzical glance. “Brownies,” I said.
There was a collective “mmmmmm” from the audience as I left the room. Dad’s lesson was probably cut short when I came back with refreshments, but I didn’t really care. I wanted to go home. I cleaned up the napkins and gathered the empty mugs while the others milled around, talking about jolly things like presents and carols. Once the room was tidied enough, I went to my father and asked if I could take off early.
“I don’t feel well,” I said. “I’d like to get to bed.”
“Finals burnout?” Dad chuckled. “You deserve a good night’s rest.” He leaned over and traced the cross on my forehead. “I promised to drive a couple of the ladies back to Oak Park, so I can’t send you with the car. I don’t want you walking home alone, though.” Dad looked to the back of the room. “Daniel,” he called.
“No, Dad. That’s stupid.” I felt a surge of anger against my father. The cross he traced on my forehead seemed to burn my skin. Why was he making this so hard on me? “It’s not even that far.”
“You are not walking alone in the dark.” Dad turned to Daniel as he came up to us. “Will you be so kind as to walk my daughter home?”
“Yes, Pastor.”
It wasn’t worth protesting, so I let Daniel walk me into the hall. As the classroom door clicked shut, I stepped away from his side. “That’s far enough. I can make it the rest of the way myself.”
“We need to talk,” Daniel said.
“I can’t talk to you anymore. Don’t you know that?”
“Why?” he asked. “Give me one good reason, and I’ll leave you alone.”
“One good reason?!” Was this the same person who’d told me he was a werewolf? Was this the same person who admitted doing those terrible things to my brother?
“Try Jude for one.” I threw my arms up and stomped toward the coatrack near the exit.
“Jude’s not here,” he said, and came after me.
“Stop, Daniel. Just stop.” I looked down at my coat buttons. Why wouldn’t they go into the right holes? “I can’t talk to you, or be with you, or help you, because you scare me. Is that reason enough?”
“Grace?” He reached for one of my shaking hands.
I shoved them into my pockets. “Please let me go.”
>
“Not until I tell you … You have to know.” He wrapped both hands around his pendant, and said like it would solve every problem in the world, “I love you, Grace.”
I stumbled back. His words felt like a knife in my heart. They were everything I desired to hear, and everything I hoped he’d never say. And they couldn’t solve a thing. I stepped away farther; my back butted against the large oak doors of the parish. “Don’t say that. You can’t.”
Daniel dropped his hands. “You really are afraid of me.”
“Isn’t that what you wanted?”
He bowed his head. “Gracie, let me fix what I’ve done. That’s all I want. All I care about is you.”
I wanted to be able to forgive Daniel. I really did. But even with everything Dad said, I didn’t know how. It’s not like I could just flip a switch and forget everything he’d done to my brother. It’s not like I could change the fact that loving me meant that something inside of him wanted to kill me. But it’s not like I could just stop loving him, either—couldn’t stop the aching to kiss him, to be with him.
How could I go on seeing him like this every day? I knew I’d give in eventually—I’d lose everything.
I pushed on the door latch. “If you cared, then you’d leave.”
“I told your father I’d walk you home.”
“I meant for good, Daniel. You’d leave here for good.”
“I won’t let you walk alone.”
“Then I’ll call April or Pete Bradshaw,” I said, even though I knew both of them were at the hockey game.
“I can take you,” Don Mooney’s voice boomed down the hall. He held a large fudge brownie in his fist, and there was a smudge of chocolate frosting on his chin. “I don’t mind.”
“That would be nice, Don.” I pushed open the door. “Good-bye, Daniel.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Alpha and Omega
WALKING HOME
I clung to Don’s bearlike arm as I stumbled down the street. My breath created a thick, white fog around my face, and a migraine pressed behind my eyes—but that’s not why I found it so difficult to see. I once would have never believed that I’d be happy to have him as my escort, but I silently thanked God that Don had been there to see me home.
I could tell he wanted to talk to me by the way he sputtered and sighed, as if trying to get up the courage to speak. We were almost to my front porch when he finally said something.
“Are you gonna come with us on deliveries tomorrow?”
“No.” I wiped at my face, trying to hide the tears I used to be able to stop myself from crying. “The Christmas dance is tomorrow evening. I have a date.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.” He kicked at the porch step. “I was hoping you would be there.”
“Why?”
“I wanted you to see,” he said. “I bought thirty-two Christmas hams to donate for the parish.”
“Thirty-two!” Why did that make my tears come faster? “That must have cost a fortune.”
“All my Christmas money and then some,” he said. “I wanted to help the needy instead of buying presents this year.”
“That’s great.” I smiled because I knew that Don himself technically fit into the “needy” category.
“I have something for you, though.” Don dug into his pocket. “Pastor says I should wait till Christmas, but I want you to have it now. I hope it will make you feel better.” He opened his giant fist and offered me a small wooden figurine.
“Thank you.” I rubbed away the few tears that remained in my eyes and inspected the present. It was crudely carved, like what a child would make, but I could tell that it was an angel with flowing robes and feathered wings. “It’s beautiful.” It truly was.
“It’s an angel like you.”
I tried to hide a frown. The last thing I felt like was an angel after what I’d said to Daniel. “Did you make this with your knife?” I asked. “You didn’t put it back, did you?”
Don looked around. “You still won’t tell, will you? Promise you won’t?”
“I promise.”
“You are an angel.” He hugged me around the middle, squeezing all the air out of my lungs. “I’d do anything for you,” he said, and finally let go.
“You’re a good man, Don.” I tentatively patted him on the arm, afraid of another bear hug. “Thank you for walking me home. You didn’t have to.”
“Didn’t want you going home with that boy.” Don grimaced. “He’s a mean one. He does bad stuff and calls me ‘retard’ when no one’s around.” Don’s face flamed red in the lamplight of the porch. “He’s not good enough to be with you.” He lowered his voice and leaned in like he had a big secret. “Sometimes, I think he might be the monster.”
Don’s accusation surprised me—but not the monster part. It made it easier to reject Daniel when I thought of his taunting Don.
“I’m sorry he treats you that way. But don’t worry, I won’t be hanging around Daniel anymore.” I tucked the angel figurine into my dress coat pocket.
“Not Daniel. He does good work for your father and Mr. Day.” Don shook his head and slumped down the porch. He stopped at the end of the front walk. “I was talking about the other one.”
LATER THAT NIGHT
I was rooting around in the pantry for some ibuprofen, or anything that might make my head stop pounding, when I heard a howl from the front room. I ran to see what it was and found Charity watching her wolf documentary. It was the same part from before, with the two wolves savoring a fresh kill. It seemed extra morbid to me now.
“Why are you still watching this?”
“My final report’s due on Friday,” Charity said. Her middle school didn’t get out for Christmas for another two days. “I wanted to get in a wolfy mood before I finished typing it up.”
Wolfy mood. She had no idea.
I stood and watched the plight of the little omega wolf, desperate for food but being denied. My heart sank as the alpha lunged at his throat, taking him down into the snow, and snarled into his pleading face. Then the little omega rolled over and exposed his belly and jugular to the alpha—giving up. I wondered how anyone could survive being treated that way his whole life.
I thought of Daniel and his father. The way his dad had screamed and snarled at him for any little thing. I remembered how, when Daniel joined my family for dinner, he would stare reluctantly at his food while the rest of us ate—until my dad, joking, would tell him to stop being shy. I remembered all of his bruises. I remembered what it sounded like when his father beat him into oblivion for disobeying his rules about painting in the house.
How had Daniel ever survived his father’s monster?
But then I realized that he hadn’t. He’d let the monster overpower him. The pain had been too great, and he had rolled over and given up, too. That he’d lasted so long was a miracle.
And now he faced a lifetime as a monster himself. And even if he died, there was no escape. He’d be damned as a demon for all eternity.
I’d wondered if that was the fate Daniel deserved. But it all seemed different now, like looking at a Seurat painting from a whole new angle. Daniel had done something undeniably wrong. But did he have to live with that mistake forever? Couldn’t he be redeemed? Couldn’t everyone? That’s what Dad taught with every sermon. It’s the meaning of my name. Grace.
Or was it possible that some souls could not be saved? Isn’t that what demons are? Fallen angels—damned to hell forever. Was Daniel’s giving in to the bloodlust such an irredeemable act that he was now one of these fallen angels, too? But perhaps he wasn’t actually a demon. Maybe the demon was simply inside of him. Was the wolf trapping Daniel’s soul in its clutches, in some kind of limbo, keeping him from salvation?
Daniel said it himself: the wolf was holding his soul ransom.
So didn’t that mean there was a price that could be paid? Was there something that could be done to free his soul and make him just like the rest of us? So grace could have him ins
tead of the darkness?
Dad had said that he couldn’t help Daniel anymore. It was out of his hands. But he didn’t say it wasn’t possible. He didn’t say there wasn’t a cure. He’d given me the book. He’d put it in my hands. He’d told me I had a choice to make.
I ran up the stairs to my bedroom and pulled open my desk drawer—the book was gone. My heart hammered into my throat. I pushed things off my desk, hoping the book was in among my schoolwork. I threw the pillows and blankets off my bed. It had to be here somewhere! Then I felt ultimately stupid and grabbed my backpack. The book had been in there since I went to the library. I pulled it out, more brittle bits of pages sprinkling from the binding.
I carefully turned to the last letter I’d read. Half of it was missing—disintegrated in the hostile environment of my school bag. My dad and that priest were so going to kill me. I flipped to the second to last marked letter, one I hadn’t read yet. Katharine’s brother had come up with the idea of the moonstones. Had he found one in time to stop himself from going after his sister? Had he bought himself enough time to find the cure?
Oh, Katharine,
I am lost.
The wolf has me in its clutches.
My fingers curled around the book. I wanted to throw it away, but I forced myself to read on.
I smell the rage and the blood wafting from the city, and I feel drawn to it. What has repulsed me in the past now whets my appetite.
The wolf preys on my love for thee. It tells me to return home. I am enclosing this letter with a silver dagger. If I come to thee as a wolf, I ask that Saint Moon try to kill me. I do not have the courage to dispatch myself. But Simon must not hesitate. He must thrust the dagger straight and true into the wolf’s heart. It is the only way to keep thee safe. Saint Moon must protect our people from this curse.
Oh, Katharine! I know I should not ask, but alas, I must. If thou hast the courage, then let it be thee who plunges the knife into my wolf’s heart. For I have learned from the blind prophet that the only way to free my soul from the demon’s clutches is to be killed by thee. My inner wolf seeks to destroy the one I love for reasons of self-preservation. For the only cure to free my soul is to be killed, in an act of true love, by the one who loves me most….